Mum said I've "stolen her future" because I live an hour and a half away from her. I'm scared to tell her I am pregnant.

[JessieJackets]

Me and my husband live up the coast from our mums. His mum is super nice and supportive. My mum says I have broken her heart and "stolen her future" because she now will not have her dream of idealistic grandparenthood of being involved with them daily. I love where I live because the peace I have helps me heal. She says "I hope your precious house is worth all the heartbreak you've caused me." etc.

Right now, I drive to see her every single friday, but she's always saying it's not enough and she's so sad... It's a big commitment, and I feel like I am burning out. Despite this she shows no gratitude for the effort, and makes me feel like a terrible daughter constantly.

Neither of our mothers know we are expecting yet (early days, only 5 weeks) and I am scared to tell mine because she will make it about how far I am from her and I should move back, and was selfish for buying a house we didn't need, etc etc.

Can I please have some advice? Particularly anyone in a similar scenario raising a child away from grandparents, particularly difficult ones? Thank you

Some great advice here.
Frankly your mum sounds like a bloody nightmare!

Can you imagine upsetting your own child to this extent OP?!

Just because a person is your genetic parent it doesn't make them right, or indeed pleasant.

A lot of people find that when they leave home and start a family of their own they start to see their own parents and upbringing through the lens of of an outsider - and sometimes realise that what they thought was 'normal and right' was actually an unhealthy dynamic.

You might never entirely shake off the feeling that you owe your mother what she wants because that makes you 'good', and doing what YOU want makes you 'bad' - but you will get to the stage where you sigh and do it anyway because you know in your heart that you're not a bad person and your decisions are yours to make. Just as your parents were when they were young.

Can i also say that what ever therapist your seeing is not doing well if after 15 years you're still struggling this badly.

We have children to bring up well and then release into the world to enjoy their life. Like a throwing a bird in the air and enjoying it be free. Not to keep in a cage for our own needs.
💐

Have you any siblings and does she have any family or friends here? As an ex pat herself I wonder if you two have had a very entrenched relationship as you were her only family here?

And drop the visits to once a month while you are getting stronger. Don't mention the pregnancy till the 3 month mark 💐

You shouldn't have to deal with this, especially at a time when you should be protecting your peace and focusing on your wellbeing. Your mum is projecting a lot of her own sadness and disappointment onto you, and that’s incredibly unfair. You’re already making a big effort by visiting her weekly and the fact that she’s still layering on guilt, shows this is more about control than connection. I don’t think you need to stop contact altogether (unless you want to), but it might be time to scale it back for your own emotional wellbeing, a phone call instead of a trip for instance. You’re allowed to protect your energy, sanity and peace, especially now.

Was going to say something similar to @PhilippaGeorgiou - I remind myself that however close I lived, my mother would say it was the wrong house or the wrong street, I’ll always be wrong so might as well be totally wrong. Also helps that although she lays it on thick with guilt about the distance, when I do see her she’s so obviously not interested in me, it’s purely about her ego.

I hope you enjoy your pregnancy, it sounds like you’re going to be a very different mum to the one you got ❤️

15 years of therapy, and you still think you might be a bad, selfish daughter?

Time to get tough, OP. Your priority is your health and your pregnancy/baby - focus on that. Practise what you’re going to say to her in response to what she is likely to say - literally, learn those lines! If she doesn’t call, leave it. Just leave her be.

We live 90 minutes away from my DF and PIL - we see them on average once a month. If they refused to travel to us at all it would be less than that.

You know your mother is being absolutely ridiculous and hypocritical. Stop taking it!!

Honestly why are you still in contact and making such an effort? Breaking her heart and ruining her life? Give over. That kind of hyperbolic catastrophic language is only designed to guilt and hurt. Tell her she is breaking your heart and ruining your life with the way she treats you and leave the ball in her court.

I think she is in Australia?

It sounds like moving 90 minutes away from your mum was a great decision and this behaviour proves it.

i live a 7 hour drive from my parents. They miss me, but have always encouraged me to spread my wings.

your DM would be a nightmare if she was round the corner when you had kids.

