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Original poster

Anyone disappointed after finding out the sex? HELP!

164 replies

MacMac123 · 22/05/2008 14:31

OK, I know I'm going to sound like a real cow, but I always thought I would have a baby girl (since I was a teenager), I've never really been particularly interested in baby boys or liked them that much, and even since I got pregnant I assumed - like 100 per cent - I was having a girl.
Just had my 20 week scan and found out its a boy. And this has really upset me. I feel like such a cow as the baby is healthy and its all going well and I've had an easy pregnancy but I'm feeling really scared and tearful.
I keep thinking what if I don't bond with it as its a boy, and what if I always wish it had been a girl. I feel like I won't know what to do with a boy and won't be able to bond with a boy.
There is no doubt if I'd been told it was a girl I would now be as happy as larry, whereas instead I've been crying. When technically its the same baby as it was all along, nothing has changed. It doesn't help that mother-in-law confessed she'd been hoping for a girl and then said 'oh well next time next time' and this is my 1st baby and her 1st grandchild so I felt really bad about that as wwell.
Has anyone else felt this way or am I total freak? And does anyone know if when it arrives it will be OK and I will love him? Am I being a total twat?

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chipmonkey · 22/05/2008 15:48

I kept trying for a girl and now have 4 boys!
We didn't find out the sex on any but ds4. With ds1, like you I thought I would have a girl because all the women on my Mum's side tend to have girls, my granny had 17 grandchildren and only 5 were boys. I had also read lots of girly books and envisaged a sort of "Little Women" scenario, with a house full of girls. So when ds1 was born, I was utterly shocked and a bit disappointed. But within a day or so, I completely bonded with him and loved him unconditionally. With ds2 and ds3 I didn't find out the sex but told myself they would more than likely be boys because I did feel bad about that initial shock and disappointment I had felt with ds1.

With ds4 I did find out he was a boy and was very upset as I had agreed with dh that this was the last baby. I felt very hard done by over never getting a girl. What made it harder was that 2 days before finding out the sex, my SIL had a girl and called her dd "my" girl name and as the 2 babies have the same surname, it was as if she had had the baby I was supposed to have. I did worry that I wouldn't bond with him but as soon as he was born I felt an instant rush of love for him. And he is gorgeous!

All babies have lovely soft skin and that yummy baby smell regardless of whether they are dressed in pink or blue. And you will love your little boy, he will very quickly be the light of your life!

jingleyjen · 22/05/2008 15:53

I cried for three days when it turned out our baby who was going to be called charlotte grace HAD A WILLY!!!!
So DS1 was born, he is fabulous, however, 20 week scan with next pregnancy
Cried for three days as it turned out this wasn't going to be Charlotte Grace either!!
I have 2 boys. They are fantastic.
I would like another baby, part of me would like it to be a little girl but if it was another boy I would be overjoyed.
You get used to boys - honest

ksld · 22/05/2008 16:08

I second what eveyone has said about being better finding out now - give yourself time to become accustomed to boys, spend time with any small boys you know learning what they like doing etc.

I convinced myself I was having a girl and we had no boy's name ready for DS1 and I was so disappointed, and then felt so guilty for being disappointed. I didn't bond or fall in love with my boy straight away either - I just felt 'but what do I DO with a boy?' - all my dreams of girly pink dresses and playing dolls again gone! I don't enjoy playing pushing cars around the room as much as bathing dollies either!

BUT I adore both my DSs and would not swap them for the world - they are who they are and you will love your little boy so much you won't believe it is possible you ever felt this way. The boys keep me much more active than I would probably have been with a girl, they open my eyes to completely different things - I can even recognise some makes of car now!

Original poster
MacMac123 · 22/05/2008 17:26

Well, thanks everyone. I have been trying not to cry about it all day but I feel much better now.
Jineleyjen - my name was 'Florence Rose' and I think not being able to have it is one of hte things that is upsetting me so much!
I totally feel 'what will I DO with a boy' and loving pink and frilly stuff myself even now at 31 I was so looking forward to having a girl.
Oh well, thanks for all your help everyone. I can't even begin to explain how much of a help your responses have been. I didn't even know such a thing as 'gender disappintment' existed I just thought I was being an awful ungrateful human being.

