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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Pregnant with 'oops' twins & 3 DC

447 replies

RM24 · 19/02/2025 10:20

Hello, I am currently in the very early stages of pregnancy (6+2w) and have had confirmed with a scan that I am in-fact pregnant with twins (DCDA - they have their own sac and placenta). This pregnancy wasn't planned, I already have 3 DC (12, 9 & 3)
DH doesn't want to go ahead with the pregnancy (this was before I had my scan which was at the gynae clinic as a termination was/is planned, something I wasn't 100% on doing and its heartbreaking but knew it was probably best for our family finically wise)

But strangely now knowing there is a possibility of having twins I know in my heart of hearts I want to carry on with this pregnancy (Im not holding my breath as I have had two miscarriages in the past at 7w & 9w so being very optimistic about this and knowing that not all twin pregnancies progress)

I just want to know I am making the right choice, I feel that twins is a blessing and the chances of me falling pregnant were very very slim and I am a huge believer in everything happens for a reason and now being told this news its making me question if I was destined to be a mum of 5 all along! (lol what?!) as I have always said with my other pregnancies, "how exciting if it would be twins!" 5 children just comes with lots of adjustments such as bigger car, the bedroom situation is also another big factor and of course affordability. (DH works full time and I'm self employed and run my own small business)

Im not naive, i know twins must be extremely hard work as well as having 3 children but i just believe you learn to adapt, and my eldest would love to be hands on and offer a helping hand every now and again.
I just have to try and get my husband on board but out of any relationship i cherish the most, it is ours and I would be terrified to push this on him and pay for the consequences later down the line with us not having a great relationship.

Please can I ask for anyones advise, I haven't told anyone due to us potentially not going ahead with the pregnancy as its not something I am proud of and it breaks my heart thinking about doing so, so I would rather have advise anonymously

Thankyou for your time!
x

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
LolaPeony · 19/02/2025 12:19

FairyBlueEyes · 19/02/2025 12:16

She clearly wants the babies therefore she will regret aborting them.
She has children already so I doubt she will regret having them.

Sure, she won’t regret it at all 5 years down the line when she has two moody teenagers and three boisterous pre-teens crammed into a three-bed semi…

FairyBlueEyes · 19/02/2025 12:19

RM24 · 19/02/2025 12:09

This decision isn't anything I'm proud of or wanted to happen, I wake up everyday wishing this wasn't happening and that I didn't have the weight of this decision on my shoulders, but it is happening and im trying to get a feel of both situations. I may have worded things incorrectly in my original post and yes i have made it sound like a 'fairy tale' but to have the negativity and making me feel like a fool for even starting this thread is madness! There is no need to word things so harshly. I have my children's best interest at heart, of course I do but we are all walking this earth for the first time although some further ahead than others, everything is still a learning curve!
Although some comments have been horrible I have taken points out of them but to say my husband will leave me and my other kids will resent me is so unnecessary 🙄

Ignore them, OP.
So many nasty people on here these days, mn really should clamp down on them.

Icedpumpkinspicelatte · 19/02/2025 12:20

the chances of me falling pregnant were very very slim

How so? You have had three children already so chances weren't very very slim unless you had the coil. The only one to blame is your husband who should've had a vasectomy after your third child. You'll need a bigger house as a three bed isn't big enough for a family of seven. At least the older two are more independent.

Ang3leyes · 19/02/2025 12:20

You can get your oldest to help with the younger ones and then you can deal with the twins

FairyBlueEyes · 19/02/2025 12:21

LolaPeony · 19/02/2025 12:19

Sure, she won’t regret it at all 5 years down the line when she has two moody teenagers and three boisterous pre-teens crammed into a three-bed semi…

No, why should she? Back in the real world people live happy lives like this all the time. Family is worth more than your enormous salaries and mansions that Mumsnet seem to revolve their worlds around.

LolaPeony · 19/02/2025 12:21

Ang3leyes · 19/02/2025 12:20

You can get your oldest to help with the younger ones and then you can deal with the twins

Parentifying her teenage daughter because she has more kids than she can cope with?

MeanMrMustardSeed · 19/02/2025 12:23

I have literally no idea why posters are encouraging you to think with your head, and take your heart out of it. Of course, it’s an emotional decision - family and children and pregnancy are very emotional things. You are already pregnant with these children, so to some extent, they already exist. Preventing pregnancy is very different to aborting a pregnancy.

I think it sounds like you know your own mind. It’s great your DH has booked a vasectomy now, but it’s too late for this pregnancy! Don’t feel forced or pressurised into having an abortion. If you need permission to say you want to go ahead with the pregnancy and see what happens, then I’ll say it: don’t have an abortion that you are not totally and completely sure about.

You’re pregnant with 2 potential children. See what happens and if the pregnancy continues, have a wonderful large(ish) family.

Plopplupplip · 19/02/2025 12:23

It is of course such an individual decision and what’s right for one family isn’t for another. But I would feel the same as you describe in your posts and the positives of two more babies would outweigh the stressors for me.

chocolatemousse3 · 19/02/2025 12:24

I come from a big family. Life was very hard and I never had 1-2-1 with my mum. I had to learn to look after the youngest as a teen, etc.
BUT...
as an adult, it is great to have so many siblings, in laws, nieces and nephews.
Your husband and you won't enjoy the benefits of a big familiy, your children will do.

