Baby before marriage - parents NOT happy

[Oli16]

Me and my boyfriend are expecting our first baby and the way my parents have reacted makes me feel like I’m having a teen pregnancy (I’m 33, been with partner for 5 years who they love)

since telling them at Christmas they have been really weird about it, they say their excited but I’ve had multiple conversations with my mother who keeps asking me how “committed” my partner is and “why hasn’t he proposed to you yet” - I’m finding out their quite traditional and even though I say we have plans to get engaged / married quite soon, it’s left a very bitter feeling between us.

Its pretty common to have a baby before marriage but she says she “feels” for me which made me feel horrendous and upset.

has anyone else experienced people being dicks about having a baby before marriage?

so disappointed and I think they seem miffed too

I find myself wondering how many poonamis in OP will be, before the penny drops that babe-in-arms with gorgeous white wedding dress might be a bigger gamble than whether do-no-wrong partner will be one who sticks around for the long haul?

Once you make the decision not to risk yellow-brown graffiti all over your outfit on the big day & wait til they're potty trained, and then a second comes along, you're 5 years down the road before the wedding actually happens.

I didn't feel like saying this earlier, as it's a bit outing, but OP, I was in EXACTLY the same situation as you....I think the parental quote was "I hope you know what you're doing"!

As it happens, we felt we did, we talked through a LOT of what ifs, it was me that didn't want a rush marriage, and he's been a diamond for the long haul. But after I came closer to dying in childbirth than anyone would have wanted, we couldn't get down the registry office fast enough to cement our family unit!

There is now an option which wasn't available to us then - of registering a partnership formally at the Registry Office. Personally I think it might help perceptions if legally we called it a Registered Partnership rather than Civil Partnership. But whatever. It formalises your commitments to each other & your family unit, and changes your legal & tax status too.

It's not a marriage or a wedding though, you don't even need to tell anyone you're doing it/have done it. And you can still roll with the big wedding afterwards at your leisure.

It does sound like you're both fully committed to your partnership & your parenthood journey - so what reasons do you have NOT to go ahead & register it?

But the romantic part is agreeing to get married. You've already done that. If he gets down on one knee and asks you to marry him when you've already said yes, it'll feel forced. It's like kids playing a game.

Which one of you brought up marriage first?

Few would want to organise a picturesque wedding while caring for a small baby

I don’t know, we got married a week before our baby turned 1. Planning it wasn’t too bad, church and hotel reception. The hotel did most of their end and all I had to book was wedding dress hire and flowers. My husband picked the music and arranged the rings. We did the wedding invite together one evening. It wasn’t hectic

I understand that you feel upset about their reaction. Do you think you might be feeling some internal conflict? I say this because there are a few contradictions in what you’re saying eg in one post you say “ I see the financial security of marriage is there but I don’t need it as I have my own finances and job/security. Marrying my partner will be for romantic reasons and also the legal reasons is a plus obviously! But I’m not dependent on him for money”, but in another post you say
”marriage I understand does give women a sense of security and commitment which is why we plan to marry probably end of this year or next”. Also if you don’t need marriage for financial protection like you say because you’re independent then why does he need to “take on a full time job to support me whilst I’m on mat leave?”

If you’re both actually serious about being married I wouldn’t bother with all this “probably maybe” and loose timelines, I would be setting a wedding date
ASAP because him “planning” to propose isn’t the same as taking action and he has you in a precarious position now where it seems that you are going to be somewhat dependant on him for a while. It’s all a bit wishy washy and I think you need to be a bit more assertive about the timeline if you want to get married to him. Sorry if it sounds brash but in my opinion he has it solved; you haven’t really made marriage a requirement if you’ve moved in with him and are having a baby with him (ie wife duties on a girlfriend salary), he knows you’re committed so there’s no rush on his part. And even if he is genuinely planning to propose at some point before the birth, so many people who have had kids (even if they’re already engaged by the time they have kids) put the wedding off and off because it’s not the right time, it’s too expensive or insert reason here. If it’s that important to you to have a proposal then can’t you use a placeholder ring and then go and choose one together? My husband proposed without any ring and we picked it out a month later. Oh and before I’m branded old fashioned, I’m 26! I hope it works out for you and you get what you want

Tell them it's not 1930 anymore.
They should be happy for you, and happy they are having a grandchild.

It's not about them it's about you. Very unsupportive and miserable. Don't pander to them.

Perhaps they don't want to get married. Move on times have changed.

In terms of "born out of wedlock " yes, I agree.

