Baby before marriage - parents NOT happy

[Oli16]

Me and my boyfriend are expecting our first baby and the way my parents have reacted makes me feel like I’m having a teen pregnancy (I’m 33, been with partner for 5 years who they love)

since telling them at Christmas they have been really weird about it, they say their excited but I’ve had multiple conversations with my mother who keeps asking me how “committed” my partner is and “why hasn’t he proposed to you yet” - I’m finding out their quite traditional and even though I say we have plans to get engaged / married quite soon, it’s left a very bitter feeling between us.

Its pretty common to have a baby before marriage but she says she “feels” for me which made me feel horrendous and upset.

has anyone else experienced people being dicks about having a baby before marriage?

so disappointed and I think they seem miffed too

I had a child out of wedlock. We got married when child was nearly 4. I owned my own house and had a job. If we hadn't got married I would still have been happy as my DC was the best thing that happened to me.

Didn't expect anyone to care, not at all.
Life doesn't have to be as miserable as you make out.
It must be exhausting being this way.

The unmarried young Mum I know has an amazing career.

It's not the same for all women.

The gender pay gap, as I understand it, is mainly because so many women do choose to step back after children.

my current employer is probably one of the most gender equal employers I’ve come across. We have women in many senior roles, our CEO is female. Men and women on the same grade get the same pay, it’s a published scale and no exceptions or negotiation.

however we still have a big gender pay gap, primarily because so many women are pt, compared to men, or are choosing “lesser” roles to fit round family.

until women and men start seeing themselves as equal, and women stop automatically taking a step back “because my wage doesn’t cover childcare”, then we will never close that gap.

Yes I think it’s time for me to bow out and say my goodbyes to Mumsnet it’s like the lions den! Thanks for your nice words of support, it is appreciated :) x

Are you speaking from your own experience? Sorry if that’s true

Not ignoring them at all - am well aware of the gender pay gap and glass ceilings that are barriers to full equality. It's still a long way off that's for sure. But it's not inevitable that women will be financially vulnerable because they are women. The depressing and untrue discourse on MN that 'marriage is protection' I think misses the point entirely that there are other ways for women to protect themselves, and that for women with good careers it can be financially devastating if they divorce. Education and a career and not being the default parent are the real protection. To be clear, I'm not anti-marriage at all - but it is a serious legal commitment that has both potential benefits and risks and I know too many people that have married without realising the full implications when it breaks down - including having to pay large sums of money and pensions to controlling and abusive exes.

Good luck @Oli16 . Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I also have a friend who was married, then had children, then got divorced. She got nothing from the divorce as he didn't have anything. She kept the house as she could pay the mortgage. She's done so well as she's a worker and has the most amazing relationship with her children.

Why is that weird? I think this is what I can’t get my head around, this opinion that’s it’s “weird” that my partner is planning a proposal. He’s basically already asked me but wants to get the ring and “make a romantic moment of it” not just rush it next week on a random weekday just because my parents have kicked off about when he will?

I trust he has a nice plan to do so - so why is it so ‘weird’

I think this is just a generational thing, it’s quite normal for couples to get engaged after baby news and the older generation find it scandalous but I understand the concern…just find it quite old fashioned!

OP as much as I've posted about the potential risks of marriage for some women, obviously you need to consider your own situation. If you believe you would benefit from marriage (e.g. if it's you that is going to go part time) then I would recommend a quick registry office wedding now. Can always have a big celebration later. The reason being I've seen many couples who got engaged while pregnant and then years later are still unmarried - the first year or so with a baby can be tough, especially if they have any health issues. There's no way I'd have been in a position to plan a wedding in the first year (although obviously some people do! - but you have no way of knowing at the moment how you will feel).

Did you give up your career when you had children and have a high earning DH?

I don't think it's scandalous or shameful. I wouldn't be worried about people clutching their pearls and whispering in corners. Fuck them. Who cares. I'd be worried about your financial positions and vulnerability. If you're not worried and feel secure in your position then good for you. You do you. I don't think anyone is telling you anything to be a wanker. It's from a place of care.

I don't know how you are defining the "older generation" here but I am pretty sure I will fall under your definition!!

I don't think it's scandalous or shameful. Unless you own your own property and are a high earner, I think it's risky. Financial security is not "old fashioned". It's prudent.

@Oli16 at the risk of pissing both you and @Happydays2025 off to the point of deleting an app (clutches pearls!) let's look at this from a slightly different perspective...

You said he has told you he plans to propose (as you're both creatives, presumably this needs to involve something deeply instagramable for it to be the real deal, otherwise the discussion you've already had would presumably 'count' as agreeing to get married already?)

You also said he has taken a salaried role for consistent income for now - so presumably will also be tucking away the minimum statutory pension contributions in his new, employed, role.

You also said your parents are a bit deflated about your decision not to get hitched prior to bringing a child into this world.

So what happens if?