What does your therapist say? I'm a bit surprised that after 15 years of therapy you've not built up some indifference/defences to her guilt tripping. Maybe it's time to try a different therapist or a different type of counselling.

She will not be good for your child and you need to defend your child from ever experiencing her behaviour. Why not start with that in the womb? Do you have a good relationship with your sister?

I would be interested in knowing whether you have had the same therapist for a long time?

Point out that you haven't taken away any future because she knows her vision is totally unrealistic. She was never going to see her grandchildren every day, not least because they would be in school.

She should move nearer then! I was very close to my DM but she never expected me to live round the corner.

Why would you want your mother, who treats you badly to live closer to you???

Op
your better off where you are and the distance between you if she’s like that.
that’s an awful way to behave. she should be working out a plan on how to see you not how to push you away.

You’re not the bad one here & honestly, she needs to be the first to contact you, she seems To like to control you.

The area where OP lives sounds lovely. Her mum, however, sounds far from lovely and the last thing that OP should do is live nearer to her mum.

Ahh so, because She moved as far away as possible from Her parents when she had you (from England to Aus), she’s projecting her guilt and horrible feelings about what she did, on to you.

Well tough. Either she moves herself and her motorbike nearer to your beautiful area, or she stays put. For you it sounds like it’s best for her to stay in Sydney. Perhaps your mum is the one who needs more therapy? How would that suggestion go down with her…

I’m just going to tell you about my daughter. 5 years ago she had a fab opportunity for a prestigious job in America. She took it. She is now still there and married in the US this year. She hopes to have children. I miss her. I miss her very very much and I wish she was closer. But I also love her and I know that, as I did, she has to forge her own destiny and make her own decisions.

And the important bit is, my love and care and approval is not conditional on her doing what I would like. You have done nothing wrong here at all. It’s your mum who is behaving in a damaging way, not you. You can go down the route of saying, actually, 90 mins away is a bloody good deal, and pretty close in Australian terms, certainly day visits are possible. You can try and tell how how other mothers are worse off and so on. But the person that needs to think about this isn’t you, but her. And you can’t change her behaviour. If you will feel bad whatever you do, my advice is please yourself and feel bad, not please her and feel bad. It’s possible that nothing you do will ever be enough, so accept that and don’t try. Good luck to you.

Why does she need care? Is she ill or disabled or just very needy and controlling? The distance between you is the only thing protecting you from your narcissistic mother.

Do you have siblings?

Don't encourage her to move closer. She can be a perfectly involved grandparent without needing daily contact. Fuck that. She sounds toxic. Dont allow her to damage your child in the way she has damaged you.

Your mum sounds selfish and self obsessed. You will never be able to please her. Stop worrying so much about her and focus on your own growing family. Congratulations.

If it's so important to her, and she's fit enough to be an "active" grandparent, then she can move. Frankly though, I wouldn't want her near, she sounds a manipulative nightmare. How dare she make you afraid to tell her. It should be the most joyful news a mother can hear. Honestly, if she lived 2 minutes away, she'd find something to make you feel bad about. Some people are just toxic, and even if they're family and you love them, you have to see this and protect yourself.

I'm helping my ds now think through his move to America. I'll miss him but I'm more excited for him than I am sad for me - because your child's happiness means more to you than your own happiness. Or, it should.......

You could, I would think accurately (given what you've said about therapy and her), say 'interesting, because you stole my past'. But these people never receive the same selfishness back.

Imagine OP living life as selfishly as your Mother, then don't do it. You will be glad of the distance.

I could have written the initial post (although my baby is now an adult). Unfortunately my mother lives with us. How do you detach when the person you need todetach from is in your house? She has nowhere to go and can't afford to get her own place. She has very few friends. I feel trapped every day. OP keep contact to a minimum of you can and set boundaries now because if you don't it will only get worse. I understand exactly how you feel when you say you are a bad and selfish daughter because that is how I feel even though I do everything to look after her.