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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Birthing partner- mum and husband

145 replies

SophieRules · 10/05/2025 13:14

My husband would prefer it to just be us, but my mum would like to be there. I don’t feel strongly either way, but think I might like my mum to be there. Anyone been in this position? Feel like I can’t really win with whatever decision is made, either my husband or mum will feel aggrieved.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 10/05/2025 13:15

Not sure why your mum would feel
aggrieved. I had no expectation whatsoever of being asked.

Fuzziduck · 10/05/2025 13:18

Why on earth would your mum feel aggrieved? She has no horse in this race.

MauraLabingi · 10/05/2025 13:21

It's not weird to want your mum, but it IS weird for her to feel aggrieved. That is a bit entitled of her.

Giving birth is very messy. Any birth partner will likely get a close up view of your vagina (not in its prettiest moment), and your bum (potentially popping out some piles), you might well poo whilst pushing, and you might hit/bite/swear at anyone who comes near you. Are you happy with your mum seeing all that?

The other thing is that it is an incredible bonding moment for you and your partner. It is amazing and you just look at each other in wonder that you created this new human. I have a lovely lovely mum, but if she'd been there that moment would have been lost. I'm so glad she wasn't.

PlanetOtter · 10/05/2025 13:23

Use this as an opportunity for your mum to get used to hearing ‘no’, or she’s going to be a nightmare granny.

SocktopusEatsSocks · 10/05/2025 13:24

First baby?
what do YOU need OP? How are you feeling about the birth? What kind of support would you like from your birth partner(s)?
Have you done some antenatal classes with your DH yet? Births can take ages, and your birth partners might need to take breaks to go and have something to eat, for example. So one advantage to having both your DH and your mother there is that you could always have someone in the room with you and they could leave the room to have a coffee/ go to the toilet etc.
What part of the birth does your husband really want to witness/participate in? Is there some things that can be agreed on or compromised on - like maybe your mum lets your DH and you do the 3rd stage (pushing and birth) on your own and then comes in afterwards during recovery? Or you reassure him that he will get to cut the cord, hold baby first after you?
You should also have a plan for if an emergency C-Section is needed - your hospital may have different rules for this too.

crumblingschools · 10/05/2025 13:26

Not up to your mum. Surely if you want your mum there then you ask her, not the other way round. If you only have her there because she wants to be there, good luck with the rest of your parenting life as I can see her being interfering. She should not be aggrieved if you don’t have her there.

Used to watch One Born Every Minute, there were some awful mums on there, pushing out the father to be (to be fair there were some awful fathers to be too!) Remember one particular episode when mother of daughter demanded that she be the one accompanying her daughter to theatre when a c section suddenly became necessary and the poor dad to be was left sitting there forlornly. Was awful

Surroundedbyfools · 10/05/2025 13:26

You are the one pushing a baby out. The entire scenario revolves around YOU and what YOU want. No one else !! Personally I would have only wanted my husband there. As it turns out I had 2 sections and 1 during Covid so there was no discussion to be had otherwise I’m sure my mother would fully have expected to be there !

IdaGlossop · 10/05/2025 13:27

Your DH has to take precedence over your mum because he's the father. Can you tell your mum that, kindly? Your mum has put you in a difficult position.

UpJacksArseAndRoundTheCorner · 10/05/2025 13:28

Depending on how long it all takes, you and your DH might be glad of her there to give him a break.

But your mum shouldn't feel entitled to be there.

Gymmum82 · 10/05/2025 13:31

I think your dh feelings trump your mums. Do you really want your mum to see you fanny out. Shitting yourself? I don’t think I’d want my mum seeing me in that situation. She has no business being there since she didn’t create the baby. However it’s your choice. I would consider my husbands feelings if he really didn’t want her there

Wishboneswishes · 10/05/2025 13:33

It’s not fair for your Mum to let you feel she’d be aggrieved if she’s not at the birth. It should 100% be your decision along with your DH but ultimately it’s for you to decide. Also unfair I think if DH says no to her being there if it’s what you want.
It’s about you.

