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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

bad egg drug addicted brother wants to be here for the birth of my first born ... please help ...

165 replies

eandz · 13/05/2008 10:31

i figured i'd ask you guys.

Heres the situation: there are 4 kids in my family, me (24), my brother (20) and my two twin sisters (16). my sisters and i have always been quite good at school/responsible children...we were all class presidents (my twin sisters are president and vice president) on the honor roll you name it, we've got the certificates our parents went to ivy league schools and we were told that ivy leagues were expected of us...so i went to an ivy league, my sisters are more interested in lse/oxbridge...but our grand parents went there so our parents cant really object. (I married a guy who went to ox and it wasn't a big deal) ... so schools for my sisters don't seem like they'll be a big deal either...this is just being said so you know what kind of parents i have.

my brother on the other hand is a complete loser. Being the only boy my parents felt like he needed extra help, even made us do his school work for him because they thought his laziness was due to being a boy and that he would catch up.(he never did)...when we (the girls) were fed up with doing his school work/chores/projects my parents started to bribe him to do his own work...he got a brand new sports car the week after he destroyed the car i spent two years working for (he managed to pull out the engine out from UNDERNEATH) while he stole it during a marijuana spree with his friends...i had been studying at the time).

my sisters and i had to pay for our own cars, i had to pay for my first university degree...in fact (me and the twins) were even encouraged to leave home to learn to be independent when we turn 18...to travel between breaks and explore...

my brother barely graduated high school, has been smoking pot and doing recreational drugs since he's been 12 and says it's because he's depressed...no one understands him...no one loves him. My parents have put him in rehab a total of 7 times in the past 4 years...which is the only reason he's been kept out of jail. He was caught selling 9 yr old children pot when was 12...and now that he's 20 he hasn't even started uni especially because there is no university in the states that will take him. He tried a junior college for a bit but was expelled for cheating and lack of attendance. (the days he went in were days for exams and...he cheated on those days).

My sisters are graduating high school early (1 yr earlier than average) so they can move to London from Texas and go to Uni in the uk because my brothers habits/friends and attitude scares them. (this is completely their own choice)...

My parents (my mother is a medical doctor herself who is actually practicing and my dad is an art history phd who is a stay at home dad ) seem to think that my brother has some sort of illness and his behavior is due to 'self medication'... Although my husband and I have no problem whatsoever taking in my little sisters (the three of us are inseparable anyway) I do have a problem with my parents defending my brothers actions even though I feel like they've contributed to them by letting him be this lazy/stupid.

The real problem however is that my parents want to come for my last month of pregnancy to oversee labor, delivery and they want to stay for a few weeks after that to help me settle into being a mommy. The catch is, that they would bring my brother (who because of his excessive drug use-- not only needs 24 hour supervision but also is violent when he doesn't get things he wants) and they want him to participate in this family process because they say 'it might straighten him out'...

when i told them that this would be overwhelming, unnecessary and intrusive they got defensive...when i told them the truth about how much i don't want my brother around myself, my child or my husband my dad flipped out.

my brother is an incredibly destructive and very manipulative...and my folks don't seem to want to take 'no' for an answer.

OP posts:

bran · 13/05/2008 12:24

If those are the terms of the court order I think there is a strong possiblity that your db will take to opportunity to run wild if he comes over to the UK. It's hardly going to be very helpful or relaxing for you if he manages to get himself in trouble with the law over here too! I'm not saying this would definitely happen, but I don't share your parents hope that simply flying across an ocean will make him a more responsible person.

Original poster

eandz · 13/05/2008 12:57

I just spoke to my parents. Both of them are incredibly upset. But we'll see what happens. They said they're going to call my husband since he's the 'reasonable' type but I got to him first and we've rehearsed what he's going to say. So I feel good, at least they know it's a joint decision.

Now it's just a matter if they actually show up anyway. I hope they don't...but my parents are capable.

OP posts:

Enid · 13/05/2008 12:58

good for you.

that was an amazing thing you have done it for your dc remember

beaniesteve · 13/05/2008 12:59

Well done. But let me get this straight... when you call tehm to tell them what you want they just attempt to bypass you and go through your husband instead?!

JosafineArmarni · 13/05/2008 13:02

im sorry eandz this is not meant as a dig at you but these people have absolutel NO respect for you at ALL..they totally disregard anything you say, dont consider your feelings and always ALWAYS put themselves and your brother first!..how dare they say theyll speak to you dp instead!..id have to put my foot down im afraid!, tell them until they accept you are an adult and start to respect your wishes they can carry out their threat to stay away, theyre the ones who'll be losing out and tell them that! for you now

rachaelsara · 13/05/2008 13:06

I've completely fallen out with my parents even though we were extremely close until the incident (long story). I haven't seen them or spoken to them for three months, which is painful, but easing with time. I have to focus on my family and be an adult.

You don't need your parents in order to be happy. You must look after your new family, I believe, at the expense of everything else.

Original poster

eandz · 13/05/2008 13:10

my parents are claiming that i have a personal agenda against my brother and that i'm singling him out of this part of my life and making him feel excluded from the family...the thing is, I am doing that...but the rest of my family feels the same way about my brother...no one mentions it. My sisters didn't even tell my parents he's the reason they're graduating early and moving to London. No one wants to tell my parents their darling son is the problem...they cant fathom anyone having a problem with him. it's kinda wacky.

husband has just called and has said that they were furious with him and think that i'm controlling him. they're threatening to call his parents.

Inlaws are now being warned by my husband.

