Mum said I've "stolen her future" because I live an hour and a half away from her. I'm scared to tell her I am pregnant.

[JessieJackets]

Me and my husband live up the coast from our mums. His mum is super nice and supportive. My mum says I have broken her heart and "stolen her future" because she now will not have her dream of idealistic grandparenthood of being involved with them daily. I love where I live because the peace I have helps me heal. She says "I hope your precious house is worth all the heartbreak you've caused me." etc.

Right now, I drive to see her every single friday, but she's always saying it's not enough and she's so sad... It's a big commitment, and I feel like I am burning out. Despite this she shows no gratitude for the effort, and makes me feel like a terrible daughter constantly.

Neither of our mothers know we are expecting yet (early days, only 5 weeks) and I am scared to tell mine because she will make it about how far I am from her and I should move back, and was selfish for buying a house we didn't need, etc etc.

Can I please have some advice? Particularly anyone in a similar scenario raising a child away from grandparents, particularly difficult ones? Thank you

Your mum sounds exactly like my Grandma. I spent every single Saturday going to visit her because she insisted my mum take me. We never did anything child friendly, it was always something she wanted to do but I just had to be there. I HATED it, if she’d actually tried to foster a relationship with me by making some fond memories (take the 6 year old to the park not marks and spencers) I now have absolutely no relationship with my Grandma and as soon as I was old enough to stay at home on my own I refused to go anymore. It sounds really dramatic but I resent her so much because she basically stole every single Saturday of my childhood. No play dates, no getting up a bit later, no rubbish morning kids TV! My mum looks back now and wishes she’d stood up to her and said no but I don’t blame her - she was obviously doing the same thing you are - trying to appease your mother because she guilts you but really, is that the type of person you want around your kids?

I suspect if you've been in therapy for 15 yrs already about her, you know she's a Narcissistic mother (the enmeshed kind). I had one of those, too.

You can't change her or how she behaves, you can only change your responses to her. You can decide what you're able to manage and you can let her know "This is what I'm prepared to do from now, on, it is all I can manage" And if she kicks off and starts moaning, which she likely will, you can say "Stop. I've heard this before and I'm not going to listen to it again" and hang up the phone / walk out the door.

Good luck I know it's hard.

Seriously next time you visit start dropping hints. About moving back to the U.K. Let that stew for a few weeks then sit her down for a proper talk about her attitude

I think a change of therapist is a good idea, 15 years is a long time and especially if it hasn’t helped you in the way that you hoped.

I had issues with my MIL in the early days of my marriage, and my doctor at the time gave me some great advice, she said that people can only have power over you if you let them. You cannot control other people’s behaviour, but you can change how you react to it. Don’t feed into it, don’t try and reason with her, it’s obvious that that is futile. You know that you are not being unreasonable here, you know that you haven’t stolen her future, you know that you are entitled to live your life in the way that you choose. Don’t give her the power to make you feel like this.
When you’re ready to announce your pregnancy, write to her and set out your boundaries very clearly, discuss this with your DH so that he can support you. Be very clear that if she cannot adhere to your rules then contact will be limited. Don’t give her the power to spoil what should be a wonderful time for you and your DH. I wish you the best of luck with everything.

This distance will be what you need once the baby is here to enforce the boundaries you’ll need to keep you sane and establish a relationship as a grandparent if you wish to. It’s hard, do some thinking now on what sorts of relationships you want but don’t let it take over, think, write it down, enjoy the rest of your pregnancy, come back to what you’ve written if you need to.

First of all: Congratulations!!💐I hope you get to concentrate on yourself and your pregnancy during these next few months. Instead of your mother's expectations...

No, you are not a bad or selfish daughter. You sound incredibly lovely and caring.
Protect your peace and your own family. I would encourage you to (mentally) "play around" with the roles. Put yourself in your own mother's shoes. Would you treat your child like your mother is treating you? Would you treat friends like your mother is treating you?

It's possible that you'll never shake the feeling of not doing enough for your mother, that you're a "bad" daughter etc. But if you know that you wouldn't treat your own child that way, you can safely conclude that your mother's actions are wrong (controlling and abusive). Trust this conclusion over those feelings of guilt and shame.

The @ThejoyofNC 's suggestions of planning your DM's involvement with the baby and your pregnancy is a good one imo.

I think it's extremely important that before you even consider telling her the news, you need to sit down and write out exactly what you want her involvement with your baby to look like. You obviously struggle with enforcing boundaries so you need to make them clear right from the beginning. Get DH on board for when you struggle with her trying to cross them.
I think this distance is going to be an absolute blessing when you have your baby.
Remember, you don't need to take her abuse. If she's ranting down the phone- end the call. If she's ranting on a visit - get up and leave. Get used to doing all this now because you'll need these skills to protect your baby.

