Anyone disappointed after finding out the sex? HELP!

[MacMac123]

OK, I know I'm going to sound like a real cow, but I always thought I would have a baby girl (since I was a teenager), I've never really been particularly interested in baby boys or liked them that much, and even since I got pregnant I assumed - like 100 per cent - I was having a girl.
Just had my 20 week scan and found out its a boy. And this has really upset me. I feel like such a cow as the baby is healthy and its all going well and I've had an easy pregnancy but I'm feeling really scared and tearful.
I keep thinking what if I don't bond with it as its a boy, and what if I always wish it had been a girl. I feel like I won't know what to do with a boy and won't be able to bond with a boy.
There is no doubt if I'd been told it was a girl I would now be as happy as larry, whereas instead I've been crying. When technically its the same baby as it was all along, nothing has changed. It doesn't help that mother-in-law confessed she'd been hoping for a girl and then said 'oh well next time next time' and this is my 1st baby and her 1st grandchild so I felt really bad about that as wwell.
Has anyone else felt this way or am I total freak? And does anyone know if when it arrives it will be OK and I will love him? Am I being a total twat?

Aaah Butterfly McQueen - your post really struck a chord with me xxx

I used to think like that, i couldn't imagine having a boy. luckily I had a girl. But years later, we're still trying for baby no2. i've passed the stage of preferring girls to boys. I just want another baby. I'd give anything to be in your position.

Wow - this is so interesting. Everyone has such lovely little boys stories. I still do feel slightly gutted about it and shocked (I still inhertently seem to think its a girl) but my main problem is that I really don't like blue or dinosaurs - my best friend has a 6 year old boy and she has posters of Tyrannasaurus Rex's all over his bedroom.

And, ironically, there seem to be little girls everywhere I go too. I saw a baby boy today and I just thought oh right, wierd, I'm having one of those and I saw a 3 year old girl and I thought 'I want one of those' - like someone else said on this thread perahps I was having a baby to have this daughter I've always envisaged, not having a baby to have a 'child'.

Anyway, I took everyone's advice and went and looked at some baby clothes, but didn't buy anything as I kept thinking how much nicer the girls stuff is!

I think there definitely seems to be a prefernece in that more women want girls? Or expect girls? From what everyone is saying. But then it seems like eveyrone has such lovely boy stories and they are all really heart warming to read.

I definitely think finding out the sex if you have a prefernce is a bad idea. I am sure it would have all been fine once he was born if I hadn't known (mainly thanks to oxytocin no doubt!!!!).

Also, one more question, is it true once youv'e had one of one sex you are more likely to have that sex again? Does anyone know?
I am being really wary of thinking on to the next baby becuase of this boy, but I can't help it! I just want to know I'll have hope of having a girl one day!!!!! Although from what everyone has said, i won't feel that way once this one has arrived safely!

When I found out it was a boy with my first ds I was disappointed....and yes, I felt very guilty about that...but, I was glad I did find out so early, because it gave me time to get used to the idea, and by the time he was born, well, I couldn't have been happier...he was just beautyful and perfect and I wouldn't want him any other way

Like you, I just couldn't imagine myself as the mother of a boy, and like you I worried about not knowing what to do...but honest...boys are wonderful...and I should know...as I have got 3 of them now

MacMac - we have 3 boys and i have just given birth to my first girl, so who knows?

I only replied to your OP but just read your last question....tbh...I knoiw many like me, who have Baby's of the same sex, some like me all with the same Dad some with different men....but I know equally many that have different sexed Babies...again either wiht the same man or with different men...
Some do say that diet can influence your vaginal environment...and that depending if you have a acidic or not environment, you will be more likely to have one sex or the other...not sure which way....not sure if it is really true...

