Baby before marriage - parents NOT happy

[Oli16]

Me and my boyfriend are expecting our first baby and the way my parents have reacted makes me feel like I’m having a teen pregnancy (I’m 33, been with partner for 5 years who they love)

since telling them at Christmas they have been really weird about it, they say their excited but I’ve had multiple conversations with my mother who keeps asking me how “committed” my partner is and “why hasn’t he proposed to you yet” - I’m finding out their quite traditional and even though I say we have plans to get engaged / married quite soon, it’s left a very bitter feeling between us.

Its pretty common to have a baby before marriage but she says she “feels” for me which made me feel horrendous and upset.

has anyone else experienced people being dicks about having a baby before marriage?

so disappointed and I think they seem miffed too

There are so many threads on here where the man promises to propose and never does

Again. THERE IS NOTHING STOPPING A WOMAN FROM PROPOSING. It's like the last 70 years haven't happened. 🙄

Wow, people are judgey on this thread. Op I am happily cohabiting with my long term partner of 17 years, we have have two children, have never broke up and have absolutely no plans to get married. We are not religous I have my own career and money and we maintain separate finances but our wills leave our estates to one another. Our children are very happy, and I do not see any need to get a piece of paper to declare that I love my DH. I simply do not give two shits about marriage. I actually believe it is a patriarchal institution left over from a bygone era. Also, reading the number of threads here about issues arising from having to go through divorce, I am even more happy with our choice. In fact the fact we could easily walk away from each other but choose not to makes it even better.

It's not a moral judgement by Victorian Mumsnetters.

It's a bloody wake up call from people who have seen shit in life.

Such a good point. Me and my friends never waited for a man to propose, more than 30 years ago! There seems to have been a regression.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I’m sure your parents are happy for you but I suspect they just wish you were more secure, which is totally understandable. I think it’s a bit harsh saying they are being “dicks” about it.

I’m divorced and when I met DP, we had a baby quickly because of my fertility issues. We moved in together and talked loosely about marriage. It wasn’t my main priority at the time. Funnily enough afterwards, he changed his mind and decided that he doesn’t really believe in marriage. Thankfully financially, I’m secure having kept my job all this time. We are planning a civil partnership for security, but I realise I made a major mistake there!

My friend refused to move in with her partner unless they were married. I’m not sure he was keen but guess what? They got married!

Have your baby and have a wedding too and it will be doubly special and exciting!.

It's more than a piece of paper and it's not principally about declaring your love, though that is part of it.
When one of you dies, the one who is left will be in a worse financial position than if you were married, because of inheritance tax.
A civil partnership gives you the same rights and you don't need to go near a church.

And project it onto others.
Advice can be offered, but judgement should stop.

Me too! Didn’t realise it’d blow up so much ha!

I think your choice is fine and valid. With that being said marriage is a contract and legal institution, which can bring certain protection or even burdens depending on which you look at it.

This. It's the legal protection for both of you that is concerning. You will not be the next of kin to each other.

You need a serious think and conversation with your partner about your financial situation. Are you planning to give up work? Will he take an equal part of the responsibility? It’s possible to share many of the costs of having a child so that not being married is okay, but it could so easily leave you financially vulnerable. Many men say they will do an equal share but then actually expect the woman to do all the difficult / inconvenient stuff because obviously having a kid shouldn’t affect his career 🙄

Marriage is the simplest way to protect yourself and your child in the event of relationship breakdown. Your parents are right to be concerned. Talking about marriage is no real commitment. What does your bf say if you tell him it’s important to you to move this forward, or at least put a solid date on it? We’ll get married one day but never quite getting round to it would absolutely be a red flag for me. Sorry to be blunt when you probably just want to be excited about the baby (and congratulations, by the way!)

Carry on without marriage, if that suits you better, but in that case you must never accept being pushed to take on more financial vulnerability than your bf does. It’s not your sole responsibility to pay for childcare, for example, it’s joint. It’s not for you to figure out the drop offs, it’s joint. Don’t agree to live somewhere more expensive than you can afford because it suits him - unless he’s willing to also pay for you. Don’t use up your savings to cover mat leave, he needs to share that financial hit since you are doing it for his baby. If you are not legally a team you must be far more deliberate about splitting the work and long term career / financial consequences of a child.

The declaring love bit for me is just not relevant. I don't see how a wedding/marriage declares love. Especially if you look at divorce rates. For me the cons outweight the inheritence tax issue as I am principly against marriage as a concept.

FUCK THIS AND THE MISOGYNISTIC BOAT IT ROLLED IN ON.

Your judgement is the only thing that's embarrassing here.

It might be outdated, but you'll still be the one left holding the baby if he decides to leave, misbehave or not pull his weight. At least if you're married, it shows you are both committed to this new child , and you'll have some legal protection if it all goes tits-up.

What a ridiculous statement .

Even so, married people are much more likely to stay together than unmarried ones.

Until I spent a lot of time on Mumsnet and read several horror stories I wouldn’t have thought anything of it, but I do now think you need to protect yourself financially if you’re not married. I find now I’’m in my 40s with 2 kids I do think about these things more than I did when I was early 30s and when all the excitement of pregnancy was going on :)

Thank you this was nice to read within the sea of stressful comments! :) x

This. They are right, you are wrong.
You're too old to be girlishly stupid, thinking you'll have children and maybe get married later, or not.
If you've ever read mn, you'll know that marriage first is the neatest, surest way. If you aren't committed enough to each other, why have a child?
So, you're good enough for him to impregnate, and not good enough for him to marry?

See you again in a few years, a few children under your belt, when he finds the woman (22 and child-free, no doubt) that he loves enough to marry.

Sorry, OP. Do what you want. But you're not being 'modern' or trendy. You're just ignoring the common sense of women over the centuries.

A previous poster asked if you were planning to go part time. I didn't see a response, but I would say it's a significant factor. I wouldn't go part time without being married.

The latest divorce rates are 42 % of marriages end in divorce. So nearly half of all marriages just end in divorce anyway. Its a personal choice and often it is a religious choice. I can't find a statistic to show how many couples that are unmarried and have a child stay together but would be interested to know if you can find it!

You are right of course to avoid marrying if you are against it on principle. I just wanted to suggest that it has some implications that not everyone thinks of; the tax issue, and also that being married gives the woman more protection if there's a break up and she has reduced her earning potential by staying at home to care for children.
Quite agree that it does nothing to ensure that love continues. I know a couple who broke up pretty soon after getting back from their honeymoon.

Your mum is right. Please go through the hundreds of MN threads full of single mothers whose partners changed after having a baby and did an u turn leaving the mom financially unprotected.

There is always a lot of concern on here about women getting left in dire straits after being left by a partner they are not married to. Fair enough, but in my circle of friends most of us had out first babies at around your age, unmarried, and got married further down the line – I went to tons of weddings in my late 30s! I got married at 39 to my DH after 13 years together and when the DC were 3 and 6. For us getting married wasn’t a priority in our early 30s but we wanted a child together. We later talked about getting married eventually, when we did, there was no old fashioned, silly ‘proposal’, we just decided at the start of one year that the time was right, we had a bit of money to spare, and we went for it. Plenty of men are not bastards and I always trusted my DH, he was, and remains, a good egg.