@Radioundermypillow just a practical response. It’s very hard to raise kids with no help from extended family unless you can afford a nanny

Hi OP. I have similarly controlling family members too, and I can completely understand what you said about being trapped in a cage in your head. I’ve also had therapy for years which has helped a bit but not broken me free. But I highly highly recommend getting yourself a copy of Mel Robbins book ‘Let Them’ it has absolutely snapped me out of being entwined in their controlling behaviour and helped me create boundaries clearly and easily in a way I couldn’t understand how to before! Please get yourself a copy. I’ve been listening to it on audible, hearing the author spell it all out has really brought it to life for me. I think it might help you too. Good luck!

Tell her to stop being so bloody dramatic, it's an hour up the road not half way around the world.

If she makes comments just keep repeating to her that she moved away from England to Australia not an hour and a half up the road and if she can’t accept it then maybe you need to go low contact.

she sounds selfish. I’d hang offf as long as possible from telling her you’re pregnant. Keep it a secret between yourselves and enjoy the peace and quiet before your mum kicks off!

She's being so selfish! Her idea of an ideal grandparent role isn't necessarily ideal. Some people would find that too interfering. You can't plan your life around trying to please her. As long as you keep regular contact it should all be fine. I hope she doesn't make your life difficult.

If this was a controlling husband, everyone would be saying leave him. You are not being selfish, she is and she seems to have an unhealthy level of control. When your baby comes you will not have time to visit her every day or do such pandering. This is the worse type of parent, where the child exists only in relation to them and what ‘return’ they are going to get. It’s narcissistic, selfish and just really unhealthy.

I really understand how you feel OP, because I had an overbearing controlling mother. My dad was lovely, but he enabled her. She made ridiculous demands and whatever I did never met her unobtainable expectations.

Like you I doubted every choice I made, because I knew she would disapprove, I was so downtrodden by her that I was always on high alert waiting for her disapproval. This is no way to live. Thankfully one day I just had the strength to mentally stop. I remember her criticising me yet again for some imagined slight, and I calmly said, “I’m done. Whatever I do won’t please you, so I’m not going to try anymore.” And I left and went home. That was over twenty years ago. She sulked, she became “ill with all the pain I caused her” and I just detached. I shut down any emotional exchanges. It was hard but it got easier.

I was there for her in a practical sense, but I stopped being there emotionally. I think you need to stop feeling guilty about not being her perfect daughter, and focus on her not being your perfect mother. It’s your life. She has hers. Emotionally please cut the cord.

I brought up three, now adult, kids in a totally different way to how she parented. They all keep in contact and visit regularly. I expect nothing from them and in return I get their love in abundance. Of course we fall out sometimes, argue etc, it’s normal. But I love them unconditionally, and this is their normal.

Find a new normal OP. I wish you strength.

Fuck's sake.
I'm probably much older than you, but do you really need this in your life???

I feel for you OP. My mum is difficult. After my first child 10 years ago I slowly ended up distancing myself psychologically from her as I needed to prioritise my children, not her, and she needed me to sometimes prioritise her wants over their needs. I tried to thread the needle and keep the relationship the same but my mum felt the psychological distance and pushed and pushed. Last October we ended up in this WhatsApp back and forth and she was getting steadily angrier and more unkind even though I kept my messages very calm. In the end one morning I blocked her after a particularly angry message because it was making me ill dealing with her. I thought it was just for the day or something, just to give me a breather, but it's now been nearly 10 months since we've spoken. The time and space has really given me clarity.

I'm not suggesting that the route for you but wanted to share that I really understand this absolutely dismayed, panicky, terrible feeling you must have after this week of not speaking. I felt so awful, and so confused, like I was causing her this terrible pain by not responding how she wanted. I felt that way for months. I was also raised to be a caregiver for her and I feel in my core and heart that it's my role, and should be my role, as a good daughter, to make sure she is OK even at my own expense. Over the last 10 months that feeling has for the first time in my life lessened in intensity but it's not gone. And the almost terror like feeling I felt at standing up to her has also lessened.

You are conditioned to believe what she says and feel guilt but you absolutely have done nothing wrong by moving and making a life that will work for you and your family. It will be a blessing in disguise not to have her involved daily, believe me. Visiting every week is on the high end of normal for an adult to see their parent, in my opinion. So you have not abandoned her or ruined her life.

When you have those tense feelings of guilt or like you're a bad daughter you need to remember those are generated by the little girl inside you who had to please your mum and would put your own needs and wants aside for her. This was a good thing to learn as a child when you were reliant on your parents, but it doesn't serve you now. That child inside will always sound the alarm and tell you what you are doing is dangerous and therefore bad because it wants to protect you, but that doesn't make what it says reality. Does that make sense.

She’s being selfish and controlling. Our children are not our future. We should aim to bring them up to have the skills and confidence to go and live their own lives. Hopefully then we can enjoy knowing they are happy and healthy.

