Baby before marriage - parents NOT happy

[Oli16]

Me and my boyfriend are expecting our first baby and the way my parents have reacted makes me feel like I’m having a teen pregnancy (I’m 33, been with partner for 5 years who they love)

since telling them at Christmas they have been really weird about it, they say their excited but I’ve had multiple conversations with my mother who keeps asking me how “committed” my partner is and “why hasn’t he proposed to you yet” - I’m finding out their quite traditional and even though I say we have plans to get engaged / married quite soon, it’s left a very bitter feeling between us.

Its pretty common to have a baby before marriage but she says she “feels” for me which made me feel horrendous and upset.

has anyone else experienced people being dicks about having a baby before marriage?

so disappointed and I think they seem miffed too

We had a baby before marriage. But we married when baby was 1. I think I was in an incredibly precarious position for that pregnancy and first year. I wouldn’t have done it again. I would have had a registry marriage as soon as I was pregnant and would advise others not to do what I did.

none of our parents (3 sets) thought it was a great idea but tbh it was covid and it would have been a really shite wedding or not at all.

Marriage gives protection. Having a baby before getting married is not a wise decision.

Just don't give up work, income, savings, pension.

They're worried. Shit happens.

It's not embarrassing or shameful but the more I read on here about women who are left with nothing because they weren't married, the more I think it's worth the £100 for a quick ceremony.

And of course no one thinks at this point their partner will leave them, but if the relationship doesn't work out, you will be in a more vulnerable position.

However, your parents are not being supportive and should probably focus more on their future grandchild.

So many people say it doesn't matter until it does matter, when everything goes tits up

I've never understood the talking about going to propose but then don't propose. Surely if you are talking about proposing you sort of have proposed! You don't need a ring or official set of words, or a special place.

Apart from the house what is your financial position like and going to be after the baby?

What is there to plan for - you’re either getting married or you’re not. Have you proposed to him?

It only takes a few weeks to book a wedding so can easily be done before the baby is born.

You don't need to wait for him to propose. There are advantages to be married when you have children so it may not be a moral judgement. I think about half of children are born to mothers who are not married to the child's father, but more accurately described as outside of marriage rather than before unless there are definite plans to get married.

I never wanted a different surname to my kids so in your shoes I'd be registering the baby with your surname too.

@devastatedagain "I think it's a bit embarrasing to be 33, in a long term relationship and pregnant with no marriage proposal. She is right to question his commitment"

Jesus wept. Please don't tell me you're being serious?

Plenty of threads here where once the guy has what he wants ie a baby, no ring is forthcoming. Don't downsize your career in any way for childcare without a marriage or civil partnership.

Unless you’re the higher earner and going back to work full time I do think having a baby before being married is a risk, marriage provides you with protection which can be invaluable.

It’s not just about having the ring, it’s about the legal commitment and what that brings should he decide to walk away. Your mum probably could have phrased it better but you only have to look on here any given day to see how often perfectly happy relationships fall apart, at least with marriage you protect yourself.

' we always chat about getting engaged / married quite soon:) '

but it's not happened, has it.

talk is cheap, talk could even be future faking

did you both plan to conceive this baby ?

and it is so easy to give your full 28 days notice to the registrar, and get married.

Make sure you have savings, that you go back to work and prioritise your career.

DONT let your career fall by the wayside without the protection of marriage.

I think your mum is right to be concerned. Reassure her about your financial/ career plan. Tell her about your maternity pay and how you’re going to finance your mat leave.

I told my now husband I would not have children without being married, because I wanted that security, and we stuck to that.

I do look down upon men who get their long term girlfriends pregnant and don't propose. If I was a man in that situation I would propose immediately so she had that security. I wouldn't want a woman I loved questioning that, or feeling insecure, when she was pregnant.

Your parents probably aren't judging you, but they want to know he is 100% committed to you because they love you, and women normally take a big financial hit when they have children.

Having kids without being married is hardly new. We had kids before we got married and we only got married for immigration reasons however, I now think that the legal protection it gives the less financially secure person is important.
If you have a mortgage and kids with someone then presumably you are thinking of staying with them a while. You can just have a civil partnership if marriage doesn't appeal to you.
At the very very least you should have a cohabitation agreement and go through all your finances so that everything is as fair as possible.

If you are the wealthier person in the relationship then it's likely best not to get married.

Women often are really keen to have babies so do so without sorting everything else out, it's the baby blinkers.

I don't understand this planning to propose ,why not just do it? What's to plan? It feels like a lack of commitment and if I were your parents I'd be concerned too. Its not a moral judgement its a practical concern.

I hope it all works out for you. It does for many people.

Like your parents, I would be concerned in case it didn’t work out. Look up the cost of full time childcare for a baby in your area. Then look up what your partner would be required to pay in child maintenance. If you’re not married and you split, that’s all you’d get and he’d be under no obligation to look after his child so you could work.

Aside from the romantics, the financial side is what you should be considering:

Who will pay for nursery
Who will take mat/pat leave
Who will take the leave from work, therefore missing out on promotions at work, pension contributions etc

Don't downsize your career in any way for childcare without a marriage or civil partnership.

^

This.

It's great that you own a house together though

I think they are just worried about a potential lack of financial security. Try not to be mad at them.

I have a few friends who had kids before marriage and it didn't work out, and the man always seems to come off better financially.

One of them thought that they owned a house together but it turned out her name wasn't even on the mortgage (the man had done it all and she'd just trusted him) - so make sure you've had sight of the actual deeds and your name is on them.

Your parents are just looking out for you.

If you’re not married and you split, that’s all you’d get and he’d be under no obligation to look after his child so you could work.

^

This. He walks away. They walk away

And if you want to travel you may have to prove the baby is yours if the baby takes your boyfriends name. If you travel on your own with the baby you may have to prove your boyfriend has given permission.

Not sure you have thought this through except for you have been together and want a baby.

I think I’d feel that same as your mum. They know what having a baby entails and the significant pressure having a baby puts on even the strongest relationships. I’ve seen (and been!) the new mum that thought it was going to be perfect until it’s not. Had there been any indications to them that your DP might not stick around? Maybe they see something you don’t/can’t or you have had a moan about him at some point (as we all do) and that’s stuck with them?