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Original poster

bad egg drug addicted brother wants to be here for the birth of my first born ... please help ...

165 replies

eandz · 13/05/2008 10:31

i figured i'd ask you guys.

Heres the situation: there are 4 kids in my family, me (24), my brother (20) and my two twin sisters (16). my sisters and i have always been quite good at school/responsible children...we were all class presidents (my twin sisters are president and vice president) on the honor roll you name it, we've got the certificates our parents went to ivy league schools and we were told that ivy leagues were expected of us...so i went to an ivy league, my sisters are more interested in lse/oxbridge...but our grand parents went there so our parents cant really object. (I married a guy who went to ox and it wasn't a big deal) ... so schools for my sisters don't seem like they'll be a big deal either...this is just being said so you know what kind of parents i have.

my brother on the other hand is a complete loser. Being the only boy my parents felt like he needed extra help, even made us do his school work for him because they thought his laziness was due to being a boy and that he would catch up.(he never did)...when we (the girls) were fed up with doing his school work/chores/projects my parents started to bribe him to do his own work...he got a brand new sports car the week after he destroyed the car i spent two years working for (he managed to pull out the engine out from UNDERNEATH) while he stole it during a marijuana spree with his friends...i had been studying at the time).

my sisters and i had to pay for our own cars, i had to pay for my first university degree...in fact (me and the twins) were even encouraged to leave home to learn to be independent when we turn 18...to travel between breaks and explore...

my brother barely graduated high school, has been smoking pot and doing recreational drugs since he's been 12 and says it's because he's depressed...no one understands him...no one loves him. My parents have put him in rehab a total of 7 times in the past 4 years...which is the only reason he's been kept out of jail. He was caught selling 9 yr old children pot when was 12...and now that he's 20 he hasn't even started uni especially because there is no university in the states that will take him. He tried a junior college for a bit but was expelled for cheating and lack of attendance. (the days he went in were days for exams and...he cheated on those days).

My sisters are graduating high school early (1 yr earlier than average) so they can move to London from Texas and go to Uni in the uk because my brothers habits/friends and attitude scares them. (this is completely their own choice)...

My parents (my mother is a medical doctor herself who is actually practicing and my dad is an art history phd who is a stay at home dad ) seem to think that my brother has some sort of illness and his behavior is due to 'self medication'... Although my husband and I have no problem whatsoever taking in my little sisters (the three of us are inseparable anyway) I do have a problem with my parents defending my brothers actions even though I feel like they've contributed to them by letting him be this lazy/stupid.

The real problem however is that my parents want to come for my last month of pregnancy to oversee labor, delivery and they want to stay for a few weeks after that to help me settle into being a mommy. The catch is, that they would bring my brother (who because of his excessive drug use-- not only needs 24 hour supervision but also is violent when he doesn't get things he wants) and they want him to participate in this family process because they say 'it might straighten him out'...

when i told them that this would be overwhelming, unnecessary and intrusive they got defensive...when i told them the truth about how much i don't want my brother around myself, my child or my husband my dad flipped out.

my brother is an incredibly destructive and very manipulative...and my folks don't seem to want to take 'no' for an answer.

OP posts:
FrannyandZooey · 13/05/2008 19:56

"I've never had control issues with my parents before....the only thing i didn't have much choice in was which uni i went to..."

erm...that isn't really normal, to not be able to choose your own university

I suspect you have done such a good job of following all their expectations and plans for you that you have never noticed their subtle and not so subtle manipulations before

I suspect becoming a mother is going to bring up HUGE issues for you from your own childhood - just from experience and from speaking to other mothers who have, erm, 'interesting' parents

good luck with it all
I would start keeping an ear out for good therapists right now tbh

AitchTwoCiao · 13/05/2008 19:59

you are a grown woman who won't tell her own parents where she lives... excuuuuuuse me if i think that they have given you some ishoos. good luck with the baby, it'll be lovely having that time to your new (functional) family.

Original poster
eandz · 13/05/2008 20:11

actually the part of texas i'm from a lot of the parents put a lot of pressure on where their children attend university...in fact a lot of the people i've met here their parents have decided that if a certain school grants an offer their child will go to that school...so i don't really find it that unusual/abnormal.

theres an expat american therapist i've spoken to here who seems to think maybe they'll realize the impact of the situation they're in once they see my sisters leave and they'll have the house completely to themselves and my little brother.

as for now, i think my main concern has been addressed.

