Husband wants to abort & I’m not 100%

[RM24]

2 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy- another child was not even spoken or dreamt about as we are a content family of 5 (DC 12, 9 &3)
DH immediately jumped to tell me to have an abortion (probably out of shock and panic) and at the time I agreed, I had no attachment to the pregnancy, I wasn’t seeking another baby so it was an easy (but guilty) appointment to book.

A few days pass and it brought on lots of guilt and the start of my sadness, especially as my symptoms started to kick in and now I’m questioning what the right thing to do is, do we expand our family and adjust or continue to abort?!

The day before I was due my first appointment at the hospital I was extremely distressed, I have had 2 miscarriages in the past so I knew what to expect as far as passing the pregnancy was going to be as one of my miscarriages hospitalised me as not all the pregnancy cleared so I had the pill which also failed and then had to have the suction so it’s all very triggering and I know what’s going to happen with both methods.

fast forward to my appointment, after my scan the dr said they had to disclose with me information from my scan and they told me I am expecting non identical twins (6w)
this felt like a double blow - double the guilt

I came home to tell my husband and his face dropped, and we both agreed how sad it was. I hadn’t spoken to him properly about what we were going to do until yesterday, I wanted to know if his thoughts had changed once the shock wore off, but unfortunately they havnt and he has told me he will be miserable if I kept the babies which I feel is very unfair considering he was the one who didn’t want me to have the coil, he volunteered to have the snip yet never made the appointment because of his work and ultimately he got my pregnant (and yes this is now me feeling that I need to put the blame on him as I’m hurting)

(also DH has booked in for a vasectomy since this has happened- just a little too late 😩)

I don’t want to bring children into this world when my husband isn’t on board, I love him to much to do that to him and value our marriage more than anything and ofcourse it wouldn’t be fair on the babies either but my heart is breaking into a million pieces

I’m terrified of making the wrong decision as it’s something we can never go back on especially for the odds of this time being pregnant with twins
althoygb jumping from 3 to 5 children is just a lot! Do able, but that’s ALOT of children 🥴

I have an ‘unplanned pregnancy’ counselling session booked for next week, ironically in the morning before my afternoon appointment at the hospital to discuss which procedure I want to go ahead with

I’m not sure if I’m posting this for advice or trying to think out loud as my head over the past 2 weeks has been here there & everywhere and I’m now hanging on by a thread so apologies for the length of this post!

Also this. Because you said "okay" to the abortion previously, DOES NOT IN ANY WAY, mean you have to go through with it. It is irrelevant. Your body, your babies, your choice alone, either way.

Edit - Quoted wrong post!

I've had a termination and I can honestly say there was nothing traumatic about the physical process of it, and it was at over 9 weeks.

I was/am disappointed that we weren't in the right place to increase our family, but I don't regret it. I also had a decent therapist at the time who helped me through it, because of course it can kick up a lot of difficult emotions. I still have disappointment, but that's my cross to bear for not being more careful.

You have 3 kids already. I can't really see how not having two more could be a life ruining regret that you would struggle to live with. It would be disappointing, and of course there would be feelings to be addressed. But I can't see how it could ruin your life or relationship.

Having twins could, though...

As other posters have said, what if they have additional needs? What if the financial and physical impact becomes too much for your husband as the years go by? He needs to be fully on board now, or you're risking the future stability of the 3 children you already have.

The thought that always gets me through the disappointment of having a termination is that I was actually being the best mother possible by making that choice.

On the other hand, it does sound like your husband might be able to get on board. You need to have a big talk about it with him, and think through every single direction this could go in...

Best of luck, it's a big decision 💐

Oh OP, I can hear your overwhelm here.

If it helps, my sister had 5 children, 2 being non identical twins. They grew up in a blink of an eye and have their own families now. My sister has just had the trip of a lifetime abroad visiting one of them.

You can't see the future. Some times that's a good thing, other times it would be better to see how okay we would be when we had thought the worst.

You'd feel completely different if your DH had been pro pregnancy from the start. That would almost give you permission to voice your doubts. Every pregnancy comes with mixed feelings, both those fears and uncertain and those longed for.

You definitely should keep this pregnancy. Your DH will come round, and if he doesn't he would leave after the abortion anyway because it would change you both. That's my view on it anyway. Hope you find the strength you need

5 kids will be hard, absolutely no denying that. I got accidentally pregnant with my 3rd (singular) child, husband wanted an abortion and I had similar feelings to you and also posted on mumsnet. Got lots of comments about how the child might have additional needs or physical disabilities that would ruin all our lives. That I need to think of my existing children. My own mother told me it would ruin my older children’s lives. Well… it didn’t. I had her and they both love their little sister and whilst yes it has been hard, my DH came round and loves her as much as the others. It was a rocky time for us though during pregnancy. I was totally honest with DH and told him if he really didn’t want this baby then I would have an abortion but we would also break up because whilst I couldn’t be a single mum to 3 I couldn’t be basically forced to abort and still continue a relationship with him. It all worked out in the end… having said that if I got pregnant now with twins there is no way I could continue the pregnancy, it would finish me off mentally! I do desperately feel for you op, I’ve been there and remember and bloody hard the whole thing was. Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best.

