Pregnant with 'oops' twins & 3 DC

[RM24]

Hello, I am currently in the very early stages of pregnancy (6+2w) and have had confirmed with a scan that I am in-fact pregnant with twins (DCDA - they have their own sac and placenta). This pregnancy wasn't planned, I already have 3 DC (12, 9 & 3)
DH doesn't want to go ahead with the pregnancy (this was before I had my scan which was at the gynae clinic as a termination was/is planned, something I wasn't 100% on doing and its heartbreaking but knew it was probably best for our family finically wise)

But strangely now knowing there is a possibility of having twins I know in my heart of hearts I want to carry on with this pregnancy (Im not holding my breath as I have had two miscarriages in the past at 7w & 9w so being very optimistic about this and knowing that not all twin pregnancies progress)

I just want to know I am making the right choice, I feel that twins is a blessing and the chances of me falling pregnant were very very slim and I am a huge believer in everything happens for a reason and now being told this news its making me question if I was destined to be a mum of 5 all along! (lol what?!) as I have always said with my other pregnancies, "how exciting if it would be twins!" 5 children just comes with lots of adjustments such as bigger car, the bedroom situation is also another big factor and of course affordability. (DH works full time and I'm self employed and run my own small business)

Im not naive, i know twins must be extremely hard work as well as having 3 children but i just believe you learn to adapt, and my eldest would love to be hands on and offer a helping hand every now and again.
I just have to try and get my husband on board but out of any relationship i cherish the most, it is ours and I would be terrified to push this on him and pay for the consequences later down the line with us not having a great relationship.

Please can I ask for anyones advise, I haven't told anyone due to us potentially not going ahead with the pregnancy as its not something I am proud of and it breaks my heart thinking about doing so, so I would rather have advise anonymously

Thankyou for your time!
x

Go ahead with the pregnancy OP.

@LolaPeony Her unborn twins are also 'existing' and alive.

I think if you really wanted to do it you need to consider if you could do it alone. As supportive as your husband might say he will be the chances of this effecting your marriage is very high. You have to look at the worst case scenario, could you handle being a single mum to 5?

It depends on the babies I think. I have 6 month old twins and they’re fine, very chill, keep themselves entertained and sleep through the night. However when they are toddlers it will probably be a totally different story 😂😂

They exist as clumps of cells only. They are not people in any practical, legal or moral sense. You’re spouting anti-choice bullshit.

I would not terminate unless I was 100% sure. If you see this pregnancy as a blessing you may live with regret for the rest of your life if you terminate. Plenty of people manage with 5 children, I'm sure it will be very tough but will also be full of moments of joy and love. Explain how you feel to your DH, I hope you can both come to a decision together.

Like it doesn’t happen in loads of families all over the country. I don’t agree with it but it’s hardly abuse now, is it? 🙄

Hi OP just make sure that you're thinking with your head as well as your heart.

It doesn't really sound logical that you thought that terminating one baby was the best thing for the family and finances, but that doesn't seem to apply now there is the possibility of 2 babies.

You say "But strangely now knowing there is a possibility of having twins I know in my heart of hearts I want to carry on with this pregnancy". It does sound a bit like because it's twins, you're letting feelings override your other thinking, and I think you know this, given you yourself have described it as strange.

I don't understand why, because of all the financial concerns etc, you considered a termination for one child but not now it's two. I'd have assumed that's even more reason to go ahead.

It's obviously your decision but I think going ahead with having twins could potentially break your marriage.

Please don't shoot me down here, but I've a number of friends who have had terminations. A couple found it upsetting but the majority felt like a weight was lifted off their shoulders.

Only you can decide.

@LolaPeony Ah the classic 'clumps of cells' argument that tries to detach women from reality of foetal development and growth. Why do you bear such a hatred towards larger families? You mention 'anti-choice', yet that seems to align with your approach - resentment of anyone who 'chooses' to have more than one child.

Please don’t terminate if you don’t want to in your heart of hearts.

i am pregnant with oops baby 3 and my husband initially said no way. I felt so depressed/suicidal. I organised some joint counselling so we could both relate to each other a bit more - after the counselling I softened to his point of view and he softens to mine. It helped us connect as people not rivals

Yes, parentification is abuse. Having more kids than you can handle and then forcing your pre-teen and teenage daughters (because let’s be realistic, it’s always the daughters) to give up their childhoods to raise those kids, is abuse.