Can kind of see where you're coming from.... But we decided not to find out the sex in either of my pregnancies so I tried hard not to get thinking too much about whether we were having a boy or a girl, just carried on referring to the baby as "it"!! Then wham bam pre-eclampsia struck in a dramatic fashion and suddenly my LO had to be delivered within hours of PE diagnosis at 30 weeks....And we had a little boy (who's now 3!). It was only then that I realised how subconscioualy I'd been assuming I was having a girl...I lay awake feeling awful that first night, panicking about how my wee boy was doing in NICU and at the same time fretting about how I'd bond with a boy, would I know what to do with a boy as he grew up, would be still be friends and close when he became an adult (my DP & his bro are very distant from their mother which always worries me)? Anyways before I knew it I was head over heels in love with my tiny bundle and he is now the most affectionate, bright, beautiful child I could wish for (though very stubborn, energetic & wilful!). When we tried for no. 2 I suddenly found myself panicking about having a girl!!! which incidently is what I got, and of course adore equally!

When your baby is born you will love jim no matter what- it may happen instantly or may take a few days/weeks but it will happen, and it won't matter what sex they are!

Clothing does suck for boys, not very imaginative- I would try to get secondhand Vertbaudet/French stuff it's a bit more interesting and not always blue...mind you that goes for girls too....pink gets a bit monotonous!!

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy hope everything goes smoothly xx

I have a girl and can't say baby dolls or pink are always my choice - but swiftly you will come to realise that they have their own strong views after a little while what they want to wear, watch and play with, so it doesn't really matter what you like/don't like (blue/dinosaurs etc), they won't necessarily conform to it anyway. For example, I had a big tyrannosaurus poster for a while growing up as I was fascinated when my dad took me to the Natural History museum!
I don't think it is a bad idea to find out the sex first if you have a preference - I think it is better to get ready and enthusiastic about the child you're having, but everyone's different. Please just enjoy your pregnancy and focus on this little one. Girls are not all about pretty dresses, you can get some lovely boys' things and I am sure you will be thrilled with your little man once he comes, and will wonder why you ever felt like this! But remember for many people it takes some time to bond with their baby, boy or girl, and if it does take a little time, don't think it is because he's a boy - but because the first days of motherhood are a tough slog no matter what.

After we'd had our first 2 boys I thought long and hard about whether I wanted another child or whether I just wanted a daughter. I decided I wanted another child, boy or girl, so we went ahead and tried for another. When I fell pregnant I thought a girl would be nice, but also there was something appealing about having 3 boys too. So I was really surprised (and ashamed) at how disappointed I felt when we found out at the 20 week scan that we were having our third boy. It wasn't that I didn't want a boy - the thought of meeting my little boy was still exciting. But I did feel like I was grieving for the daughter I would never have. We didn't tell anyone else what we were having and I certainly would never say to anyone in real life that I was disappointed at all not to be having a girl. I even hid from dh how upset I was.

Because we knew he was a boy there was no disappointment when DS3 arrived 3 months ago. He is perfect in every way (as you'll see from the picture on my profile). His brothers (who are both really affectionate boys) adore him.

I'm still sad that I'll never have a daughter and have come to accept that I'll probably always feel a pang when I see a really cute girls outfit or hear another mum taking her little girl to dance class. And the thought of 3 teenage boys scares me a bit!!

As for your second question I think that once you have 2 of the same sex you are much more likely to have a third the same. Not sure why - I think there are ways they say you can sway it although that wasn't for me.

I'm sorry I havn't read the full thread.

I completely understand how you're feeling. I KNEW ds1 was going to be a ds, but when pg with baby no two was convinced I was having my girl(Like you always thought I'd have a girl) I found out I wasn't. I did cry too and feel like a total ungratful cow. I knew how much i adored my ds1, so loving a boy and knowing how fab and non-"boy" like he could be should have meant I was ok but i wasn't. i was gutted. I still loved my bean as much as ever but I was very disappointed.

I 've now got two wonderful sons. i do all the things i would do with any child(male or female), baking,shopping,building dens, singing,reading stories,playing football and drinking coffee with their friend's mummies! I never wanted a fairy princess for a daughter(but would gladly have one!) but similiarly my boys have baby dolls and my four year old is a great critic of my dress sense(and bless tells me I'm "beeetiful" when I'm dressed up for a rare night out!)the rest of the time they just beat one another up and go "Raaaaaaaaaa" a lot!

