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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Husband wants to abort & I’m not 100%

149 replies

RM24 · 20/02/2025 16:53

2 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy- another child was not even spoken or dreamt about as we are a content family of 5 (DC 12, 9 &3)
DH immediately jumped to tell me to have an abortion (probably out of shock and panic) and at the time I agreed, I had no attachment to the pregnancy, I wasn’t seeking another baby so it was an easy (but guilty) appointment to book.

A few days pass and it brought on lots of guilt and the start of my sadness, especially as my symptoms started to kick in and now I’m questioning what the right thing to do is, do we expand our family and adjust or continue to abort?!

The day before I was due my first appointment at the hospital I was extremely distressed, I have had 2 miscarriages in the past so I knew what to expect as far as passing the pregnancy was going to be as one of my miscarriages hospitalised me as not all the pregnancy cleared so I had the pill which also failed and then had to have the suction so it’s all very triggering and I know what’s going to happen with both methods.

fast forward to my appointment, after my scan the dr said they had to disclose with me information from my scan and they told me I am expecting non identical twins (6w)
this felt like a double blow - double the guilt

I came home to tell my husband and his face dropped, and we both agreed how sad it was. I hadn’t spoken to him properly about what we were going to do until yesterday, I wanted to know if his thoughts had changed once the shock wore off, but unfortunately they havnt and he has told me he will be miserable if I kept the babies which I feel is very unfair considering he was the one who didn’t want me to have the coil, he volunteered to have the snip yet never made the appointment because of his work and ultimately he got my pregnant (and yes this is now me feeling that I need to put the blame on him as I’m hurting)

(also DH has booked in for a vasectomy since this has happened- just a little too late 😩)

I don’t want to bring children into this world when my husband isn’t on board, I love him to much to do that to him and value our marriage more than anything and ofcourse it wouldn’t be fair on the babies either but my heart is breaking into a million pieces

I’m terrified of making the wrong decision as it’s something we can never go back on especially for the odds of this time being pregnant with twins
althoygb jumping from 3 to 5 children is just a lot! Do able, but that’s ALOT of children 🥴

I have an ‘unplanned pregnancy’ counselling session booked for next week, ironically in the morning before my afternoon appointment at the hospital to discuss which procedure I want to go ahead with

I’m not sure if I’m posting this for advice or trying to think out loud as my head over the past 2 weeks has been here there & everywhere and I’m now hanging on by a thread so apologies for the length of this post!

OP posts:
NotbloodyGivingupYet · 20/02/2025 16:59

I honestly can't advise you, what an awful situation. I would have to go with what's in my heart of hearts, because there's no going back either way. You have to know you did what's right for you and for your family, take the decision that you can live with. Whichever it is. Maybe the counselling will help you clarify your feelings.

Beeches24 · 20/02/2025 17:02

The fact you're not 100% makes me worry that you'll regret it. I don't know what your support network is like. Do you think your husband will come around to it?

laesosalt · 20/02/2025 17:05

Only you know what is best for you and like the PP has mentioned, regret would be awful.

Personally, I have had an abortion (before my 3 current children) and would never ever do it again.

Be kind to yourself and go to the counseling session 🌸

greatfrontage · 20/02/2025 17:07

How old are you? Two 100% healthy twins with zero issues ever is going to be absolutely knackering, but if you are older then the chances go up of one or both of them having additional needs, which would put a huge strain on you, your existing children and your marriage. It wouldn't be anybody's "fault", but your life would rapidly become extremely hard.

I realise that the rarity of twins makes the prospect very VERY exciting, but the cold hard reality of the physical grind and the inevitable plummet in your household finances (assuming there are no additional needs or anything like that at play) would make me lean towards a more pragmatic decision, but then I am in my 40's and the idea makes my blood run cold!

Do you have loads of money and space? Can you or your husband give up work for the next 5 years? (Double nursery fees otherwise!)

Kilroywashere · 20/02/2025 17:08

It's an awful decision to make. I suppose you could consider the practical aspects - would you need a bigger house, a people-carrier car, managing holidays, do you or are you planning to work once the youngest is at school?

Candlesandmatches · 20/02/2025 17:08

Keep your babies. Husbands reaction is likely shock and stress.
Why will he be miserable if you have the babies? That’s an odd thing to say.
It sounds like you don’t want to have an abortion. Find ppl in real life that will support you to keep your babies.
He can make his choices. But he will be more miserable with a wife you regrets her abortion.
Its perfectly ok for you to change your mind

JimHalpertsWife · 20/02/2025 17:08

Why have you started another thread on this?

Lentilweaver · 20/02/2025 17:09

Did you have another post on this subject?

MyUmberSeal · 20/02/2025 17:09

I’m so very sorry that you are in this situation. I can’t advise, but I hope you’ve found writing it out cathartic.

I will say that although you are hurting and confused and full of worry and potential regret, it’s only fair and just that your husband is, and has been, honest with you about how he would like to proceed.

