Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Mum said I've "stolen her future" because I live an hour and a half away from her. I'm scared to tell her I am pregnant.

338 replies

JessieJackets · 28/07/2025 07:12

Me and my husband live up the coast from our mums. His mum is super nice and supportive. My mum says I have broken her heart and "stolen her future" because she now will not have her dream of idealistic grandparenthood of being involved with them daily. I love where I live because the peace I have helps me heal. She says "I hope your precious house is worth all the heartbreak you've caused me." etc.

Right now, I drive to see her every single friday, but she's always saying it's not enough and she's so sad... It's a big commitment, and I feel like I am burning out. Despite this she shows no gratitude for the effort, and makes me feel like a terrible daughter constantly.

Neither of our mothers know we are expecting yet (early days, only 5 weeks) and I am scared to tell mine because she will make it about how far I am from her and I should move back, and was selfish for buying a house we didn't need, etc etc.

Can I please have some advice? Particularly anyone in a similar scenario raising a child away from grandparents, particularly difficult ones? Thank you

OP posts:
ThatBusyPanda · 28/07/2025 07:14

Sorry, this sounds really hard, I am in a similar situation as I live close to my in laws but not my parents. What was the reasoning behind picking where you live now?

ToKittyornottoKitty · 28/07/2025 07:15

I’d stop visiting her all together, you don’t owe her anything and she isn’t bringing anything to your life. She is toxic and no matter what you do it won’t be enough, so I’d stop making the effort now. If she’s that desperate to see you she will visit you. Congrats on the pregnancy OP!

WonderingWanda · 28/07/2025 07:15

She is ridiculous. My dm had a hard time understanding that I didn't want to live in the same place as her too. Tell her if she keeps going on about it then you won't be going to see her any more.

PermanentTemporary · 28/07/2025 07:15

Please get some therapy. You need some responses to your mum who is reacting in a ridiculous way to a completely normal life event and to something she feels sad about - it’s not normal to lash out and blame you the way she is doing.

Plan a visit to her in a months time and until then concentrate on your life with your partner.

Original poster
JessieJackets · 28/07/2025 07:16

ThatBusyPanda · 28/07/2025 07:14

Sorry, this sounds really hard, I am in a similar situation as I live close to my in laws but not my parents. What was the reasoning behind picking where you live now?

We just love the area and the house, Sydney is not affordable so where our parents live we could not get a house with a yard or near nature. It was important to us to raise our kids near nature and with a garden, which we are lucky to have now.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 28/07/2025 07:17

Tbh even if she’d bought you a house near her I wouldn’t say that you should have lived there!

Original poster
JessieJackets · 28/07/2025 07:17

PermanentTemporary · 28/07/2025 07:15

Please get some therapy. You need some responses to your mum who is reacting in a ridiculous way to a completely normal life event and to something she feels sad about - it’s not normal to lash out and blame you the way she is doing.

Plan a visit to her in a months time and until then concentrate on your life with your partner.

I've been in therapy for about 15 years over her haha
Since she blew up at me on the phone over a week ago we have not spoken, and it is probably the longest we have ever gone without speaking. It's tough on me mentally. I am not sure if I truly am a bad selfish daughter or not.

OP posts:
Whynotjustengageyourbrain · 28/07/2025 07:18

Encourage her to move closer? It sounds lovely

AltitudeCheck · 28/07/2025 07:18

Tell her you are moving to Australia! She sounds horribly controlling.

Original poster
JessieJackets · 28/07/2025 07:19

AltitudeCheck · 28/07/2025 07:18

Tell her you are moving to Australia! She sounds horribly controlling.

Oh I am already in Australia haha XD which is funny because when she had me, she moved away from HER parents in England! Which i mentioned to her, and she said it was "different" for her...

OP posts:
Original poster
JessieJackets · 28/07/2025 07:20

Whynotjustengageyourbrain · 28/07/2025 07:18

Encourage her to move closer? It sounds lovely

Oh it is lovely, I am 4 minutes from a lake and all the shops I need :) I think she would love it here, she could be near the beach and she loves the water. But she says she hates this area so....

