Birthing partner- mum and husband

[SophieRules]

My husband would prefer it to just be us, but my mum would like to be there. I don’t feel strongly either way, but think I might like my mum to be there. Anyone been in this position? Feel like I can’t really win with whatever decision is made, either my husband or mum will feel aggrieved.

Give your husband his place and put your mum in hers. If you don’t you’re going to have difficulties raising your baby with your husband taking a back seat to your mum. Not great your mum feels entitled.

I think if you really wanted your mum there, I would say have her. But if you are doing it just because SHE wants it, then no. I didn't want my mum with me when I gave birth as I knew she'd be way too emotional and would distract me. She was at the hospital when I had my first and came in after he was born, which was fine.

Have a an opinion. if it’s to be just you and DH tel mum. If she’s pissed off so be it. Was her mum with her when she gave birth to you - unlikely

you’re an adult with your own family

I feel a bit sorry for your partner that you aren’t fussed whether it’s him or your mum there! This is your partner whom you presumably love and the father of this baby, he should be there. Are you only allowed one?
Ultimately it’s your decision but your mother has had her babies. Of course that might be a plus in terms of her capacity to help and support you, but it doesn’t always work out that way and ultimately I think dad should be there.

I don’t think so. My parents had me in the 80s and would agree this is weird.

Was your mum there when the baby was conceived too?

you’re a grown adult, this is not her time/place. This is a moment for your new immediate family, and she isn’t a part of that.

If you don't think a dad to be is going to to be great during the birth, not being an advocate for you etc, why did you think they were good dad material in the first place

If they weren’t present at conception they don’t need to be at the birth! Was your mum present when baby was conceived OP?

Unless you think your husband is going to be absolutely useless then I’d just have him
there. He’s made his feelings known, you’ve said you don’t have strong feelings either way so just stick to the 2 of you, your mum will get over it and if she doesn’t then that’s her issue not your issue.

It was just me and my husband (and an operating room full of people - emergency then planned c-sections) when our boys were born but it lovely just to have those moments with just the 3 of us when they were born without having anyone else involved.

What a strange argument.

I don’t know what kind of sex you’ve had but the conception of both of my children was a stress free, pain free, pleasurable experience. I certainly didn’t need any support then!

I think you’re missing my point.

this is a new family unit being created, they won’t get much time as a 3 due to the inevitable frequent visitors, let them share their first special moments as a unit, mums mum not needed

They'd be statistically wrong

No, you’re missing the point.

Your birthing partners are exactly that- the people who support you through the absolute good, bad, ugly that is childbirth. Whoever you need to support you through that is who should be there, not who was there when you had sex, and it’s not about the “new family unit”.

Childbirth is brutal, have whoever you need there to support YOU through it. You can still be left alone for your special first moments as a new family but for the sometimes days of agonising labour that comes before that- have the support you need whoever that comes from.

As a male I will respect that i have less rights to have string views here than females.

BUT, if my mother in law had been there at the birth of our kids I’d have been very unhappy. Luckily my wife is a grown adult who has the same view.

if you need your mum over the dad at birth then something is wrong in terms of the dad in my opinion.

Who said you need mum over dad?

You’re absolutely allowed 2 birthing partners :)

And once again, no vagina, no ability to give birth = you don’t get a say on whatever a woman needs to bring new life into the world.

It’s rather entitled of your mum to even voice that opinion really. She could have offered that she’d be happy to be there for you if you’d like her to, but to make it a demand isn’t right. This is something between you and your partner. The parents of the child being birthed.
Provided your partner is caring and supportive there’s no need for you mum to be there too unless you particularly want her to be.

Lots of opinions on this :) I’ve told my mum it will be me and my husband. She is fine with this and will make her way to hospital to be nearby when my labour progresses. I don’t think having a mum there is right or wrong, ultimately it’s down to what the woman giving birth feels will support her the most/wants. Pros and cons to both scenario but I’d say now it’s probably more the norm to just have the dad to be, but it doesn’t matter what’s common, again it’s what the woman giving birth wants, and that’s what I’ve based my decision on. In my original post I said I thought I might want my mum there but this was more about me worrying about upsetting her.

I wanted my mum there for the simple fact that she’s been through it and he hasn’t. She was also there for SIL (who asked as she is NC with her own mother) and SIL said she was great. DP had no objections to my mum being there and he said it made him feel more relaxed. Second time she wasn’t there, but was on call to come if I wanted.

But if I didn’t want my mum there she wouldn’t have been annoyed or feel any way about it. I don’t think I’m going to have her there for my third to be honest, DP is a pro now.

At the end of the day it’s up to YOU there is no right or wrong way to do it. I know people who only wanted their mum in the room, that’s also absolutely fine. It’s a very personal choice and I would strongly urge you to put your feeling and your feelings alone first.

I had my mum there with us for the labour but she left the room for the delivery as she felt that part should be private. She was straight back in about 30 mins after the baby was born. Could you do this?

Second this. My dad was there for all our births through the 80’s-early 90’s!

This 👍🏼

Perhaps in some areas and in some cultures. I can’t actually find any statistics on it tbh

The norm was always to have female birth supporters. Mothers would be a very common choice.

Well I’m from Ireland and it wouldn’t be a thing here , past or present

I'm afraid it was. Men weren't even allowed in birthing rooms until the 60s. Ireland's norms would be slower to change than the UK's. Women supported women in birth.

https://www.irishtimes.com/news/health/warding-off-men-during-labour-1.775479