Pregnant with 'oops' twins & 3 DC

[RM24]

Hello, I am currently in the very early stages of pregnancy (6+2w) and have had confirmed with a scan that I am in-fact pregnant with twins (DCDA - they have their own sac and placenta). This pregnancy wasn't planned, I already have 3 DC (12, 9 & 3)
DH doesn't want to go ahead with the pregnancy (this was before I had my scan which was at the gynae clinic as a termination was/is planned, something I wasn't 100% on doing and its heartbreaking but knew it was probably best for our family finically wise)

But strangely now knowing there is a possibility of having twins I know in my heart of hearts I want to carry on with this pregnancy (Im not holding my breath as I have had two miscarriages in the past at 7w & 9w so being very optimistic about this and knowing that not all twin pregnancies progress)

I just want to know I am making the right choice, I feel that twins is a blessing and the chances of me falling pregnant were very very slim and I am a huge believer in everything happens for a reason and now being told this news its making me question if I was destined to be a mum of 5 all along! (lol what?!) as I have always said with my other pregnancies, "how exciting if it would be twins!" 5 children just comes with lots of adjustments such as bigger car, the bedroom situation is also another big factor and of course affordability. (DH works full time and I'm self employed and run my own small business)

Im not naive, i know twins must be extremely hard work as well as having 3 children but i just believe you learn to adapt, and my eldest would love to be hands on and offer a helping hand every now and again.
I just have to try and get my husband on board but out of any relationship i cherish the most, it is ours and I would be terrified to push this on him and pay for the consequences later down the line with us not having a great relationship.

Please can I ask for anyones advise, I haven't told anyone due to us potentially not going ahead with the pregnancy as its not something I am proud of and it breaks my heart thinking about doing so, so I would rather have advise anonymously

Thankyou for your time!
x

And you need to have a plan in place if he does. Hope for the best and plan for the worst is good general life advice.

Seven people in a three-bedroom does not sound like a good situation for your existing children.

And seven people being crammed into a three bed semi will also impact the whole family, and could well be devastating - what if one or both of the twins is autistic, for example?

What if they are the mother’s priority along with wanting to protect the children she is currently incubating alongside her own wellbeing? All those things are possible to run concurrently. These arguments are always so polarised whereas the reality of most things are most situations are nuanced and complex.

Happened to a family in this village. Their biggest issue was transport, IIRC. GPs relocated from a distance to live locally and help out with childcare. Used to see all seven of the family chugging around the area in a VW crew van with three rows of seats. Sadly, don't think the marriage survived the stress: I think finances were badly stretched. Depends v much on your circumstances and only you'll know that.

No, this thread is full of posters urging OP to consider the impact on her three existing, living, breathing children, who have to come first.

Im not playing the ‘what if’ game with you.

Have pm ed you

And what about the welfare of her existing children? Do they deserve any consideration, do you think? If life gets “very hard” for OP, I think it will be “very hard” for them too. When you become a parent you don’t always get to put yourself first and OP does need to think about whether she (and her DH) can adequately parent and provide for all their children if she continues this pregnancy. It’s not all about “being true to yourself” and your wants, if those things can be damaging to your children.

I’m not saying OP can’t or wouldn’t cope and provide for all her children adequately if she continues with this pregnancy. If she can, she makes the choice best for her and there is no downside (other than potential issues within her marriage). I’m saying she absolutely has to consider wider factors than whether she would like to continue the pregnancy in an ideal world.

You’ve been heard. You’ve all shouted loud enough for everyone to hear.

I think what most people are trying to emphasise is that it isn’t just about her. Which is fair enough, because it isn’t. It’s also not fair to dismiss her feelings as meaningless, I grant you.

The other thing to seriously consider is what would happen if this broke up your relationship? What would your life and your kids life look like as a single parent of 5 children? Could you afford it (the reality is that you would make do, because everyone does, but with small twins and having no other parent there to help, how would you run your business? How would this impact your ability to fund things like extracurricular activities/holidays for all the kids? Saying that no more expensive fancy holidays is one thing, but if you would struggle to pay for your older kids' hobbies, or a whole family holiday, then you need to consider the impact on them as well.

Clearly being pushed into having a termination if you don't want it will only fuel resentment, but you should be realistic about the consequences of keeping the babies as well.

