bad egg drug addicted brother wants to be here for the birth of my first born ... please help ...

[eandz]

i figured i'd ask you guys.

Heres the situation: there are 4 kids in my family, me (24), my brother (20) and my two twin sisters (16). my sisters and i have always been quite good at school/responsible children...we were all class presidents (my twin sisters are president and vice president) on the honor roll you name it, we've got the certificates our parents went to ivy league schools and we were told that ivy leagues were expected of us...so i went to an ivy league, my sisters are more interested in lse/oxbridge...but our grand parents went there so our parents cant really object. (I married a guy who went to ox and it wasn't a big deal) ... so schools for my sisters don't seem like they'll be a big deal either...this is just being said so you know what kind of parents i have.

my brother on the other hand is a complete loser. Being the only boy my parents felt like he needed extra help, even made us do his school work for him because they thought his laziness was due to being a boy and that he would catch up.(he never did)...when we (the girls) were fed up with doing his school work/chores/projects my parents started to bribe him to do his own work...he got a brand new sports car the week after he destroyed the car i spent two years working for (he managed to pull out the engine out from UNDERNEATH) while he stole it during a marijuana spree with his friends...i had been studying at the time).

my sisters and i had to pay for our own cars, i had to pay for my first university degree...in fact (me and the twins) were even encouraged to leave home to learn to be independent when we turn 18...to travel between breaks and explore...

my brother barely graduated high school, has been smoking pot and doing recreational drugs since he's been 12 and says it's because he's depressed...no one understands him...no one loves him. My parents have put him in rehab a total of 7 times in the past 4 years...which is the only reason he's been kept out of jail. He was caught selling 9 yr old children pot when was 12...and now that he's 20 he hasn't even started uni especially because there is no university in the states that will take him. He tried a junior college for a bit but was expelled for cheating and lack of attendance. (the days he went in were days for exams and...he cheated on those days).

My sisters are graduating high school early (1 yr earlier than average) so they can move to London from Texas and go to Uni in the uk because my brothers habits/friends and attitude scares them. (this is completely their own choice)...

My parents (my mother is a medical doctor herself who is actually practicing and my dad is an art history phd who is a stay at home dad ) seem to think that my brother has some sort of illness and his behavior is due to 'self medication'... Although my husband and I have no problem whatsoever taking in my little sisters (the three of us are inseparable anyway) I do have a problem with my parents defending my brothers actions even though I feel like they've contributed to them by letting him be this lazy/stupid.

The real problem however is that my parents want to come for my last month of pregnancy to oversee labor, delivery and they want to stay for a few weeks after that to help me settle into being a mommy. The catch is, that they would bring my brother (who because of his excessive drug use-- not only needs 24 hour supervision but also is violent when he doesn't get things he wants) and they want him to participate in this family process because they say 'it might straighten him out'...

when i told them that this would be overwhelming, unnecessary and intrusive they got defensive...when i told them the truth about how much i don't want my brother around myself, my child or my husband my dad flipped out.

my brother is an incredibly destructive and very manipulative...and my folks don't seem to want to take 'no' for an answer.

"So I'm actually looking for a way to resolve the issue and still be on good terms with my parents".

If you truly think they will still turn up at your house after you have asked them not to, you may have to face the fact that there may not be a way to resolve the issue in a way that makes you happy, and still be on good terms with your parents.

It will be hard to stand up to them, but they do sound very dismissive of your wants and needs, and I think you may just have to bite the bullet and get the conversation over with.

They may be incredibly determined, but that does not negate the fact that the wishes of you and your husband are more important than their own in this instance.

Maybe you should write to them, making it clear that you love them, and want them to be involved with their grandchild, but also clearly stating your wishes.

That way there can be no denying that you told them exactly what you want.

i only mentioned the schooling to exemplify the pressures we are under to fit the mold they've specified...and the fact that my brother was excluded from those pressures.

also because the entire family seems to make it a big deal. Not going to uni has never been an option for anyone except my brother...who doesn't have any mental defects except the ones he's caused himself.

my dad is really stubborn and is saying that if him and my mom can't come for the birth of their first grand child then they would rather never speak to us again.

