Baby before marriage - parents NOT happy

[Oli16]

Me and my boyfriend are expecting our first baby and the way my parents have reacted makes me feel like I’m having a teen pregnancy (I’m 33, been with partner for 5 years who they love)

since telling them at Christmas they have been really weird about it, they say their excited but I’ve had multiple conversations with my mother who keeps asking me how “committed” my partner is and “why hasn’t he proposed to you yet” - I’m finding out their quite traditional and even though I say we have plans to get engaged / married quite soon, it’s left a very bitter feeling between us.

Its pretty common to have a baby before marriage but she says she “feels” for me which made me feel horrendous and upset.

has anyone else experienced people being dicks about having a baby before marriage?

so disappointed and I think they seem miffed too

No it's not and it's naive to think it is. Take a look at all the unmarried mums posting on here who are in a mess due to this stuff.
Marriage/Civil partnership is an important legal status which confers a lot of benefits for women having children in a relationship.
Your mum is right to be concerned.

They are just concerned. I doubt it's some sort of moral judgement. They want you to have the protection of marriage.

The first two years of a child's life can be a very tough time in a marriage. The fact that you have a marriage in the first place, in some ways gives the tough time a foundation so that people can get through it.

I've been married 25 years. When I had a baby 19 years ago, I remember thinking very angrily (when a friend was getting married, that's what made me think it): fucking hell I wouldn't marry DH now. Because we were having a rough baby/toddler time. Point is, I am still married to him now - it was a rough time that we got through.

Also, when you have a kid, it can be pretty much all consuming. It is better to get married first IMO. Again, not a moral judgement - just a solid foundation.

Unless your parents have form for being dicks, they are not actually being dicks, they are looking out for you.

If you must, but your child gets your name.

BF doesn’t need to go on the birth cert, either. He would be on if you were married, but you’re not.

You can’t give up work to look after the baby.

If BF isn’t bothered about paperwork eg marriage, let him stay off all of it. Your parents are worried.

Your parents are worried. They’re right. X

I think the world of my sil. However I advised dd not to get pregnant until she was married.
Until the legal system acknowledges that mothers whether married or not should be protected financially then marriage, imo, should happen before babies.

All of the above.

If you were my DD, I would be concerned too. You could be making yourself very vulnerable.

It's not that you can't be lovely and not married FFS 🙄

It's just that when you have children, you need a heck of a lot more financial security than when you don't, and the sad truth is that unmarried women will often (not always, but often) come off worse in a separation scenario.

This inevitably also affects the kids disproportionately, who often end up with their mother the majority of the time.

No one's saying anything about how "lovely" people are. Honestly.

I think if you're planning on having children, you should get married for your own financial protection.

As PPs have said just don't leave yourself vulnerable.

I know a young Mum who is now seperated and they weren't married. She earns more than the child's Father and is living a very good life.

Not saying you will seperate.

Edited to say that the Father plays an equal part of the child's life.

The Mum doesn't rely on the dad financially.

Your parents are absolutely right - please refer to the concurrent post - why does a "partner" have to pay inheritance tax if the other 'partner' dies. Not to mention literally dozens of other posts - my partner left me - CMS - my partner wants nothing with the child.

You say you are 33, be an adult when you scrutinise their concern.

I can see both sides here. But do make sure to protect yourself. and don’t give your child his surname. (Never understood women who willingly don’t get married yet are happy to have a different surname to their children. )

I think it's fine as long as there's a proposal and imminent marriage.

I'm young, mid 30s, and every friend who has had a baby before they were married (or didn't get married very shortly after) has had a bad experience - I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I'm aware that's not the case for everyone but it gives pause for thought.

You need to also consider why your DP doesn't deem it a matter of urgency to give you the financial security of marriage now you are having his child. It's so important.

@Oli16 If you were my daughter I would be concerned too. You have far less rights when you are not married, and you don't have to look far on here to find thread after thread written by women who have discovered this to their cost. It's so easy to think "it won't happen to me" but the reallity is that it does happen to too many women.
Have you had open discussions about finances?
Who will fund maternity leave?
Will you be a SAHM or going part time?
Have you made wills?

There are a lot of men out there who say they plan to propose, it's easy to talk about marriage but never do it.

If you aren't financially independent I'd be worried too. It is a massive risk to rely on someone else when you don't have the security of marriage to protect you.

