Husband wants to abort & I’m not 100%

[RM24]

2 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy- another child was not even spoken or dreamt about as we are a content family of 5 (DC 12, 9 &3)
DH immediately jumped to tell me to have an abortion (probably out of shock and panic) and at the time I agreed, I had no attachment to the pregnancy, I wasn’t seeking another baby so it was an easy (but guilty) appointment to book.

A few days pass and it brought on lots of guilt and the start of my sadness, especially as my symptoms started to kick in and now I’m questioning what the right thing to do is, do we expand our family and adjust or continue to abort?!

The day before I was due my first appointment at the hospital I was extremely distressed, I have had 2 miscarriages in the past so I knew what to expect as far as passing the pregnancy was going to be as one of my miscarriages hospitalised me as not all the pregnancy cleared so I had the pill which also failed and then had to have the suction so it’s all very triggering and I know what’s going to happen with both methods.

fast forward to my appointment, after my scan the dr said they had to disclose with me information from my scan and they told me I am expecting non identical twins (6w)
this felt like a double blow - double the guilt

I came home to tell my husband and his face dropped, and we both agreed how sad it was. I hadn’t spoken to him properly about what we were going to do until yesterday, I wanted to know if his thoughts had changed once the shock wore off, but unfortunately they havnt and he has told me he will be miserable if I kept the babies which I feel is very unfair considering he was the one who didn’t want me to have the coil, he volunteered to have the snip yet never made the appointment because of his work and ultimately he got my pregnant (and yes this is now me feeling that I need to put the blame on him as I’m hurting)

(also DH has booked in for a vasectomy since this has happened- just a little too late 😩)

I don’t want to bring children into this world when my husband isn’t on board, I love him to much to do that to him and value our marriage more than anything and ofcourse it wouldn’t be fair on the babies either but my heart is breaking into a million pieces

I’m terrified of making the wrong decision as it’s something we can never go back on especially for the odds of this time being pregnant with twins
althoygb jumping from 3 to 5 children is just a lot! Do able, but that’s ALOT of children 🥴

I have an ‘unplanned pregnancy’ counselling session booked for next week, ironically in the morning before my afternoon appointment at the hospital to discuss which procedure I want to go ahead with

I’m not sure if I’m posting this for advice or trying to think out loud as my head over the past 2 weeks has been here there & everywhere and I’m now hanging on by a thread so apologies for the length of this post!

The OP didn’t get pregnant on her own. If her husband felt so strongly about it he could have had a vasectomy after the 3 year old was born.

I don't understand people who say think about the 3 children you have.. you have 2 more babies breathing and alive inside of you and they matter too. You don't sound like you want to abort, you need to think very carefully how you would feel if you did that because that's what your husband wanted.. you may end up resenting him, which could mean the end of your marriage as well. You have to be able to live with the decision you make there is nothing worse than regret. If you aborted are you always going to be thinking 'what if' 'what would the babies have been like' you don't want to feel stuck and end up mentally unwell if you make the wrong call. I personally think everything happens for a reason, we don't always know why at the time but with time it makes sense. There's always a way to make things work. Your husband may feel as he does now, but once the babies are here may fall head over heels with them. You need to have a proper chat with him, tell him exactly how you feel. The first year after a baby is challenging but with time things get easier. I wish you the best with this decision x

There aren't two babies inside her. They are cells right now.
Everything does not happen for a reason.

I agree, everything happening for a reason would apply to people having abortions too, you could say it was never meant to be and all that stuff. As it goes I don’t believe any of that anyway. Also, they are not babies as you say, they are a bunch of cells.

Well we're all just bunches of cells I suppose. They aren't babies right now but they probably have heartbeats. It's the potential for life. Some people place higher value on that potential than others, obviously. As a woman that has dealt with pregnancy loss (like OP), I never considered my pregnancy loss to be just a bunch of cells.

