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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

bad egg drug addicted brother wants to be here for the birth of my first born ... please help ...

165 replies

eandz · 13/05/2008 10:31

i figured i'd ask you guys.

Heres the situation: there are 4 kids in my family, me (24), my brother (20) and my two twin sisters (16). my sisters and i have always been quite good at school/responsible children...we were all class presidents (my twin sisters are president and vice president) on the honor roll you name it, we've got the certificates our parents went to ivy league schools and we were told that ivy leagues were expected of us...so i went to an ivy league, my sisters are more interested in lse/oxbridge...but our grand parents went there so our parents cant really object. (I married a guy who went to ox and it wasn't a big deal) ... so schools for my sisters don't seem like they'll be a big deal either...this is just being said so you know what kind of parents i have.

my brother on the other hand is a complete loser. Being the only boy my parents felt like he needed extra help, even made us do his school work for him because they thought his laziness was due to being a boy and that he would catch up.(he never did)...when we (the girls) were fed up with doing his school work/chores/projects my parents started to bribe him to do his own work...he got a brand new sports car the week after he destroyed the car i spent two years working for (he managed to pull out the engine out from UNDERNEATH) while he stole it during a marijuana spree with his friends...i had been studying at the time).

my sisters and i had to pay for our own cars, i had to pay for my first university degree...in fact (me and the twins) were even encouraged to leave home to learn to be independent when we turn 18...to travel between breaks and explore...

my brother barely graduated high school, has been smoking pot and doing recreational drugs since he's been 12 and says it's because he's depressed...no one understands him...no one loves him. My parents have put him in rehab a total of 7 times in the past 4 years...which is the only reason he's been kept out of jail. He was caught selling 9 yr old children pot when was 12...and now that he's 20 he hasn't even started uni especially because there is no university in the states that will take him. He tried a junior college for a bit but was expelled for cheating and lack of attendance. (the days he went in were days for exams and...he cheated on those days).

My sisters are graduating high school early (1 yr earlier than average) so they can move to London from Texas and go to Uni in the uk because my brothers habits/friends and attitude scares them. (this is completely their own choice)...

My parents (my mother is a medical doctor herself who is actually practicing and my dad is an art history phd who is a stay at home dad ) seem to think that my brother has some sort of illness and his behavior is due to 'self medication'... Although my husband and I have no problem whatsoever taking in my little sisters (the three of us are inseparable anyway) I do have a problem with my parents defending my brothers actions even though I feel like they've contributed to them by letting him be this lazy/stupid.

The real problem however is that my parents want to come for my last month of pregnancy to oversee labor, delivery and they want to stay for a few weeks after that to help me settle into being a mommy. The catch is, that they would bring my brother (who because of his excessive drug use-- not only needs 24 hour supervision but also is violent when he doesn't get things he wants) and they want him to participate in this family process because they say 'it might straighten him out'...

when i told them that this would be overwhelming, unnecessary and intrusive they got defensive...when i told them the truth about how much i don't want my brother around myself, my child or my husband my dad flipped out.

my brother is an incredibly destructive and very manipulative...and my folks don't seem to want to take 'no' for an answer.

OP posts:
chuggabopps · 13/05/2008 11:33

am i missing something- you think he should be grounded when he is a 20 year old man?

Original poster
eandz · 13/05/2008 11:34

? or perhaps changing my due date?

I've been unclear about my due date specifically because I didn't want visitors around that time...I could say the baby is due in October (actually due in September) instead. I was planning the christening to be in October anyway and since my house would be too full and I could pretend to be busy with last minute preparations I could just not spend time with them and have them sent off to stay at a relatives house without being overtly rude.

but this plan is little too passive aggressive for my taste...but do you think it could work?

OP posts:
Enid · 13/05/2008 11:35

no no no

you have to be strong and say don't cmoe

and dont come and sit outside my door either

I dont want you here

Original poster
eandz · 13/05/2008 11:37

i think they should have grounded him when he was 12. they've been looking the other way with my brother since forever. i'm just venting frustration over his discipline since he never was.

sorry, all of this family stuff is like 2 hours old (they wake up early on Tuesdays to call me)so theres a lot of anger in my writing. forgive me.

OP posts:
Enid · 13/05/2008 11:39

well whatever eandz

they are his parents

not you

get on with your own life and that of your dh and child to be

WinkyWinkola · 13/05/2008 11:40

Just say no. Have the birth you want.

Your brother sounds like a nightmare and your parents are a walkover. Just because they are doesn't mean you have to be too.

In fact, your brother sounds like he's done so much damage to your family already. It won't end until they stop bailing him out and he has to take responsibility for himself.

Don't you start condoning his ways by allowing this destructive, selfish person into your world with your new baby. YOu need to protect yourself, your DH and your child from people like that, brother or no brother.

JulesJules · 13/05/2008 11:40

Oh fgs woman!!

Do not start lying about your due date. Just stand up to them. This is your baby, not theirs, do not let them dictate to you. You should make it perfectly clear they cannot come and stay, and they cannot come and camp in your hallway, ffs...

choosyfloosy · 13/05/2008 11:41

You don't need us to forgive you - you don't know us and you haven't hurt us.