I will admit i still want another child and would try to do what I could to get one(sex standing on my head if it'd work!) If ds2 had been dd1 perhaps I'd happily leave my DH to be dad of two!

It's ok to feel teary, but trust me, it dosn't make you a bad person. you will love your little boy and apparently girls are a nightmare sometimes. I know I was!!

whoops. i meant the sex on head ref to having a girl as no 3.

in-gender.com has some statistics on birth - I think you are only very slightly more likely to have a third of the same sex - it's pretty insignificant though. Worth a look but like I said, you should focus on the baby you're having rather than the future ones you might!

kizzie

rozzyrasberry i have teenagers and boys are by far the kindlier more open honest clean and tidy variety!

fwiw - the 'clothes' issue will always upset me! how shallow is that?

I wanted three children and I have three boys. They are a gorgeous bunch of mummy's boys and there's something lovely about them all being boys - somehow they can really connect over those dinosaurs/spidermen/whatever, in a way that I can't quite imagine if they were a mixed bunch.

BUT, I really wanted a girl, and always assumed I'd have one. It wasn't an issue 1st time round, and 2nd time I was sort of pleased to have ds2 as I knew it would otherwise have been an uphill struggle to convince dh for number 3. But then I was devastated when I found out the sex of ds3, really didn't bond properly for ages, and I guess suffered pnd for most of the first year. I feel that it would all have been a happy time if he'd been the girl I wanted (I know it's horrible, don't shoot me, I couldn't help it).

Anyway, now of course I wouldn't swap him for anything, ever, and I find being the mother of my sons wonderful. But I still feel that not having a daughter is my tragedy. I doubt that I will ever get over it. I think it's because I was expecting to relive so many magic moments of my life with her (like when my mum used to take me to the ballet, and having elaborate french plaits, and all that sort of thing). So I identify with lots of the posters here, who are delighted with their children, but still have regrets.

I don't think you can assume anything about how they'll behave as adults - my brother and dh are always on the phone to their mums, and I never get round to calling. I actually think I call my mil more often than my mum!

And, do you really like dinosaurs less than Winx Fairies?

bigshopper so honest! i read your post to dp x

I can only comment from a boys' mum perspective (as I have 2ds) but don't be sad - boys rock! They aren't always boisterous (mine aren't) and in my experience (comparing with my friends w have girs), they are more loving and besotted with their mums than daughters! Whatever flavour you get is a gift, but boys are delicious and I wouldn't swap mine for anything.

honestly, boys rock, they're so much fun with all the chasing around and all the pretending to be dinosaurs etc. i only have 1 DS but just couldn't imagine having a girl and playing with dolls etc even though i'm a pretty girly girl myself. DS has given me insight into the way the male mind works, how, despite my best efforts he loves pretending to shoot anything with anything that looks remotely gun like.

i have 2 brothers and one of them is way more of a support and is closer to my parents than i am, mostly as my other brother and i moved away. his wife is more suited to the shopping trips and gossiping with my mum than i am.

there are just as many stories of grown women who don't get along with their mothers as there are those who do. some of them i'm sure are not down to any bad parenting from the older mother.

enjoy your boy, i promise you will.

madmums post reminded me of something....when I was pg with es there were a few other girls due around the same time...one of the other girls didn't want to find out the sex beforehand, saying she'd be happy eitherway, etc...but she did suspect she would be having a girl....well....she didn't, and she told me that she really regretted NOT finding out beforehand, because the first day with her new Baby was spoiled by feelings of sadness and disappointment (and her own guilt of feeling those things), because she had obviously convinced herself she would be having a girl, because deep within that was what she was wishing for...and of corse she got over that and loves her son more then anyhting...but it did spoil those first precious hours....and oddly enough that was the exact reason WHY we wanted to know...because I wanted to be as prepared as I could...and knowing in advance gave me a chance of getting used to the idea well in advance....so, my first hours were spend looking in complete amazement at that gorgeous little bundle that we somehow had managed to produce

This thread is great - its like private therapy .

