Baby before marriage - parents NOT happy

[Oli16]

Me and my boyfriend are expecting our first baby and the way my parents have reacted makes me feel like I’m having a teen pregnancy (I’m 33, been with partner for 5 years who they love)

since telling them at Christmas they have been really weird about it, they say their excited but I’ve had multiple conversations with my mother who keeps asking me how “committed” my partner is and “why hasn’t he proposed to you yet” - I’m finding out their quite traditional and even though I say we have plans to get engaged / married quite soon, it’s left a very bitter feeling between us.

Its pretty common to have a baby before marriage but she says she “feels” for me which made me feel horrendous and upset.

has anyone else experienced people being dicks about having a baby before marriage?

so disappointed and I think they seem miffed too

She's right to have concerns. It's you that will be most affected by wages reducing, step back in work progression, not having a claim on his pension etc.

It’s a massively outdated concept. You’re 33 and have been together for 5 years!!

I would be telling them to back off or they won’t be involved.

Lovely that they are spoiling her pregnancy?

I think it's a bit embarrasing to be 33, in a long term relationship and pregnant with no marriage proposal. She is right to question his commitment.

Jesus. Sometimes I think the majority of posters live in the 50s.

Read all the threads on here about couples splitting up after a baby arrives, or decades in, but not married. And the woman has given up her career to raise their children. And is then left with nothing and no rights other than CMS.

Your mum is concerned, that is all.

OP, it's nothing to do with your parents whether you have a baby, get married.... or not. If they continue to be difficult, just stop speaking to them - they'll get the message.

The fact you describe him as your boyfriend makes it sounds like your aren't that committed, it's normal to describe him as a partner once your are in a committed relationship. Do you live together? I think your mum is worried he might walk away

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

Have a read of this. Your mother is right to be concerned.

Why is it embarrassing? Please elaborate :)

I used to feel like you op. Thought my relationship was sound and secure. I'm left holding the baby. Can't work as child is disabled (why we split up). So I can't pay off my mortgage or build a pension while he carries on Scott free. If we had been married I would have a claim to his pension at least.

They will be in one of two camps. Either it a moral judgement or it’s a practical judgement. Only you know what way you think is more likely.

I wanted the legal commitment and recognition before I had a child but my friend got the security level she wanted by being on the deeds, wills and her partner working 4 days a week and taking on some the childcare burden. If you’re parents are worried about your security maybe they have a point depending on the details of your set up that they do or do not know. If it’s some shit like “getting the milk for free”, well if that were my parent I’d tell they to take a hike.

Unless you earn more than him AND will be in the position to go back full time it is at best unwise to have a baby without being married.

Marriage gives all sorts of legal protections.

1. If you or him are seriously ill the spouse will be asked to make decisions. If you aren’t married you/he may not have any input.
2. If (god forbid) one of you dies and the other has left anything to you you’ll pay tax on it.
3. If you aren’t married and one of you dies without having made provision in a will - the other will get nothing.
4. This one is obvious - if you are married your assets are joint. Please tell us you co own or co rent your home ?

Thats just what I can think of off the top of my head.

We have bought a house together and own it equally :)

he has said he has plans to propose but I was the one wanting a baby soon.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way OP. And some of these comments 🙄

If they have specific concerns they should grow up and voice them. If it's about security you can write a will, get life insurance, name each other on pensions etc.etc.

If they think you should get married 'just because' then they are making you feel bad over something entirely baseless.

Is your plan to return to work ft when maternity leave is over?

That’s a good start. What about your career and future earnings ? Are they likely to decline ?

Since he’s planning to propose why not just go and do it ?

Not really embarrassing though is it. Preferred for some people, maybe but embarrassing? LOL 🤣

OP do what is right for you and your partner, if your parents can’t accept that that’s their issue. Don’t live your life by other people’s wishes

The point of marriage is that you wouldn’t have to spend time doing all of this.

If you prefer to do it this way then fine. But there are risks of not doing either.

I thought I was but their comments and level of interaction with me since telling them has made me feel really sad and doubting my decision to have a baby before marriage.

lots of my friends also have babies before marriage / got married after I don’t think it’s a huge issue as we always chat about getting engaged / married quite soon:)