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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Husband wants to abort & I’m not 100%

149 replies

RM24 · 20/02/2025 16:53

2 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy- another child was not even spoken or dreamt about as we are a content family of 5 (DC 12, 9 &3)
DH immediately jumped to tell me to have an abortion (probably out of shock and panic) and at the time I agreed, I had no attachment to the pregnancy, I wasn’t seeking another baby so it was an easy (but guilty) appointment to book.

A few days pass and it brought on lots of guilt and the start of my sadness, especially as my symptoms started to kick in and now I’m questioning what the right thing to do is, do we expand our family and adjust or continue to abort?!

The day before I was due my first appointment at the hospital I was extremely distressed, I have had 2 miscarriages in the past so I knew what to expect as far as passing the pregnancy was going to be as one of my miscarriages hospitalised me as not all the pregnancy cleared so I had the pill which also failed and then had to have the suction so it’s all very triggering and I know what’s going to happen with both methods.

fast forward to my appointment, after my scan the dr said they had to disclose with me information from my scan and they told me I am expecting non identical twins (6w)
this felt like a double blow - double the guilt

I came home to tell my husband and his face dropped, and we both agreed how sad it was. I hadn’t spoken to him properly about what we were going to do until yesterday, I wanted to know if his thoughts had changed once the shock wore off, but unfortunately they havnt and he has told me he will be miserable if I kept the babies which I feel is very unfair considering he was the one who didn’t want me to have the coil, he volunteered to have the snip yet never made the appointment because of his work and ultimately he got my pregnant (and yes this is now me feeling that I need to put the blame on him as I’m hurting)

(also DH has booked in for a vasectomy since this has happened- just a little too late 😩)

I don’t want to bring children into this world when my husband isn’t on board, I love him to much to do that to him and value our marriage more than anything and ofcourse it wouldn’t be fair on the babies either but my heart is breaking into a million pieces

I’m terrified of making the wrong decision as it’s something we can never go back on especially for the odds of this time being pregnant with twins
althoygb jumping from 3 to 5 children is just a lot! Do able, but that’s ALOT of children 🥴

I have an ‘unplanned pregnancy’ counselling session booked for next week, ironically in the morning before my afternoon appointment at the hospital to discuss which procedure I want to go ahead with

I’m not sure if I’m posting this for advice or trying to think out loud as my head over the past 2 weeks has been here there & everywhere and I’m now hanging on by a thread so apologies for the length of this post!

OP posts:
KimP85 · 20/02/2025 17:43

Me and my husband after our 4th child decided we were done, 4 was enough. He said he would have a vasectomy but never booked in, in the meantime I was on the mini pill and fell pregnant. It was a huge shock and I was thinking of terminating I actually felt depressed as I didn't know how I'd cope and all the changes. Things like bedroom space, a bigger car, my youngest not yet being one. A few weeks later though I actually realised I couldn't go through with it, forever not knowing the what ifs. My husband supported me though and like your husband booked in and had a vasectomy. And even though my now 7 year old has high functioning autism and is extremely hard work I don't regret my decision. He completed our family. And yes 5 kids is hard but it's just about getting in a good routine and I know I'm not really any help as you will have 2 babies to deal with but whatever your decision it will be hard either way sending my love to you. It's an incredibly hard decision.

CorduroySituation · 20/02/2025 17:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Righto. Jolly good.

Confused
CatCaretaker · 20/02/2025 17:53

CrescentMoonLanding · 20/02/2025 17:27

Oh dear I really feel for you OP. Not loving your husband for not wanting you to get the coil. Very odd.

It's a tough one. You don't know at this stage if the pregnancy will go to term. You could miscarry again. How would you feel if you lost the pregnancy?

Ps how can they know at 6 weeks that twins are non-identical?

Not relevant to you OP sorry, just answering the twin question. Yolk sacs, there will be 2 with non-identical twins.

discdiscsnap · 20/02/2025 17:54

So you know your dhs stance now you need to take him out the equation because if you follow his wishes and have an abortion when you don't want to you will resent him.

Take your time, talk to a counsellor and make the choice for you.

ScribblingPixie · 20/02/2025 17:56

discdiscsnap · 20/02/2025 17:54

So you know your dhs stance now you need to take him out the equation because if you follow his wishes and have an abortion when you don't want to you will resent him.

Take your time, talk to a counsellor and make the choice for you.

I completely agree with this. Follow your own instincts, OP.

RaininSummer · 20/02/2025 17:59

I think unless you did want a very large family and will be able to cope with the finances inc supporting uni etc if needed then you think carefully. Also consider how you would cope as a single parent in case it happens. How will it impact your current children and your husband.

WillIEverBeOk · 20/02/2025 18:05

Why hasn't he done the responsible thing and stepped up and had a Vasectomy? If he didn't use a condom then he MEANT to create a baby.