I hope the counselling is of some use, and ultimately you come to a decision you can be at peace with. Don’t rush, although I don’t know how far along you are, but try and talk honestly with your husband, about how you feel. For obvious reasons, the onus will always be on the woman to make the final decision and that can be a huge emotional burden. Best of luck and positive thoughts.

JimHalpertsWife · 20/02/2025 17:10

Your other thread makes it sound as though your dh has said if you continue the pregnancy he will support, but his preference would be not to.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/pregnancy/5277793-pregnant-with-oops-twins-3-dc?postsby=RM24

Anewuser · 20/02/2025 17:12

You posted this already.

You're the only person who can decide if you want to keep the twins and lose your marriage.

2025ohdear · 20/02/2025 17:14

Why another thread? You've already had 400 replies to the exact same thread before

Original poster
RM24 · 20/02/2025 17:15

JimHalpertsWife · 20/02/2025 17:08

Why have you started another thread on this?

Because the last post got way out of hand, so if you don’t want to be here then bye 👋🏻 I have no patience for idiotic comments like the ones on the last. I’m here for genuine advice, and hopefully people who have experienced a similar situation. Not for people sticking their two pence in and being negative and commenting on my life when they have no idea who I am!

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 20/02/2025 17:15

5 children is a massive amount.
If your husband leaves , could you be single parent to 5 kids?
Twins are a huge amount of work.

LolaJ87 · 20/02/2025 17:15

I wouldn't have an abortion unless it was what I really wanted. I know you are worried about your marriage, but having an abortion because it's what your husband wants will likely just lead to resentment and other problems in your marriage. I read your other thread, you're only 31 right? It's not like it's old to be having babies.

JimHalpertsWife · 20/02/2025 17:16

You asked for advice and people gave their advice. If it's not what you want to hear, then that sucks but it's life.

Original poster
RM24 · 20/02/2025 17:16

JimHalpertsWife · 20/02/2025 17:10

Your other thread makes it sound as though your dh has said if you continue the pregnancy he will support, but his preference would be not to.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/pregnancy/5277793-pregnant-with-oops-twins-3-dc?postsby=RM24

Edited

We spoke about this yesterday and his now giving me a totally different response, which has made things so much harder for myself which is why I wanted to reword my post

OP posts:
JimHalpertsWife · 20/02/2025 17:18

Was there a contraception failure?

LolaJ87 · 20/02/2025 17:18

JimHalpertsWife · 20/02/2025 17:16

You asked for advice and people gave their advice. If it's not what you want to hear, then that sucks but it's life.

Tbf that thread was insane, full of weird judgment rather than advice, people saying she would ruin her current children's life and all sorts of nonsense.

Snoopdoggydog123 · 20/02/2025 17:19

What's your financial situation?
At the heart of the decision needs to be the 3 children already here. Their quality of life and the impact either decision could have on them.

The adults can cope.

Lentilweaver · 20/02/2025 17:19

I didn't post on the last thread, but I think you are romanticising the idea of twins, as you appear to be ok with terminating a single pregnancy, but not twins.
Your DH certainly should have got the snip, but nevertheless, you need to consider if you can manage being a single mother of 5. Unfair, but there it is..

I couldn't. But then I don't believe in destiny.

ThatEllie · 20/02/2025 17:21

You have a 3 bedroom semi and your 9 and 3 year olds are already having to share a room, which isn’t ideal. You currently have no room for two more children even if your marriage survives.

Unless part of the plan includes buying a house with at least 5 bedrooms I don’t see how it could work.

Original poster
RM24 · 20/02/2025 17:21

greatfrontage · 20/02/2025 17:07

How old are you? Two 100% healthy twins with zero issues ever is going to be absolutely knackering, but if you are older then the chances go up of one or both of them having additional needs, which would put a huge strain on you, your existing children and your marriage. It wouldn't be anybody's "fault", but your life would rapidly become extremely hard.

I realise that the rarity of twins makes the prospect very VERY exciting, but the cold hard reality of the physical grind and the inevitable plummet in your household finances (assuming there are no additional needs or anything like that at play) would make me lean towards a more pragmatic decision, but then I am in my 40's and the idea makes my blood run cold!

Do you have loads of money and space? Can you or your husband give up work for the next 5 years? (Double nursery fees otherwise!)

I’m 31, we live in a good sized 3bed which could be adapted if needed later down the line but moving house isn’t out of the picture, also have no issue with part exchanging our current car for a bigger
We’re a one income household by my husband and I’m self employed running a small business, but we don’t rely on my income it’s just a hobby that pays x

OP posts:
Elektra1 · 20/02/2025 17:22

You should do what is best for the 3 children you already have. Can you afford another 2 children, financially and in terms of the time you can give each child? Twins are a lot of work even if you only have one other child.

JimHalpertsWife · 20/02/2025 17:22

And how will you fund the family life if your dh decided to divorce? Its your right as to whether you abort or not, and it's his right whether he decides to stay in the marriage or not.