bad egg drug addicted brother wants to be here for the birth of my first born ... please help ...

[eandz]

i figured i'd ask you guys.

Heres the situation: there are 4 kids in my family, me (24), my brother (20) and my two twin sisters (16). my sisters and i have always been quite good at school/responsible children...we were all class presidents (my twin sisters are president and vice president) on the honor roll you name it, we've got the certificates our parents went to ivy league schools and we were told that ivy leagues were expected of us...so i went to an ivy league, my sisters are more interested in lse/oxbridge...but our grand parents went there so our parents cant really object. (I married a guy who went to ox and it wasn't a big deal) ... so schools for my sisters don't seem like they'll be a big deal either...this is just being said so you know what kind of parents i have.

my brother on the other hand is a complete loser. Being the only boy my parents felt like he needed extra help, even made us do his school work for him because they thought his laziness was due to being a boy and that he would catch up.(he never did)...when we (the girls) were fed up with doing his school work/chores/projects my parents started to bribe him to do his own work...he got a brand new sports car the week after he destroyed the car i spent two years working for (he managed to pull out the engine out from UNDERNEATH) while he stole it during a marijuana spree with his friends...i had been studying at the time).

my sisters and i had to pay for our own cars, i had to pay for my first university degree...in fact (me and the twins) were even encouraged to leave home to learn to be independent when we turn 18...to travel between breaks and explore...

my brother barely graduated high school, has been smoking pot and doing recreational drugs since he's been 12 and says it's because he's depressed...no one understands him...no one loves him. My parents have put him in rehab a total of 7 times in the past 4 years...which is the only reason he's been kept out of jail. He was caught selling 9 yr old children pot when was 12...and now that he's 20 he hasn't even started uni especially because there is no university in the states that will take him. He tried a junior college for a bit but was expelled for cheating and lack of attendance. (the days he went in were days for exams and...he cheated on those days).

My sisters are graduating high school early (1 yr earlier than average) so they can move to London from Texas and go to Uni in the uk because my brothers habits/friends and attitude scares them. (this is completely their own choice)...

My parents (my mother is a medical doctor herself who is actually practicing and my dad is an art history phd who is a stay at home dad ) seem to think that my brother has some sort of illness and his behavior is due to 'self medication'... Although my husband and I have no problem whatsoever taking in my little sisters (the three of us are inseparable anyway) I do have a problem with my parents defending my brothers actions even though I feel like they've contributed to them by letting him be this lazy/stupid.

The real problem however is that my parents want to come for my last month of pregnancy to oversee labor, delivery and they want to stay for a few weeks after that to help me settle into being a mommy. The catch is, that they would bring my brother (who because of his excessive drug use-- not only needs 24 hour supervision but also is violent when he doesn't get things he wants) and they want him to participate in this family process because they say 'it might straighten him out'...

when i told them that this would be overwhelming, unnecessary and intrusive they got defensive...when i told them the truth about how much i don't want my brother around myself, my child or my husband my dad flipped out.

my brother is an incredibly destructive and very manipulative...and my folks don't seem to want to take 'no' for an answer.

Tell them you will soon have a child and don't need another one around (ie your brother) and also your MIL sounds like a star!

x-posted with prettybird- agree with everything and you put it so much better!

gosh

EandZ- well done for sticking up for yourself this far- you may well have some more to do- but you have made the start, and from what you say your mil and dh are on your side and trying to help, but as they are your parents they can only do so much.

Your brother may need co his own age but these are men- not boys- and your parents need to recognise this. Video games and pizza money? they are treating him like hes 12, and so its no wonder that he's frustrated with his lot, he isn't being allowed any responsibility.

OMG!! Cant believe people like your parents exist?? Just thank your lucky stars that you've moved far enough away to ensure that your child is not going to be influenced by them!!
If they're causing this amount of stress now just imagine what its going to be like after the baby is born!!! I wouldnt have them anywhere near me or my baby. You wont be doing anything right or to their standard! They'l ruin what should be a really happy time.
Do not let them bully you!!! If they do come without their beloved son, make sure they stay in a hotel!
Good luck!

i think my dad is really just depressed and angry about it all...i won't make excuses for him but i know he's not happy about having to supervise my brother 24 hours a day. who in the world would want to do that when your close to retirement and can finally have your wife all to yourself? i feel terrible for my parents that instead of being able to enjoy these years with each other they'll still have their drug addict son to have to support. my parents wanted to travel and have a life after raising 4 kids...