Totally sympathise with the clothes thing Butterly. Im shallow too . I dont think I'll ever be able to walk past the girls department in monsoon without a pang.

Bigshopper - can really identify with your post.

This weekend DH has been away for 4 days so its just been the 3 of us. (me and twin DS). We've had a great time and they've been absolutely lovely - but there is no doubt that they live in a different world to me. Sport/ cars/ dinosaurs/ vile digusting creatures & stories etc etc. And I would have done different things this weekend if I had daughters.

When I had the IVF they put 3 embryos back - and two developed into my boys. Ive often wondered (totally pointlessly of course ) if the third would have been a girl. But of course if given the choice i wouldnt swap either of my two for the world.

I do know though that if I had had daughters I would never have thought about the 'son I'll never have' in the way that I grieve for the daughter I'll never know. And part of that is because I never appreciated how wonderful boys can be.

But saying that (and this is awful) - I still generally much prefer girls to boys in a group of children. There are a couple of my sons friends who are just fantastic. Eccentric, gorgeous, funny little boys. But in a group - its always the girls I find myself chatting to/ playing with.

Sorry - rambling on now....... .

Kizziex

Just read that back - and have totally failed to make the point I intented for the OP.

Before I had children my ideal probably would have been to have two or 3 girls as I had no appreciation for the wonder of boys.

But now that I have sons my ideal (in cloud cuckoo fantasy land ) would be to have one or two of each - because I really wouldnt have wanted to miss out on all the raw joys my boys have brought.

And one day you'll feel the same - and feel absolutely blessed to have your son .

Kizzie x

I absolutely agree with what everyone has said, you WILL love your son, whether it is love at first sight or whether it creeps up on you gradually. I was really pleased when I found out I was having a little boy with my first pregnancy, although I don't think I had a huge preferance. With my second baby, I do remember being a little disappointed that it was another little boy. It didn't last long, maybe 24 hours. Then ds2 was born and naturally, I was bowled over by the love I felt when he was born. He was a very difficult baby and turned out to be very poorly indeed and we were lucky that he survived. Now I am pregnant with my 3rd baby and am getting all the "I bet you want a girl" comments, when in all honesty, I couldn't care less what gender I have, so long as the baby is healthy. sure, a girl would be nice, but my boys are brilliant, funny and very, very affectionate. My ds2 reckons when he grows up he is going to marry his mama cos he love me so much. How can I not melt at that? (I will worry about the wrongness of it later, when he's older than 3, lol!). I consider myself very blessed to have 2 sons and know that I would be a very lucky mama indeed if I got a 3rd son. 3 sons sounds magical somehow.

I was hoping for a girl too, never been interested in boys things or little boys and my only thoughts on the matter were 'but I hate football'!
So, along with the person who posted earlier I WORSHIP my 18 month old ds. (It made me laugh the way she wrote this, it's so true for me too). He is cuddly, sweet fun and I have never for a minute had a pang of wishing he was a she.
He is obsessed with tractors, diggers, mechanical things that I have never been interested in, but now I walk down the street, even when he is not with me and think 'oh look, a crane'.
If I have another baby, I would love a boy again.
I just know you are going to love your little boy!

LOL Charliegal, I do that too! I have spent the last 7 years (good god, ds1 turned 7 yeaterday ) going, "ohhh look, a digger/tractor/nee-naw" and even find myself doing it when the boys aren't in the car

I've found this thread has helped me come to terms with the guilt I feel about wishing I had a girl. I've NEVER admitted my sadness to anyone in real life (except dh, who was shocked that I cried when I told him as it was such an emotional thing for me) as I'd feel like I was betraying my children. I've identified so much with so many of these posts. And girls clothes are miles nicer, even ignoring the fact that girls rarely reach a point where they will only wear football shirts. Boys toys are much much better though. I would a zillion times rather have the house full of train sets than barbies.