Birthing partner- mum and husband

[SophieRules]

My husband would prefer it to just be us, but my mum would like to be there. I don’t feel strongly either way, but think I might like my mum to be there. Anyone been in this position? Feel like I can’t really win with whatever decision is made, either my husband or mum will feel aggrieved.

why is your husband bothered by your mum’s presence? it’s about what YOU want and need and tbf from my multiple experiences the more people the better. It is at end of the day your mum’s grandchild as much as it is his child. both have a right to be excited about this and not deprive the other of the happiness and joy and most importantly having more hands to help you while you go through this! (eg he goes toilet or to get food, she’d still be there etc)

Perhaps your mum would like to be there, but that doesn’t mean she has the right to feel aggrieved if she isn’t. It’s a really good bonding opportunity for you and your DH and then your baby too. Let your mum in soon after the birth if you like. What does DH think? He might agree to whatever you want, but that might not stop him feeling pushed out.
Be careful - your mum sounds like she’s going to be an interfering grandma unless you put your foot down firmly. The baby is yours and your DH's - not hers.

You do what YOU will be most comfortable with.

i had my sister and my husband. Husband was absolutely appalling and no support at all and my sister stepped up and was amazing. Husbands shit behaviour has always been excused as “well not all men are good at that stuff” meaning women just have to give birth unsupported if the husband turns out to be shit?

you are the one in labour. If you trust your husband to be all the support you need and don’t want your mum then you tell her not to come. If you think you will benifit from mums support you have her there. You are in labour not your husband and not your mum. Their feelings shouldn’t impact your decision. If they care they will care about how YOU feel

I had a long labour with DD1, I think I was 24 hours at home before I went to hospital (and then another 14 or so before she finally arrived. My mum came round during the day for a few hours whilst I was at home and that was really nice for all of us. Never any intention of her coming to hospital though as I only wanted DH with me then.

@Burntt are you still with your DH?

I had no intention of attending the birth of any of my grandchildren, that’s something special between mum & dad, not grandparents, I did say to my daughters though that if there were any problems and they wanted me there for support or if their partners wanted to grab 5 minutes of fresh air or something to eat and they’d rather not be alone just call!
lol Saying that though when one of my daughters were in labour we were all chatting most of the time on messenger and when she went quiet we knew baby was going to be making an appearance!

My mum was on her own when she had me in the 60s in hospital but db was born at home (df almost delivered him). I don't think it was planned that way.

@Burntt my ex dh couldn't even work the toast maker and someone else's dh made me some as I was starving. I think he was horrified he was expected to change the nappy ( I'd had a c section).

My sister told me to do this.

Toss a coin. Mum and hubby are heads, just hubby is tails.
Don't look at the outcome. Go with what your immediate reaction is - I hope it's tails, just have hubby.
If you're praying it's heads, then both.
I have found this surprisingly helpful.

Whatever anyone else wants, doesn't matter. You're having the baby.

U don't feel strongly either way so why not give the father of the child his place. I don't think it's right to go against his feelings especially since you aren't arsed if your mum is there or not.
Mum has no right to feel aggrieved.

My mum and partner both alternated time with me but it was my partner that was with me when I gave birth.

What you want/need is the priority.
I wanted my mam there as I knew if something went wrong my mam could reel off my entire medical history, hubby wouldn’t have known.

Also it was nice having someone to look after you specifically when little one arrives.

Your mum wasn’t present when the baby was made. Your husband was.

I'm sorry this isn't true. Women always supported women giving birth. I'm a midwife, we learn this as part of our studies. Women didn't attend alone routinely. The first time that started happening in this country was during covid.

I had my mum there for the labour but we agreed she left during delivery. Ended up needing to be taken to theatre anyway but I wanted the birth to be just me and DH. She came in straight after I was taken to the recovery room to meet her grandson.

I think this is a generational thing up to the 70s men were rarely at the birth of their child in fact some medical professionals discouraged and felt they were a hindrance. Mothers or close sisters often were present especially in home births. Once hospital births became the norm women either had just the nursing staff or it started to involve husbands having your mother became less and less. Maybe your mother is looking back and wishing for those times that maybe her mother or grandmother spoke of.

Ask your mum if you want her to be there and in which case your partner can lump it otherwise just have your partner

I had my mum, my nan and my husband there for my first! Women who have themselves given birth tend to be far more supportive than a man! I will be there when my DD has a child, she has already asked before she even considers getting pregnant 😂.

The last person I would have wanted in the room while I have birth would have been my mother. It's your baby and it's his baby it has nothing to do with your mother, she's gonna be grandma and needs to know she isn't in charge.

Slightly different situation but with my first I wanted my mum as I had a good idea of what labour and delivery might involve and was fairly confident my husband wouldn't cope well. He did not appreciate this. In the end my midwife Sat him down and ultimately said that none of the process was his decision as it was me undergoing procedures not him. He also didn't like that. In the end I had both him and mum there and it was a good job as I ended up with an emergency c section and mum came with me while he was passed out on the floor in the corridor. Next 2 births were just me and him though and he coped better. Go with your gut, at the end of the day it will be you physically experiencing it, not him.

Have whoever you want at your birth. Dont let anyone pressure you into having them present and ignore people saying you need to respect your husbands wishes for it to be just the two of you. You do whats best for you.

My dp originally wanted it to be the two of us and i told him in no uncertain terms my mum was going to be my main birth partner. They were both there in the end and my mother did great at advocating for me to have the birth i wanted whereas dp kept telling me to just do what i was told by midwives. Now im expecting again and having a homebirth and hoping to have my mum again.