Baby before marriage - parents NOT happy

[Oli16]

Me and my boyfriend are expecting our first baby and the way my parents have reacted makes me feel like I’m having a teen pregnancy (I’m 33, been with partner for 5 years who they love)

since telling them at Christmas they have been really weird about it, they say their excited but I’ve had multiple conversations with my mother who keeps asking me how “committed” my partner is and “why hasn’t he proposed to you yet” - I’m finding out their quite traditional and even though I say we have plans to get engaged / married quite soon, it’s left a very bitter feeling between us.

Its pretty common to have a baby before marriage but she says she “feels” for me which made me feel horrendous and upset.

has anyone else experienced people being dicks about having a baby before marriage?

so disappointed and I think they seem miffed too

If there’s capital in the house which you jointly own, if he were to die, inheritance tax would be payable on anything over £325,000
If you were married, there wouldn’t be.

Yeah I mean I am planning on playing the lottery and becoming a millionaire but ……

This.
you only have to read a fraction of the posts in MN to tell you what happens when non married couple break up when kids are involved.
blokes generally walk away with assets intake
women are way more likely to have to get state assistance, or suffer from gender pay and pension gaps for rest of their lives

allnthese women claiming mother here is old fashioned, 1950s concepts etc…nope…we’re just women who know marriage is primary a legal and financial contract that affords women who have children rights. Without it you have none other than recourse to expensive court procedures, child support agencies etc.

women who ignore this are being deluded by ignorance and a fair amount of patriarchy. A lot of Men don’t want to commit to those legal and financial contracts even if they father children, if they can get away with it. Biggest scam trick society has played on mothers …” oh, who needs marriage…it’s just old fashioned/ xpensive/ a piece of paper”

that piece of paper is your security you’re throwing away.

Generally (NAM and all that), men see Marriage as more of a commitment, as it has legal and financial implications for them. They do not see fatherhood as as big a commitment, because they know they can walk away / become a weekend dad without being demonised for it - because its common.

I wouldn’t judge you at all, from a moral perspective. It’s 2025 - do what you like. I’m sorry that your parents have made you feel rubbish.

However, as a mum of 2, I would advise you to get married or have a civil partnership, from an entirely pragmatic perspective. Despite the best intentions, very few of my friends have managed an exact 50:50 split with their partner in the financial and time costs of childrearing. Things are much better than they were in the past, but mum still has to be pregnant and deliver the baby, even if they then go straight back to work.

It might not seem very romantic, but it actually is pretty lovely to know that someone values you enough not to screw your future, whatever might happen!

I'm with your parents.

So many women here shocked when the husband / partner bolts and leaves them.

Beware NotMyNigel syndrome.

All of what pp said regarding lack of legal standing, financial potential problems, the stress baby brings to a partnership and higher likelihood of separation when there are no strings are attached. Lots of wisdom and examples.
The only thing I can add is just think about it. You're bringing a human into the world, who will need both parents, emotionally, financially. Raising a human being together is a big commitment. Are you ready for that commitment if you aren't ready to sign a paper with a quick trip to the registry office.
So that's why your mum is worried, and is thinking about these questions...

People may view the concept of marriage before children old fashioned, which is fie, and to a point I see the socially outdated viewpoint.

But what hasn't changed 'since the 50's' is the law regarding rights for married vs. unmarried people.

Unless you are, and remain to be the financially superior partner in this, I would also be concerned for you. Not for your moral choice because that is totally outdated, but for your legal foothold going forward. Look into this seriously.

Another one team mum. Have absolutely no problem with my kids having children before marriage from a moral point of view. But so many reason financially I think it’s pretty stupid to think it doesn’t matter. It really does.

From what name, to travel, to death in service, pensions, inheritance tax. Health decisions. If you split up and have to buy each other out there’s stamp duty, but not if you were married. The list goes on. Don’t be a fool.