OP posts:
ayepecking · 28/07/2025 07:21

She sounds very controlling OP. I think it's probably a good thing you have a distance between you as she'd probably "rule the roost" with any future grandchildren and over rule you.

If you don't feel able to sit down and explain how you are feeling perhaps writing her a letter would help - although I imagine she's going to kick off at that too.

Most mothers just want their children to be happy. Your mother sounds too demanding and selfish.

Pricelessadvice · 28/07/2025 07:21

Live your own life, not one stifled by this selfish woman. It’s not like you moved across the country or to a different country.
Stop the weekly trips to see her and explain that you are living your life the way you want as she did the way she wanted.

Original poster
JessieJackets · 28/07/2025 07:22

ayepecking · 28/07/2025 07:21

She sounds very controlling OP. I think it's probably a good thing you have a distance between you as she'd probably "rule the roost" with any future grandchildren and over rule you.

If you don't feel able to sit down and explain how you are feeling perhaps writing her a letter would help - although I imagine she's going to kick off at that too.

Most mothers just want their children to be happy. Your mother sounds too demanding and selfish.

Maybe a letter is a good idea. Is it weird that I hope she is talking to me again before my birthday next month? I feel like such a child. I could cry from how hopeless I feel.

OP posts:
ayepecking · 28/07/2025 07:22

Whynotjustengageyourbrain · 28/07/2025 07:18

Encourage her to move closer? It sounds lovely

This would be a wrong move IMO

Enko · 28/07/2025 07:22

No you are not a selfish daughter. Your nother is a selfish mother.

Break how often you go to visit. When she goes on about how far you are noncommittal. Mmm yes I know you feel that way. Did you see the documentary on X?
Or even be blunt and say "mum we cant keep going over this we live here and this is our lives"

My children are in their 20s. Ds has decided after uni he is moving a 3 hour drive away. I will miss him so much. However its his life. His career and we brought him up to be independent. We did our job. I may feel a bit sad but thats my shit and not something I take to ds. He gets encouragement and all our love.
Thats what your mum should do.

Namechangedasouting987 · 28/07/2025 07:23

You are not selfish. You are living your life.
Parents are not owed anything by their children. Becoming a parent should be an act of unselfish love.
Raising children is about bringing them to a point of independence and watching them fly. That is how the success of parenthood should be judged.
Your mum needs to let go and get her own life. She sounds very controlling.
My DC are all pulling away, getting their own lives. My DD is about to move 5000 miles away for uni. I am broken inside. On the outside I am supportive, helping her with her own nervousness, being very positive and telling her how much she will enjoy it. Because I think she will. I think it is a great opportunity for her and will make her happy. I am fully aware that she may never come back permanently.
That's what parents do.
You are not at fault here. At all.

BendingSpoons · 28/07/2025 07:24

90 mins is not that far, it's a perfectly normal distance, although I appreciate it is a bit area dependent. Does she ever travel to you or meet half way? Would you even want her involved daily?

As hard as it is, I think you need to disengage from any conversation about it. She is being emotionally manipulative. Maybe practise saying things like 'mum we've made our decisions and it's not up for discussion. Let's not ruin our time together discussing something that won't change' or 'you are always welcome at ours too, if you don't want to travel that's up to you'.

You will need to discuss that you aren't going to continue travelling every Friday. Be prepared for her to kick off and ignore the tantrum. Don't be quilted into doing more than is good for you. She is an adult, therefore also capable of travelling.

For reference we see PILs (2 hours away) for a weekend approx every 6 weeks. They refuse to travel to us. We see DPs around every 2 weeks but no regular pattern (15 mins away).

WonderingWanda · 28/07/2025 07:25

JessieJackets · 28/07/2025 07:17

I've been in therapy for about 15 years over her haha
Since she blew up at me on the phone over a week ago we have not spoken, and it is probably the longest we have ever gone without speaking. It's tough on me mentally. I am not sure if I truly am a bad selfish daughter or not.

