Husband wants to abort & I’m not 100%

[RM24]

2 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy- another child was not even spoken or dreamt about as we are a content family of 5 (DC 12, 9 &3)
DH immediately jumped to tell me to have an abortion (probably out of shock and panic) and at the time I agreed, I had no attachment to the pregnancy, I wasn’t seeking another baby so it was an easy (but guilty) appointment to book.

A few days pass and it brought on lots of guilt and the start of my sadness, especially as my symptoms started to kick in and now I’m questioning what the right thing to do is, do we expand our family and adjust or continue to abort?!

The day before I was due my first appointment at the hospital I was extremely distressed, I have had 2 miscarriages in the past so I knew what to expect as far as passing the pregnancy was going to be as one of my miscarriages hospitalised me as not all the pregnancy cleared so I had the pill which also failed and then had to have the suction so it’s all very triggering and I know what’s going to happen with both methods.

fast forward to my appointment, after my scan the dr said they had to disclose with me information from my scan and they told me I am expecting non identical twins (6w)
this felt like a double blow - double the guilt

I came home to tell my husband and his face dropped, and we both agreed how sad it was. I hadn’t spoken to him properly about what we were going to do until yesterday, I wanted to know if his thoughts had changed once the shock wore off, but unfortunately they havnt and he has told me he will be miserable if I kept the babies which I feel is very unfair considering he was the one who didn’t want me to have the coil, he volunteered to have the snip yet never made the appointment because of his work and ultimately he got my pregnant (and yes this is now me feeling that I need to put the blame on him as I’m hurting)

(also DH has booked in for a vasectomy since this has happened- just a little too late 😩)

I don’t want to bring children into this world when my husband isn’t on board, I love him to much to do that to him and value our marriage more than anything and ofcourse it wouldn’t be fair on the babies either but my heart is breaking into a million pieces

I’m terrified of making the wrong decision as it’s something we can never go back on especially for the odds of this time being pregnant with twins
althoygb jumping from 3 to 5 children is just a lot! Do able, but that’s ALOT of children 🥴

I have an ‘unplanned pregnancy’ counselling session booked for next week, ironically in the morning before my afternoon appointment at the hospital to discuss which procedure I want to go ahead with

I’m not sure if I’m posting this for advice or trying to think out loud as my head over the past 2 weeks has been here there & everywhere and I’m now hanging on by a thread so apologies for the length of this post!

It's not Pro-Life, it's Pro-choice.

I 1000% agree with women having access to abortion. But having one because you want one, is a totally different thing to having one because your husband wants you to have one. Whether you're being made to go through with a pregnancy because you have no access to contraception or abortion, or are coerced into having a termination you don't want, it's still a lack of choice. How do you not get that? Her husband has already coerced her into not using the contraception she wanted. And now is in the process of persuading her to terminate a pregnancy that OP seems to want. Saying things like "it's just two balls of cells", isn't helpful or relevant in this instance because it's missing the point of the thread. It doesn't matter, whether YOU PERSONALLY think the pregnancy is just cells. Or what I think. Or OPs husband. The only think that matters, is how OP feels about it.

It’s not pro choice if you are making emotive claims about six week old fetuses breathing and that they should rank equally in consideration to the OP’s existing children. Then it’s decidedly pro life.

Regretting a termination really isn’t the worst thing that can happen to a person, which is what many people seem to assume. It’s clear that the OP couldn’t even financially support her existing children if she split from their dad, let alone another two. She really does need to consider the impact on her existing kids and what is best for them.

Hi @RM24

I hope this reply can be helpful since that’s what you are looking for, I was also a mum to 3 when i discovered I was expecting twins.

This a big decision and even more so because of twins and husbands looming vasectomy, ultimately all you can do is make the decision you think you can best live with.

Sometimes you just have to accept that no one is going to get exactly what they want regardless of the choice you make and when you are in it, it can feel like such a no win scenario. Either your husband resents the pregnancy/you/children, or you resent him for putting you in this position to need to terminate the pregnancy and for not feeling like you had his support to continue.

You haven’t weigh up how you think you will feel in the aftermath of the termination, how deep will those feelings go, how long will they last, do you think it’s something you can get over etc vs how will he feel if you continue the pregnancy, will he support you, will he eventually come around, will he love these children. It’s difficult to weigh because essentially these are all likely guesses and predictions, neither of you can truly know.

As a mum of 5 children myself and twins who are now 3, I can tell you that twin parenting is hard, amazing yes, but HARD! The pressures and stresses are different to just having one baby, and you so often need a second pair of hands or eyes, and obviously your first port of call for that is going to be your husband.

