Pregnant with 'oops' twins & 3 DC

[RM24]

Hello, I am currently in the very early stages of pregnancy (6+2w) and have had confirmed with a scan that I am in-fact pregnant with twins (DCDA - they have their own sac and placenta). This pregnancy wasn't planned, I already have 3 DC (12, 9 & 3)
DH doesn't want to go ahead with the pregnancy (this was before I had my scan which was at the gynae clinic as a termination was/is planned, something I wasn't 100% on doing and its heartbreaking but knew it was probably best for our family finically wise)

But strangely now knowing there is a possibility of having twins I know in my heart of hearts I want to carry on with this pregnancy (Im not holding my breath as I have had two miscarriages in the past at 7w & 9w so being very optimistic about this and knowing that not all twin pregnancies progress)

I just want to know I am making the right choice, I feel that twins is a blessing and the chances of me falling pregnant were very very slim and I am a huge believer in everything happens for a reason and now being told this news its making me question if I was destined to be a mum of 5 all along! (lol what?!) as I have always said with my other pregnancies, "how exciting if it would be twins!" 5 children just comes with lots of adjustments such as bigger car, the bedroom situation is also another big factor and of course affordability. (DH works full time and I'm self employed and run my own small business)

Im not naive, i know twins must be extremely hard work as well as having 3 children but i just believe you learn to adapt, and my eldest would love to be hands on and offer a helping hand every now and again.
I just have to try and get my husband on board but out of any relationship i cherish the most, it is ours and I would be terrified to push this on him and pay for the consequences later down the line with us not having a great relationship.

Please can I ask for anyones advise, I haven't told anyone due to us potentially not going ahead with the pregnancy as its not something I am proud of and it breaks my heart thinking about doing so, so I would rather have advise anonymously

Thankyou for your time!
x

@Porcuporpoise So 'your friend's' one off experience defines that of every child raised in a larger family? My mother would have a great time comparing notes with you! And as for my uncle, who is one of seven...!

This would be allowing men to totally control women’s bodies. She has a right to this pregnancy if she wants it just as much as she has rights to a termination if she wants one. The point is that the poster seemed appalled that the husband should have to provide for children he fathered

I think you should put your existing children first. Having 5 children in a 3 bed house will massively impact them. From what you have said, you don’t sound particularly well off, so financially it will be difficult especially as your children get older. It will also hugely impact the time you have to spend with your existing children and therefore your relationship with them. I don’t think I would go ahead in your position because of the disadvantages it will bring your existing children.

Saying that, I would do what I wanted and not involve random people on the internet in this decision. There are also pro life people on this thread who only care that you go ahead, they won’t care about how you cope day to day financially, emotionally or time wise or about the impact on your existing children or your relationship with your husband.

Only you can decide how you would cope with either decision.

There’s a material difference between adding one small child to the family, and adding another two in quick succession taking the total to three.

I didn't say anything about him controlling her choice. Just that women do need to consider how they would manage should the father walk away. Because they do. Regularly.

I suppose that depends on what value you attach to the quality of life that having a bit more money can bring. Plus braces are often needed for health reasons, not just vanity,

Thank you. I am aware that they do. But if that is a reason for terminating a wanted pregnancy then it is allowing them to control your body

And what about the welfare of her existing children? Do they deserve any consideration, do you think?

One person here is pregnant. That's the one who gets to decide.

Please don’t have an abortion if you don’t want one - you’ll never forgive yourself. Or your husband. I’m sure the practicalities will work themselves out.

Ignore some of the horrible judgmental post.

I'm sorry you find yourself in such a difficult situation. There's no right or wrong answer and it's a deeply personal decision so what anyone else would do is really irrelevant.

I think you and your husband needs to discuss the situation again - emotionally, practically and financially. You also have to discuss the potential resentment on both sides given you aren't yet aligned on your opinions. Consider all the positives, consider both situations if you remain together and both situation if it is a reason you split.

Hopefully after a full honest conversation about everything above, you will both cone to the right decision for you both.

Will your house still be big enough in the future if you have one girl and one boy twin?

No comment on your decision as it's so personal, however I don't believe that everything happens for a reason, I think these things are randomized. I also don't quite understand being more excited about twins than a single.

No, it is acknowledging that children need to be provided for in a world in which relationships break down and men fuck off.
I didn't say it should be a reason to terminate, perhaps she thinks she could manage alone. But it should be considered before having any child.

@DelilahRay I agree, it’s no excuse. It does happen, though, and I’m sure OP understood that a topic like this would bring out the swivel-eyed from all sides of the debate. We could talk all day about how people ‘should’ behave, but we’d be whistling up a gumtree really.

The point is that no one on this thread knows how it will turn out. OP could end up with a perfect large family filled with selfless children who love nothing more than each other’s company, and couldn’t care less about any material hardship.

She could also end up with a chaotic home with three boisterous younger children and unhappy teenagers who bitterly resent their lack of space, privacy and parental attention (alongside a bitter, resentful husband working all hours to provide for his many children).

As the many anecdotes on this thread show, it can go either way. Just because your mother loved her large family doesn’t mean that OP’s older dc will see things the same way.

It’s not pleasant to imagine your spouse and children resenting you, but it is a realistic outcome that OP needs to take into account rather than swallowing your rose-tinted rainbows and butterflies view.

As someone who loves kids and could only have 1, I would have loved to have had twins. Go with your gut, do not terminate unless there is something wrong with the babies. Give your husband a chance to get used to the idea. I’m sure he will come round.

If another child equals more happiness then why not ten more?

Im afraid I simply do not believe that you cannot qualitatively assess the likely impacts on kids of growing up in a family of 3 vs a family of 5.

I personally wouldn't proceed, because of the impact on resources for the already existing children being almost halved. And I don't think you can expect your oldest to want to help out for long. There is a strong possibility they will grow resentful, either way you shouldn't factor them helping in any way.

Not for me, as I had a teen too plus twins plus an 'oops baby' when the twins were 4. Teen was at secondary school, and now is drifting around not doing much at all. I have no energy to chase after them and the twins are older but time consuming too. Baby now 6 and I'm permently knackered

I would definitely keep them.

It's your choice. People do have 5 kids, tough but doable. It also not unreasonable to not want to do it. Ideally your DH would have had a vasectomy before the unplanned pregnancy but at least getting done now.

If you want the babies you'll manage. You have 3 already. You can parent. If you don't want to have 5 that's fine. But make sure you are sure on your choice. Some people do regret abortions, some don't. The ones that are sure about what they want are the ones that dont regret it.

@LolaPeony No one is suggesting that taking on a larger family isn't daunting, or is without its (sometimes significant) challenges. Nor is OP's husband wrong for being anxious about the prospect.

But balancing this with negative suppositions - 'your husband may resent you', 'it may be chaotic', 'your children may grow to hate it' is peddling the same anti-family (and anti-choice) manipulation often seen on MN. OP has thus far made a wonderful and honourable decision to have a larger family.