Show quote history

You are not selfish. Your dm is clearly used to being manipulative, she is attempting to use guilt to control you. You could send her a letter. Make it clear that you won't be moving back but you won't tolerate the constant guilt trip. You are sorry she is disappointed but you are an adult and can make your own choices and she needs to accept that. Get the boundaries really clear before your baby arrives.

heldinadream · 28/07/2025 07:25

JessieJackets · 28/07/2025 07:17

I've been in therapy for about 15 years over her haha
Since she blew up at me on the phone over a week ago we have not spoken, and it is probably the longest we have ever gone without speaking. It's tough on me mentally. I am not sure if I truly am a bad selfish daughter or not.

Show quote history

You're not sure?
OK let me tell you.
YOU are not stealing HER future: SHE is trying to steal yours.
Your life does not belong to your mother.
Your children do not belong to your mother.
Whatever she thinks she's missing out on is to do with her: her history, her story, her distorted way of making sense of the world. It's not your responsibility to heal her or save her or find her sanity for her. Especially now, when you're going to have your own child - congratulations 🎊 by the way! - to take care of and make a life for, a happy life, as happy and sane as you can manage.

My honest advice - as a grandma of 70 - is keep your distance from her and her toxicity and take no responsibility for how she feels whatsoever, push back every damn time, don't even entertain the notion of you being at fault.
Or stop seeing her altogether. Which might just turn out to be the best option.
Best wishes and a big hug.

PermanentTemporary · 28/07/2025 07:25

If a row with her has made you this uncertain I’m not sure what this therapist is achieving!

It sounds as if you think making a decision that benefits you - ie a selfish decision, which it is if you want to think of it that way - is automatically the wrong choice. Look at it differently. We all make choices every day. We should do things that work for us, that is usually the right thing to do. Of course it’s good to do things for other people, but not to set up your entire life in a way that doesn’t work for you just because someone else would find it preferable that you did something else. That would be nuts.

Congratulations and enjoy the bit of peace…

22O725 · 28/07/2025 07:25

i would be pulling right back down this relationship and I’m surprised after 15 years of therapy you are still visiting her so regularly. You haven’t broken free for yourself despite therapy but you absolutely must do it for you unborn child as you don’t want them growing up exposed to this emotional fuckery that your mother is playing.

Original poster
JessieJackets · 28/07/2025 07:25

Namechangedasouting987 · 28/07/2025 07:23

You are not selfish. You are living your life.
Parents are not owed anything by their children. Becoming a parent should be an act of unselfish love.
Raising children is about bringing them to a point of independence and watching them fly. That is how the success of parenthood should be judged.
Your mum needs to let go and get her own life. She sounds very controlling.
My DC are all pulling away, getting their own lives. My DD is about to move 5000 miles away for uni. I am broken inside. On the outside I am supportive, helping her with her own nervousness, being very positive and telling her how much she will enjoy it. Because I think she will. I think it is a great opportunity for her and will make her happy. I am fully aware that she may never come back permanently.
That's what parents do.
You are not at fault here. At all.

Edited

gosh that must be hard... I'm so impressed you are still being so supportive, I wish my mum was like you! I felt raised to be her caregiver and it's like that's all I exist for. It makes me want to disappear.

OP posts:
Namechangedasouting987 · 28/07/2025 07:25

You are not selfish. You are living your life.
Parents are not owed anything by their children. Becoming a parent should be an act of unselfish love.
Raising children is about bringing them to a point of independence and watching them fly. That is how the success of parenthood should be judged.
Your mum needs to let go and get her own life. She sounds very controlling.
My DC are all pulling away, getting their own lives. My DD is about to move 5000 miles away for uni. Iam broken inside. On the outside I am supportive, helping her with her own nervousness, being very positive and telling her how much she will enjoy it. Because I think she will. I think itnis a great opportunity for her and will make her happy. I am fully aware that she may never come back permanently.
That's what parents do.
You are not at fault here. At all.

Jigsawtime · 28/07/2025 07:25

Me and my siblings moved away from our parents for nicer cities and a better lifestyle. Once they retired, they moved to be closer to us. Closer being a relative term as they were still an hour away. My DC now in their first graduate job lives just under 2 hours away. They pop home every 4-6 weeks. All perfectly normal.
Making you feel guilty is not normal and you feeling you have to travel is not either. Pull back a bit and create some boundaries as although babies are very portable, you are better creating your own routine at home.