Pregnant with 'oops' twins & 3 DC

[RM24]

Hello, I am currently in the very early stages of pregnancy (6+2w) and have had confirmed with a scan that I am in-fact pregnant with twins (DCDA - they have their own sac and placenta). This pregnancy wasn't planned, I already have 3 DC (12, 9 & 3)
DH doesn't want to go ahead with the pregnancy (this was before I had my scan which was at the gynae clinic as a termination was/is planned, something I wasn't 100% on doing and its heartbreaking but knew it was probably best for our family finically wise)

But strangely now knowing there is a possibility of having twins I know in my heart of hearts I want to carry on with this pregnancy (Im not holding my breath as I have had two miscarriages in the past at 7w & 9w so being very optimistic about this and knowing that not all twin pregnancies progress)

I just want to know I am making the right choice, I feel that twins is a blessing and the chances of me falling pregnant were very very slim and I am a huge believer in everything happens for a reason and now being told this news its making me question if I was destined to be a mum of 5 all along! (lol what?!) as I have always said with my other pregnancies, "how exciting if it would be twins!" 5 children just comes with lots of adjustments such as bigger car, the bedroom situation is also another big factor and of course affordability. (DH works full time and I'm self employed and run my own small business)

Im not naive, i know twins must be extremely hard work as well as having 3 children but i just believe you learn to adapt, and my eldest would love to be hands on and offer a helping hand every now and again.
I just have to try and get my husband on board but out of any relationship i cherish the most, it is ours and I would be terrified to push this on him and pay for the consequences later down the line with us not having a great relationship.

Please can I ask for anyones advise, I haven't told anyone due to us potentially not going ahead with the pregnancy as its not something I am proud of and it breaks my heart thinking about doing so, so I would rather have advise anonymously

Thankyou for your time!
x

You can't abort if you feel so mixed... you'll regret it.

I have twin boys. Now 9. Non identical. Chalk and cheese really. My daughter was 2 when they were born. The first weeks/ months were hard ( but any baby is) as we have no family support and husband works all hours but they really are a blessing. There are advantages - you never have to amuse them. They and their sister are super close and always up to something together. Not all rosiie there does be an odd row and sometimes I feel like the three of them run rings around me but overall it’s great. I’m not in the same position as you as my husband would have had a bigger family if it had happened. A friend of mine had three kids (2 with her husband) they were 13, 8 and 7. She really wanted another. He didn’t. He was turning 40 and he was adamant he was too old and was done. She had a surprise pregnancy. Their boy is the same age as mine now and very social and sporty. The Dad says he could not imagine being without him as he gave him a new lease of life.

Yes, which is why people try and plan their family sizes. And why - when surprise pregnancies happen - many people have to think hard about what to do.

You sound quite immature OP, I can’t imagine having 5 kids in a 3 bedroom house will be good for anyone’s mental health.

5 children will almost definitely mean a new car, new house or considerable upheaval to existing children. Less resources for the existing children and a serious impact on both adults careers. What ages are your existing kids?

Personally if I was your husband I couldn't forgive you for forcing me to do this so it would be the end of our marriage.

Do you really have the mental, emotional and physical resources for this?

Oh and I'm the youngest of 6, DH is the youngest of 5 and we have 4 kids so I'm not against big families.

I don’t believe that you’re as dense as you’re pretending to be.

Why did you have a second child? Presumably because you wanted your child to have a sibling. There are obviously no guarantees where sibling relationships are concerned, but you hope that your children will get on, will be playmates in childhood and lifelong support for each other in adulthood, more than making up for the family’s resources covering an extra person.

But that balance, between the benefits of a sibling relationship and the strain of an additional child putting extra pressure on tangible (money, bedrooms) and intangible resources (parental time & attention), fairly obviously shifts with every additional child. And you have to take age gaps into account too, particularly where bedroom sharing is concerned.

Sending you all my best wishes for this difficult decision.

My opinion and everyone else’s is irrelevant really but I think it sounds lovely to have a big family and twins, a real blessing. Other people will think the opposite, just take care of yourself 💐

Whilst I'm not a paid up member of the "children need their own rooms" club, I already think the 6y age gap between the current brothers sharing is too much - let alone not having another room at all available for the two additional children which may come along.

Wow that’s helpful. Actually, YOU sound quite immature feeling that this comment is any way appropriate.

Your husband booked a vasectomy as soon as he found out you were pregnant. That’s your answer to how much he wants more children. In your shoes, I would worry about the impact of reluctant parenthood on him after the birth when reality hits.

