Teen with sen pregnant

[allthingsred]

My 17 yo dd is pregnant.
& I don't know how to support her.

She has autism adhd severe social anxiety & is very niavee for her age.

She met the father on line & they have only known each other 2 months.
He too has anxiety & depression.
The relationship already worried me with how intense it got (he would cry when leaving after visiting her etc)

She wants to keep the baby but
Her sensory needs around noise smells, she has repeated episodes of autistic burnout makes me worried.
We will support her as much as we can but
I work & have a toddler as well as 3 other children, so it will be hard & limited.
I've looked online and there seems to be a family nurse service which sounds great but not in our area.

We are planning a conversation with her today which will be a reality check.

Does anyone have any advice or positive stories from teen pregnancies with similar issues

Quite agree. Sen people aren't animals

This.

You need to make it clear that if she decides to go ahead with this pregnancy she is to do it by herself (I know you intend to give support but she’s going to making a decision based on you basically raising her child which isn’t acceptable)

you also need to think of the actual child in this, do you think it’s in the best interests of the child to have two parents that can’t actually pay for them, offer emotional support or much of anything? (dad probably won’t stick around) and being raised by their grandma? 🤔

Why does she want to continue the pregnancy? She's being very naive, does she have what it takes to be a mother? She won't be able to leave the room to avoid noise etc.

I'm sorry OP that sounds like such a difficult situation. I disagree with the previous posters saying push her to a termination as it's no more acceptable to coerce someone to have a termination than it is to coerce them to go ahead with an unwanted pregnancy. Obviously you should make sure she knows exactly what she will be letting herself in for, and a termination would be the most sensible option but ultimately she has to decide for herself what she wants to do. If she wants to go ahead with the pregnancy it is up to you how much support you feel able to offer her, if you don't feel able to have her and the baby living with you there are always mother and baby foster homes or supported housing for vulnerable young mums. If you contact social services they will likely have information on what they offer in your area. All the best to you both 💐

Im afraid I agree. It doesn’t sound like she is ready / capable emotionally to be a mother from what you’ve said? Equally neither does the father - it would be disastrous really for the child to have someone this incapable as one of their parents imo. Your daughter is still so so so young and the best thing for her would not to become a mother at this point in her life; and it sounds like even with all of your support; it will be a near impossible challenge.
not easy. Wishing you the best of luck xx

Im afraid I agree. It doesn’t sound like she is ready / capable emotionally to be a mother from what you’ve said? Equally neither does the father - it would be disastrous really for the child to have someone this incapable as one of their parents imo. Your daughter is still so so so young and the best thing for her would not to become a mother at this point in her life; and it sounds like even with all of your support; it will be a near impossible challenge.
not easy. Wishing you the best of luck xx

Unless you are prepared to bring up your grandchild for the next 18 years or have social
services involved. I would tell her to termiate. It doesnt sound like shes ready at all, you are setting her up to fail here at the expense of the childs wellbeing.

I think you need to be very honest in what support you are both willing and able to provide her / the baby so she can make an informed decision.

You don’t get to dictate that someone has an abortion. A lot of posters would be aghast if I said I’m more pro life than pro choice but you would never hear me tell someone they shouldn’t have an abortion.

Have a chat. Be brutally honest. It could end up you being the primary carer. You will cope. She might realise being pregnant is tough and change her mind within a couple of weeks.

None of that support the teen is entitled to from her parents involves raising the teen's child.

The teen is over 16 and has the right and ability to make adult decisions. Including to have sex and have a baby. With rights comes responsibility though. This teen DD needs to take responsibility for her decisions and her own lifestyle choices. It's not ok for her to play around at being a grown up, whilst expecting everyone else to take responsibility for the decisions she makes and suffer any hardships as a result of those decisions.

She wants to play at being a grown up? Fine, that's her right. But she needs to take responsibility for that decision, move out and do it properly (with additional help from the authorities and a normal degree of support from OP).

If she can't do that then she loses the baby. Either to the care system, when they deem her inadequate as a parent. Or now, in the form of an abortion, having acknowledged she's made a stupid choice to have unprotected sex and having a desire to attempt to "put it right" the only way she now can, so she can continue living as a child with no responsibilities for a while longer.

Basically, teen DD shouldn't be expecting to "have her cake and eat it too".

Yes OP should support teen DD. That doesn't mean going along with what DD wants. OP can offer support, in whatever capacity she's able to without running herself ragged or neglecting her other children, to teen DD living outside the family home. That's what's appropriate here, when OP currently has young DC herself to raise. It's a different situation to if teen DD was her only child. Or if all her DC were grown and teen DD was the youngest. In those scenarios teen DD would be the only child of OPs to consider and OP could offer more support without anyone else suffering.

I'm not suggesting OP abandon teen DD completely. I'm suggesting she protects her own dependent children first and foremost, not putting the needs of a transitioning-into-adulthood-teen above the needs of younger children. And certainly not putting the needs of grandchildren above her own children.

I'm going to go against the grain and say that yes, she's young, but there's no reason why she couldn't be an excellent mother. She will have the same bond with her baby as any other mother and she will hopefully develop coping strategies for noise and smells as she will be motivated to meet her child's needs. She may even push herself with her social anxiety if it's something for her child and not for her. As she's currently determined to keep the baby I would try not to panic or plan to give up your job until you've seen how she gets on.