Whilst my DH and I didn’t have any conflict over the pregnancy choices like you do, our relationship really struggled for the first year of the twins lives. It’s such a big adjustment not just for you and your relationship but for your other children too. We had been together almost 20 years before the twins arrived and I think I credit that length of time together for helping us get through, but where we made it many other twin parents don’t. So this is something to factor in and seriously consider, if you do go ahead give some thought to how you would cope alone. I don’t say that to frighten you, it’s not intended that way, but it’s better to consider it now than feel blindsided down the road later.

I don’t mean for my post to sound gloomy because it’s not, I love my twins unconditionally, they are the best thing ever and I wouldn’t change it for a second but I just didn’t want to give you a false impression of sunshine and rainbows of twin mum life. There are many many magical and amazing moments, but this twin thing is tiring and bloody hard work too, not to mention damn expensive!! It’s stressy and hard but wonderful too, I’m not sure I can explain it any other way.

Sending unmumsnetty hugs 💐

Sensible advice.

When people loose a living breathing child they don't choose to end that life themselves though do they. It's about what OP is able to live with in terms of the decision she needs to make. Some people can live with doing that, they may not place as much value on a foetus but for those struggling with such a decision i imagine it's because of what that foetus would evolve into ultimately.. a living breathing child

I think you should consider the impact of two newborn twins on your older children too.

No1 said it was 🤔
I pity people like you who have to try and convince others to see life as u do.. get a life 😂 It wasnt about medical definition for me, it's about what that foetus evolves into.. a child. Don't think people like you understand that concept, anyway will not be wasting anymore time replying to you 👋 😂

Lmao! Well said 👏 🤣

Educate yourself 👍 someone else has kindly educated you I believe in a response

@Hello55 are you genuinely trying to argue that babies breathe in the womb? They do not.

And you’re asking me to educate myself. This is like Trump level gaslighting

It sounds to me like an abortion will haunt you for the rest of your life.
I don't understand why women put men first that don't put them first!

OK apologies , maybe not in the UK but I'm in Ireland and 5+ kids was the norm with my school class. We had almost 150 in each year in Secondary.

It was still only about 2. Your circle was obviously an anomaly. Hasn't been more than 4 in centuries.
Size of your year group only tells you how big the school was. Mine was 220 per year.

You could give them up for adoption?

I really would doubt that it was just my circle as all my aunts , uncles , neighbours had a lot of kids. My Mum is one of 7 and my dad one of 14. It was abnormal to have 1 or 2. There was no contraception available in Ireland until the late 70s and abortion only became legal recently.

Ok. The statistics are wrong. You should probably inform the government.

I can't advise you. I can say that in your situation if it was at all possible to provide for 2 more children I would continue with the pregnancy personally, because my feelings are that I would be severely impacted mentally by abortion, if you feel that way it is valid. However I also realise that lots of women would be better off terminating.
It's such a personal decision, you need to prioritise your current children, part of that is prioritising your own mental health and relationship, and which decision is right for the better outcomes will vary between individual women.
Part of it is also needing to weigh up if you could cope financially and practically with twins added to your family. Would that be worse for your mental health.
Seek some support from real life friends or family if possible to help with the decision.

You both made the decision to have sex with what sounds like not a very good contraception plan.
This doesn't sound like your first unplanned pregnancy.
So given that he really should realise this was a very real possibility. And just getting an abortion isn't a simple thing.
The emotional effects this will have on you for years to come will not have entered his head.
I would personally keep them. If no medical reasons prevent you from carrying on with the pregnancy.
It's exceptionally irresponsible if you both new this was a possibility and have not been using contraception

I grew up in 1970s Ireland and most friends and neighbours who had kids had 4. That seemed to be the most typical family size then where I lived at least (rurally).
Three seemed to be the typical family size when my kids were in primary school. They’re teens now. Several of my friends don’t have any children though.

I would be miserable with two more babies. Not to say how he feels defines what OP should do, I think as the woman it’s always your choice, but I can see how more babies could make someone miserable. Twins almost finished my DS off.

Maybe go to your counselling session, first and then ask for more time to consider the options.

My advice is to always go with your gut, and if you're not 100% just now then you need more time. I appreciate there's a bit of a clock on these things.

Do you truly believe your husband wouldn't come around, and would be miserable? Or, could he have a change of heart once the babies are growing/here?

I don't know your circumstances, but is adoption an option?

If it's something you are going to dwell on in future and think if only then don't. If you can move on with no regrets that's different.

Pro life, anti abortion propaganda has no place on this thread so bugger off.

Don't do it you will regret it