OP posts:
hatrick · 22/05/2008 17:34

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myredcardigan · 22/05/2008 19:19

I have one of each and it's all ok now but when DD was born I was utterly heartbroken that she was a girl and not another boy. So much so that it took me a few weeks to bond with her. I mention that to reassure you that actually you may not bond straight away if you still feel as you do now, but it will come. Though I didn't find out the sex so the shock came in the delivery suite.

I hadn't been bothered either way first time but after having DS all I could think of was how I could have this whole gang of lads climbing and getting muddy in the garden together. I just kept thinking she'd want pink and dresses and hair things.

I'm pregnant with DC3 and again we don't know the sex. If I could choose, I'd choose another son but this whole pregnancy is exactly the same as it was with my DD so I'm sure it's another girl. I know everyone says this but it's honestly true that when they come, your overriding urge is to know they're ok. Good luck!

toodles · 22/05/2008 19:54

I had the opposite happen to me. I was convinced that dc1 was going to be a boy. While pregnant I even called 'him' D (my ds' name). Didn't know the sex until dd1 was born.
When I saw her, I fell instantly in love with her. She was perfect.

I wanted a boy because I am 1 of 3 girls and didn't have the best of relationships with my sisters. My dh is 1 of 4 and he is the eldest with 3 younger sisters. I saw that they had a good relationship and even if they fought with him, things got settled quite quickly. I just thought having an older brother would be lovely for younger sisters. Anyway I'm fine with the way things have turned out. I had ds next and then dd2. I found ds more challenging because he was more emotionally attached to me and needed me more than dd1. She was very independent at a very young age.

I would love to have another ds and when I think of trying for another baby I think in my head that it will be a boy, which of course is silly. I need to make sure I'm going to feel fine with another dd before trying again.

FacingUpToThis · 22/05/2008 19:59

I was devastatee at my 20 week scan to find out I was having a girl - cried so hard that the doctor got really cross with me and said I was lucky she was healthy. But I was so glad I knew then because I had time to prepare myself, and there would have been nothing worse than that feeling at birth, but as I knew I had time to go and get things for her, choose a name and when she came I bonded with her very quickly. I hope you will have the same experience - when she was born it didn't matter what she was, just that she was little and tiny and scared and needed me, and that took place of everything, and now we are very close.

missorinoco · 22/05/2008 20:38

i thought that too. almost word for word. "what do i do with a boy?" in the early days, little difference (i think, i only have a ds) except you can wipe back to front and point the willy down when you put the nappy on!

now, still not sure i do much different. (ds is one). suspect i have more blue than if ds had been dd, but those rattles all shake the same.

catsypug · 22/05/2008 20:52

Big hugs to you!! I know exactly how you feel - gender disappointment is an odd thing and not something most people admit to for fear of being lynched for child abuse or something! It's perfectly natural and normal to have a dream and to feel disappointed when it doesn't come true. We're pregnant for so long as well that we have all this time to dwell on our dreams because we haven't met our baby yet.

I'm due in 4 weeks with DD2. We really really wanted a boy this time as we have a DD who we absolutely adore, but only really wanting 2 kids we wanted the chance to raise both so we tried the Shettles method and diet - everything felt so different this time that we really had our hopes up but they were dashed at the scan.

DH took it worse at the time but now, things are so much better and I'm really looking forward to meeting her and so is he. We can't wait to see DD1's face because she loves babies and is so excited!

The dilemma for next year though is do we go for a third??? If it was DD3 I think DH would probably leave home....in search of a bathroom he'd be able to get in now and again!

ButterflyMcQueen · 22/05/2008 20:54

op you will be fine

i have tried and tried for girls - my last three have been boys

i COULD NOT have enjoyed them or loved them more NO WAY and this is despite a heart aching yearning for girls that tore me apart...

my boys are my world despite a girly obsession

you will be fine!