Ellie1015 · 19/02/2025 12:24

Twins must make it more difficult so for me I would be more sure of my decsion, not less.

Lowkey28 · 19/02/2025 12:24

mydogisthebest · 19/02/2025 12:07

I don't need to calm down thank you and I am not your love.

It is a stupid post because, for many people, things do not work out. Do you never read posts on here where things certainly have not worked out?

I don't see the bad in life but I am realistic. I haven't had bad experiences nor do I have any resentments but at my age I have seen many many many people have bad experiences and regrets.

It could be fantastic for the family but the odds are it will not. The husband doesn't want more children, the house they have is far far too small with no mention of being able to move, so presumably not able to afford to. Just how will they afford FIVE children?

It is not stupid. God people are so bitter on here. Lots of miserable women with no actual advice

Theres every chance this will also be fine, and they can find a way

lets not write off her husband to an affair and kids through therapy just yet…

TheHazelCritic · 19/02/2025 12:25

Plenty of people make do with what they have, don't need a room for every child.
We are seven as well in a three bed,it's fine. Children aren't expected to spend all their time in their rooms,there's the rest of the house for space,and they go outside as well.
Both you and your husband aren't 100% on board with either choice, i would continue as you are.
You had three children already,it's not like you don't know how it is to have babies. Yes two will be harder and might need extra helping hands, stricter routines or whatever, but it isn't impossible.

CindereIIa · 19/02/2025 12:27

Ang3leyes · 19/02/2025 12:20

You can get your oldest to help with the younger ones and then you can deal with the twins

WTF! No! Do not put this on the elder child.

berksandbeyond · 19/02/2025 12:27

Ang3leyes · 19/02/2025 12:20

You can get your oldest to help with the younger ones and then you can deal with the twins

Oh yeah that won't lead to resentment at all

Frenchbluesea · 19/02/2025 12:27

MumblesParty · 19/02/2025 12:05

@Uberella and is the accepted punishment for not getting a vasectomy having to provide and care for another 2 kids?!

Yes that is potentially the outcome of having unprotected sex 🙄

Porcuporpoise · 19/02/2025 12:30

I know two families that had unexpected twin pregnancies after thinking their family was complete. Both made it work, no-ones husband left but yes it was difficult and yes everything-space, attention, money - was and is spread more thinly than before. But they are happy families where the positives do seem to outweigh the negatives.

I don't know whether anyone I know decided to terminate rather than continue with an unexpected pregnancy but I'm sure it's not uncommon.

Basically it's very much your choice @RM24 and there isn't one universally correct answer. I think either option is valid.

ElsaLion · 19/02/2025 12:30

@FairyBlueEyes I completely agree, as an only child. I wish every day that my parents had been able to have more children (they wanted the same, but were prevented by fertility issues). That's why I'm so much in favour of larger families.

Money, big houses, private education can't buy happiness (and in my childhood I was fortunate to be granted with all of these). However, my parents separated, and it pretty much destroyed my childhood and everything I held dear. I often think I would have coped better, had I been blessed with sibling(s) to share the struggles with.

Comedycook · 19/02/2025 12:31

The thing is people say you'll cope...and you will. But personally I think "coping" is a pretty low bar for your life.

PaintCatsPaint · 19/02/2025 12:31

Ang3leyes · 19/02/2025 12:20

You can get your oldest to help with the younger ones and then you can deal with the twins

I really hope this is sarcasm. Parentifying older children is abuse.

LolaPeony · 19/02/2025 12:32

ElsaLion · 19/02/2025 12:30

@FairyBlueEyes I completely agree, as an only child. I wish every day that my parents had been able to have more children (they wanted the same, but were prevented by fertility issues). That's why I'm so much in favour of larger families.

Money, big houses, private education can't buy happiness (and in my childhood I was fortunate to be granted with all of these). However, my parents separated, and it pretty much destroyed my childhood and everything I held dear. I often think I would have coped better, had I been blessed with sibling(s) to share the struggles with.

Her existing kids already have siblings.

jacks11 · 19/02/2025 12:32

None of us can tell you what the “right” thing to do is. I think you need to sit down and have a proper discussion with your husband about what you want, what he wants and the practical issues you are going to have to face one way or another. I think you could also do with some counselling either way.

Ultimately, you get the final say. I do think you need to consider your husband’s point of view- perhaps if you understand why he is against it, that would help? I guess if you really want this pregnancy, and he remains against it, one if you is going to be unhappy. Either way, it could impact your marriage negatively so you may have to face that and take into consideration whether you can cope with 5 children as a lone parent vs 3 children and some degree (great or small) of regret about a termination, should things go down that route.

