Mum said I've "stolen her future" because I live an hour and a half away from her. I'm scared to tell her I am pregnant.

[JessieJackets]

Me and my husband live up the coast from our mums. His mum is super nice and supportive. My mum says I have broken her heart and "stolen her future" because she now will not have her dream of idealistic grandparenthood of being involved with them daily. I love where I live because the peace I have helps me heal. She says "I hope your precious house is worth all the heartbreak you've caused me." etc.

Right now, I drive to see her every single friday, but she's always saying it's not enough and she's so sad... It's a big commitment, and I feel like I am burning out. Despite this she shows no gratitude for the effort, and makes me feel like a terrible daughter constantly.

Neither of our mothers know we are expecting yet (early days, only 5 weeks) and I am scared to tell mine because she will make it about how far I am from her and I should move back, and was selfish for buying a house we didn't need, etc etc.

Can I please have some advice? Particularly anyone in a similar scenario raising a child away from grandparents, particularly difficult ones? Thank you

Practical help is a very poor pay off against continued generational trauma.

She could move closer to you (can't control others actions but can control your own).

Also it sounds like your not even that far if you can drive it every Friday.

My aunt moved her baby and toddler to the very opposite side of the world (nana couldn't follow as she had other kids and grandkids here too) and it was too far to travel back in a time that it was 'once in a lifetime' type holiday. It broke my grandmas heart but she still supported them. The grandkids then came back as adults to live with her but she always seemed sad that she missed their childhood as she was super close to the rest of us.

That was something that did effect her ability to see them but if your just say an hour or two along the coats or something then there is nothing stopping her being involved apart from attitude/choices.

Congratulations on your pregnancy @JessieJackets

This is a time for celebration and for excitedly anticipating the arrival of your baby.

Your mum is going to make this all about her. You know that.

You already know you wouldn’t do this to your own child. But somehow you feel guilty because you can’t meet your mums unreasonable and unkind expectations.

Your mum will kick off as she knows that when she does, you will toe the line.

So how’s about you let her kick off and NOT toe the line. She’s going to guilt trip you either way.

Ask yourself does she deserve your guilt when she behaves like this?

Put the boundaries in place for you and your baby now. It’s interesting that she’s doesn’t give your sister this grief… is that because she wouldn’t put up with it? Why should you?

it’s hard ending a lifetimes worth of abuse.. as this is what it is… but hopefully the arrival of your baby gives you the strength to put your small family first.

I have daughters. One lives in Melbourne (I'm in the UK) and while I'm slightly sad that the distance, I am delighted that I did my job of bringing her up well enough that she is secure and happy to move to the other side of the world. She has an amazing job, an amazing partner and loves her life. My other daughters live closer but I wouldn't DREAM of involving myself in their lives. They see me when they want to - they are not my second go at life.

You and your mum need therapy, OP. Keep your distance, she needs to learn that you are a person, separate and individual from her and that her happiness does not rest with you.

She’s the one being selfish OP, she gave you life to live it not so she can dictate it. If she is soo angry about being far from the baby then that’s her problem, she live 1.5hrs away its not the worst! My Nana lived 6 hours away from me and we were super close and I have amazing memories with her!

Don’t let your mum over shadow this lovely time in your life, all of this is her problem not yours and you don’t have to facilitate her.

Shut it down now. She’s being ridiculous. My maternal grandparents lived on a remote island off the north west coast of Britain. We visited them once a year and they visited us once a year. We still had a loving relationship with them.

Why does she guilt trip you and not your sister? Do you have any idea? Did she treat you differently growing up.

I don’t suggest this lightly, but I think you should consider going no contact or at least very very low contact. It doesn’t sound like the relationship brings you any benefits at all. You do not owe your abusive parents a relationship.

OP is already in Australia.

To be honest if you've been in therapy for 15 years and are still questioning whether you are bad or selfish it's not the right therapy!

You are not selfish. It is normal for children to move away.

My parents moved abroad so very far from their parents - my sister and I did the same, and I fully expect that my 3 dc will do similar (the one who has already left home has).

God, don’t encourage her to move near you, it sounds difficult enough with her an hour away and who says you want her heavily involved in her ‘idealistic grand parenting?! Whose version of idealistic grand parenting, I bet you wouldn’t agree! My brother emigrated to Oz in a vain attempt to escape my parents who simply went over twice a year, they had multiple run ins. Don’t let her spoil your pregnancy and pull back from her. You know you don’t need to see her so often?

This is perfect.

And I’d stop going on fridays and tell her youre too tired these days and can she for once come to you on her motorbike and “ I’ll understand if youre too tired this week, no pressure, but you can manage long rides for pleasure so can you make one to me please while Im tired”.

She’s manipulative and selfish. She needs to get a life.

Your therapist may not be helping much if you’re not making progress after 15 years. Perhaps you need a different one?

Congrats on your pregnancy.

Mum is a black hole narcissist, be co dependent no more, therapy.

As a mother of adult kids, I hate it when parents guilt trip their kids by doing this. Where is the happiness that you have a husband and house that you love, all within reasonable travelling distance? It’s not up to you to determine her future-that is up to her. If she can’t be happy with what she has, don’t let that blight your life. I’m sorry you have a mother with this sort of nature. Gently point out that you have t moved to Australia or even the other end of the country and if she persists, it will just drive you away more. Please don’t feel guilty.

For the record, I don’t think you’re a bad daughter… I think your mother has some form of personality disorder and you have been trained your whole life to appease her.