ButterflyBessie · 22/05/2008 21:00

I have 3 girls and 1 boy, and all are equally gorgeous but my boy is far more demonstrative and loving and easy etc etc etc, I was terrified before I had him now I just have 4 kids and they are all gorgeous.

Don't worry too much, just enjoy your pregnancy

mamablue · 22/05/2008 21:01

Hello. I am not for one moment judging you and I genuinely can see where you are coming from but just imagine how disapointed you would be not to be pregnant at all. Well done for being brave enough to admit how you feel though. I am sure you will adore your little boy when he arrives.

elliot3 · 22/05/2008 21:05

I used to smile to myself when i was pregnant with my first when anyone said it was a girl because I KNEW it was a boy, mother's intuition and all of that... when the midwife said it was a girl it felt so wrong for about 2 minutes.She's 12 now and so right, everyhting is meant to be .... I've got two girls and one boy now and girls are great but so are boys, really loving and funny and uncomplicated , you'll fall in love instantly guaranteed

chipmonkey · 22/05/2008 21:10

I'm not sure that finding out the sex was best for me tbh. When I found out, I could only feel disappointment in the boy I hadn't yet met, whereas when he was born, at least I had the cuddly baby and it was much easier to love him.

CapricaSix · 22/05/2008 21:44

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ButterflyMcQueen · 22/05/2008 22:09

agree chipmonkey

i only found out with one but was upset whereas its more of a 'shrug and a smile' when he is handed to you

hatrick · 22/05/2008 22:18

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warthog · 22/05/2008 22:23

i felt this too. i was hoping for a ds, but got dd. and i adore her! i'm glad i found out, because i could reconcile myself to her before she was born. have never looked back, and i'm pg with dd2! thrilled to bits.

warthog · 22/05/2008 22:24

so i think it's good to acknowledge you feel this way, because it means you can move on from it too. it's a totally reasonable thing to feel.

SilentTerror · 22/05/2008 22:31

I read once that if you are desperate for a certain sex,it is better not to find out at scan,but wait t ill you deliver and then it really doesn't matter!
I wanted a girl with second pregnancy(already had 1 DD) but found out accidentally that it was a boy,and spent 20 weeks feeling disappointed.After DS wqas born though it really didn't matter at all.
With DD2 we didn't find out and it was a delightful surprise at delivery!
I knew DD3 was a girl at 24 weeks but didn't tell anyone,not even DH. I was delighted because I love girls and am def more mother of girls than boys.

mymblemummy · 23/05/2008 00:48

I didn't want to know the sex at either scan because it feels a bit like opening your presents before Christmas.

Both times I wanted girls, the second time even more so, because my daughter was such a delightful baby.

Well, the second was a boy, which was a bit of a surprise, but he is an utter darling and I wouldn't swap him for anything.

I'm glad I didn't know beforehand because he was so lovely when he arrived I couldn't possibly feel disappointed.

mymblemummy · 23/05/2008 00:48

I didn't want to know the sex at either scan because it feels a bit like opening your presents before Christmas.

Both times I wanted girls, the second time even more so, because my daughter was such a delightful baby.

Well, the second was a boy, which was a bit of a surprise, but he is an utter darling and I wouldn't swap him for anything.

I'm glad I didn't know beforehand because he was so lovely when he arrived I couldn't possibly feel disappointed.

mymblemummy · 23/05/2008 00:48

I didn't want to know the sex at either scan because it feels a bit like opening your presents before Christmas.

Both times I wanted girls, the second time even more so, because my daughter was such a delightful baby.

Well, the second was a boy, which was a bit of a surprise, but he is an utter darling and I wouldn't swap him for anything.

I'm glad I didn't know beforehand because he was so lovely when he arrived I couldn't possibly feel disappointed.

mymblemummy · 23/05/2008 00:48

I didn't want to know the sex at either scan because it feels a bit like opening your presents before Christmas.

Both times I wanted girls, the second time even more so, because my daughter was such a delightful baby.

Well, the second was a boy, which was a bit of a surprise, but he is an utter darling and I wouldn't swap him for anything.

I'm glad I didn't know beforehand because he was so lovely when he arrived I couldn't possibly feel disappointed.

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