All that said, I think you need to put aside all the “meant to be”, “twins are such a blessing” fluff- it’s fanciful nonsense. Twins are no more or less a blessing than a singleton pregnancy and a twin pregnancy is no more “fated to be” than any other. I understand being pregnant is an emotional thing, I’m not saying you should not have feelings about it- I’m saying the fairytale stuff and romantic notions aren’t going to lead to good decisions for your family. The issue you really need to focus on is whether you and your husband have the emotional, mental, physical and financial resources to adequately care for and provide for another 2 children, without significantly negatively impacting your existing children. That’s what really matters, that has to be your priority.

I would argue that your current housing set up is not going to work well for your children so you would need to consider the costs of a larger house, just as a starter. Then consider the additional costs of running a larger household, transport costs, clothing etc. can you do it? If you can’t, how do you think your current children will feel/cope, especially as they get older and need more space/independence? Will they be able to have room to study in peace, or able to have friends round etc? It is going to be very cramped with 7 people in a 3 bed-semi. You need to have understanding of the impact of expanding your family and if/how you deal with that. For example, overcrowded housing is associated with poorer educational outcomes- how are you going to mitigate against that?

I think you need to consider the impact on your existing children as a priority- and not in the “oh the eldest will simply LOVE to help out with the babies, she’ll be such a help” sense- again, this is a romanticised image and isn’t what you need to focus on. Your daughter might well enjoy baby siblings, but you don’t know that will be the case and you don’t know how long that might last even if she does initially (I.e. whilst it’s a novelty). You should not be looking to rely on your older children to help look after your younger children as a coping strategy. I’m not saying you are basing your whole decision on it, but whether she might like helping with babies is not relevant to your decision making process.

You need to be sure that you can be there to provide the support all your children will need- emotionally, spending time with them etc. will they have to sacrifice quality of life for their siblings (e.g. will you be able to support them in any hobbies or sports they do, or will they have to be curtailed or stopped)? If you honestly believe you can, then fine- if you can’t, then I think the existing children need to come before anything else.

If you get it wrong, you might well end up with resentment toward you and/or their siblings in the long run. Some parents manage large families really well. Some parents don’t. I have seen the results of both and with the latter there isn’t the lovely, jolly family all having great fun together and close siblings caring for each other (which is the picture I think OP is painting for herself)- it’s fractious relationships, resentment and quite a lot of emotional and psychological baggage for all involved. It can “all work out for the best”, and some people do muddle through and have a good outcome against the odds, but it doesn’t always and many parents don’t “just find a way”, so you need to have a realistic belief that you can do the right thing by everyone in the family before going ahead, imho.

Porcuporpoise · 19/02/2025 12:33

Frenchbluesea · 19/02/2025 12:27

Yes that is potentially the outcome of having unprotected sex 🙄

What makes you think there was any unprotected sex? Surely as the OP says the chances of pregnancy were very, very slim that suggests it wasn't?

Twizzletoe · 19/02/2025 12:33

Gosh RM24 that is a really tough decision. It’s a lot to consider: the impact on your kids, the increased risks of a twin pregnancy both for you and the babies, the potential logistical difficulties of housing and transporting five kids as well as the longer term financial implications.
Would you need a vehicle to take all seven or would two normal cars be sufficient? How does your bedroom plan work if they are boy girl twins?
Would there be somewhere quiet for your eldest ones to do school work as they get to exam years?
Would there really be room for seven including two in highchairs if the dining table was in the kitchen.

A school mum friend had four kids who were boy, girl, boy, girl with two or three year gaps which made the bedroom sharing difficult. When staying in hotels before ferries/flights they had a boys room and a girls room - like a school trip. They needed to extend the house which was not cheap.

FindusMakesPancakes · 19/02/2025 12:34

FairyBlueEyes · 19/02/2025 12:08

Bloody hell there are some bitter people on this thread.

@RM24 this happened to me, found out I was pregnant with twins unexpectedly but I already a had a toddler and a baby!! Had no idea how I was going to cope but cope I did. We were lucky in that we had a bigger house anyway but so what if the children need to share rooms? I shared a bedroom with my sister growing up and it did no harm whatsoever and I’m really close with her now.

Also having 2 babies to care for is no different to having one ime. My twins are 20 now and I don’t regret them for one minute. It was hard, we made sacrifices but our family is so much better for having them in it.

You can’t get an abortion because you will regret it forever and blame your DH, which will strain your relationship anyway.

Was your husband/partner onboard with continuing? And therefore supportive? You already say you were in a bigger house, so had the space for two more. Yes, kids can share, but with the age gap here, in a 3 bed house. It is all a bit Walton's/Little House on the Prairie. Let alone the romanticism over twins being special. You must have had incredibly easy babies for twins to be no harder than a single.

The flip side to her not having an abortion is her husband resenting her forever.

@RM24 I would go for joint counselling to come to a rational decision together, not make a decision based purely on an emotional state. Whichever way you go, one of you doesn't get their ideal, and an independent third party can help you both work through the options and come to a mutual 'least worst' option. Whichever you end up with, you will never know how the other would have played out, so once you get there, both of you need to give each other grace and acceptance.

JimHalpertsWife · 19/02/2025 12:34

ThejoyofNC · 19/02/2025 11:12

What on earth are you talking about? "End up their lives" like what?

Up end. As in turn it up on end.