That's your opinion 👋

Totally agree with this 👍 it's about how highly people value life. I have also had 2 pregnancy losses before, I didn't see that as a bunch of cells

Ask yourself, could you be a single mum with all those children?

Could happen through death or divorce.

Life is reality.

But you wouldn't place the same value on an embryo or fetus as a child surely? I was sad when I had a miscarriage but it's not at all comparable to losing a living, breathing child.

Trouble is, if your DH isn't really on board the additional stress of 2 babies alongside 3 other children might cause him resentment of your decision and the resulting situation, and you both high levels of stress in your relationship.
If you did end up separating, how would you manage when he is the main earner? As a single parent trying to support 5 kids? Council houses are rarely over 3 beds so would you still be able to fund a future move yourself?
Benefits wouldn't stretch far and you'd be very limited in being able to do much work with that many young kids to look after.

I have also dealt with a pregnancy loss.This isn't a competition. 🙄

But there is a medical definition of a baby. At 6 weeks it is an embryo. Not even a fetus. That's not my opinion👋 It's a fact.

It is not "wrong".

It is a legitimate choice for a woman, as it's her body.

Fuck off to Texas if you want to ban all abortion and leave women to die in back alleys.

When I have my midwife appointment tomorrow and she says she's "just going to listen in to baby" I'll be sure to let her know that LentilWeaver says we absolutely must not refer to the fetus as a baby until it meets the medical definition 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s so very hard to advise but I had a similar situation recently. I found out last April I was pregnant with our 5th baby - a total shock. My husband behaved quite badly and insisted on the abortion pill. I genuinely thought I would take it and that’s what I wanted, however, I just couldn’t do it. I now have my 7 week old little boy next to me and wouldn’t change it for the world. I would have personally lived a life of regret. It’s such a hard predicament you are in - I also have 10 year old boy girl twins and feel very lucky being a twin mummy. Either decision you make as hard as it is you have to make sure you are happy with it - but don’t feel pressured and if you want to keep your twins then do it ! You will always find a way to make it work as hard as times can be. If you aren’t ready and feel the other way then of course that’s your decision but you also risk a life of regret. If you need anything at all you can message me - I have 5, 2 of which are twins and very happy to help you anyway I can - no pressure either way - regardless wishing you love and strength. X

I don't understand people who say think about the 3 children you have.. you have 2 more babies breathing and alive inside of you and they matter too.

imagine confidently giving advice when you think babies in the womb are breathing. Ffs

I meant you plural

You are allowed to change your mind. It is your body.

Abortions aren't wrong.

When I said what the fuck does it have to do with him that was in relation to his objection to the OP having the coil. Which I stand by. What the hell say does any man have in what method of contraception his partner uses? How precisely does it affect him?

I think you need to think very realistically about the potential impact on your family unit. The reality is you would probably cope fine with twin babies. But babies become children and teenagers - they all need time, space and financial resources which will be spread very very thinly with 5 children and only one income. Think about what hopes you have for your existing children. Do you want them to travel, learn to drive, go to Uni? All those things will likely be limited. Large families are great but being honest with yourself would you ever in a million years have planned to have another 2 children given your circumstances?

They do actually breathe in amniotic fluid, by 10 / 12 weeks, to strengthen muscles for when they are born. So in a sense, they do breathe.

Their cells also undergo cellular respiration, using oxygen to release energy. Another way in which they "breathe".

Many people, do see fetuses as children. Just because you personally don't, doesn't mean it isn't a valid thing that some people feel.

I am speechless at the person who said she’d not have an abortion if it was twins (but would if it was a single). People really are so incredibly shallow and treat babies as if they were accessories.

Well the OP is six weeks so even by your standard, they aren’t breathing.

As I pointed out earlier, it's a 6 week pregancy.
Some bizarre pro- life rhetoric here.

Twins would sway me more towards an abortion in your situation 5 children is a hell of a lot But ultimately it's your choice.