In terms of financial vulnerability, nothing has changed.

The taking away of babies from unmarried mothers and having them adopted out definitely was organised by the church
Shameful.

Why should the poster worry I they come round or not.
I hope they end up estranged if they carry on l8ke this, they deserve to be
Who do they think they are
How to take the shine of their daughters pregnancy. Sod em.

It absolutely has changed.

women can now make sure they aren’t financially vulnerable. They can work after marriage, and after children. They have protected rights wrt pregnancy and work.

women can open bank accounts, have credit cards, buy houses.

when my dad died in the 80’s even as a 10 year old child I was shocked at how little agency my mum had. Only dad had a bank account. Everything in his name. House, car, credit cards. She’d given up her job when I was born and had no earning power. I saw her going into department stores to be told “ooh if you take out our store card you’ll get 10% off” by the sales assistant, then to be told by finance she was only eligible if her husband co-signed.

women can make sure they have their own finances in place before having children. If they make the choice to give up their own financial stability to rely on a man then that’s their choice.

In the past social welfare did not exist and someone was needed to financially maintain the mother and child. So I guess that boils down to the point so many are making here, that a soon-to-give-birth-mother needs financial and psychological support and that may be why OP's parents are keen to see her married.

That’s an awful thing to say. Why would you hope they become estranged? That’s very pessimistic. Why not hope that they resolve their differences so that they can all rejoice in the birth of a new baby.

It is a load of rubbish that having a child is a bigger commitment than marriage. People who say this arent married. Men can just walk away from an unmarried partner and pay her a pittance while being a Disney dad for the fun bits of parenting.

If marriage was such an inconsequential thing, why is he delaying? If its so unimportant and inconsequential why is he having to work up to it? They could have a quick civil ceremony if it's not important

I remember the first argument I had with my husband after we got married. I was so angry and had the realisation that I couldn't just walk out. I needed to stay and work things out. That was over 30 years ago and we've had a very happy marriage but I think marriage is a real commitment.

It is a load of rubbish that having a child is a bigger commitment than marriage. @Paisleyandpolkadots
It isn't a load of rubbish to say it. For the woman, having a baby is a far bigger commitment.
For the man, having a baby can be a huge commitment, or as you say, he can walk away.

ithink it's a bit embarrasing to be 33, in a long term relationship and pregnant with no marriage proposal. She is right to question his commitment.

this post is embarrassing 🙄

@Paisleyandpolkadots

You say "I was so angry and had the realisation that I couldn't just walk out."

Replace 'I was so angry' with 'I was being abused'. Sadly for women who are being abused, marriage can be more of a trap than a commitment. These men can use the divorce process as yet another method to control and abuse.

Maybe just stop generalising about men and women?
How do you ever think we will move forwards from ridiculous stereotypes if you keep talking like this.

Well, not by pretending that they don't exist for a reason.

They dshouñdnt have to resolve their difference.
It's not about them.
Their job is to support their daughter and be kind.

It's nothing to do with them. They deserve to be cut off.
What they think isn't important. I don't know how parents daré behave like that, especially this day and age.
Don't pander to them Op.

Exactly.
Newsfash people don't have to be married these days to have a baby.

Move with the times.

Yes, women can and should have a financial plan. Women can’t guarantee that plan isn’t going to fail.

Women still end up not able to work during pregnancy. Women end up forced out of the workforce because of their own birth injuries or because their children have extra needs.
men simply don’t face the same risks.

Men do have risks though. Not birth injuries, but they get ill, and they can die. Being a man doesn’t guarantee you will always be able to support your family, same as being a woman doesn’t. You can’t guarantee the financial plan of the man working isn’t going to fail.

It doesn’t make sense to me to rely on one person’s income. If that person has a stroke and can’t work, or has birth injuries and can’t work, then the other can step in and generate the household income. Voluntarily dropping one persons income puts the whole family at risk should the other person not be able to work.

like I said saw it with my mum. All was fine and dandy with my dad working and her as a sahm, until he dropped dead when I was 10. No income, just a widow’s pension. No earning potential. We had to sell our house and car, move somewhere cheaper, give up all our hobbies.

which is why I would not have had children if I could not support them on my own. If dh or I couldn’t work, we’d be fine as the other is still bringing in a wage.

Newsflash, @PassingStranger ; People didn't ever have to be married to have a baby.

Nothing is going to change with that attitude is it?!?!
You don't have to succumb to the role that you think is expected of you.
Feminism took a serious tumble on this thread.