Birthing partner- mum and husband

[SophieRules]

My husband would prefer it to just be us, but my mum would like to be there. I don’t feel strongly either way, but think I might like my mum to be there. Anyone been in this position? Feel like I can’t really win with whatever decision is made, either my husband or mum will feel aggrieved.

If this is what you really feel this is the answer ..
just tell her you have made a decision it’s going to be you and Dh but would love her to meet baby soon after the birth .

I do think - your birth your decision .

Well he can advocate for you when you can’t advocate for yourself. He can be a witness to what happens and help you make sense of it. He could make decisions for you and your child if you cannot.

@Ohthatsabitshit I’m sure that mine would’ve done his best for us in a serious situation. Unfortunately, he was liable to faint if he saw anything so I just told him to sit by my head and sent him out to get some breakfast while DS was being born as his sympathetic expression was irritating me. -he reappeared during the final pushes. 😂

Your vagina your choice 🤷🏼‍♀️😂sorry but if you want your mum there then that’s it.

I love my husband but I knew he wouldn’t deal well when it got to the nitty gritty and needed my mum to be strong and bring me back when I was needing it.

Unfortunately It ended in emergency section so only one was allowed in theatre which was obviously my husband.

You do what feels right for you. Your mum and husband should understand either way. Xx

If you can't have both? As long as you and your mum are close, take your mum. A high number of men are almost completely useless in birthing suites.

My sister had my mum at her first birth so I think she assumed/hoped she’d be there for mine too. I just told her I feel like it’s an intimate experience just for myself and my partner becoming a family. That’s exactly how it was for both of my children’s births and they were perfect. No regrets!

Did your mum want to be at the conception too?!
it’d be a hard no from me!
mum can come and help you afterwards! & be refreshed with food and other supplies and an enthusiasm to do some housework whilst you and your husband work out how to look after your baby!
of course she can be involved in the baby, but you must lead as a couple.

Really sound advice here

I simply can't understand why people think birth is a spectator sport and have loads of people there. I didn't even want my ex husband there. I just wanted to birth on my own with a midwife.

I originally wanted my mum there, other half wanted it to be just us. She ended up having to calm him down over the phone when I was rushed in for an emergency c-section after many hours of failed progress. So kind of wish I'd stuck to my original decision!
Do what feels right for you!

Your mum is your husband’s mother-in-law. Would you like your mother-in-law there?
Neither were present making the baby, neither should be present at the birth.

I genuinely do understand where you’re coming from, but the birth is the first moment of your parenting journey which is a lifetime of decisions between ONLY the parents. Dismissing your husband’s wishes and feelings now set a standard for the future. You need to set boundaries.

DH was with me,my mum was in the waiting room. She came in briefly when I was in labour but I sent her out as she started crying and saying no as the labour didn't progress and they wanted to take me in for c section. She was not helpful!

It's really up to you and what you feel you need in terms of support.

It's aways felt to me like a special time just for the couple - when my DD gave birth the first time, I was not asked to be there which I was perfectly happy about.

However I ended up being there the 2nd time because she gave birth at home (not planned) - obviously a stressful situation for all concerned!

I had both with me in both births.
#1 In hospital, I was 21yo
#2 at home two years later.
My Mum was much more useful the first time, we were young and clueless, husband wasn’t confident and a bit in shock with it all I think.
Second time my mum was more in the background, making brews for the midwives etc. she cut the cord which was a special moment for her I think (husband said it was gross first time and had no desire to do it again 😆)

Do what you feel is best for you, I really needed my Mum in the first birth but would have been fine without her in the second.

This.
Different if you felt like you really needed your mum for support but that’s not the case here. I find it really shitty when grandparents muscle their way into scenarios that should really only be about the parents.

Midwife here. A second BP often helps provide support to both parents. It can allow one person to pop out and get air or supplies while the other remains close and can be relied upon to call immediately if anything changes. It doesn't matter who they are as long as they're supportive.

Honestly it’s a personal decision and you need to prioritise whatever makes YOU feel most comfortable. Yes it’s an exciting time and a baby is born but your birthing partners are exactly that- YOUR support to get you through the birth.

I had both my husband & my mum with me when I gave birth to my daughter and now pregnant with my second and will have them both with me again this time. They both supported me in really different ways, my husband & my mum also have a really close relationship so she supported him too, and as it happens I fell really unwell immediately after birth and having them both there meant that one could stay with the baby while the other stayed with me and I was incredibly grateful for that.

It’s your husbands child. This is a special moment for him too.

If you want your mom there, then ask if it’s worth overriding your husband’s wishes and creating a rift between you and your husband. That will create resentment for years to come.

See if you can compromise and she’s the first person after the birth to see you. If she gets upset she is just going to have to cope with it.

I wasn't sure what I wanted either. But being honest having my mam there was a god send! She's experienced it before and was so understanding and supportive and helpful. My DP was very excited to watch at the bottom end, or ask questions like "does it really hurt that much" 🙄 typical bloke. My mam stayed at the top end holding my hand or holding the gas and air for me, advising and guiding me. It was lovely

You know only a generation ago, it would be weird not to have your mum there, but to have the dad.

Oh see I really disagree with this.

There’s a reason they are called “birthing partners”- these are the people who are there to support YOU as the woman giving birth in those moments. It can be incredibly difficult, the only person who’s opinion matters about who is in that room is the person who is going to be pushing an entire human out of their body.

My husband can have an opinion when it’s him who has spent 9 months growing and carrying a baby, is experiencing indescribable pain, and is about the go through the intense experience of literally bringing a new person into the world (through a hole that does not make that easy!).

And if my husband “created a rift” over my asking for and accepting the support I needed in those moments, from whomever I need it from, I’d be rethinking the relationship.

A good midwife knows how to make grandma feel fully involved and make the best of her skills and experience, while still making sure dad, and mostly mum, are in the spotlight.

You and your husband created this new life birth is a fantastic emotional highly charged time. Unless you’re very very young or very, very vulnerable, I cannot see having your mum is something a woman would want.

Maybe I was reading it wrong you give the impression of not wanting to upset your mum but not having a desperate need for her to be there. Remember this is the birth when you become the mum.

Lots of people like having their mum there. Nothing wrong with that at all. You are the one who should decided who is there, it doesn’t matter that it’s his special moment too ffs, she’s the one giving birth and gets to decide who is there to support her.