Is that true as my kids are in their 30s and I did not know any families like that.

Yes, she did.

It really isn't relevant if 5 children was the average amount 30+ years ago (which I really don't think it was, you'd have to go back much further than 30 years). That was because there was no contraception or abortion in the past and women's lives were shit. They had no rights over their own bodies or their own children. Children's lives were terrible too in the past often because of large family sizes, made to work from a very young age and without enough food or essentials to go round. It's hardly a reason not to terminate since OP has the option.

It's more like 200 years ago that 5DC was average in the UK

I think you know in your heart that you want to keep your babies OP. 30+ years ago 5 would have been the average amount of children. It's not all about money.

you reckon in 1995 the average family was made up of 5 children??

It’s not even been over 2 since 1958.

And people only had more way back because a. There was no contraception b. Childhood mortality was really high.

At your age & with 3 children already & a DH who didn't want me to use the contraception I'd chosen saying he would get the snip... DH would have been told as he had caused the situation and I would not be having an abortion to suit him. He had better hurry up and get on board.- fast!!

He prevented you going on the contraception you wanted and he was going to have a vasectomy, now is not the time to decide he doesn't want to be a father again too fucking late!!

If he wants a divorce and wants to leave the three children he already has there's nothing you can do to stop him but frankly, if he's going to do that, it's quite probable he would have some stage anyway.

your children's lives will be different, but no one can say whether that will no for the better or worse your eldest Too is what life would have been different if you hadn't had your third do you regret having your third cause it changed your eldest two's lives.

Here for genuine advice?
Definitely abort.

My mother had four children when she fell pregnant with twins. She was told the first baby was disabled due to her age. . She aborted losing the second child due to the surgery. There was nothing wrong with either child. I saw my sibling after he was still born and I've never forgot it. My mother never forgave herself. She mentioned him the week she died.
I think you need to make that hobby business a big business! You'll be working from home for quite a while yet.
If you don't want an abortion don't have one. If your husband loves you he'll support you, no coil indeed. You can't feel it and I have a 'gifted' husband.
I support abortion as a right but if you don't want it, don't have it but you'll need big girl pants and lots of organisation with five DC.
Good luck sweetheart. X

I've had an abortion and for some reason, I knew that if the scan showed multiples, I would keep them. If you have any doubts, do not do it. You'll regret it and it will eat you alive. Only abort if YOU want to.

If you want to keep the pregnancy then do. The older 2 children will be left home by the time the little one/s get old enough to be expensive and you're young.
If you don't want to keep the pregnancy then the fact it's a twin pregnancy should not influence your decision.

AND if you can take care and pay of 5 children alone (including maintenance). Yes, everything might be fine and both you and your husband might be genuinely happy, but it might not and he might leave. If he's self-employed, he could wiggle out of maintenance should he choose to do so and you can't make him have children 50-50 if he refuses.

Yes, I'm sure your husband is a good man and 'not like that'. And he genuinely might not be. But everyone says so when the times are good. Until divorce comes and (many) husbands show their true colours and become 'like that'. Ask me how I know.

No. Only abort if you don't want the child / children. There is no other reason to abort.

Yes, women should have the right to abort, for whatever reason they want. But by the same token, they have the right to keep their pregnancies, for whatever reason. Anything else is draconian.

What an incredibly difficult situation 💔

If you don’t want an abortion then don’t get one.

But I assume this means your DH ending the relationship and you being a single parent to 5 kids, which is incredibly challenging.

You also have to think about the logistics of having 5 kids - bedrooms, car, childcare etc

You sound like you want to keep them OP - so keep them. It'll be tough but it'll be tougher still to have regrets. It depends really how much you could move past this if you did terminate. If he's a decent man he'll come round and support you all.

He will be miserable if you keep the babies? Well what if you would be miserable if you don’t? It’s not a single person discussing , he can’t just command you.

It’s not his right to pressure his wife to terminate a pregnancy.

Never have an abortion you're not sure of. Itll eat away at you and resentment will set in anyway.

Maybe you should speak to someone before you go ahead.

That’s not what he has done, he has simply said he would prefer not to, he has expressed a preference, and he has every right to express his view, and in the OP’s previous post, she was quite clear that her husband would support her either way. This is about how she feels, not how her husband feels.

If he didn’t want his wife to have the coil and it has resulted in a pregnancy, why is he complaining now?

No way would I have an abortion unless I was 100% sure I wanted one