Teen with sen pregnant

[allthingsred]

My 17 yo dd is pregnant.
& I don't know how to support her.

She has autism adhd severe social anxiety & is very niavee for her age.

She met the father on line & they have only known each other 2 months.
He too has anxiety & depression.
The relationship already worried me with how intense it got (he would cry when leaving after visiting her etc)

She wants to keep the baby but
Her sensory needs around noise smells, she has repeated episodes of autistic burnout makes me worried.
We will support her as much as we can but
I work & have a toddler as well as 3 other children, so it will be hard & limited.
I've looked online and there seems to be a family nurse service which sounds great but not in our area.

We are planning a conversation with her today which will be a reality check.

Does anyone have any advice or positive stories from teen pregnancies with similar issues

I know of two people with autism, ADHD etc who had a child. That child has autism way worse than the parents, non verbal, rarely sleeps and needs one to one care continuously. If you let this pregnancy continue then you are making a huge rod for your own back.

I’m so sorry, but I would be trying to get her to agree to termination. The only teen parents I know have been very mature, level headed and have managed with a lot of support. I’m a SEN parent and this worries me so much. What a difficult situation.

My 40yr old son doesn’t want children, he only has Bipolar but doesn’t want to pass it on to others.

What age is the father? Was she emotionally ready to begin a sexual relationship? Did he pressure her into sex? I'd be concerned about their relationship, only 2 months in and already having sex (unprotected at that), and pregnant.

If you're ok to support with raising the baby as you said you are, then I would not be involving Children's Services as others have suggested. Sure the MW might to that anyhow, but I wouldn't invite them myself as it just brings another layer of stress into your home and with young children yourself, I'm sure you could do without that.

I'm glad you're going to support her, I definitely think something's not right with the father though and wouldn't want him near my daughter.

To be fair, having autism doesn’t exclude you from having children, far from it. I have several autistic friends and colleagues who are fantastic parents. However, this really depends a lot on function doesn’t it?

I was a teen parent. I also have ADHD (diagnosed) and possibly Autism although have never sought a diagnosis for this. My two DC have ADHD and are Autistic. It was the making of me but that’s not to say it wasn’t very difficult. I’m not trying to make it all sound like it will be fine or easy but it can be done and my parents helped of course but no more than anyone else’s. It was my responsibility and I stepped up. I think a realistic conversation about how if she does continue with the pregnancy then you will support but not parent your GC is beneficial and sets out the expectations from the start. Try not to take over and please don’t push her to have a termination because she will never forgive you if it’s not what she wants. Give her all the information (including the hard truths) of having a child but ultimately it’s her decision and all you can do is support.

What's the alternative to contemplating it though? 😕

Can she see a pregnancy counsellor someone independent to her to discuss options?

Is there the possibility that the bf is pressurising her to keep the baby without understanding the implications and what are the thoughts of his parents?

OP there was a similar thread on MN a couple of months ago.
I don't want to find and link it as I'm not sure the OP of that thread continued posting, but I'm sure you could find it easily enough if you run a search for it.
It had hundreds of replies and as the situation was very similar to the one you are sadly facing, you may find it useful.

I had a baby at 19 with my (then) 18yo OH. He has subsequently had an autism diagnosis (although his difficulties have always been apparent, including severe sensory challenge around noise, lights, smells, sound).

He was primary carer whilst I went to uni and was amazing despite this. Ok, he never coped with hospital / midwies, health visitors, but he gave the most careful and gentle physical care. He knew to put baby first; 'perfect' childcare was his then obsession. Your DD may just surprise you.

I'd be second checking her understanding of three things though -

1. That she understands she can't opt out of preganacy after 20 weeks.
2. The level of medical involvement required during and after pregnancy as mentioned above.
3. That a baby won't mean her bloke definitely stays and loves her forever more. He might be her current obsession, but she may not stay his.

I would also be keen in your shoes to know what the fathers' parents are thinking. Are they in a position to support?

There's no right outcome here, just many competing judgement calls.

She should be signposted to the perinatal mental health support team. They will safeguard both her and the baby.

You can't force her to have a termination, but you can reach out for whatever support she would be entitled to.

As she has a diagnosis and care needs herself, she is also entitled to a social care assessment under the care act.

Whether she is entitled to support is a different matter which the assessment will pick up, but she should have one. I have had one, I am autistic and I also have an autistic child and found it to be an invaluable service.

You're the one that's going to be bringing up this child OP.
Your DD and her BF of two months don't even sound like they are mature enough to be in a sexual relationship let alone having a baby.

