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Original poster

Pregnant with 'oops' twins & 3 DC

447 replies

RM24 · 19/02/2025 10:20

Hello, I am currently in the very early stages of pregnancy (6+2w) and have had confirmed with a scan that I am in-fact pregnant with twins (DCDA - they have their own sac and placenta). This pregnancy wasn't planned, I already have 3 DC (12, 9 & 3)
DH doesn't want to go ahead with the pregnancy (this was before I had my scan which was at the gynae clinic as a termination was/is planned, something I wasn't 100% on doing and its heartbreaking but knew it was probably best for our family finically wise)

But strangely now knowing there is a possibility of having twins I know in my heart of hearts I want to carry on with this pregnancy (Im not holding my breath as I have had two miscarriages in the past at 7w & 9w so being very optimistic about this and knowing that not all twin pregnancies progress)

I just want to know I am making the right choice, I feel that twins is a blessing and the chances of me falling pregnant were very very slim and I am a huge believer in everything happens for a reason and now being told this news its making me question if I was destined to be a mum of 5 all along! (lol what?!) as I have always said with my other pregnancies, "how exciting if it would be twins!" 5 children just comes with lots of adjustments such as bigger car, the bedroom situation is also another big factor and of course affordability. (DH works full time and I'm self employed and run my own small business)

Im not naive, i know twins must be extremely hard work as well as having 3 children but i just believe you learn to adapt, and my eldest would love to be hands on and offer a helping hand every now and again.
I just have to try and get my husband on board but out of any relationship i cherish the most, it is ours and I would be terrified to push this on him and pay for the consequences later down the line with us not having a great relationship.

Please can I ask for anyones advise, I haven't told anyone due to us potentially not going ahead with the pregnancy as its not something I am proud of and it breaks my heart thinking about doing so, so I would rather have advise anonymously

Thankyou for your time!
x

OP posts:
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Ellaelle · 19/02/2025 13:02

Your Body your choice my dear. Perhaps hubby should consider a vasectomy

Rizzla · 19/02/2025 13:02

loropianalover · 19/02/2025 10:37

It’s a lovely idea but if DH was not even on board with one more child/it’s a surprise pregnancy, then it’s no surprise he’s not on board with two. 2 more kids will change things for everyone - will your older kids have to share bedrooms now, will you still be able to afford all of their hobbies, will you be able to help 5 kids with uni costs, will you be able to afford braces? Will the older kids be bored silly sitting in soft plays on a Saturday because they have younger siblings? Will your 12 and 9 year old spend their teen years ‘helping’ and babysitting three younger siblings? Will you be able to afford a new car so the whole family can do days out together, will you be able to afford summer holidays/family weekends?

Is this worth your marriage ending? How would you do all of their above plus be a single mum of 5?

You don’t have to answer all of these questions on the thread but definitely lots to think about.

Braces and hobbies over two human lives is one of the saddest things I’ve ever read.

ElsaLion · 19/02/2025 13:02

@Hoplolly Tell me about it, when the rest of society and the world seem to manage much larger families in far smaller and more substandard accommodation!

commonsense61 · 19/02/2025 13:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

PaintCatsPaint · 19/02/2025 13:04

@Hoplolly Not a weird assumption at all. It happened to me. As another poster delighted in telling me upthread, it happens ‘all over the country’. If you’re not doing it then great, well done you. But plenty do, and it’s abusive.

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 19/02/2025 13:05

How does your husband feel now you know it's twins? Would that change his mind?

You are young and I think you would manage with 2 more as yours aren't really young.

You have already thought about the logistics of how it would work.

Personally, if I was in your position I would, I would go ahead, but thats because I have sort of been in your position previously and still feel like I made the wrong decision and we are talking like 17 years ago, I still feel guilt and the what ifs.

A termination is one you will live with forever and are you mentally strong enough to deal with that?

loropianalover · 19/02/2025 13:05

Rizzla · 19/02/2025 13:02

Braces and hobbies over two human lives is one of the saddest things I’ve ever read.

Show quote history

It is sad, but it’s life. Part of being a parent is looking forward, planning, making hard choices. Nobody said it was easy or that there would always be a ‘correct’ choice.

LolaPeony · 19/02/2025 13:05

ElsaLion · 19/02/2025 12:57

@LolaPeony Your argument is fundamentally flawed by your use of the words 'existing' to describe the children who have been born, when the OP's unborn twins equally exist (they are not non-existent, they still survive in her womb), and 'potential people', her unborn human beings, people. This is a biological fact, they are as human as you and I. Being 'born or unborn' does not biologically detract from this.