This sounds awful OP. I'm sure most parents would prefer it if their adult children lived close to them but this is not realistic at all. You are NOT a bad daughter & to be honest living very close to your mum would be pretty unbearable I imagine. I think you need firm boundaries here, do not let a wonderful event (being pregnant) be spoilt by your worry about your mum. I would simply say 'I'm pregnant & so happy, I like where I live as it is best for my family, I would love you to visit now & again & we will also visit you but my priority will always be my own little family' good luck xx

Oh OP, she sounds exactly like my mum, she refused to speak to me for the entirety of my high risk pregnancy because we wouldn’t let her move in with us for a month when the baby was born. I’m so sorry you have to go through this, especially at this special time. But equally there are ways of moving forward.

Have you looked up Borderline Personality Disorder? Sounds very like she has it. I found it so helpful to read up on it and realize it’s not me causing her behavior (as I’d been brought up to believe).

Honestly, if you can get to a comfortable place within yourself about it then that distance will be a blessing for you and your child. These kind of parents enforce a co-dependence on us where we feel entangled with them and responsible for their feelings and to intertwine our lives with theirs. That’s wrong on every level, it’s their feelings, their anger, and their guilt that they push onto us. They’re entirely responsible for their own feelings. If they choose not to be responsible for them or not to get therapy help as you have bravely done to break the cycle then that is entirely down to them. Honestly, the physical distance will help you work on some emotional distance.

When she ‘starts’ just remove yourself - if it’s on the phone say ‘I’m not going to be spoken to like this and we can speak later when you’ve calmed down’ and put the phone down. If you’re there, you say the same and you leave. If she’s at your place you ask her to leave and if she won’t, you remove yourself. You’re not cutting her out, you’re setting boundaries. Whether she ever accepts them or not is not the point, it’s about protecting you and moving yourself to a safer space emotionally and physically. Don’t feel you have to go see her every week, it’s tiring and you’re pregnant and when the baby comes you can times the tiredness by 100!

You will need to model a healthy way of dealing with that kind of relationship to your child. We explained to ours as soon as they
were old enough (3/4 years old) in simple terms that we love Nanny, but Nanny doesn’t look after her mental health, so we have compassion for Nanny but we don’t have to put up with her being naughty to us and no-one is allowed to talk to us or treat us in that way.

Feel free to PM, and I wish you lots of strength and courage and happiness. You’re doing really well and I’m sure you’ll be a brilliant mum x

I think the only thing that would help you is accepting your mum for who she is, selfish and manipulative, and get to the point that you feel strong enough to stand up to her.

When you tell her you’re pregnant and she starts with her usual speech stop her. ‘Mum, I’m not going to listen to this anymore. I love you and your relationship with my children is really important but not to the detriment of my own wellbeing. You either get on board with the distance and be happy that I will make every effort to see you with the baby, although that might not be weekly unless you’re willing to make the journey to be every other week. Or I’m going to have to stop visiting altogether as you guilt tripping me is upsetting me and I’m going to be a mum now and I won’t put myself in situations which I find upsetting anymore, take a few days to think about what I’ve said and if you don’t think you can do that then you just let me know’

As others have said OP your mum is manipulative and you need to break this cycle.

We live over 9 hours away from our families, my MIL is like your mum and barely has a relationship with our children. She only sees them if we are down visiting and makes zero effort otherwise. She is also on strike from visiting us and its been 7 years since she last came but travels all over for trips. Thats her perogative and my DH doesnt pander to her anymore.

My mum is the opposite she visits regularly, facetime calls on a regular basis and spends quality time with them.

You are never going to please her there will always be something so focus on your family unit. It's her loss if she chooses to continue this.

This is guilt tripping big time. You need to do what works for you and your family. If she’s so desperate to see you, why can’t she move closer?

appreciate that this won’t make the guilt tripping easier but you shouldn’t feel bad at all is what I’m trying to get at!

You need a different therapist. It can be easy to get comfortable with one who knows all the history but you stop making progress. The shock of describing the situation to someone new and seeing their reaction could be very helpful.

You are ABSOLUTELY NOT!! In fact she is a bad selfish mother! You do not have children so that they are tethered to you for life, riddled with guilt and running themselves ragged catering to your needs! You have children to give them a lovely life (which you are clearly going to do with your children as you have so carefully considered where you would like to bring them up) and then send them out into the world as well-rounded and kind individuals who will have their own enjoyments, adventures fulfilling times.

Fully threaten to go no contact with the toxic baggage.

I'm sorry but your DM sounds utterly selfish and ridiculous and I say this as a 66 year old woman who would love to be a grandmother. We raise children to prepare them for life and then set them free - they are not required to be any particular way to please us, it is purely coincidental if they heed any of our advice which is only intended to help them live more rewarding lives for themselves and not for us, the parents. I have no patience for the pressure she is putting you under. Congratulations on your pregnancy, enjoy this special time.