I hope you are able to make the decision that is right for you and your current kids(whatever that decision is)

I think people often assume they have to be happy about this decision. You don't.
You can decide what's right but still be unhappy about it.
It just has to be an unhappiness you can live with.
I think it sounds like the unhappiness caused by the pressure of twins is the unhappiness the op wants to live with. Rather than the unhappiness of terminating a twin pregnancy.

And she does come first. Because it's her body. Nobody else's.

@LolaPeony Your argument is fundamentally flawed by your use of the words 'existing' to describe the children who have been born, when the OP's unborn twins equally exist (they are not non-existent, they still survive in her womb), and 'potential people', her unborn human beings, people. This is a biological fact, they are as human as you and I. Being 'born or unborn' does not biologically detract from this.

For reference - the following is the description of a six week foetus: 'Your little one’s face is taking shape this week, with cheeks, chin and jaws beginning to form' (from What To Expect). This certainly doesn't sound like any 'clump of cells' that I came across during my medical degree!

I'm not sure why you believe the size of house should factor as a matter of relevance in determining a family's size. I have four children in a three bed house, and we manage perfectly. My mother was one of five in a three bed house, and they also managed perfectly. Or are you now suggesting that larger families should be a preserve of the rich? How many people can truly afford five-six bed houses? Another eugenics based assertion.

I don’t get the impression that OP is the kind of person who would terminate on the basis of a straw poll on the internet. To her credit she does seem to be considering the matter far more carefully than that.

You are wavering because its a twin pregnancy and you've always thought it would be exciting to have twins. Firstly, know that this happening after wondering if previous pregnancies might be twins is not the universe telling you you're meant to be a mum of twins. I think the possibility of twins crosses the minds of a lot of pregnant women with a little frisson of excitement if it were to be the case. This is because society has always made a fuss of twins, seeing them as very special and conjuring up images of cutely matching pairs; not because it's all our destinies. I think you need to think really hard and honestly and identify why exactly twins changes things. Why you want twins when you had decided against a single baby. Then ruthlessly examine your reasoning to seperate what's whimsical fantasy and what's a genuine desire to raise an additional two children.

God exactly this. Some vile people on this thread.

It would be a terrible shock for me but I always wanted a large family and I agree OP that something about twins would sway me. Also as an aside we DO have five kids, and contrary to beliefs on this thread, life is okay...in fact, it's better than okay. Plenty of people have larger families and the world doesn't stop spinning.

I've also had an abortion when I didn't want one and that has never left me. If you go down that route it MUST be your decision and I'm sorry but yours only. It barely affects the man, that much is true.

I'm not sure why you believe the size of house should factor as a matter of relevance in determining a family's size. I have four children in a three bed house, and we manage perfectly. My mother was one of five in a three bed house, and they also managed perfectly. Or are you now suggesting that larger families should be a preserve of the rich? How many people can truly afford five-six bed houses? Another eugenics based assertion.

@ElsaLion There's a MN belief that it's pretty much tantamount to child abuse should you expect children to share a bedroom.

True. But then that’s the same energy we need if (IF) she tries to get her older kids to take on parenting responsibilities - her body, her choice, and very much her (and the father’s) responsibility.

I could not cope but I am not you. I also don't believe "that everything happens for a reason". It may be comforting when we are facing challenges but it has no logic. That aside, only you and your partner can work out what is best for your family's future.

Her two older children are at risk of not being able to study effectively for their GCSES and A-levels, because they live in a noisy, overcrowded house where children with a six year age gap are stuck sharing. They’re at risk of not getting the attention and help they need during the challenging teen years because their mother is wrangling toddlers and their dad is working all hours to fund the family.

They’re at risk of not being able to come home during or after university, because there’s no room for them, and being forced into expensive flatshares where they can’t save for a deposit. They’re at risk of getting no financial help with university, because their parents are too stretched.

They’re at risk of parentification, being emotionally pressured into helping to raise their younger siblings, giving up time with friends to babysit.

Weird assumption to make. I had a baby when my DD was 14. She has NEVER taken on parenting responsibilities, why would she, she's not a parent?! I've never once used her as free childcare or babysitting. Now she is an adult, if she babysits, I pay her.