Baby before marriage - parents NOT happy

[Oli16]

Me and my boyfriend are expecting our first baby and the way my parents have reacted makes me feel like I’m having a teen pregnancy (I’m 33, been with partner for 5 years who they love)

since telling them at Christmas they have been really weird about it, they say their excited but I’ve had multiple conversations with my mother who keeps asking me how “committed” my partner is and “why hasn’t he proposed to you yet” - I’m finding out their quite traditional and even though I say we have plans to get engaged / married quite soon, it’s left a very bitter feeling between us.

Its pretty common to have a baby before marriage but she says she “feels” for me which made me feel horrendous and upset.

has anyone else experienced people being dicks about having a baby before marriage?

so disappointed and I think they seem miffed too

No, just the truth

@Happydays2025 I'm delighted for you and your informed & equitable neck of the woods! I hope our whole country can continue to aspire to that level of childcare sharing and, at some point in the next century (if Andrew Tate ever starts to loose favour in a meaningful way with men under 30), maybe even get there?

I don't live in some redneck rural location either. And most families around here have both parents working in some form. But in 10 years of primary school pickups, I can still only count on 2 hands the number of families where men do the majority of school pickups. And that's from looking across the year groups in a school of over 600 children.

I fear you may need to challenge your assumptions about how good the going is for many women across the UK still!

In 21 years on the school run (admittedly it's been coming 3 years since I escaped!) there were definitely far more mums on the school run than there ever were men! I can't imagine a sea change in that amount of time.

DH didn't often do it because he always worked a distance away and practically couldn't manage it!

Personally I think things have changed allot, maybe since covid and working from home became the norm.
At my school there's a group of SAHM that obviously do pickup every day but the majority seem to share it.

@Happydays2025 good for you! I'm delighted there is at least one school catchment in the country where more men than women collect their children from school at 3pm as the norm.

I think extrapolating that to assume that is the norm at 20,700 other primaries across the UK is a bit blinkered to what the average UK Mum's experience of career balance with a male partner is - whether they are married or not!

Obviously every Mum-to-be needs to consider their own personal circumstances, but on the balance of information OP has provided here, her future child would be afforded better financial protections with OP inside of a Civil Partnership (or marriage) than continuing the status quo.

Honestly I would feel the same, particularly because for women it’s probably one of the most vulnerable times in your life. But I would have the good sense to keep my thoughts entirely to myself and just offer love and congratulations!

Please do have a registry office marriage. You can then plan a beautiful wedding blessing and wedding party. I know people who didn’t even tell anyone about the registry office part. But legally it’s chalk and cheese to be actually married and protected versus engaged.

No it wasn't. It's a contract as old as time spanning every culture. It has historically been used to protect ownership or inheritance of land/property and to establish the legitimacy of children. Many women over the centuries, and their children, would have been worse off than they already are without that contract.

OP, make sure you give the baby your surname.

Absolutely
if you’re unmarried your name or double barrelled but not solely his name whether married or not
while we are at it don’t change your name if you get married

Why?

Why would you? Why wouldn't baby have its mums name?

Why wouldn’t it have the father’s name?

Because it makes the most sense that the baby carries the name of the person who birthed it and will be raising it. Most women do the lions share of the parenting. All the women do 100% of the pregnancies and births. It's an odd concept to then use the father's surname.

Such a weird, nonsensical post.

The only people I know who use the mother’s name are ones who are in highly tenuous relationships.

Well, we can agree to disagree. Personally I think that baby and mum having different surnames at birth because it's simply "expected" that baby will have dad's surname is nonsensical.

Maybe those relationships where mum has given baby her name are tenuous because the father has refused to marry the mother and she's struggling with that?

Also, I asked you why and you've not given any reason. I gave reasons when you asked me why.

I'd like to hear from you your thoughts on why a bant should be given it's fathers surname (when it's mum has a different one).

@Seamless11 , it's not nonsensical. Why be Ms Jones and DC Smith? What if you have more children by a different father? Would you want to be Ms Jones, DC1 Smith and DC2 Taylor?

Yes. Not married, then baby should have your name OP. You will be glad you did this if things do not work out.

I think you move in very different social circles to me!

That pretty much proves my point. If you are having a child after a one night stand or with a druggie then you may want to use your own name. Quite why you’d have a child with someone you believe there is a strong chance you won’t remain with is beyond me. No wonder society is so messed up.

I do not think women who are not married to the father of their child should bother to give the fathers name. This guy is not committed imo.

His status in any other respect is immaterial, this woman ya carrying his child but he makes no guarantee of their future or indeed the child, the name is the least of it! But it saves problems with passports, parental responsibility down the line,

The guy is not responsible. He should be stepping up to help and secure the future child's life and the mother.

You've yet to give a reason why the father's surname should be used over the mother's.

Grow up it's personal choice just leave it at that

Probably. We have quite a few celebrities here.