What was post delivery like if your partner couldn't stay overnight in hospital?

[ridl14]

I'm in an area of the Midlands where my husband wouldn't be able to stay overnight post delivery. I've read up on the care in hospitals in my area and the birth centre where I had hoped to try and give birth - FTM so going for a hospital but it's an option to transfer to the birth centre for aftercare (which is rated Good as opposed to the hospitals, Requires Improvement).

I've also read both sides of people for and against partners being able to stay - I still feel so anxious about not having my husband there and the ward potentially being understaffed and not having help to get to the bathroom, with baby's first meconium nappy, being able to pick baby up if I have to have an emergency C section etc. From what I've read, my chosen hospital's care is good during delivery but can be lacking in terms of aftercare.

Would love to hear people's experiences! I'll definitely ask about transferring but don't know if that's even the best option for me and my newborn

No, the women complaining are doing so because they want to feel safe and have a degree of privacy at a time of vulnerability.

Random men, even if they are your Nigel, are still strangers and still men.

It seems to be the norm in most countries worldwide, that partners are only allowed to stay overnight in private rooms. I think Netherlands might be the only one that allows men to stay overnight on mat wards. My friend gave birth in Germany and could only have her DH stay overnight if there was a family room available - even though there were 4 beds free in the ward. A friend in NYC had the same. Japan can be strict and not even allow partners to stay overnight in private rooms. In the country I was born, men weren't allowed into delivery rooms back then so my poor dad sIept on a bench outside for the 18 hour labour (luckily they changed this stupid policy). American and Canadian hospitals have a lot of private rooms though, my Canadian friend said her local hospital had only private rooms! Made me want to migrate there immediately.

Other countries do have much better post natal care from staff though which makes this bearable. But I don't think the solution is having men stay on the wards because it's just using up the limited resources and adds to the overcrowding. TMy local hospital now have very strict rules for visitors to the ward about no phone calls, using only visitor loos etc to make it more bearable during visiting hours. I am dreading giving birth as I know post natal care can be dire, and as much as I would love to have DH around, it would mean having other DH's around which I would hate and isn't fair to the mums.

All my friends have coped without their DH but said the care was abyssmal, one was lucky to get a private room where DH stayed so I would definitely see if that's an option on the day.

They're in a bay. There's no reason to deny a new mother support when we all know the state of the NHS. In my case, not only did the woman's complaints make it much more unsafe for the female staff, it meant they were less able to give close care to those who did not have support or needed medical observation as they were doing things for people like me instead of tending to higher risk patients.

That's why I went home.

Bays are not private rooms. Anyone can be wheeled in at any time.

Maternity care was piss poor when I had mine in the 90s, wasn't much better in the '00s after more money went in. We should all be complaining more about the quality of health care for women, not wheeling in random men for those women privileged enough to have one and making the situation worse for everyone else.

Never had my husband stay after any of the childrens birth, 1993 - 1997 and 1 was a c-section. Found it quite nice to be honest, a little alone bonding time x

Absolutely this! I am so grateful men were only allowed in at visiting time to mine (2020) so for those 3 hours a day I could avoid them. The rest of the time I could shuffle around sometimes bent over and worried about dripping blood while I went to find the showers.

My husband didn't stay either time and honestly would have chosen it that way even if it had been an option. His priority at that point is to sleep, be ready and awake to help me at home, prep the house, get a good shop in etc. There would have been nothing for him to do beyond what the midwives can and they are the source of all knowledge. It was good having him there in the day to hold baby while I showered or slept, but at night it was just constant awake feed cat nap on repeat.

You have curtains. It was selfish, but it was fine because I just discharged myself against medical advice so the woman who didn't like my husband helping me could be in peace. I hope she had a pleasant night. Luckily it transpired I didn't have sepsis.

Same here. It just wasn't a thing 20+ years ago. I'd definitely prefer no fathers there overnight than having a load of strange men around during that tricky time.

Mine wasn't allowed to stay (nor did I want him to). If you are unable to care for baby or need help, the midwives are always around.

I had a very long, hard labour, and slept for eight hours afterwards. The nurses looked after DS until I was awake and had been helped to bathe. Then they were around if I needed help.

I was always relieved when visiting time was over and the men/families left, so we could get some peace.

I am old, but even the idea of being on a ward with other women's male partners around appals me!
You will manage fine on your own, as women have been doing for a very long time.

"the midwives are always around."

That's not the experience reported by a vast number of women, some on this very thread. Plus, you know, even an "easy" birth is tremendously hard on the body. We should be resting. Just because we could in theory, drag ourselves up if our baby needed it, doesn't mean we should.

You know, when my mum had me, she had a haemorrhage but was okay. That night, she was in a private room and a student stayed with her all night to help her out as my mum didn't want me to go their nursery.

My son was born during lockdown so my husband had to leave pretty much immediately after I gave birth. Contrary to most on here I had a terrible experience alone on the first night. I hadn't eaten or slept in over 24 hours, was left with a catheter in and laying in blood until the next morning. I asked for help and was told to get on with it lol. The midwives were busy and overstretched. Hopefully things in the postnatal ward have got better in the last 4 years!

@ByGentleFatball Yes, I think I may have been lucky. The local NHS hospital is run by the army and the efficiency was on another level.

I think you and I must've been at the same hospital! My baby was born at 6am, we got put on a ward shortly after, DH sent home about 8pm. My cubicle had about 2cm between the edges of my bed and the curtain, there was nowhere to put anything, I was in so much pain from stitches trying to bend down and rummage in my bags for stuff. My baby screamed ALL NIGHT for 10 straight hours and not a single midwife helped me, just rolled their eyes and asked if she was my first and said she's probably hungry, but no offers to help me feed. Another midwife yelled at me for walking round with her, I was just trying to stop her crying and she snarled at me to go back to bed. In the end I sat on the floor in the toilet with her and we just cried together. Discharged myself immediately at 9am when DH arrived back, i'd had no sleep since the birth and I was talking gibberish from exhaustion.

Try your best to get an amenity room (ask the minute you arrive if one is available) and honestly if your partner is able to stay, hold onto them for dear bloody life. This was 2022.

My husband was kicked out around 2 hours after a painful, traumatic and premature birth due to visiting hours. I sobbed all night, I was in shock and needed support. I can tell you first hand there was nobody on hand to help. I stared at my daughter and had no idea what to do. I didn’t even have a hospital bag packed because she came early, I pressed for help and nobody came. The woman in the bay opposite sounded like she was having a breakdown. Bells went off all night.

I had to stay in the best part of a week. It was horrendous. I sympathise and understand why some women do not want men around but they need to do something about the women who do, we can’t prioritise one over the other it isn’t fair. Different bays or something - I don’t have all the answers and I’d be interested to know if this impacts women who give birth out of hours more. If you give birth at 7am and your partner can stay all day I’d imagine it’s a different experience to giving birth at midnight. I didn’t want my husband to stay every night but even that first night would have been endlessly valuable to me.

I’m so surprised with posters who had midwives take care of the babies so they could sleep, I’m not joking when I say there was NOBODY. I had birth reflections to help with a number of issues and the Matron confirmed that it was under urgent review due to so many women not feeling supported. My friends gave birth in Cambridgeshire and Surrey at a similar time and their husbands could stay.

October 2023.