This is really good advice but just wanted to add, in case you do have to use a clinic, safe access zones mean there shouldn’t be anyone with images/materials/etc near an abortion clinic in England and Wales now.

I agree. A very good friend of mine 50 years ago had a daughter that they had had to place in a residence for severely compromised mental condition individuals which was both male and female. This is stepping back in time, so please be understanding - the only thing her daughter understood and got pleasure from was sex. I'm not saying it's the same for your daughter, please don't think that. Because of that they had her sterilised. I know, I know, but the reality was to have two people who were completely unable to look after a child which would probably have severe additional needs. I understand it wouldn't happen now.

You're actually being very naive yourself OP to think it's just a case of changing your job and preparing to raise your grandchild yourself.

That's best case scenario and even that's not that simple. Because you're not the parent. So the raising of the child won't actually be your decision, the actual parents will have every right to "interfere" and end up making your life hellish in the process with their decisions.

There's also the question of teen DD, who you are still responsible for and who will almost certainly be suffering burnout, at best, but probably PND too when she realises reality doesn't match her dreams.

The baby will probably have SEN, realistically, so "changing jobs" isn't necessarily going to cut it. You could end up as carer to this child. So no job, reliant on benefits, having to jump through all those hoops as well as care for teen DD and your toddler, whilst trying not to burn out yourself.

So where does this leave your toddler? Either fighting for your time and attention if they're SEN too, competing with your grandchild for your care. Or else largely ignored if they're healthy, a glass child, unseen and emotionally neglected because they're "fine" and your time and attention is taken up with teen DD and grandchild, who are more needy. It's bad enough when this happens accidentally and perhaps unavoidably due to a sibling being disabled, but when it's due to their parents taking on a grandchild to raise, I personally find that totally unacceptable. Do you think your toddler deserves this?

That wouldn't be your choice to make though OP, if your daughter was unable to cope, you raising the child in the home with her being there but not involved, could be difficult and confusing for everyone- especially dd and the child. I think you also have younger children that you have to prioritse and I'm wondering if you've considered that. Changing your job or giving up work to raise your grandchild, isn't fair on your younger children. You might think its no different to if you had another baby, but the dynamics will be different.

So what is your advice?

She cannot look after herself right now, so there’s no way she can look after a baby.

So you’re saying OP should just suck it up and take on the baby?
What is she refuses contraception and gets pregnant again? Should OP take on that one too? And the next one?

And lots of 17yos get kicked out.
MN is full of people who believe once kids turn 16 they’re no longer your responsibility and should move out.

I don’t think she should actually kicked out but her decision is going to be an easy one if she thinks that OP will just do it all for her.

Whereas if she thinks she’ll need to do it alone, then she may put more thought into how she’s physically going to be able to manage it.

I understand what you’re saying, of course you can’t force anyone to have an abortion but in this scenario it is the best option and so I’d find a way to encourage it.

Really the question is do you want another baby as this baby will basically be yours.

She doesn't understand, though, how relentless it can be though, does she, as her sibling is not her baby.
I'm Autistic, have ADHD, severe anxiety (and cPTSD) to throw that into the mix, but I was 38 when I found out I was pregnant: being a parent (single, from 6 months pp) to twins has been sensory hell, especially the early years.
And, both my twin girls are AuDHD, but with higher support needs than me.
All ND people are different, but your child is...still a child, with a 'boyfriend' of a couple of months, and she has only just been discharged from CAMHS.
Yes, she would have your support, but what does that look like for you...and your other DC?
It's a bit of a shit-show.

Making a decision to protect her toddler.

Making her own choice to not have her toddler, who she is responsible for, pay the price for their, over 16yr old, teen siblings choices.

Making a decision to put her own child, her toddler, first - over and above any needs of her grandchild, who she is not actually responsible for.

Superbly worded 👍.

My cousin was exactly the same. Her 16 years old daughter fell pregnant years ago. My cousin and husband was left to look after the child as well as her other special needs children. Social work were drafted in to help. It’s not been plane sailing but the girl has done well, started uni this years. But i really don’t know how my cousin done it

She is 17. What would happen if she was above 18?

Given she has sen, how have you prepared for her future? Is she mentally capable

But the 17yo is also her child. A child with additional needs who also needs support. She’s made a mistake yes, and is no doubt making a naive choice if she chooses to go ahead with the pregnancy but she is no less her child who needs her than her toddler is. It’s a crap situation to be in but I don’t think putting one child’s needs above another’s is the answer.

I’d be strongly urging a termination