There is extensive literature available about the long term harm this causes.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2022/sep/20/parentified-child-behave-like-adult

https://www.newportacademy.com/resources/mental-health/parentification/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/matter-personality/201601/neglectful-parents-and-eldest-siblings

@FairyBlueEyes The fact that it happens all over the country all the time doesn’t change the fact that yes, it is abuse.

@LolaPeony Thank you. I was the parentified child and it has had a massive impact on my mental health throughout my life. But that’s anecdotal. The point you raise is key - there is research that shows just how damaging it is.

Financially stretched means your children all will have a bad quality of life. I think is selfish as they will be the ones suffering. However, of course going through a termination is awful too. What a dilemma 🥲

Ah OP that's tough. I have 3 kids and I would be floored if I found out I was pg with 2 more but would absolutely be torn like you. The reality is though, we are maxed out, firstly financially, I mean we cover our bills, the kids do what they like to do, we have a a family car, a 3 bed, UK only holidays with not a lot left over..I don't think I could risk what we have for more. Secondly, emotionally, it's tough being pulled in three directions, I only have 2 hands, my eldest has homework, my 2 year old needs her bum changed, all the while my 5 year old wants to play crocodile dentist.. it's often overwhelming because I'm trying to make sure I'm not always saying "hang on" to the same child. I think you really need to think about not just want 2 people would add to your family, but what they'd also take away? If you find you would be saying no to those extra swimming lessons, no to the branded trainers they reeeeally want, it may become miserable for everyone? Handhold though op because I would also find this very difficult to decide ❤️

“The accepted punishment for not having a vasectomy is having to provide for two kids”. I’m saying yes it is. Husband didn’t have vasectomy. Pregnancy is a possibility if you have sex. It’s very simple

Don't give up your babies if in your heart of hearts you want them. The husband might leave. Life will almost certainly be challenging. Be true to who you are.

I certainly do not resent people having more than one child - I have three myself.

I have nothing against large families, where the parents have adequate resources to provide for all of their children. If OP lived in a five or six bedroom house, I’d be telling her to crack on.

And re the ‘clumps of cells’, if OP was hit by a drunk driver and killed tomorrow, the person who hit her would only be charged with one count of death by dangerous driving. Until the twins are outside her body and have taken their first breaths, they are not people. That is legal fact.

It’s also a moral reality, which you understand too, even if you pretend you don’t. If you had to choose between saving a three year old and an embryo from a fire, you would save the three year old.

The rights of existing people outweigh the rights of potential people. OP’s existing children should come first in this decision, but she doesn’t seem to be factoring them in at all. She hasn’t elaborated on long term plans for bedroom sharing, how she will support them all through uni, helping with house deposits in the future etc.

Much as you are right, he is equally responsible, men can and often do walk away from children they don't want to varying extents. And there's not really anything women can do about it. It would be wise to at least consider the possibility that this might happen.

Bringing twins into the world to punish her husband - certainly a great foundation for a healthy marriage!

Good luck OP, no one can tell you you're making the right choice, it needs to come from you. I was in your position and I made the decision not to go ahead as I was really at my limit emotionally, practically, and we didn't have enough room. I didn't ask anyone's advice because I didn't want to feel swayed by anything and later 'blame' other people for whatever choice I made. I know people with fewer children, people with more children..it isn't something someone else can tell you, it's you and your family and what you can handle.

The impact an abortion will have on a woman who wants to keep two babies will be devastating and that too will impact the whole family.

Your priority must be your existing living walking breathing children

From what I can see, you want these babies. From what I can see, your husband would not leave you for having these babies. And I am not sure it would be my top consideration in your shoes anyway. Callous people don't deserve our respect. If he is not callous then he will honour his word. It takes two to make a baby. Abortion isn't meant to exist for convenience. It is meant to exist for clinical need. In your case, I think your mental health would suffer more from having an abortion than from having the twins. But maybe I am projecting, because I know in your shoes I could not and would not go ahead. Like you said, I would adapt.