Yes. My mother did the whole “unwed mother” , you need protection guilt trip.

unfortunately I listened and got married.

I am the higher earner. I owned a house, ISA’s, I was financially set. Dh had been divorced and lost his house and all his savings.

so now, should dh and I split he gets half my house, pensions, and any other assets. I’ve gone from being very financially stable to potentially losing my house in a divorce.

my sister luckily learned from me and has not got married. She had fewer assets and bought her house with her dp, but it’s all done fairly and should they split they both walk away with the same % they put in.

Don’t listen to anyone pushing you irl or on here. It’s between you and your partner. Get financial advice first.

She’s just concerned about for you and your future, she is probably imagining the worst case scenarios happening for you and is worried, I doubt that it’s about tradition and more about security for you

Don’t be so ridiculous. I’d be embarrassed if I were you with your outdated views

I hear you!
But I also kind of understand your parents!
Have been in a relationship for 13 years, 2 kids, primary aged. Relationship has broken down.
I work 3 days a week he has almost tripled his salary since we met. I am doing 90% of childcare or organise external childcare for them when I am not around.
I am screwed financially. I scaled back my career for his, have no real pension etcetc.
Your parents are only concerned for you and your future incase things turn sour!
If you had asked me 10 years ago I would have agreed with you but now I think it is best to get married for your own security in a financial way! And it doesn't have to be a big wedding etcetc!

I think a lot of women were promised marriage before having their child / children but then after having the children it just never happened, If you want to get married why not just do it now before the baby comes along and have a simple cheap small wedding?

The replies to this are unhinged. It's completely normal to have a baby with a serious partner without being married. Lots of people never get married. I am not sure if I want to! I would be very upset if my parents had reacted this way when I was pregnant.

I've read some lovely posts today on Mumsnet and then I come across dick posts like this and it brings me back down to earth with how many awful posters there are.

Unless you're independently wealthy or likely to remain better off, then i can see why they are concerned. Most (admittedly not all) women will be at greater financial risk having children outside marriage. If you were my daughter I'd be a bit concerned for you too, though I'd do my best to hide it and not make comments. As you say you're an adult not a teenager!

It's socially perfectly acceptable to have children while unmarried these days. If that's what your parents are bothered about then that's silly.

But if it's your financial position that is the concern then I get it. Your boyfriend is "thinking about proposing" - why are you so passive? Marriage should be an equal decision, not a treat bestowed on the woman if the man feels like it. He's not exactly in a rush either though the baby is on the way. So many women on here whose boyfriends made loose references to marriage but delayed because babies are expensive, then they go off the idea and it never happens. Meanwhile the woman halts her career with maternity leave, goes part time, puts less in her pension ... and is entitled to so much less than a married woman if things go wrong. Sorry.

I'm impressed that someone living in the 1950s has access to the Internet

@Oli16
It is perfectly possible to reproduce the protections of marriage - except for IT, which affects very few,and some employer pensions- by a quick trip to a solicitor. But it it certainly an issue that needs to be talked about. Your mother is right to want you to think about it.

Actually we have all assumed that the op is the financially weaker one. Maybe she is a millionairess?

To add some positivity, I wanted a baby prior to my now husband proposing. We had plans to marry and we did. He proposed not long after DS turned 1, we got married the same year and now expecting our second.

People have all sorts of reasons for prioritising having a child over marriage first. If you have plans to marry then the financial scaremongering is irrelevant.

They're being ridiculous. Ridiculous opinion and even more ridiculous to express it!

yeah i think you've hit the nail on the head there.

For men, the commitment is marriage.
For women, the commitment is having a child together.

Discuss marriage with him, see his reaction? You have now made a little family unit.

Don’t listen to the haters, I know so many lovely couples with children who aren’t married/ weren’t when conceiving their first child! If you know you’re truly doing the right thing and having a baby with a partner you know you can work with to give this baby the best life possible then you have nothing to worry about X