Starlight7080 · 10/05/2025 13:36

My first we went with my dh with me from the start. But my dm was told any problems or if I felt I needed her then she would come right away.
Turned out my dh rang my parents as things going wrong and he couldn't cope at all.
My dm was my rock in the end .
I would just say you will see how it goes at the time. It could be 20 hours of labour so chances are you dh may want an hour to get fresh air and eat and your dm can sit with you

alcoholnightmare · 10/05/2025 13:40

Sounds like you have a lovely Mum…. Who’d be better off at home waiting for the call to be first to visit at visiting hours.
don’t take this away from your husband. This is YOURS and his experience

heroinechic · 10/05/2025 13:42

You don’t feel strongly either way, and your husband wants it to be just the two of you. Your husband’s wishes trump your mothers.

Dinosaurshoebox · 10/05/2025 13:44

If you wanted your mum there. Then that trumps your husband.

But choosing your mums tantrum over your husband....well that speak of the state of your priorities and the damage you could cause your babies central family.

nahthatsnotforme · 10/05/2025 13:50

Get off on the right foot and have your husband doing what’s needed of him from the word go. He should be your support.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 10/05/2025 13:51

@SophieRules was your mum there to support you when you had the sex to get pregnant?? NO! of course, your mum shouldnt be there!! it is a private time for mum and dad, not granny!!

nopineapplepizza · 10/05/2025 13:59

Did your mum have her mum there at your birth?

I’m wondering why she thinks she’s entitled to be there and if there’s some kind of precedent set?

But in this scenario, spouse always takes priority.

If you felt strongly that you wanted your mum there that would be different, but as you don’t then you should go through this pivotal moment with your DH; it’s a relationship changer, honestly. Any decent husband and father will have a greater respect for the mother of his child having been there at the birth.

Itisjustmyopinion · 10/05/2025 14:00

Oh this is just the start of it otherwise you are going to let your mum know she can over rule you husband’s wishes on things about your (both you and your husbands) child

Noshowlomo · 10/05/2025 14:00

Im with your husband. I understand women ask their mothers if their partner/husband is a bit shit but otherwise it was such a special moment between me and my sons father. No one else needed to be there (midwives obviously there!)

ItsADoggieDogWorld · 10/05/2025 14:02

How would you feel if he wanted his mum there and you didn't? Do you think his feelings then should come before yours?

Straightomyhead · 10/05/2025 14:17

Firstly this is entirely your decision and about what you want. No one else’s opinion matters. You are the one who is giving birth so it’s upto you who you want.

I only had my partner and that was perfect for us. Me and my mum are so close but I knew I wanted a calm situation all about me and the baby and minimal faff. Orhers had other family members and were happy. Do what you want and everyone else can visit when you are both ready.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 10/05/2025 14:20

DSis and I were extremely close to our mum, but she really overstepped on this one thing. When DSis was giving birth for the first time, our parents were in the hospital waiting room (they’d been having dinner together when her waters broke).

It was a quick labour, and when DBiL popped out to say it wouldn’t be long, my mum followed him back into the birthing room, uninvited, and was there for the last 15 mins as nephew was born.

Everyone was preoccupied, obviously, and it was too awkward to ask her to leave again, so no one said anything, but DSis always felt she kind of ‘took’ something from the moment. She made it about what she wanted rather than what DSis and her husband wanted, and instead of being something private and special, it became a story my mum liked to launch into as a proud new gran - even though it wasn’t hers to tell.

We loved our mum dearly and she was a truly wonderful grandma, but in that moment, overcome with excitement, she was selfish and intrusive.

If you and DH don’t want your mum there, be very clear about your decision up front.

Straightomyhead · 10/05/2025 14:20

Also birth isn’t always some magical time. My first birth was messy, I was sick so many times, I got moved to theatre for forceps and was sick on the theatre floor and baby came out covered in his own poo. A few hours later I realised he was mine and it was after my partner had left for the night, so don’t bank on it being magical or a special time for you. Sometimes birth is about survival.

(again only my opinion and I went into birth wanting a water birth and no drugs other than gas and air. Ended up in theatre with a spinal.)

thistimelastweek · 10/05/2025 14:26

Never occurred to me or my daughter that I should be there for the birth.
We are very close but this is a very special time for a couple - just the two of them - to welcome their new baby.