*my dad is a bit over emotional since my sisters made the decision to leave the country at the end of next year.

I'm beginning to see why you and your sisters have left/are leaving the country, and possibly even why your db 'self-medicates'.

Are your dh's parents reasonable. If your dps do phone them all they have to politely say (if they are prewarned) is that it's not their business to get involved, and keep saying it if necessary.

If your mother is already antagonistic about the UK medical system I really doubt that her being around it going to do anything except make the whole birth a bit tenser than it has to be.

Just keep saying "No" until they listen. I'm not sure what you can do if they just turn up, except make it clear that they will not be staying with you, and they will not be bringing your db to your house. You are not obliged to open the door to anyone if you don't want to.

It sounds to me like your parents have very high expectations of you all, and that perhaps your brother has not wanted to dutifully follow the path you all did. Not saying he's made the right choices as obviously your parents are now very much in control of his life and he seems to have severe problems.

Why on earth would they think it is acceptable to bring him?

"my dad is really stubborn and is saying that if him and my mom can't come for the birth of their first grand child then they would rather never speak to us again".

The silly man has made his bed.
Let him lie in it.
If your mother has any sense, she will tell him what a complete arse he is being.

I am now.
What kind of loving father heaps that sort of emotional shit on their pregnant daughter.

Twat!

Spot on Laurie. I am 14 years in recovery and completely recognise what she is saying.

Also, you are about to become a mum and this changes things. Your job will be to put the needs of your family first, not keep playing out the dynamic your parents have set up.

Do you want them there? No? Then tell them at this time of your life - especailly at this time in your life - your priority is your baby, you and your husband. It is not your reposnsiblity to "straighten your brother out" and as your parents, they should respect that and if not, well.....

lauriefairycake and Humphrey are right.

This is only the start - it's a good time to get some ground rules straight, otherwise they are likely to carry on being just as controlling wrt your child's upbringing.

No doubt they have good intentions but this intensity doesn't sound helpful tbh

your parents MUST NOT stay with you .. if they come they stay in a hotel

they MUST NOT be around you at the birth and the few days after whilst you get used to being a family unit (assume this is first child) unless you have a deep yearning for them to be there

this is YOUR FAMILY UNIT .. this is not your parent's thing .. it is yours and DH ....

get some cojones and stick up for yourself .. all I hear is whinging 'they're taking over' .. don't let them! you are an adult .. get some backbone

you say this to your father "you must always know that I love you and respect you and when you change your mind and want to be part of your first grandchild's life I will welcome you with open arms .. but this is my birth and not yours and this is what WE want"

'my dad is really stubborn and is saying that if him and my mom can't come for the birth of their first grand child then they would rather never speak to us again.'

I x-posted with this - my god, if my dad had said this to me then it would be end of discussion for me. How awful.

Also imo it's wrong to say that your brother has not been subjected to any pressure from your parents - surely the pressure from them to go to an ivy league school and all the rest is part of the reason he is so messed up? You and your sisters have risen to the challenge; he has not.

also agree that their stifling treatment of him now is not going to help - he needs to want to help himself

"I'm just afraid that my parents might call up my husbands folks and get them to try to 'reason' with me...so i'll let them come. In the end, I know they'll still get on the plane and get to my house somehow, they are incredibly determined people...even if my husband and i say no repeatedly""

You must speak/write whatever to them and say in no uncertain circs, should they 'turn up' as THEY planned.
Tell them you do want them to be part of your life, but these are your terms and that their other childrens failings/descisions should not be taken out on you.
You are having YOUR first baby first and formost(not THIER first grandchild!), you WILL NOT accept the stress and worry of having your brother around and unfortunatly if they cant accept and respect your wishes them maybe it IS best they stay away as you are an adult and your opinions/wishes/wants should always be considered and NOT put aside permanently because your brother/sisters upset them!

