Mum said I've "stolen her future" because I live an hour and a half away from her. I'm scared to tell her I am pregnant.

[JessieJackets]

Me and my husband live up the coast from our mums. His mum is super nice and supportive. My mum says I have broken her heart and "stolen her future" because she now will not have her dream of idealistic grandparenthood of being involved with them daily. I love where I live because the peace I have helps me heal. She says "I hope your precious house is worth all the heartbreak you've caused me." etc.

Right now, I drive to see her every single friday, but she's always saying it's not enough and she's so sad... It's a big commitment, and I feel like I am burning out. Despite this she shows no gratitude for the effort, and makes me feel like a terrible daughter constantly.

Neither of our mothers know we are expecting yet (early days, only 5 weeks) and I am scared to tell mine because she will make it about how far I am from her and I should move back, and was selfish for buying a house we didn't need, etc etc.

Can I please have some advice? Particularly anyone in a similar scenario raising a child away from grandparents, particularly difficult ones? Thank you

My mum says I have broken her heart and "stolen her future"

'Mum, when you say things like this, it feels controlling and unkind and makes me not want to see you at all.'

I would then cancel the next Friday trip. Invite her to drive/moped to you the following week for dinner. Break this Friday ordeal-you are rewarding her bad behaviour.

This.

Seriously, if she wants to be closer, she can move.
(And then you move again)

Tell your mum that if she wants to see you (and the baby, in due course) she can use one of her 2 hour long motorbike rides to get to you!

@JessieJackets ... across the ditch from you, and I feel your pain. I read what you had written and it resonated so much. I'll message you in the morning - my cats want their beds now, and so do I.
Thinking of you and wishing I could heal some of that pain...it's taken me 30 years. But, my dear, it does. xx sleep well.

My mother was narcissistic, and caused this sort of pain, guilt, shame largely through emotional manipulation.. My story is completely different but some of those feelings are very much the same.

Research it a bit to see if it applies, there is good information out there. It's really about being able to make a boundary for yourself, whatever that looks like and hold it without guilt regardless of whatever reaction it causes. Sounds easy, but is very very difficult when you have been brought up to adjust yourself to someone else's needs.

Be kind to yourself, you didn't ask for this. And congratulations!

I think you have made the right call by moving an hour away. She clearly is rather selfish and self-absorbed. If she were nearby, the baby would essentially be hers, in her eyes. She can stamp her feet and have a massive hissy fit, but you have to prioritise your own health, life and family. If you are feeling brave, maybe explain to her that no one likes a whinging ninny and that you will inevitably see less and less of her if all she does is complain. Good luck with that conversation

It sounds like you don’t live far enough away to me.

An emotionally immature parent like this will never be happy. If you lived next door, it would be that you didn’t come for dinner every day. There would always be a reason.

Protect your own wellbeing and that of your child. You don’t have to jump just because she says jump.

1.5 hours away is too close to an awful mother like that. I’d be telling her to make her own future and stop stealing yours - she’s behaving like a vampire, draining your life’s blood from you.

Your mum is being ridiculous and I would not encourage her by being in any way apologetic. I live two hours away from my grandchildren but see them a lot and am very close to them all. I am happy for my daughters that they have made successful lives and homes for themselves in areas of the country where they feel content and fulfilled. I travel to do frequent childcare, staying over for a couple of nights on a regular basis. The whole family also comes to stay with me regularly during school holidays so we make it work. Of course it would be nice if they lived just round the corner from me but my priority is my children’s happiness, not my own.

Don’t let her make you feel bad. Stand your ground and be firm making decisions that suit you. Once you have your baby I wouldn’t get into any set in stone once a week visits to see your Mum as this will put awful pressure on you. Set boundaries that you are happy with and be honest with your Mum. ‘’It is what it is Mum. I’m happy with where I’m living and I won’t be moving. If you keep behaving like this I’m not going to be wanting to visit at all’.

You are in charge here not your mum.

I’m in a rush so haven’t read all your updates sorry.

Be strong OP!

Your mother is working out some personal trauma of her own through the medium of her you, her daughter - and will continue to do so through your kids.

You're doing the right thing in having therapy to help you end the cycle. That's not being a bad daughter, that's just emotional intelligence. Your mother is the one who needs therapy. She's desperate to keep you in the role of caregiver, and will happily ruin your life if that's what it takes to do so.

@heldinadreamhas nailed it. You've achieved amazing things OP in breaking free, asserting your own needs and establishing a stable, loving relationship. So, it's really sad and not what we want as daughters or as mothers - but now that you're starting your own family, push has come to shove. You cannot let this disturbed individual use your DC as another tool to 'punish' and manipulate you with forever more.