Oh OP I would be so annoyed having to listen to outdated views about how you absolutely should get married first! I can tell you from my experience, most marriages I had visibility of growing up ended in divorce so I have seriously negative connections and have no desire to get married whatsoever. For me, I am vastly the higher earner in our relationship, house is in my name as my partner sold his when he moved into my house, I had my full time job to go back to after my first mat leave and the same one to go back to after my second! Marriage is not essential for everyone, people are just so used to assuming that women are the ones who are always financially worse off 🙄

Congratulations on your pregnancy and don't let any negativity put any unnecessary pressure on your relationship or stop you from choosing your own timelines!

I doubt you parents are being “dicks” and have concerns as detailed in numerous posts for the many reasons.

I guess the issue is that as a 33 year old adult you don’t appreciate their concerns for you in the way they are intended. Don’t burn bridges you might need them more than you think.

Personally I’d want a civil partnership as a minimum before the baby arrived but I like to know I’ve done everything I can to protect myself. Read too many horror stories on MN - and some are a real eye opener.

thing is although its outdated unfortunately the law doesn't give you any protection if not married

Perhaps your mum is a MNetter and has been on here long enough to see the numerous posts by women who find themselves in a vulnerable position many years into a relationship with DC when it becomes apparent that their partners have no intention of marrying them which in turn gives them all the legal and financial protection needed?

There are lots of very sensible posts on here about why marriage is far more than a piece of paper. I can understand why your mum's worried and I would have a conversation with your DP about the legal stuff asap - or go to the registry office quickly and then have a blessing and party after the baby's born.

You say that "we have plans to get engaged / married quite soon". If he wanted to marry you, he'd be proposing right now and coming up with the ring. The idea that after 5 years you are happy to have a child with a man who is not in any hurry to stand up in front of this friends and family and say you are the one astonishes me. Frankly, he's getting everything he wants without having to get married. Even if you keep working, it is likely that your career will suffer with less time to devote to it. Is he going to be making up the shortfall in your retirement savings and career progression?

The other thing is that, statistically, people are less likely to walk out if they are married. They tend to feel obliged to try to sort things out. The same does not apply to people who have plans to get engaged/married quite soon.

I think your parents have a stronger grasp of reality than you do here. I would be talking to your partner about maybe having a quick civil ceremony and perhaps following up with a party after the baby is born.

OP - I am not one to rush to tell everyone to get married. YOU just need to look at your own context.

If your house is jointly owned and you are on the deeds / registered as joint owner on the Land Registry - that's good. That's one area of potential insecurity addressed.

If you earn the same or more than him, and are not planning to take extended time off work, or go part time then another potential issue is addressed. You need to make sure you keep your own career as an equal priority, your pension as well resourced as his, and that he takes equal number of child-sick days so that it isn't just your professional performance that takes the hit.

If you will in any way compromise your own earning power for parenthood and childcare responsibilities, then I would get married. Divorce is no fun as a single woman whose financial independence has been trashed by doing the unpaid half of running a family and a home.

But as for talk of it being somehow 'embarrassing' not to be married, what a load of nonsense.

There is a thread about people being shocked to learn that two people who own a house but are unmarried, if one dies, the other has to pay tax on it. Did you know this?

"If a couple isn’t married but own their property between them, the surviving one will need to pay inheritance tax on their partners half of the house (and other assets) if they die.
Effectively they will lose their home to pay the IHT unless they also have huge savings.
How can that be allowed in this day and age when so many couples cohabit without getting married?"

I know. Imagine waiting for a man to propose in 2025. If only women had some agency!

I just need to point out that the divorce rate is irrelevant, everyone who ever got divorced had the protection of marriage.

When you split without being married you get nothing. You are completely at the mercy of whoever was the breadwinner.

But your experience of marriages ending in divorce is even more reason to get married when you’re having a child. Marriage isn’t the reason they end, the relationship runs its course which happens married or not, the difference is that at least with divorce you are financially protected.

Statistically about half of babies are born outside of marriage, so I don't think something 50% of people do can be embarrassing. (Of course, some get married later...)

It's certainly very common!
Are you significantly wealthier than the father, with a far better paid job? Will you take 6 months maternity leave then back to work, sharing childcare costs 50/50 with him?
Will you give the child your family name?
If the answer to any of these questions is "no" then I completely understand your parents reaction. You are putting yourself massively at risk with an adorable, but expensive, ball and chain attached for the next 18 years, with no legal commitment from the father of the child. If you split, he will be required to pay a few measley hundred pounds a month towards the child's upkeep, free to go on and procreate haphazardly with his next girlfriend. He may not, if course...