Could you be a single mum or married single mum to five?

So you’re suggesting OP should have children 4 and 5 purely because she wants them, and to hell with the rest of her family members?

Firstly I just want to say how sorry I am for this incredibly difficult dilemma you are facing (virtual hugs ) If I were in your position I would counter your husband out of the decision & make the decision based on YOURS & your Childrens needs in mind .. ask yourself would you be ok having 5 children? How will you feel mentally will you be ok finically ? & if you feel positive & excited for the idea go ahead & don’t terminate. Have a sit down & long chat again with your DH tell him how you feel then go back & think about what do you really want. I’m not saying you will end up on your own at all but I think in these circumstances you just need to think about you as an individual what do you want to do & most of all what will your life quality be like.

We’d never have any children if we went by the idea the fathers might fuck off one day. I’m not trying to be difficult and I see your point but I stand by a woman’s choice

Forcibly pushing abortion is nasty. So is trying to dissuade someone from having one if it's the right choice for them.

Your biggest plus to going ahead is that you are young enough, presumably in good health with matching energy to cope. You also sound like a tight team who would all muck in.

I feel your biggest problem will be your two sons sharing a room a bit further down the line. Won’t your 9 year old want his own space as a young teen and onwards until he leaves home? Is there finance enough for a bigger house in the same school catchment area? I personally wouldn’t go ahead if not. Also think about the possibility later on, of maybe still having all 5 children at home as they try to save for their own homes. A 3 bed with 5 adults and two teens wouldn’t be easy especially if bathroom facilities are limited.

Good luck with your decision OP. It’s a tough one and lots to think about with financial planning but you do sound as if you really do want to go ahead.

Man with three here. I had a vasectomy to prevent any more as we are stretched to the limit with a four bed detached and two good incomes.

Only you can decide together what path to take. Wishing you well.

It's up to you, OP. That sounds unhelpful, sorry! But you are the person on whom the biggest consequences fall, whichever way you go, so it has to be your decision. I understand your worry about whether your DH will resent it, but also bear in mind the risk that if you have an abortion for his sake, you will resent it, and him, too.
Five children is certainly a biggish family, and I really wouldn't fancy being a mother of five. But I'm not you. Other women thrive on it.
Big families aren't necessarily deprived, children in bigger families are neglected and short of parental affection, and don't necessarily resent younger siblings. I'm sure it can happen, but I don't see it as more or less inevitable. I'm the oldest of four, my Mum was fab at having a larger family, and I get on very well with all my siblings even now we're all adults.
The toddlers v teens thing varies. I found motherhood with a teenage boy far easier than toddlers. Not smooth sailing, but I found the challenges easier. DS1 is now 19, maybe he was just a very tiresome toddler and an easier teen, and D2S will show me the error of my ways, who knows?

Also what if one or both have special needs? This can happen with an early birth. What would happen if you were stuck in NICU? what would the impact be on your other kids?

I feel for you. It's not like you got pregnant on purpose against your dh's wishes. It was as much his accident as yours.
Yes, having twins could affect your marriage, but let's not forget that having an abortion against your wishes can affect your mental health and marriage too.
I'm pro choice but not pro forced abortion if the mother doesn't want it. I think I would have found it easier to abort before I had kids than after as you do.
I hope you can come to a decision that is right for your family.

Not really. I know I could support my 3 (just about) without DH. I know I couldn't with 5. It absolutely should be a woman's choice, but that needs to be an informed and realistic decision.

Again, you cannot know this.

OP, I was the 12 year old in your situation - I had a younger sibling (by a couple of years) and had just started secondary school when my DM had my youngest sibling, who turned out to be born with significant additional needs. My teen years were a long slog TBH - we had very little money, DM had to give up work as they couldn't find appropriate childcare so as a family we went from two reasonable incomes to one, and I was expected to step up and help with babycare plus help with my sibling through their preteen and teen years. There was no time/ money/ energy for my parents to spend on me, our relationship has never recovered and we're still not close.

I now have twins myself and they are bloody hard work, plus childcare costs are extortionate - I paid around £100 per day to put both in nursery, and that was 10 years ago. If you really want to have these babies, you do need to think hard about how you're going to afford them and preferably not to the detriment of everyone else in the family, because your DC may not be thrilled about gaining extra siblings if they lose out in many other ways.

I completely sympathise with your dilemma and think your DH has a lot to answer for here - if he didn't want any more DC then a vasectomy is definitely in order! - but honestly, please do consider your existing DC before making any decisions, because life for them will be impacted in many ways and not all of them will be good.