Baby before marriage - parents NOT happy

[Oli16]

Me and my boyfriend are expecting our first baby and the way my parents have reacted makes me feel like I’m having a teen pregnancy (I’m 33, been with partner for 5 years who they love)

since telling them at Christmas they have been really weird about it, they say their excited but I’ve had multiple conversations with my mother who keeps asking me how “committed” my partner is and “why hasn’t he proposed to you yet” - I’m finding out their quite traditional and even though I say we have plans to get engaged / married quite soon, it’s left a very bitter feeling between us.

Its pretty common to have a baby before marriage but she says she “feels” for me which made me feel horrendous and upset.

has anyone else experienced people being dicks about having a baby before marriage?

so disappointed and I think they seem miffed too

No, it doesn’t stop men being areseholes but what it does prevent is the woman being completed shafted financially in 5-10 years time when she has taken the career hit, and he screws her over. She is entitled to 50% of all their joint assets which is a considerable amount to lose!

How many posts have we read.

Together, x years, x kids, proposed but never married, she's sacrificed career, pension, personal growth to raise kids. Relationshipis over., She's up shit creek without a paddle, no savings, no pension, no career prospects and kids to house and feed.

Marriage does offer protection. It's a fact. If you're married and he's an areshole, then the assets get split. If your unmarried you get fuck all. It's a vulnerable position to be in.

They never are arseholes until they are arseholes.

She said she's financially independant and jointly owns the house. Sounds like she's going to be fine 👌

🙄🙄🙄

Who said she's sacrificing anything?!?! It's 2025 MAYBE she's keeping her career going and her partner is contributing as much to raising the baby as she is?
As shocking as that may be, it does happen (me for example)

Many men say they will get married after a baby, but once a baby arrives they don’t

I hope she isn't sacrificing anything, she doesn't get fucked, she doesn't become the default parent , she isn't expected to cover all the sicknesses etc.

I have 9 mum friends from baby group. I don't have one that's husband takes an equal role in parenting or whose career hasn't been impacted by motherhood.

Tbh we read that a lot with marriage as well. Women think they’re protected, and yes they may get an asset share, but spousal maintenance is rare now so they find themselves back looking for minimum wage jobs.

best way to protect yourself is keep your career, keep your pension, and don’t sacrifice. If you do marriage isn’t always “protection” there’s another thread on here where it’s her house, bought before marriage, and she’s facing having to buy her stbexh out.

so if you’re married and he’s an arsehole you could well lose all your assets. If you’re unmarried you’ll only get fuck all of you have fuck all. If you have your own assets you get to keep them while he gets fuck all.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11047346/

I think its safe to assume a lot of women posting on here are being financially supported by their husbands / partners

I see the financial security of marriage is there but I don’t need it as have my own finances and job / security. Marrying my partner will be for romantic reasons and also the legal reasons is a plus obviously! But I’m not dependant on him for money.

I have a creative career I can go back to after baby whenever I choose to being freelance which my partner fully supports

sorry but perhaps my future isn’t so doom and gloom as lots of people are suggesting!

Pensions?
Savings?
The will?

You have no idea how exhausted you are going to be, especially if you have more than one. You are going to be beyond exhausted, it’s not as simple as just skipping back to your ‘creative career’

What are you going to do about childcare? Is he paying for that or at least contributing?
What if your child is disabled or poorly? Is he going to give up his career to care for the child? Have you discussed this?

You sound very very naive op. Maybe that is why your parents are worried. How old are you?

Honestly the people on here 😂
Sounds like you have your head screwed on and are going to be brilliant.
Best of luck with it all.
For what it's worth, had I not been married several years before we had children, I'd not have prioritised it either.

Yup I think the point was made 😂
This might be the third time I delete mumsnet out of disbelief of what women can be like to each other.

I am old enough to be your mum and I would be concerned no matter how lovely your boyfriend is for all the legal reasons etc above To say he ‘plans’ to propose is a bit weird. Do you want to marry him?

Oh ffs. If she’s that terminally exhausted how’s she going to look after a baby? IMO it’s far harder in the early days looking after a baby all day than it is going to work.

i “skipped back” to my career fine, as do most women. The career meant I had the resources to pay for childcare, cleaners, gardeners etc. childcare meant if I was sick or exhausted I could take a proper day off, not be trying to rest and run after a toddler.

if the baby has issues you deal with it as it comes. My dh is infinitely better with young children than I am, and would have happily balanced his career with looking after a disabled child. Likely we would both have gone part time so one of us isn’t bearing the whole weight of caring or financial responsibility. No one has to give up a career.

the mindset that is always has to be the mum losing out and making the sacrifices is a big part of the problem. Many men will step up, if we allow them to. But we’re socially conditioned into a roles and rarely challenge them.

bottom line I think is many women prefer to give up work and absolve themselves of financial responsibility. It’s a choice that many women make, then complain when it comes back to bite them.

👌👌👌

Go for it! Do you think anyone will notice or care about your flounce?

Op is going to learn the hard way, like many before her. The ‘women ‘ on here are trying to advise op from a place of experience, not idealistic expectation.

Of the parents who had to struggle WFH during the pandemic, which were the ones most likely had to reduce hours etc, - mums.

Women are still the ones most hit hardest financially when becoming parents.

Not being married can impact how a pension can be transferred.

I know BIL married so he and wife could benefit from each other’s pension on death

You are being very irresponsible if you are saying women generally DO not benefit from the security of marriage, and are you saying your babies slept through effortlessly from day one? And working full time was ‘easy’ with your fleet of staff, no doubt it was, but it’s certainly not everyone’s experience is it!

The privilege you have is dripping from every word, and you lack the awareness to even consider that your life with full staff might be very different from others!

How many children verses all of the staff you employ might feel very different if you are managing on a minimum wage job. What a vulgar post.

And me! And many women I know. We both went down to 4 days a week after my mat leave rather than me going to 3 days and him continuing full time. And during mat leave he paid me half my lost earnings each month so that we both took an equal financial hit. We pay for everything 50/50 - mortgage, childcare, food, furniture, renovations etc. I don't rely on him financially and he doesn't rely on me. If either of us were to lose our jobs, we could afford all the essentials on one salary. It means neither of us has the strain of having to 'provide for the family' on our own and the impact of parenting on career has been equally shared.

Marriage is risk if you're the higher earner/have more wealth. And thankfully in 2025 there are lots of women in that position.

Also factor in any physical and mental changes that come with pregnancy, labour and new motherhood. All of these can force unexpected changes on your ability or even desire to go back to work.

😂😂
Embarrassing why? They had sex before marriage? That they obviously don't love each other enough 🥱

Maybe OP is not in a rush because she's the higher earner with more assets?

And many are not.
Women are still a long way off equal pay. There is such a thing as a gender pay gap. It’s strange you are completely ignoring the facts, in 2025:

commonslibrary.parliament.uk/research-briefings/sn07068/