Keep the babies and ditch the irresponsible husband.

Unpaidviewer · 20/02/2025 18:06

You were given loads of good advice on your other thread OP. Personally I think your priority should be your current DCs. You don't have the money or the space for 2 more children.

Endofyear · 20/02/2025 18:09

I don't think anyone can advise you really - it's a huge, difficult and personal decision. Can you talk to your husband and explain how heartbroken you feel at the thought of an abortion? Will you feel the same way about him if he insists he doesn't want to continue the pregnancy? Do you think it will end the marriage if you keep the babies? That will obviously effect your existing children massively.

I'm so sorry you're having to make this decision 😔

MyUmberSeal · 20/02/2025 18:09

WillIEverBeOk · 20/02/2025 18:05

Why hasn't he done the responsible thing and stepped up and had a Vasectomy? If he didn't use a condom then he MEANT to create a baby.

Keep the babies and ditch the irresponsible husband.

Er yeah of course it’s all his fault. Sweet Jesus, men get a raw deal on this site.

WillIEverBeOk · 20/02/2025 18:12

MyUmberSeal · 20/02/2025 18:09

Er yeah of course it’s all his fault. Sweet Jesus, men get a raw deal on this site.

Show quote history

Raw deal? Wthe absolute F? She CARRIED AND BIRTHED HIS CHILDREN, risked her health in pregnancy and her life in childbirth. Three times. He can't do one fucking tiny thing that takes all of 20 minutes? You're not being real! Its the WOMEN who get the raw deal while men have minutes of fun and get off (literally) scott free.

LondonPapa · 20/02/2025 18:13

Candlesandmatches · 20/02/2025 17:08

Keep your babies. Husbands reaction is likely shock and stress.
Why will he be miserable if you have the babies? That’s an odd thing to say.
It sounds like you don’t want to have an abortion. Find ppl in real life that will support you to keep your babies.
He can make his choices. But he will be more miserable with a wife you regrets her abortion.
Its perfectly ok for you to change your mind

It isn’t odd to think someone would be miserable if they had twins. Twins are hard work and husband doesn’t want more kids. OP doesn’t sound like she did either until she found out it was twins.

I’d be miserable if I had 3-kids and then twins as a surprise. Can’t imagine anything worse as the kids are starting to get independent to head back to the start with twins.

LondonPapa · 20/02/2025 18:15

WillIEverBeOk · 20/02/2025 18:05

Why hasn't he done the responsible thing and stepped up and had a Vasectomy? If he didn't use a condom then he MEANT to create a baby.

Keep the babies and ditch the irresponsible husband.

Christ. So have 3-existing kids plus twins and a divorce so she’s a single mum of 5? Aren’t you the best advice giver. What a stupid suggestion. I hope no one listens to your advice IRL if it is the same here. Absolutely terrible.

Digdongdoo · 20/02/2025 18:17

As per the other identical thread, you cant afford 5 children. You have no real plan to provide for them all, nor how you might manage should your DH decide he wants out of being dad to 5 (it happens, lots).
You really need a practical plan for how you will transport, house and provide for 5 children should you have them. You need eyes wide open, not the rosy tinted wishy washy it will all work out. Plan for the worst, hope for the best.

WillIEverBeOk · 20/02/2025 18:18

LondonPapa · 20/02/2025 18:15

Christ. So have 3-existing kids plus twins and a divorce so she’s a single mum of 5? Aren’t you the best advice giver. What a stupid suggestion. I hope no one listens to your advice IRL if it is the same here. Absolutely terrible.

Show quote history

Many others are saying the same thing I am. If she is not comfortable aborting then she shouldn't have idiots like you trying to tell her to.

MyUmberSeal · 20/02/2025 18:19

WillIEverBeOk · 20/02/2025 18:12

Raw deal? Wthe absolute F? She CARRIED AND BIRTHED HIS CHILDREN, risked her health in pregnancy and her life in childbirth. Three times. He can't do one fucking tiny thing that takes all of 20 minutes? You're not being real! Its the WOMEN who get the raw deal while men have minutes of fun and get off (literally) scott free.

Show quote history

Nope, standby my comment, and I’m glad someone else has called you out on it too. As biology dictates that the onus is on women, they are the ones that become pregnant after all… it stands to reason that we don’t have sex when we don’t want to fall pregnant. It’s not ideal, but it’s a fact.

Nevertheless I hope the OP can make a decision she is at peace with.

Hesdefinitelygettingthesnip · 20/02/2025 18:20

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I recently found myself in a similar one, hence the username.

It was far from easy but I ended up deciding against continuing. I felt my current children's needs would be compromised, I realized I'd have been totally overwhelmed and with that ran the risk of ruining an amazing relationship. I also understood that my hormones were kicking in and causing me to think in an irrational way (I e wanting to keep the baby.