Trouble is you can't see how she 'gets on' until the baby arrives and if she doesn't get on then it's a bit late.

Well, making really difficult and stressful decisions like whether to have a termination or whether to go ahead on a realistic basis, whatever that looks like, is one of the first things you face as a parent. That’s growing up. Of course termination can’t wind back the clock, nothing can, this teenager can’t be unpregnant or suddenly not facing this distressing situation. It may however be the best decision out of a set of highly suboptimal options. And the average 17 year old can be influenced by their mum, if the relationship is there. Given the increasingly American nature of what we see online, it is unlikely she’s ever had even a neutral but honest view of termination beyond emotive slogans on either side, though i hope I’m wrong. Could she have some counselling with Marie Stopes or BPAS?

Having said all that, it seems extremely likely that she will refuse, and that you will be caring for the baby.

I hope the decision is not made on eugenic grounds of the baby possibly being disabled, but on the true but well-advised choice of the pregnant girl.

This will be a baby fur you to look after, not your daughter and her friend.

Yes this is correct but often there is still anxiety over the fact they are often clinics known for a sole purpose and sadly you occasionally get idiots who think they can quietly say things. In some of the hospitals that offer these services as well it’s not common knowledge and within a gynae/ day surgery unit so can be easier for some women.

I have 2 boys with autism. It is highly heritable so it is almost certain that your daughter’s baby will also have autism.

How prepared is she (and you all) to be bringing up another autistic child. I’m a few years off 60 and I’m afraid I’m looking to lessen the support to my offspring (now 20 and 23) and, in my circumstances I’d be making it VERY clear that I’d support them but only within the bounds that f what I’m able to do. I’d not be going part time - I simply can’t afford to, I have a pension to think about and only very limited time left to put into it.

Sometimes it’s ok to save yourself!

No that makes perfect sense and I agree with what you are saying. The GC isn’t the OPs responsibility as I did allude to in a previous post, although I’m not sure I’d be able to back away in the same situation and fear I’d run myself into the ground trying to be everything to everyone!

she's young, but there's no reason why she couldn't be an excellent mother.

She suffers autistic burnout as a result of trying to live a not-very-ordinary (doesn't go out because can't cope with it (not sure OP said that but someone mentioned it in another post, so perhaps got it from another thread)) teenage life, whilst living at home with her parents and having no responsibility for anything or anyone.

She's the very epitome of someone without the capacity to parent a child.

Perhaps she could do it with adequate support. The likelihood is that support won't be there. The authorities are stretched and largely in favour of getting away with doing as little as they possibly can.

I would also consider what would happen if e.g you weren't around to pick up the pieces Sorry for being morbid but what if you ended up with a terminal illness or disability that meant you couldn't look after the baby.

I would get a meeting arranged between you, her Dad, the boyfriend and his parents and come up with a plan that will hopefully result in a termination and contraceptive implant.

I think you have a blunt conversation with her and explain that if she has the baby, she will be wholly responsible for it, and that means enduring screaming, projectile vomiting, liquid nappies and night waking.

You can't be sure that you will always be there for her. To allow her to have a baby that she cannot care for herself is cruel to both mother and child. The father doesn't sound like he can be relied on either, even if she had known him longer.

In your place I would be advising a termination.

So what are you suggesting then?

no termination and can’t throw her out so mum has to look after this one, and the next one, and the one after and…….?

I agree with your first point, but I’m definitely not strident about ‘your body, your choice’. I’m actually sick of ‘it’s my baby so my decision’ - like it’s a fucking object to be owned. Personally I think it’s a disgrace that people think that just because you managed the totally skill-less feat of getting pregnant you somehow gain a load of knowledge about babies, upbringing and the realities of life.

there is no way a severely autistic (as described here) teen should be allowed to make any decision which then impacts the entire future life of another living human, Fucking appalling to me.

How old is the boyfriend?

Does he/his family know?

Living with a baby/toddler that isn't your own child, is very different to being the person responsible for a child. It's like people thinking having younger siblings or have babysat for siblings/family/friends, gives an insight to having and being responsible for your own child. It doesn't. In no way are the two comparable. At the moment your daughter isn't responsible for the children in her home, she doesn't have to make decisions etc. She can disappear off once it all gets a bit much. If she goes ahead with the pregnancy, the reality means she can't - this child will be her responsibility. From what you've said in your post, it seems to me that neither your daughter or her boyfriend are going to be capable of taking on the responsibility of being a parent and all it entails. Essentially, you will be bringing up the baby, with a small amount of input from your daughter, and probably an even smaller amount of input from the boyfriend. Do YOU want this responsibility, on top of the current responsibilities you have? I appreciate you can't force your daughter into making the decision to terminate but in these circumstances, it would be the best decision for all involved. If not a termination, then adoption? You need a very frank and honest conversation with your daughter.

Ah, Mumsnet. Where suggesting someone should consider not having an abortion is seen as a heinous violation, but pressuring or coercing teenagers into having abortions is seen as “realistic parenting.”

As an autistic parent with an amazing husband and a great family support network I find parenting incredibly hard going. Being a teenager, with perhaps a less stable partner, it going to be 10 x as hard.

This sad story occurred locally to me: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c7v3877yp1lo.amp
By all accounts the couple had a very supportive network.