the fact that he's being disrespectful towards me is really troubling...incredibly so, but then again it sounds like he's just grasping for straws. He's out of authority with everyone. So is my mom. I know I mention my dad mostly but my parents do things as a team. It's just that since my mom works she brings home the bacon so to speak and since she does that she can literally escape whenever she needs a break. My dad on the other hand never gets a chance.

am sure he is angry and depressed but surely any parental responsibility ceased when your bro hit adulthood, and the fact that he agreed to the additional court order supervision to keep him out of jail was his choice. Surely he could have refused the supervision? not and easy choice granted but still a choice.

your parents don't have to support your brother. he is an adult, and needs to be given a big kick in the butt. so he doesnt go to uni- there are still jobs for him if he NEEDS them. whcih he won't until they pay for his every need, including drugs and drinks (ffs!!). it seems to me that all his life he's been told he can get away with things, so he knows no other way- this is your parents' fault, not his own.

you obviously love your parents- and you are pained by the whole thing. but they have made choices and continue to make them and this includes your brother- their way of dealing with your brother is not the only way. you need to be able to distance yoursefl from it all and focus on your own family.

my brother likes the fact that he doesn't have to get a job, that he doesn't have to do uni. he enjoys the fact that he can live in a big house with a housekeeper and pool...he likes the ability to be able to have anyone he wants over and to do as he pleases.

since he's in the house my dad doesn't freak out too much so my brother lives the life of a constant party. during the day time he's got his friends who come play video games and at night he has girls come by which my parents don't approve of but don't really know what to say...my dad is afraid of emasculating his son.

my dad sometimes feels emasculated since he decided to be a stay at home dad and his wife funded the living.

How long does this supervision order last for? it sounds like a sentence on your father rather than you brother, as your father is the one being constrained by it. But - and a bif BUT - he was the one that chose to take it on. It might have been a more courageous - and even loving - thing to say to your brother, sorry - you've got to learn to take the consequences.

But that is sidtracking from the main issue.

Remember: Your baby, your pregnancy, your husband, your (new) family, your choice. And they need to learn that. They've made their choices - you've made yours.

I love what your MIL said to them!

yeah, i know i'll have to keep a distance from them.

like franny says... Gosh.

eandz, me and dh had to go and stay with my mum after dd was born because she came a bit early and there were still builders in our flat. (ggggr, another story). she made a point of leaving us alone in the house during the day because she said it was 'our' time to be a family. she said her own mother had done the same for her and my dad, offered them support but given them space.

i'm amazed at the controlling attitudes of your folks, tbh, it makes me feel somewhat sorry for your brother. imagine being the golden boy and knowing it was worthless. he sounds like a little sod, but they've made him the way he is, and you the way you are, where you've run half-way round the world to get away.

would it be easier to say to them that you will go and spend some time in the states a few months after the baby is born? that way you can introduce the baby to all of their friends but it will have a definite time limit.

oh, and if they do meet up, be prepared for your brother to love your baby a lot. he might , you know. my wee bro had a baby last year and i was really overwhelmed with how strongly protective i felt for his dd.

maybe it's because i don't know any better but ever since i've known my brother and i've known him for a long time, he's not the type of person who can be trusted with kids...or small animals.

he shot the neighbors kid with a paint ball gun at close range because the kid had an extra finger. the kid wasn't seriously hurt but it was a kid. i think 7 or 8 yrs old. i just don't feel safe even thinking about him and my kids in the same room...heck even in the same city.

granted the kid had a creepy 6th finger but it's no reason to shoot him.

What age was he when he did that!

My god - I thought my parents were bad...its no wonder your brother ended up in a mess if half of this is true.

Having said that you are now a married woman living on the other side of the world and about to take on the responsibility of your first child. What in god's name gives your parents the impression that they are entitled to demand control over your child's birth?

Act like the independant intelligent woman you obviously are and write them a letter, as nice as you like, explaining that while their offer of assistance is very kindly met you do not need their intervention and will let them know when it is a good time to visit. You might also take the opportunity to write to your brother and tell him to get the hell out from your controlling parents domain and sort himself out.

"granted the kid had a creepy 6th finger but it's no reason to shoot him" are you sure this is for real, eandz?

Why would her brother want to do that? At the moment he is a happy as a Pig in shit! A dad who has effectviely taken the rap for his own misdemeanor, a house, money and car to play with, and people who look after him. Why would he leave?

I think you certainly need to stand up to them now or they will try and control you for the rest of your life. My mum is fairly controlling and its only since I told her to f**k off and stay out my life that she has started being nicer. I think I scared her that I would cut her out of my life if she didn't.