1. You and baby die in childbirth? - Have you written a will now, or do you die intestate so everything you own reverts to your parents? The ones who aren't wildly chuffed with his priorities right now.
2. You're seriously ill/end up in a coma in childbirth? Do you have a medical POA in place giving your DP legal rights, or does this also revert to your parents - who clearly have a different worldview from your DP on some key ethical matters?
3. You develop severe PND after the arrival of DC? Your DP is still in salaried role, you can't find your mojo to work. He decides you're an utter fun sponge since having a child & nit the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with after all & shifts out - leaving you with the child & mortgage, but taking his proposal plans, salary & pension with him.
4. Your DC arrives with significant ongoing medical needs, you both hang in there, but 8 years down the line, he's accrued a significant pension pot, you've not 'been able' to return to client work in any meaningful way & oooop, there comes a younger model & you have no claim on that pension pot after all.
5. Or DP is flattened by a bus at some point & his job & life insurance pay out (say) £300k, and as joint tenants you inherit (say) £75k of house value & (say) £75k of pension. But then you have to fork out £50k in inheritance tax, because you hadn't got done the paperwork on a simple Civil Partnership while you were all wrapped in up in planning a creatively sumptuous wedding party... £50k which would have made a hell of a dent in 39 weeks a year of after school childcare & 5 weeks of school holiday clubs until DC was old enough to latchkey themselves in while you were working all hours to cover the bills as a single parent widow.

These are the kind of real world 'what ifs' parents get concerned about when looking out for their next of kin! It's not doom-mongering to consider some of the worst case scenarios which MAY happen.

Obviously I wish you all the best & hope you get a lush wedding away with none of the above happening - if that's already the plan? But it really, really, wouldn't be a bad idea to do a swifty civil partnership in the meantime - in the interests of both of you, as well as baby!

Beautifully said @MeandT

but remember what is important to the Op is the wedding ( not the marriage )

' I’d like to not be massive and pregnant on my wedding day (just my personal preference) and have our little babe with us, think it’d be sweet.'

I get that you women who have married men with amazing pensions and salaries and don't earn much themselves are so happy to be married. You must have nightmares about being unmarried.

My DH does earn twice as much as me and has a better pension but I work so wouldn't be totally fucked on my own. I'm confident we will stay together but who knows what the future will bring.

This is total BS the gender pay gap starts at the very beginning of a woman’s career, you would know this if you had done the research and read the detailed studies that surround equal pay, this happens long before any babies arrive.

Op you sound young and very sweet, and I wish you the very best with your baby. Your parents love you very much by the sounds of it, they are just looking out for you.

Ensure he does 50% of everything including the housework, childcare and the mental load from day one, this will free you up.

I noticed amongst my friends with just an only they took less of a hit, multiple children usually forces at least one parent into a part time role for some time, as childcare costs are so sky high and it can be very demanding. Not every couple will both have the option to work part time. Obviously a fleet of staff makes it much easier 😂

With the best planning in the world things might change, things happen that are unexpected. Plan for most scenarios, talk them through with your partner before the baby arrives so you are on the same page.

Enjoy your pregnancy and baby when the time comes. Think carefully about subsequent children .All the best.

So is it a generational thing to live together, buy a house, have a baby but still have/want a big proposal? Who talks about making a proposal or making a romantic moment of it? I find that weird and rather pathetic to be honest.

If you and him wanted some big show off proposal then why has he not done it already? All the men I know who proposed did so without having to tell their OH that they were going to do it.

You think it is old fashioned to be married before having a baby and yet are old fashioned enough to want a romantic show off proposal.

It's like you can't even imagine anything bad could ever happen to you, or that somehow you think your earning capacity will never be diminished. Or that because women are 'equal' now none of this matters.

Well men can't be pregnant, give birth, breastfeed, or go through the quite frankly earth shattering experience of becoming a mother. So while men and women hold the same value, we are not equal by any measure.

Marriage is the equalizer.

Nah fuck it, don’t let him call them to say you’re committed. Say since you’re expressing a very judgemental opinion as inevitable it seems inevitable I have to point out if you want to keep being negative anout my baby I’ll start to think you don’t want to meet them.

I'm in my mid fifties so you might be classing me as the 'older generation'. If so, rest assured I don't find it scandalous - there are plenty of scandalous things going on in the world and this isn't one of them. What I do think, from a position of having seen a lot of this over the years, is that far more women than men find themselves in very precarious positions if things goes wrong win their relationships and I find it sad that in 2025 there are still women who don't protect themselves legally - whether that's through marriage, a civil partnership or by paying a lawyer. If you're the higher income earner, will remain so throughout your life even after having children, you're asset-rich and you have absolutely nothing to lose then great - but otherwise, sort yourself out now.

Exactly. I am similar age to you, and not in the least bit scandalised. Dismissing older people's hard earned worldly experience as 'just a generational thing' or 'old fashioned' sounds so naive. Everyone thinks their relationship will be perfect when pregnancy hormones are racing. And then the hand grenade that is a baby lands in the middle. The first year particularly, when there isn't time or money for big weddings, so it can wait, then a second baby comes along, it can wait again. Then it is too expensive because life is. And all of a sudden, it is too late, the relationship has broken down and the woman is left holding the baby while the father leaves to find himself because he doesn't like being lower down the woman's priorities than his kids.

My younger brother has had his family without marriage. I have advised his partner to protect herself in case it goes wrong. They have been together 25 years. She works very part time, has no pension or property. She would be screwed if he left her. I hope he won't, but I can't know it.

I'm older and wiser now. I've had friends wonderful fiancé's leave them after the baby's born. Men can change as soon as things get tough, and babies are testing! They all regretted not marrying first, for financial security and legal responsibility. I would go to the registry office to marry. Then do the whole wedding celebration another time, when you've more time and money. You think nothing will happen to you, that's exactly what my friends said too. Your parents are right and just want the best for you. I wish you all the best.