FWIW I never thought I'd make the decision I did. I fell pregnant with my first at 20 whilst at university as I genuinely could not come to terms with ending the pregnancy. However, times changed and I genuinely valued the importance of my 2 children's current well-being as opposed to something that wasn't in existence.

All the best on whatever you decide, just be aware of your hormones. I have zero regret besides the fact that it ever happened.

WillIEverBeOk · 20/02/2025 18:21

LondonPapa · 20/02/2025 18:13

It isn’t odd to think someone would be miserable if they had twins. Twins are hard work and husband doesn’t want more kids. OP doesn’t sound like she did either until she found out it was twins.

I’d be miserable if I had 3-kids and then twins as a surprise. Can’t imagine anything worse as the kids are starting to get independent to head back to the start with twins.

Show quote history

By the sound of you you'd be miserable having any kids even 1.

Oh and maybe you should have actually read the OP instead of lashing out at people, she had second thoughts BEFORE she even had the appointment or knew they were twins.

*A few days pass and it brought on lots of guilt and the start of my sadness, especially as my symptoms started to kick in and now I’m questioning what the right thing to do is, do we expand our family and adjust or continue to abort?!

The day before I was due my first appointment at the hospital I was extremely distressed, I have had 2 miscarriages in the past so I knew what to expect as far as passing the pregnancy was going to be as one of my miscarriages hospitalised me as not all the pregnancy cleared so I had the pill which also failed and then had to have the suction so it’s all very triggering and I know what’s going to happen with both methods*

Thornybush · 20/02/2025 18:21

I think you know in your heart that you want to keep your babies OP. 30+ years ago 5 would have been the average amount of children. It's not all about money. As long as you can feed and clothe them I don't see the issue. You'll have all the know - it - alls coming and telling you that you won't afford 5 uni fees, 5 house deposits, and 5 cars but none of us got those things either and we got by! I know a few families with 5 dc and they seem really close. Best of luck.

WillIEverBeOk · 20/02/2025 18:22

MyUmberSeal · 20/02/2025 18:19

Nope, standby my comment, and I’m glad someone else has called you out on it too. As biology dictates that the onus is on women, they are the ones that become pregnant after all… it stands to reason that we don’t have sex when we don’t want to fall pregnant. It’s not ideal, but it’s a fact.

Nevertheless I hope the OP can make a decision she is at peace with.

Show quote history

It is the MALE that inseminates the female. The male is the one who gets the woman pregnant. You're being misogynistic and trying to excuse the male from any responsibility and putting it 100% squarely on the woman. Thankfully, most of us don't share that misogynistic and outdated view.

WillIEverBeOk · 20/02/2025 18:23

Thornybush · 20/02/2025 18:21

I think you know in your heart that you want to keep your babies OP. 30+ years ago 5 would have been the average amount of children. It's not all about money. As long as you can feed and clothe them I don't see the issue. You'll have all the know - it - alls coming and telling you that you won't afford 5 uni fees, 5 house deposits, and 5 cars but none of us got those things either and we got by! I know a few families with 5 dc and they seem really close. Best of luck.

Hear hear!

BettyButtersBatter · 20/02/2025 18:23

Another thread about another thread? You clearly want everyone to say have the babies, so have the babies!

LondonPapa · 20/02/2025 18:25

WillIEverBeOk · 20/02/2025 18:18

Many others are saying the same thing I am. If she is not comfortable aborting then she shouldn't have idiots like you trying to tell her to.

Show quote history

Yes and all are idiots. I’m not. It is truly idiotic to have 5-kids and be a single mum. She cannot afford to do that. She has a ‘hobby’ career. She’ll be completely ruined from financials to physical.

TunipTheVegimal24 · 20/02/2025 18:26

Don't ever have an abortion, if you don't want one.

If you are bonded with the twins, or the idea of them, I really think you will regret it. MN seems to always talk about abortion almost flippantly, as if it's an "easy" option, but it might not be, for an individual, for all sorts of reasons. Those reasons are valid.

You may of may not have to do it alone (hopefully not), but if it's not what YOU want, please don't be railroaded by your husband or anyone else x

Iloveyoubut · 20/02/2025 18:28

O can only give my own experience for what it’s worth. I had a termination that I didn’t want to have because my husband said he wasn’t ready to have children. It was awful for me because I didn’t want to, I was young and I resented him afterwards. We went on to have a child but I could never look at him the same way afterwards and I resented him and we spilt up. He went on to remarry and have multiple children and I didn’t have anymore. I just couldn’t come back from it because I didn’t want to do it. If I’d wanted to terminate it would have been completely different. It was hard to come back from for me. Only my experience but thought it was worth sharing. X