OP posts:

Enid · 13/05/2008 13:12

you do realise that your parents are displacing onto your brother dont you

they know you are cross with them but cannot admit it

so they are trying to guilt trip you by using your brotehr

JosafineArmarni · 13/05/2008 13:14

OFGS..theyre 'going to tell his mum'!!!????..youre parents need a wake up call..everyone is afraid to tell them the truth and they are afraid of hearing it/believing it..i would 'want' them to not bother anymore TBH!(again not 'shouting' at you)..people like this(from recent experience) make me so pissed!

Buda · 13/05/2008 13:20

I would call them back and tell them that if they DARE to call your DH's parents about YOUR decision then you want nothing further to do with them. How dare they??

JulesJules · 13/05/2008 13:20

They are going to ring his parents!! FFS How old do they think he is, 6? They are being unbelievably controlling and unreasonable.

JulesJules · 13/05/2008 13:21

Yes, what Buda said.

Enid · 13/05/2008 13:22

dont call your inlaws to warn them because it doesnt matter what they say to each otehr

this is YOUR decision and you can override whatever they decide

PosieParker · 13/05/2008 13:25

If you want to give background you go ahead, it doesn't bother me. As for your parents I would say either without brother or not at all, if he's that malipulative then it's probably their fault.... well it is it reminds me of another thread where a 4 year old has everything, you give your kids too much blah blah.
You're right to insist and then when they don't come you've a right to be hurt, but they have no right to inflict your brother on to you.

JosafineArmarni · 13/05/2008 13:25

i would email/write to them NOW while you're upset and say to them this WHOLE issue is causing you much unwanted stress in the late stages(i think?) of your pregnancy and until such time as they start taking notice and litening to you then you do not want any further contact and ask if they realsie if they are jepordising YOUR health and that of your unborn baby..thier first grandchild because of their selfish son!

PosieParker · 13/05/2008 13:26

manipulative

fragola · 13/05/2008 13:28

Blimey!

The way that they're behaving is totally strange and unreasonable. I think it's really important that you stand your ground now and make them understand that you are not a child and this decision is yours and your alone, regardless of if they want to call your husband, your husbands parents, of the PM! Otherwise I think this is an indication of how they'll behave when the baby is born.

I know it's hard to stand up to people if youre not very assertive, but good luck x

beaniesteve · 13/05/2008 13:36

"my parents are claiming that i have a personal agenda against my brother and that i'm singling him out of this part of my life and making him feel excluded from the family...the thing is, I am doing that...but the rest of my family feels the same "

ok, so how long has your brother been trying to deal with his drug problems? Has he had any success? Can you cite any recent events which can prove to your parents that he is still out of control?

Perhaps as parents they have not only allowed him to become the golden child who can do no wrong (When obviously he can) but they now feel like they have to look after him whatever happens because he is their special child?

I would be livid to hear that my parents thought I was controlling my OH. You need to call them back and make it quite clear to them that this is the way you want it to be and that as an adult you have every right to make teh rules about who is present when and after you give birth.

Original poster

eandz · 13/05/2008 13:37

so mil has told my dad off for not backing down at the initial 'no'...and thinks maybe he shouldn't be around us if he can't see us as a separate family unit.

my parents work soo fast!

OP posts:

bran · 13/05/2008 13:39

Give your MIL a big hug. She's right!

Original poster

eandz · 13/05/2008 13:47

my brother isn't trying to control his drug issues. he's still smoking up and using pcp (?) on a daily basis...according to my little sisters who live in the same house. he has friends who visit to play 'video games' every day and my dad feels like my brother would benefit from company that is his age. (these boys are bringing him his drugs) and my brother gets the money from my parents for
'pizza and beer' for his friends.

he recently set fire to his car outside a strip club because 1. he wasn't old enough to get in and 2. he wanted a new car. (this is why he has a supervision order).

when I bring up this incident my mom and dad say "He's sick, he can't control it"... the fact that he was HIGH on DRUGS seems to be irrelevant.

OP posts:

prettybird · 13/05/2008 13:47

Actaully, I've just re-read your OP: "my brother is an incredibly destructive and very manipulative".

It's not just your brother who is being destructive/manipulative - it is your parents. Which might also go some way to explaining why your brother is the way he is.

If you told your father it was just becasue you didn't want your brother around, that would go some way to explaining (although not excusing his subeseqeunt over-reaction) his beleif that you have a thing agaisnt your brother.

But reading between the lines, it is not just your brother that you have an issue with. You have concerns that yuor parents are going to be over-controlling - and form the evidence of thier actions over the past few hours, you are right to have concerns.

You baby, you pregnancy, your husband, your (new) family, your choice. And they need to learn that.

Original poster

eandz · 13/05/2008 13:48

yes, mil is pretty decent...

OP posts:

beforesunrise · 13/05/2008 13:48

Eandz, well done for telling your parents what you think. and now hold your ground- it's going to be hard, but you can do it. sounds like your dh is supportive, and so are your inlaws.

btw i find it quite revealing that your parents think you aer "controlling" your husband just because he is standing by your decision- clearly the only way they can understand a relationship is in terms of control rather than love and support. it figures i guess.

i do honestly believe the problem is them, not so much your brother. your following posts make this quite clear at least to me.

i admire you for making your own way and building your own life. you are very young still, and i wish you all the best! keep us posted

jamila169 · 13/05/2008 13:49

Good lord, I'm struggling to articulate how bizarre your whole stuation is, Your parents have this whole twisted codependent relationship going on with your brother, so much so that their other three children are willing to move to a different continent to stop themselves from being sucked into it any more and they are prepared to ride over your feelings,risk your sanity,try to steamroller anyone who diagrees with their delusional,controlling idea of 'family' and use emotional blackmail to get what they want?
IMHO, it's not you, your sisters or your brother who need therapy, it's them, they're the root and the reason for everything,and I pity your brother, he seems to be the one who couldn't fight,couldn't get out(I bet your dad is loving being 'in control' of him)
you've done so well to get out, be strong

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