You need to take your life back and decide what it is that YOU actually want.
Do you want to drive every week to visit your mother? I wouldn’t. Once every 2-3 months is fine. She can drive to you or suggest a lunch halfway if she wants to.
Do you want to listen to her complain on the phone? I wouldn’t. Hang up, tell her that you’re not interested in listening to complaints and that she should call you back when she has something positive to say.
Do you want to put your baby in the car every week for hours? I wouldn’t. Traveling with some kids can be a nightmare and there’s time limits for certain age/car seats.

You need to reframe this - who cares if your mother thinks you’re a bad daughter? You are an adult with responsibilities that supersede being a daughter. Your primary role is to be the best wife/mother/person you can be, and spending time with your mother who only causes stress and emotional manipulation is not in your best interest.

Having said all that, you are the only person who can put an end to this. You need to muster up some courage and realize that the short term pain is going to be worth the long term gain.

I agree with all of this. Look at the emotional damage she has caused you - and continues to cause you. All of this will take away from your growth and healing and ability to be the best mother you can be to your child (huge congratulations).

You need to be the dysfunctional family generation breaker if you want your baby to have better MH than you. There is no need to inflict this toxic loon on your little family. She will poison it. You cannot be in two emotional places at once (preoccupied with what nonsense and hurt your 'D'M is going to pull next and focued on being a good mother) - everything your DM takes from you is less for your DC.

You need professional support to put in deep, high, strong and permanent boundaries with this emotionally dangerous character.

Resist the urge to contact your mum for now. Sit with the discomfort of not being in touch, it really will not kill you. You keep perpetuating the cycle of emotional abuse where she treats you badly, makes you feel bad about yourself and then you try to fix things so you can feel better. Stop giving her power over your emotions and stop taking responsibility for hers. You keep playing your role in a codependent relationship. You need to break this cycle or you will take those habits into your relationship with your own child.

You are an adult. You left home to build a life for yourself. This is completely normal.
You need some phrases you can repeat to yourself to remind you that she is being unreasonable. I have a right to live my life however I chose. I am not responsible for managing the emotions of another adult. People pleasing unreasonable people makes no one happy.

You do not need to tell her about the baby just yet, it's very early. When you do decide to tell her you need to decide how you will respond if she tries to emotionally blackmail you. Whether you hang up the phone, leave the room or firmly tell her you are not discussing it again you need to make a plan and be consistent.

My adult child is emigrating to Canada and I haven’t reacted in anything but a positive way as it’s a fantastic chance for them.I’m sad inside but wouldn’t ever show it
They plan on having children with their partner so my grandchildren will be a long plane ride away!
How your mother is behaving is awful and she’s no right to demand anything from you
tbh I’d cut down on my visits to once a month or every other week at most
she sound controlling and awful

What an awful guilt trip from your DM. Does she often make things about her?

I had sinilar and have unfortunately learned my lesson the hard way. I live abroad, have done for years, and had my first baby 10 months ago. My DM gave me a similar guilt trip during pregnancy about how she would miss out on her granddaughter because of my choices etc etc. She went on and on about how she wanted to babysit and would happily look after DD while I work... She has always been difficult, but I naively hoped this might be the kick up the backside she needed.

Since DD was born, she hasn’t visited once despite many invitations (we have space for her to stay) while I've travelled home three times for week-long visits with DD, which were an expense and stress I didn't need. We stayed with other family members because DM has no space, and... she hardly saw us. She lives around the corner, but came to see DD only two or three times on each visit. She couldn't have been less helpful while there, didn't stay long and seemed to view DD as some kind of entertainment, completely disregarding her needs and feelings.

I shouldn't have been surprised by her unsupportivr behaviour and superficial interest in DD. She was cold with me as a child and there's a reason I left... My point is that if your DM is doing this sort of thing now, you shouldn't pay much attention to what she says because the reality might be very different. And do not (as I did) feel obliged to visit often or change anything about your life to suit her. She is your parent and the onus is on her, not you.

It’s awful that you are still experiencing this abuse from your mum. She sounds very selfish and manipulative.

My FIL is very similar to your mum. DH often feels afraid to stand his ground with his dad but has come to realise that he has to fight through the fear and stick to his guns. What helps a lot is he will panic about his dad kicking off and I’ll just say ‘let him’. He just repeats it to himself now. If the voice in your head starts saying ‘mum will get upset’ answer it with ‘let her’. Let her get upset. It’s fine.

I really hope you can see you are a seperate person to your mum and you absolutely do not exist to serve her needs. You come across as a lovely person and definitely not selfish. Sending hugs from across the ditch.

She wont change op. Feel for you. They want it all on their terms. We had years of this. I live my own life now Im 50s.

How awful of her to make you feel that way. Can you start visiting fortnightly instead? Meet half way ?

Just because she raised you to be her caregiver doesn’t mean as an adult you have to comply. Put up some huge boundaries to protect you and your child now. I would change the visits to once a month immediately and then make it clear that for at least the first 3 months of having a child if she wants to see her grandchild she will need to travel to you for example.

You haven't stolen her future.

1. She's perfectly capable of moving closer if it bothers her.
2. You are not an extension of her and do not have to consult her over decisions
3. This is emotional abuse and its unacceptable
4. Emotional abuse is likely to shape any future relationship - this is all on her not you

Honestly, if she wants a future relationship with you, she needs to reexamine her own behaviour and how its likely to destroy her own future.

She does not want to take any responsibility for her own actions and she doesn't want to let you live your life.

She's stealing your present AND your future.

It’s for the best that she hates her area- I think you need the physical distance from your mother as she had no respect for your autonomy and independence.

I would reduce the visits to fortnightly so that she gets used to you coming less often. And perhaps invite her to yours once a month. Basically get into a routine and level of proximity with your mother that you would be happy with once baby is here.