There is nothing wrong with telling them that you don't want them there for that length of time. Most people wouldn't want their parents there - never mind your brother as well. And certainly not at the actual birth - do you mean i nthe actual room, staring at your fanjo while the head is crowning???????? Are they expecting to be at the bottom of the bed munching popcorn?

If you don't want any of them at your place for that length of time then I think you need to emphasise that you and your dh are looking forward to spending some quality time as a couple before becoming a family. Its oing to be the last chance ever that its just the 2 of you - a precious time. Equally so when your child is born - I think its nice to have time you and your dh bonding with your baby. Some people may want their mum, dad their to help out after the birth. If you do then thats fine, but it has to be you that wants it and on your terms. That means you decide how long they come for and who comes.

Your brother sounds like he needs to be in rehab. Maybe he'd be daft enough to bring drugs into the UK with him and he might be arrested? I think I'd be tempted tip customs off!

Holy cow eandz if we had known about this when you were considering where to have the baby, there is no way that I would have told you that it would be OK to have the baby in the US! Especially as then your Mum would have had even more control and she was going to choose your OB.

I'm really glad that you're standing up to them. Seriously, they are really screwed up, and they are not thinking about you, your DH or your baby (as you know). And they are the only people that count at the moment. Actually, even your DH comes down the list, you and your baby are top priority.

I know that it's much more common to have family at the birth in the US (a friend of mine in the States just sent me her birth photos and her Mum and MIL were in them). There is no way that that can happen. You have done everything right, and I would also get in touch with the hospital and midwives and let them know that no-one is allowed in. If they turn up unexpectedly, don't see them. Screen your calls. They have taken over your life for too long, and now is a really good time to stop.

To be fair, I've never had control issues with my parents before. I've always been able to come and go as I wanted (if i stayed within curfew) ... i was allowed to date whomever i wanted, go on trips without them as long as i behaved... the only thing i didn't have much choice in was which uni i went to...

genetic mutations are very much a reality.

the kids father has an extra toe so i think it's genetic. (we also think their parents might be cousins)... my brother shot the kid with the extra finger a couple months ago. apparently the kid had been trying to touch my brother with his extra finger because he knew my brother found it 'gross'.

the thing is, the kid was like 7/8 and i don't think my brother should have gotten that violent. it was a paintball gun, those things hurt!!!

You don't even have to mention your brother when discussing this with your parents, he's not even the issue. Setting the precedent for your parents not controlling your new family is the most important thing here. If that means they have childish tantrums or refuse to speak to you for a while, that's their problem. If you think they really never will speak to you again then you need to go see a therapist and learn to live with that. Pretty sure any therapist would agree they sound fairly toxic and that you need to take charge of your own life.

Not wanting them at the birth is a perfectly reasonable request, let alone not wanting your home invaded just before or after it. You have no idea how you will be feeling/coping a month after your baby comes, please don't make promises about putting anyone up or book a christening yet. "When you are ready" is the key phrase.

well i've sorted my folks out so far. they know it's not going to happen with my approval. the only people who have my address are my little sisters, and inlaws and my friends in london so i'm pretty sure no one will give out my address, my aunt who also lives in London (on my mothers side has heard all about this and agrees with me, so she won't be giving out my address either.) so now i'm pretty confident that my folks wont be a problem.

i feel like this could have been handled better somehow but, telling them straight out, and being reinforced by everyone they tried to bypass me with makes things more final and sturdy. and i feel content with the situation now. (thank you all!!!)

my parents aren't completely awful they just have a son who is out of control and they feel like they are missing out on the rest of their children's lives. (which they are, but at this point can't be helped since they can't really do anything about their son and refuse to see things realistically.)

Gosh, haven't read all the posts but, to summarise, you have to keep your address secret from your parents in case they turn up on your doorstep with your violent addict brother and want to see you give birth?!

It's all rather out of my frame of reference but best of luck with it all!!

Bloody Nora EandZ it's like a crazy version of the Royal Tennenbaums, only not funny.
I feel sorry for your brother. He sounds completely lost.

Well done your MIL.
And well done you for growing some.

This is SO important for you, your dh, and your soon to be dc. Best get the ground rules laid out now. ANYONE who is not supportive, loving, and helpful, can butt out of your life, relatives or not.

They have contributed greatly to your brother's condition and are continuing to enable it, their own grown daughter is in hiding from them because they won't listen - they sound pretty awful to me!
You were both raised by the same people, is it not possible that you and your sisters might not have escaped unscathed? Well done for standing your ground and start as you mean to go on, but I do recommend some therapy one day!