For reference - the following is the description of a six week foetus: 'Your little one’s face is taking shape this week, with cheeks, chin and jaws beginning to form' (from What To Expect). This certainly doesn't sound like any 'clump of cells' that I came across during my medical degree!

I'm not sure why you believe the size of house should factor as a matter of relevance in determining a family's size. I have four children in a three bed house, and we manage perfectly. My mother was one of five in a three bed house, and they also managed perfectly. Or are you now suggesting that larger families should be a preserve of the rich? How many people can truly afford five-six bed houses? Another eugenics based assertion.

For reference - the following is the description of a six week foetus: 'Your little one’s face is taking shape this week, with cheeks, chin and jaws beginning to form' (from What To Expect). This certainly doesn't sound like any 'clump of cells' that I came across during my medical degree!

I’ve seen a miscarried foetus quite a bit older than six weeks and I can tell you that it didn’t look human in the slightest!

DelilahRay · 19/02/2025 13:06

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lovemycbf · 19/02/2025 13:07

It's a really hard decision for you but one thing I'd know for sure is I'd ask my husband to get a vasectomy so this isn't going to happen again as it's an emotional thing to have to decide

DelilahRay · 19/02/2025 13:07

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Withdrawn at the request of the user.

ElsaLion · 19/02/2025 13:08

@LolaPeony What do you define as 'looking like a human'? If an unborn child doesn't have two arms and legs, and a perfectly defined face, they aren't human? I assume you believe the victims of thalidomide are 'inhuman' too? Do you truly, solely define humanity on physical appearance and form?

Frenchbluesea · 19/02/2025 13:08

LolaPeony · 19/02/2025 12:49

Bringing twins into the world to punish her husband - certainly a great foundation for a healthy marriage!

Show quote history

She’s not having twins to punish her husband. She’s having twins because she wants them.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 19/02/2025 13:08

Get husband to get booked in for a vasectomy either way ... thus is your sixth pregnancy and whatever you decide another one is not part of a solution.

PaintCatsPaint · 19/02/2025 13:09

@DelilahRay I guess because she invited opinion? Her husband not being able to cope and her kids resenting her are possible outcomes of going ahead with the pregnancy, sadly. There’s no need for people to be dicks about it, though, granted. OP is at least trying to think about this rationally, which is more than some people would do. Personally, I hope whatever she decides both she and her family are happy and thriving.

Porcuporpoise · 19/02/2025 13:09

ElsaLion · 19/02/2025 12:57

@LolaPeony Your argument is fundamentally flawed by your use of the words 'existing' to describe the children who have been born, when the OP's unborn twins equally exist (they are not non-existent, they still survive in her womb), and 'potential people', her unborn human beings, people. This is a biological fact, they are as human as you and I. Being 'born or unborn' does not biologically detract from this.

For reference - the following is the description of a six week foetus: 'Your little one’s face is taking shape this week, with cheeks, chin and jaws beginning to form' (from What To Expect). This certainly doesn't sound like any 'clump of cells' that I came across during my medical degree!

I'm not sure why you believe the size of house should factor as a matter of relevance in determining a family's size. I have four children in a three bed house, and we manage perfectly. My mother was one of five in a three bed house, and they also managed perfectly. Or are you now suggesting that larger families should be a preserve of the rich? How many people can truly afford five-six bed houses? Another eugenics based assertion.

My best friend was one of 4 children brought up in a 3 bed semi and she has a lot to say about how awful it was. Notably neither she nor any of her siblings have had more than 2 children.

This is not aimed at the OP who has a dining room that could be used as a bedroom btw

Winnie876 · 19/02/2025 13:10

Glorybox2025 · 19/02/2025 10:42

I am a huge believer in everything happens for a reason

I was going to list off a load of awful things that happen to people but given you're pregnant that seemed a bit unkind but honestly this is such a silly attitude. There is no designer of your life planning out challenges for some higher purpose. This hasn't happened for a 'reason' it's just a choice you need to make now - stick at 3 children or take the option of increasing to 5. Use your head to decide, talking about everything happening for a reason is just a way of avoiding using your head.

I agree with this re the saying "Everything happens for a reason". I am having a baby with a birth defect and I'm terrified they also have a chromosomal abnormality so I particularly dislike this saying now. I'm told it's just something that happens, much like twins. But I'm not spiritual really.