I hear what you're saying about you 'trapping' yourself, an understandable reaction from an abused child. I'm not a therapist and wouldn't know how you dismantle that kind of internalised oppression.

But I do know that motherhood is a fast track to changing everything. What you might previously have tolerated becomes intolerable. Your priorities become crystal clear. You'll do anything for the health and welfare of your baby - which is inextricably bound up with your health and welfare.

Use that feeling to break free from this relationship, which sadly is long past repair.

In the great vastness of Australia, an hour and a half is a short commute.

You have done a wonderful thing to set yourself up in a lovely place that is not only practical but where the nature and peace you have surrounded yourself with, helps your well-being.
That’s the perfect nesting instinct in action.
Your new baby can be happy and safe and nurtured there, the way you feel is right, so that their childhood is stable and calm, drama-free and happy.
That is exactly the way it should be OP. You have done really well. You are well set and it’s this next generation that you are planning so well for, that counts now. That’s what you must concentrate on. The future. Your future with your child. You have acted with good sense and confidence to provide well for yourself as a new mum.
And ideally, it’s also your job to remove all obstacles to your well being.

Recognise that it’s your mum who is the problem. Certainly not you.

Instead of being proud of you for all you have achieved, and for relocating to a place that is perfect for you, she berates you and blames you for her inability to feel content within herself for her own achievements in life.
She uses you OP. In a really bad way, she uses you. It’s poisonous.
Everything in her twisted mind is your fault and because she’s your mum it isn’t easy to be able to shake that ridiculous accusation off.
But that’s exactly what you must do in order to continue your own path. Start by knowing it’s ok to ignore her whenever you must.

You have sorted your own life and it’s not your job to sort hers. Or to live it for her which is really what she wants. She wants you to take the consequences for everything so that she doesn’t have to.
It’s impossible. So don’t even attempt to do it.

All you can do is advise her to get a good therapist. And close your ears to her constant, vile, guilt tripping. Close yourself off emotionally. She has no right to direct those words to you. It’s abuse.

Practically, she can easily travel an hour and a half to see you or even to meet you half way. Find out how she can do that and lay down your expectations if that’s what you want.
Don't engage with anything except positivity from her.
It’s ok to not be speaking.
It’s ok to cut down the number of times you see her …to none at all if she persists in abusing you.
It’s ok to put yourself first.
It’s ok not to tell her you are pregnant.

Your good health is the most important thing now so if you are running low on emotional well-being then you owe it to yourself to cut out all the things that bring you down. Removing yourself from her abuse is good thing.

You are going to be a wonderful mum. Wishing you the very best.

I will say this very gently @JessieJackets…becoming a mother yourself can be emotionally battering because it forces you to examine the relationship you have with your own mother.

For those of us that have had a tricky relationship with our mothers, this can be a very tough experience. For me, it raised issues that I had no idea were still there. It made me see many things in a different light, both good and bad. It made me determined to make sure that my dc were raised very differently to me.

It may well be worth raising this with your therapist if you haven’t done so already.

You are truly not an awful daughter. Unfortunately your mother is just expecting to much

I am pregnant with my parents' first grandchild and I live 5+ hours drive away. I had good reasons for moving away from where I grew up, and no regrets whatsoever. I needed to be here and it has made me who I am.

I know it causes my parents some pain, but that's not my responsibility. It's just how it is. I see them every 2-3 months.

You don't owe your mum anything. It's not your job to make sure she has her perfect future. It's her job to find a way to make herself happy/ find some peace given the circumstances she finds herself in. Not yours.

If she cares this much, she can find a way to move closer to you.

Nobody should rely on their children for fulfillment like this.

My brother similarly moved 2 hours drive from my parents when his first son was born, to be closer to his wife’s parents. You know what my mum did? She offered a day’s child care per week, so every Sunday afternoon she drives to my brother’s and stays overnight to watch the now three children all day Monday. Saving them a day of childcare costs. She arranges fun days out with and without my brother and his wife, has the boys overnight at her place during school holidays and takes a vacation with the family once per year. She also speaks every evening to her grandsons on video call. She did not moan and whinge but instead found ways to be active in her grandchildren’s lives. The fact your mother sees it as ‘your responsibility’ to facilitate a relationship with her grandchildren is just incredible selfishness on her part and suggests she wouldn’t be a great help as a grandparent anyway.

I live 10 mins walk from my mum and she sees my daughter a few times a week but there is not a difference in her relationship with any of her grandchildren as she puts the work in to making sure she is part of their lives in a regular way.

This sounds really hard. The fact you’ve had 15 years of therapy means that your mother’s behaviour has continued to impact you negatively. I wonder if the fact you are going to see her every week has played a part in not helping you move on?
What your mother is demanding is not reasonable and to me sounds manipulative. I think think distance will be good for you.

Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy.

Be prepared for childbirth to trigger your own anger at your mum, it’s often when people have their own dcs and feel that overwhelming love and that they’d do anything for their baby, that they reassess why their parents didn’t feel the same.

I think I’d be pointing out every time that you are better than your mum as you’ve only chosen to have a child a reasonable drive away whereas she chose to have her children on a completely different continent than her parents. If you have stolen her future what did she do to her parents? Keep repeating to yourself, if she really felt that daughters should be walking distance from their parents, she would still be living in England.

Congratulations OP! It sounds like you have a lovely set up, in a great place and I’m sure you’ll be a great DM. You’ve had loads of good advice here, but I just wanted to point out that you know, deep down, that your DM is frankly a controlling weirdo who did you huge emotional and psychological harm growing up. And you know that whatever you do, however you bend over backward and tie yourself up in knots to comply with her ridiculous demands that IT WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH! If she rides her
motorbike for hours then she could easily do the 90 minutes to visit you, she simply doesn’t want to. It doesn’t suit her purpose. What she wants is to manipulate and guilt trip you to comply with her wishes - ultimately with you moving back to be near to her. It’s not normal. It’s abusive and toxic.

My own lovely DM went peculiar in older age, after DF died
and became incredibly demanding with emotional blackmail etc. The stress made unwell. A turning point for me was when I realised that whatever I did, it would never be enough. There would always be more demands and the more I did, the more became expected. So, what was the point of trying to keep her happy at all? I simply stopped. I saw her and took her out and did the jobs I was content to do. Anything more was a “No”. Outlandish demands -
like me decorating her entire house - were met with an incredulous laugh and “I’m not a decorator, mom!” Saying no was liberating - DM wasn’t happy, but she wasn’t happy anyway and it wasn’t my job to be responsible for her happiness.

Your DM is obviously a much worse example than mine. As others have mentioned, once your baby arrives you might find that the protective urge is so strong that it becomes much easier to rebuff your DM. Your priority will be to prevent any harm coming to your precious DC and you might draw strength from it. I really think that minimal contact might ultimately be the best way to go, escalating to no contact if she doesn’t wind her neck in and stop the stupid comments. You having “stolen her future” is one of the most ridiculously things I’ve heard for quite a time!

You are no longer a vulnerable little child who needs DM to survive. You don’t need her approval or support - it would be nice, but you are never going to get it. You are a strong woman who has built a life of your own and you are surviving and (hopefully) thriving IN SPITE of the damage she did to you. You are going to be a DM yourself and will damn well make sure your DC is never treated
like you were. Good luck with it all.

You're not a bad daughter, your mum is extremely selfish and nasty.
She's trying to control you.
It's good that she does not live on your doorstep or she would treat your children the same way she is treating you- she's caused you to need therapy for years, would you want that for your kids?
Do not travel to her every week. You need to focus on yourself, pregnancy is so draining. If she can't drive, she can get the train/coach, if she wanted to see you that badly she would. But pulling back to less than once a week sounds beneficial for you.

You and baby come first now.
That’s it.
All this talk of heartbreak from your mother is truly awful. It’s manipulative and cruel.
She put a whole world between her and her own mother.
If she were nearer, would you want her manipulating your child? Because she would.

@JessieJackets how old is your mum. If she can ride a motorbike for two hours she can certainly visit you. Sydney is stupidly expensive you did the right thing moving.

Your mother is a narcissist who's latched onto you not your sister. Same happened to me.

My mum lives locally but I haven't seen her in 17 years. It's just too much for me mentally.

You'll be a busy mummy soon and she'll be background noise.

She sounds toxic! You have had 15 years of therapy because of her why in the name of god would you want her to live near you ?

Op you said you moved there to heal ?
Id stop the weekly visit since you are not talking it’s the perfect opportunity.
why does she not visit you ?

My DH & I are from 2 different countries and have lived in both so we were always far from one set of grandparents at any given time - but neither of them ever reacted like your mother. In fact my mother-in-law, who I loved very much, used to say "You raise your children to leave you". She really believed, as I do, it is very important to allow your child to go out into the world freely, without any parental expectations (including locational closeness) otherwise how can they achieve what they want to achieve?

I think I’d be pointing out every time that you are better than your mum as you’ve only chosen to have a child a reasonable drive away whereas she chose to have her children on a completely different continent than her parents. If you have stolen her future what did she do to her parents?

When she says it was 'different' for her, say no, it wasn't,

Does she have your dad? Friends? Work? It sounds like she is butter and resentful and is expecting you to provide her with entertainment! Maybe she needs to work more hours!

You're an adult and you get to live your life as suits you. Not her. If she's that bothered then she can move (but perhaps that wouldn't be a good thing?)