Good posts Twig.

i think you urgently need to seek counselling about this whole family situation. it seems to me you are directing a lot of anger towards your brother when really you should be addressing some unresolved issues with your parents. i come from close family who can at times be intrusive and demanding so i can to a certain extent relate to what you are saying, but it sounds like your parents feel they own their children and they can dictate their choices on them- to the point of forcing you to accept their presence even if you don't want to (and i am not clear whether you want to or not).

it seems to me you have given us all this background on education etc deliberately, to give us a picture of how you ahve been a good girl and lived the life your parents set out for you whereas your "bad" brother didn't. i feel very sorry for him tbh, but i do feel sorry for you too. and the fact that your husband is somehow scared of your parents (and his?) too is also a bit alarming.

if you free yourself from the dominance of your parents you may eventually find yourself a bit more understanding towards your brother- and man, does it sound like he needs it... you know not everyone goes to harvard or oxford and we are still fine (easy for me to say, i went to LSE lol), and a lot of people do get out of drugs and teenage drifting. and a lot of people are really depressed, whcih sounds like your borhter may be on some level.

so anyway, you can't fix him, but you can fix oyur relationship with your parents- so please, please seek some help now. counselling could help so much.

PS where are you having your baby? i know J&L offer counselling as part of the package.

I have no idea why they think it would be a great idea for him to come here. I know he's been wanting to go to 'Europe' since I moved here...but I can't cope with the idea of him running through the streets of London looking for booze and pot while I'm expecting. It really stresses me out.

Ok, so I think I'll take the following approach:

I'll tell them that I don't want this to be a circus or learning experience for my brother. If he wants to sort things out he will for himself. If he doesn't thats not my problem and never will be. My husband and baby will not be an example for him to follow and that I just can't deal with them being here the last month. I'd like to have the baby on my own terms and I'd rather see my parents and sisters at the christening...

I was very hostile to my own drug-addicted brother until I began to admit how controllnig and scary my own parents could be

thats a good step..but be strong in your call/letter make them 'understand' arriving unexpected and uninvited is NOT an option.

They sound dreadful. If either were going to be present at the birth I think I'd prefer the drug-addict brother. Perhaps you could help him make a bid for freedom whilst he's here.

Your father has made his decision. I can't see there is anymore to be said. Write him a letter expressing your sorrow at his decision and saying you'd be delighted to see them when/if they change their mind after the baby is born.

Agree with ormirian

do NOT explain the whys and wherefores and second guess them

he has made his decision

Sounds like a good plan eandz. The whole thing is sad, but you must realise that your parents (esp. your father) have made it this way, not you.

I think it's a excellent idea for them to visit for the christening - in the meantime you and dh can find your own feet as parents.

Message withdrawn

I too thought the weirdest part was your mum wanting to come and oversee your labour and delivery!

Why doesn't she just pay for you to go into The Portland or some such expensive private hospital instead, if she thinks the NHS is such a risk for you. It would probably cost less than the price of a new sports car.

themoon, OP has gone private already.

If I refuse to open the door to them, they would just sit in the hallway till I opened the door to leave...I'm not sure If I'd be comfortable with having them removed...because that in my opinion is sort of horrible...I could make it clear

My dad I think doesn't want to believe his son has a problem. My brother even with his low achievements has been the golden child. He has yet to be grounded for smoking pot in the house. My sisters and I have always found that unfair...but at the same time we've been able to do things he's never going to be able to do...so it balances out. Obviously I'm annoyed with having to do everything expected of me and not seeing any personal reward for it, besides a pretty piece of paper.

It's just at this point besides saying no, what can I do?

I was thinking that maybe I could just anger them so that my parents wouldn't talk to me and then send them the christening invitation since I'd have a better chance of them not showing up.

"my dad is really stubborn and is saying that if him and my mom can't come for the birth of their first grand child then they would rather never speak to us again".

I think that actually makes things easier...

If he is bluffing, then he NEEDS to have his bluff called or this controlling behaviour will only get worse.

If he means it, then he's no loss and your child will be better off without him.

Either way, a firm restatement of your wishes and what is going to happen is the right course of action.