However, I can understand why things like this provide comfort and reassurance you're doing the right thing should you want to continue with the pregnancy.

Only you and your DH can decide. Sounds like you want them and could your marriage continue if he persuaded you to have an abortion you don't truly want anyway? I'd be thinking of my current three children as a priority.

Good luck OP. It must be so hard.

DelilahRay · 19/02/2025 13:10

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PaintCatsPaint · 19/02/2025 13:11

@DelilahRay True. Welcome to the internet though, I guess.

MrsRandom123 · 19/02/2025 13:12

Sorry not read full thread.

My 2nd pregnancy (planned) was twins and i only had a 4 year old at the time. It was HARD! Do you have family to help? I have no one & my husband is self employed so couldn’t just drop things to help, i am now a sahm. Both twins had reflux, wouldn’t sleep & never fed or did anything (toilet training, walking etc) at the same time. The first 1 years were utter hell for all of us as i obviously had another young child needing attention & feeding & playing with etc and i don’t know how i coped. We needed a new car, new pram, another car seat, another cot, LOTS of nappies it nearly crippled us financially and it also nearly broke our marriage as i resented him not being there & he resented being the sole earner & feeling the pressure to earn enough to keep our heads above water. As i said we planned the pregnancy and my husband was shocked but on board with twins & my other child excited by the idea but the reality was rough. Twin pregnancies can also be rough & often end up with a section as well or early birth (luckily mine didn’t need special care unit) so lots to think on. Ultimately, if your husband isn’t on board now there is a chance you could be a single mum to 5 down the line as we were previously happy with no issues. It got easier past the age of 3 & we did get back on track eventually but only after we were at the point of actually splitting. i wouldn’t change it now but i still look back and think “WTF”!

ultimately, only you know what the right thing to do is and whilst i personally i don’t think i could terminate as i couldn’t live with the guilt (i have made sure there can be no more babies for us!) it is the right decision for many and i think you really need to think it all through and be sure - tough road either way but from my experience it’s not easy - of course there will be some people will have had 2 easy babies and a lot of support and sailed through the early years but of all the twin mums i know we all agree it’s hard and exhausting and having one (or more) beforehand doesn’t prepare you for it and a few did split from their husbands as well.

PurpleFlower1983 · 19/02/2025 13:12

Only you know it this will work.

Could you continue to work with twins? Do you have the financial back up for mat leave?

Do you have enough bedrooms? Would some of your children be sharing in the future? is there space for 2 of everything? Cots etc?

Chipsahoy · 19/02/2025 13:12

I think it has to be your decision based on, can you live with yourself if you go through a termination? That’s not meant as judgment or criticism because I’m totally pro choice and it’s no one else’s business. I only say it, because you seem to want to go ahead with the pregnancy. I know we should think with our heads and not our hearts and that makes sense when planning children, but this carries the extra potential burden of trauma and regret if you do terminate. I guess what I’m saying is, if it was me and I was considering a termination and had any doubts, I wouldn’t go through with it.

rugrets · 19/02/2025 13:13

I have twins. Marriage didn't survive. I'd rather have my twins any day (and I do have other children) than my ex husband though.

Missj25 · 19/02/2025 13:13

Hey OP 🙂
Having read everyone’s advice , I really think Sassybooklover gives the best advice ..

I hope everything works out well for you OP x

2JFDIYOLO · 19/02/2025 13:14

Is your husband truly appalled and horrified at the thought? Or is it that he's needing a while getting his head round the idea? Deep discussion needed as to how you both feel about it, all the ins and outs.

(Was it really an oops - or were you hoping and helping the possibility along? As in do you totally want more children?)

Terminate because he wants you to athough you don't want to = lifelong resentment potential for you.

Go ahead because you want to although he doesn't = lifelong resentment potential for him.

And yes, you may not LIKE to think about that, but we aren't being unkind - just realistic.

There's a possibility that he might - might - absolutely adore them. Or not. And they'll know.

Your 9 and 12 year old - there's the possibility they'll become default babysitters etc at a time when they need your attention, not feel they should be attending to babies/toddlers. This does happen in larger families and can be lovely - and can be resented.

7 in a 3 bed house and no extra salary will be hard. Always. I don't know how much it costs to bring up a child but it's going to be a lot. Can you? Really? Truthfully?

Maybe time to switch off Mumsnet and have a very very long talk with him.