Don't forget that you can tell the hospital exactly who to let in and who not to let in. Why not have a chat with them about visiting and how long you are likely to be staying?

If your brother wasn't coming, would you love to have your mum and dad there? how about your dh? maybe take him out of the equation and work it out between you?

I'd agree it would be a lot simpler in the long run if you can just say to your parents exactly what you and your dh would really like to happen. Then either they can fall in with that, or not; they may come up with a compromise that you are willing to go along with, or not.

I'd also agree family counselling might not be a bad idea, but not now!

choosyfloosy · 13/05/2008 11:42

(sorry when I say 'take him out of the equation' I meant your db, not your dh!)

Enid · 13/05/2008 11:42

I think your dh should tell them that you dont want them to come

mine would

Enid · 13/05/2008 11:42

then they cant bully you

jingleyjen · 13/05/2008 11:42

NO
you have a family of your own to be concerned about. You do what is right for you your DH and your baby, your family will sort themselves out.
But if you don't tell them what you WANT they will never know. I am assuming they aren't psychic.
thanks for the offer.
we would love you to see the baby soon after the birth but will not need any extra support during the end of the pregnancy nor during the birth.
Full stop!
No ifs or buts or maybes
you have to be firm.

PortAndLemon · 13/05/2008 11:43

Look on this as practice for dealing firmly with unreasonable toddler demands and tantrums...

bran · 13/05/2008 11:46

I reckon the reason your DB gets away with so much is that he just doesn't care about your DPs getting dramatic.

It sounds really like toddler tantrum behaviour to me, which is very sad from people who ought to be mature adults. If you go against your parents they will cause a scene and embarass you (phone your PILs/turn up at your door/threaten to never talk to you again) because they know you will do anything to avoid that. It's always worked for them in the past. But you wouldn't buy a toddler a toy because he's having a tantrum, in fact even if you had intended to buy a toy you would put it off so that he doesn't associate having a tantrum with getting his own way.

If you could develop a thicker skin it might help. Keep saying "It's your choice to do xxx, I'm not in a position to fix your life for you". You are not responsible for their actions. It's not your fault if they contact your in laws. It's none of your business if they turn up with nowhere to stay. Don't try to broker solutions, just say how you want it to be and be non-reactive to whatever they try.

chuggabopps · 13/05/2008 11:47

fair enough when he was 12- but it sounds like they aren't exactly treating him like an adult now. Maybe there is a compromise that could actually help all of you- requiring him to be in the states coping as a grown up when they come for the christening? then maybe inviting him as a guest for a very limited time say a week some time next year when you will be in a better position to spend time with him.

beaniesteve · 13/05/2008 11:47

I think it's too passive aggressive to change your due date. How would you handle dealing with having to tell them that you'd already had the baby when they do arrive?

I think you should tell them that you are quite happy for them to come a couple of weeks after the birth but that they must stay in a hotel and that they must find other things to do when they are over. Also tell them you do not want your brother to be there.

Enid · 13/05/2008 11:50

they want to get their hands oun your dc

they want to start moulding him or her as well

LookingForwardToSummer · 13/05/2008 11:56

Poor you, what a horrible situation. but i agree with the other posters - you've got to say no. could you talk to your mother instead of your father? A letter sounds like a good idea, so you can be sure that you say what you mean without getting flustered. pre-warning in-laws sounds a good idea too.
Good luck.

LookingForwardToSummer · 13/05/2008 12:00

i don't think you should worry too much about upseting your parents - they have been upseting you and it might give them the shock that they need.

Original poster
eandz · 13/05/2008 12:06

Enid,

actually thats one reason I don't want to raise my son in the states...since my my mother will be retiring soon I think she's going to want to spend all her time with my kids. So I plan on raising them here in London.

And my dad doesn't like to be away from mom for long periods of time (they are freakishly in love for such old people)...but i guess it's a good thing. its just that my dad is attached to my brother at the hip because of a supervision court order. my brother will go to jail if my dad leaves him alone for more than 2 hours. I don't know the details of it or if thats even the right name for it...but it's pretty restrictive and serious.

OP posts:
Original poster
eandz · 13/05/2008 12:08

OH! my mother is wondering what kind of influence her son will have on my infant? and why I would be so jealous of her son when he's sick. as she says "it's not his fault, he's ill".

OP posts:
chuggabopps · 13/05/2008 12:12

if your brother has a supervision court order do you think he is allowed to leave the country? not trying to judge you here- just trying to understand why he needs to be with the parents so much.

Original poster
eandz · 13/05/2008 12:13

and my parents are snobby when it comes to places to live. They don't understand why I would live in London if I'm an American. So they would only come to London for one thing...to see their grandchild.

(They've refused the idea of visiting London since I moved here...and then they came up with the idea of visiting this morning).

OP posts:
Original poster
eandz · 13/05/2008 12:19

He's allowed to leave the country as long as my dad is with him at all times...but that order doesn't matter when he's here in the uk. Just when he's in the us.

OP posts:
ninedragons · 13/05/2008 12:19

In the immortal words of Nancy Reagan, just say no.