Baby before marriage - parents NOT happy

[Oli16]

Me and my boyfriend are expecting our first baby and the way my parents have reacted makes me feel like I’m having a teen pregnancy (I’m 33, been with partner for 5 years who they love)

since telling them at Christmas they have been really weird about it, they say their excited but I’ve had multiple conversations with my mother who keeps asking me how “committed” my partner is and “why hasn’t he proposed to you yet” - I’m finding out their quite traditional and even though I say we have plans to get engaged / married quite soon, it’s left a very bitter feeling between us.

Its pretty common to have a baby before marriage but she says she “feels” for me which made me feel horrendous and upset.

has anyone else experienced people being dicks about having a baby before marriage?

so disappointed and I think they seem miffed too

If your pregnancy was planned then you've nothing to worry about as having a child with someone is a bigger commitment than marriage in many ways. If your DP was happy to plan a family with you then he's obviously thinking long term so Id let your Mum know this & say you will eventually get married but at the moment it's not a priority & not as important to you both as it seems to be to her. I had both my planned babies before we married & it was never an issue.

having a child with someone is a bigger commitment than marriage in many ways

Not in legal / financial ways, with a man who is statically more likely to leave and half arse parenting than any woman would.

Sadly quite a few men plan a baby with their partners but then walk away, sometimes even before that planned baby is born

Same with a marriage. Go through the engagement, wedding planning then ditch the bride before the big day. It's easier to walk away from a person when getting a divorce. However, if you have a baby with someone the chances are you'll be in each others lives for a long time for the childs sake (hopefully) so having a child is a bigger commitment I feel.

having a child is a bigger commitment I feel.
They aren't comparable. The commitment of having the baby is a far bigger commitment for the woman than it is for the man.

I agree they aren't comparable. Even good Dad's tend to just be there for the children not the ex when they split. There isn't this massive bond there just because they share children.

When I got pregnant with my eldest, my dad went a little bit weird about it. I wasn’t married at the time and I think that he felt that I should’ve been married first. My mum was okay with it, but obviously she supported my dad. I was 30 when I fell pregnant, living with my partner and we had been together for nearly 10 years. When my son was born, my dad was the proudest grandad. In fact, some of my most favourite pictures are of my son and my dad together.

We eventually married when our son was two and he was a page boy. He looked very very cute in his little suit with a waistcoat and cravat that matched his Daddy.

As it happens, I’m now divorced after 10 years of marriage but ultimately it’s your choice as to how you want to do things in your life. You might find that your parents come round once they hold that baby in their arms for the first time.

That’s nice to hear x

i think they’ll come around eventually but they are making it quite clear right now that they do not approve which I have been devastated about.

they have a way of gently gaslighting me too as when I told them I was upset by their comments and reaction they said it was “unfortunate” that I was upset by a conversation that was “inevitably going to happen”

I really don’t mind that they have their own opinion and could have made ONE comment in one conversation about why we didn’t get married first but it keeps being mentioned and I keep being communicated by them that they were surprised and obviously do not approve

im exhausted by it all - my lovely partner is going to call them to try and communicate to them how committed we are etc

just feeling sad about it all

Nah I’m not going to propose - he’s already told me he’s planning a romantic proposal very soon and I completely trust him to do so, we’re happy and also got a baby on the way I’m pleased :) but parents are still fixated on why not married first and making me feel very shitty which is dampening my pregnancy excitement some what

Really, who?

they have a way of gently gaslighting me too as when I told them I was upset by their comments and reaction they said it was “unfortunate” that I was upset by a conversation that was “inevitably going to happen”

That's not gaslighting.

Your parents have your back!
You are not listening, it’s not the same as them ‘gas lighting’ they are not gas lighting - they are trying to be decent parents.

You have no idea of the challenges and difficulties that might lie ahead op. Having some financial and emotional security is something most of us would hope for our dds op. If I may so, you do sound rather difficult!

he’s already told me he’s planning a romantic proposal very soon and I completely trust him to do so

But you have already agreed to get married. Therefore you are engaged to be married. What is the proposal for?

Don’t think you’re listening and just judging??

I’ve actually explained on previous post if you’ve read them that my partner is planning to propose so we have every plan to get married but it still doesn’t feel like it’s good enough and we are putting plans in place to get married.

not sure which is more tiring, these comments or my family’s!

Give the lad a chance to go pick up a ring I suppose ;)

So if you’re upset by someone’s comments they’ve specifically said to hurt you then they turn it around on you to make it seem you’re the problem and “unfortunate” that you’re the one who is upset - is not gas lighting?

if not gas lighting then just incredibly insensitive and un self aware

A proposal isn't worth the paper it's written on. It means nothing. The marriage gives you a little bit of protection.

Welcome to mumsnet OP.
It's full of insufferable no it alls.
Don't listen to the nasties.

Apart from marriage - my partner has put lots in place to ensure I am financially secure and emotionally secure during pregnancy and mat leave. I have my own career which I’m also planning on getting back to after mat leave, we have a solid plan figured out. Marriage I understand does give women a sense of security and commitment which is why we plan to marry probably end of this year or next, we had always talked about having a baby and that was our main priority.

in light of this, why is it still so controversial to not be wed before a baby?

My god
When can we stop referring to marriage as protection ffs.
No one else finds this embarrassing? Are we living in the 50's?
Marriage doesn't stop men being arse holes if you are with the wrong one then a piece of paper isn't changing that

@Happydays2025 for some women it does give financial protection especially if it turns out the man is an arsehole.

It’s savage isn’t it!

The point has been made a million times on this thread now.
It sounds so bitter and nasty to keep going on like this!

It’s not controversial. People have set out the very good reasons for marrying and advised on the things you should think about / discuss if you’re having a baby without marrying first. It seems that you’ve taken this advice on board, had the conversations, and your partner understands those concerns as well. Sounds like you’ve agreed a way forward that you’re both happy with and that balances out the various risks and costs and your own preferences. Wonderful!

I’m sorry your parents’ reaction is dampening the excitement a bit. If you have a good relationship otherwise I’d try to just let this go and trust that they will adore your baby when s/he arrives.

What if shocker my partner

A) isn’t an arsehole and wouldn’t ever leave me in a position where I was ‘unprotected’

B) I can protect myself - it’s 2025, I earn good money and have savings / financial support of my own.

C) we actually are going to get married anyway so….