OP posts:
FrannyandZooey · 13/05/2008 20:22

yes i see what you mean about it being relatively normal there
it is the whole picture though

it is my opinion that they will NEVER realise what they have done - they don't have to
you really should though so that you can avoid repeating the same patterns in your own family
agree it will be wonderful for you to be assertive with them and find some freedom with your new arrival!

good luck, you have lots of time to sort out some of these problems before the baby arrives
your inlaws sound the business also

Original poster
eandz · 13/05/2008 20:28

thing is, they were normal parents towards me and the girls... my brother though, it was a different story.

it felt like we had a handicapped sibling while we were growing up, if that makes sense...other than the fact that we think they've made every mistake possible with our brother...at this point i just hope we don't make the same mistakes my parents made...and that seems pretty feasible.

are there books on this sort of thing that anyone can suggest?

OP posts:
artichokes · 13/05/2008 20:33

This is clearly a piss take.
I cannot beleive how many people have failed to question it. The story is riddled with inconsistencies.
Dramatic details are thrown in at clear intervals to keep us hooked.
The characters are way over blown.
The very bright OP, who spent so long telling us about her glittering education has bad grammer and punctuation.
Come on guys.

AitchTwoCiao · 13/05/2008 20:34

oh artichokes... you mis-spelled grammar. YOU TROLL! (i must say the six-fingered kid made me )

artichokes · 13/05/2008 20:35

But Aitch, I don't claim to be anything but an illiterate dunce.

TarkaLiotta · 13/05/2008 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WideWebWitch · 13/05/2008 20:36

Blimey some good advice here, good for you for telling them they can't come over.

AitchTwoCiao · 13/05/2008 20:37

lol at tarkaliotta. great name.

how's that handbag, 'chokesy?

WideWebWitch · 13/05/2008 20:37

Oh so is this a wind up? How irritating.

FrannyandZooey · 13/05/2008 20:37

It is dreadfully presumptuous of us to say what we think about your childhood, eandz, but you did post here for opinions...

everyone thinks their own childhood is normal...until they realise that perhaps, well, actually, maybe it really wasn't

the way you have described your parents behaving towards you as an adult is REALLY ABSOLUTELY NOT NORMAL AT ALL
even if you are from Texas and that's how they do it there
really, truly, it is not the kind of relationship most adults have with their parents by a long shot
so I do find it very hard to believe that the way they treated you in your childhood was healthy

as I say, apologies for the presumption
but that's honestly my opinion and also that of many others on the thread I believe

artichokes · 13/05/2008 20:38

Its really grown on me Aitch. I now worship it (so much that I am a bit scared to use it...).

FrannyandZooey · 13/05/2008 20:39

I don't think this is a wind up, personally
anyway it has made me and
it's been an interesting one for sure

AitchTwoCiao · 13/05/2008 20:39

no no NO. it needs scuffing. injure that bag.

AitchTwoCiao · 13/05/2008 20:41

i don't know whether it is or isn't, tbh, and i never much care. but what the OP actually wrote about the child with six fingers is so odd that she is either imo more screwed-up than she thinks or a troll. either way, pretty sad.

yurt1 · 13/05/2008 20:49

Agree with artichokes. I was giving benefit of the doubt until I got to the 6th finger and the expat American therapist.

artichokes · 13/05/2008 20:50

It is! Lets gor with the easiet evidence - the timings.

OP claims that she posted this morning after a phone call with her parents (who got up early to call her). She posted at 10.30am, that is 4.30am Texas time. They must have got up at like 3.30am to have that whole long conversation and give her time to get off the phone and compose that mammoth post.

At 12.57 the OP states she she just spoken to her parents who are threatening to call her DH. 13 mins later her parents have called her DH and had it out with him, he has stood up to them and had time to finsih the call and call the OP to talk about the call, in the same 13 mins she had time to digest what he said and write a post about it.

Its nice that her parents have her DH's work number, and his parent's number, but not their own daughter's address.

zippitippitoes · 13/05/2008 20:53

i am having major culture shock reading this thread

zippitippitoes · 13/05/2008 20:54

i did larf at the droll rendering of the paint ball incident tbh

but then my sense of humour is reprehensible

FrannyandZooey · 13/05/2008 21:07

LOL I can believe the OP's parents were up at 3.30 am

it all fits

Original poster
eandz · 13/05/2008 21:10

yeah actually my parents do stay up late/wake up early on certain mornings to make sure they have at least one conversation with me a week.

OP posts:
RosaLuxembourg · 13/05/2008 21:15

Don't see why you think eandz is a troll, Artichokes, she has posted consistently over the past couple of months.

doggiesayswoof · 13/05/2008 21:19

Getting up at weird times to make transatlantic calls is normal for some.... this detail does not make OP a troll

I used to administer US student loans at a university (in UK) and I had many a phone call from woozy fathers who had set their alarms and got up at 3/4am so they could call the office at 9am our time.

Not sure why they didn't just phone at 2pm, but lots of them did this.