What was post delivery like if your partner couldn't stay overnight in hospital?

[ridl14]

I'm in an area of the Midlands where my husband wouldn't be able to stay overnight post delivery. I've read up on the care in hospitals in my area and the birth centre where I had hoped to try and give birth - FTM so going for a hospital but it's an option to transfer to the birth centre for aftercare (which is rated Good as opposed to the hospitals, Requires Improvement).

I've also read both sides of people for and against partners being able to stay - I still feel so anxious about not having my husband there and the ward potentially being understaffed and not having help to get to the bathroom, with baby's first meconium nappy, being able to pick baby up if I have to have an emergency C section etc. From what I've read, my chosen hospital's care is good during delivery but can be lacking in terms of aftercare.

Would love to hear people's experiences! I'll definitely ask about transferring but don't know if that's even the best option for me and my newborn

Also though there were some male partners who did stay on the ward and I didn't find their presence intrusive, we were all in curtained bays anyway and I think I'd been a bit desensitised privacy wise by having given birth and a million people seeing all my bits...!

I stayed with my wife both times and we were glad this was possible. We had to abide by the very reasonable rules - no wondering around, no phone calls, no trying to eat mum's food or get in her bed, visitors toilet only, no leaving and re-entering. Everyone followed these strictly when we were there - they made it very clear you'd be evicted by security if you didn't.

I did feel somewhat uncomfortable but ultimately my wife and children were in a vulnerable position so I was always going to do what I could to help.

Apparently it didn't used to be allowed in our hospital - I suspect it was introduced as a practical measure given the staffing numbers. For our first child we were in for five nights and for the second the cumulative effect of two category 1 sections had left my wife very weak. While she could have pressed the buzzer for every change and cry, disturbing others and waiting in desperation, it was nice to avoid that. It also meant that attention was left for those with no one else to help. And even in the best resourced hospitals you wouldn't hope for someone to stay up all night watching so my wife could sleep in comfort with baby on breast.

Others around us seemed to benefit similarly. Honestly our experiences of post natal wards is that they aren't particularly pleasant and you should take any opportunity to make them easier to bear. I wouldn't base your decision on this factor alone but don't discount it totally either.

I think men have no place on the postnatal ward beyond visiting hours. My DH couldn't stay when each of our three were born.

I'd have hated having to have some other bloke I didn't know snoring, burping and farting just inches away on the other side of a flimsy curtain when I felt in such a vulnerable state.

Surely if brand new mothers are expected to cope with things like meconium nappies because the baby is theirs and it’s their jobs the same could be applied to brand new fathers too?

DH was able to stay and he did all of the nappies when DS was born. He learned on the ‘job’ just the same as I did.

It wasn't an option for dh to stay when any of my four were born.

Dd1 I did a 4 hour discharge so didn't even get to post natal
Dd2 had to stay 24 hours due to GD got a private room dh stayed til about 10 then went home spent most of the next day with us it was fine
Ds1 was born at 7am got a private room and we just chilled dozed til we left at 7pm (ds was so heavy they made us wait 12 hours)
Ds 2 born at 7am home for lunch.

You don't always need to stay. Although obviously depends on how everything goes. I was super lucky with my births.

I was prepared for my DH not to stay, happy no men allowed, but I was not prepared for the fact that my wee one did not sleep at all so it was hard from that aspect. No checks by midwife's and really struggled to get pain meds after EMCS so I took my own paracetamol/ibuprofen the next time.

I think people are trying to reassure the OP that while it will be a bit shit (or really shit), she will cope. Not to dismiss her concerns or say she is being precious.

I am 💯 in agreement that post natal care is shockingly crap. But the answer to that is not to have DH’s in a post natal ward for very good reasons around dignity, safety and privacy.

I've had two sections, one emergency one elective, and overnight that first night solo both times. Was it hard at times? Yes. Would husband have made it easier? Probably. Did I manage anyway? Yes.

Honestly if you do end up having a c section you have people coming in to check your vitals quite frequently at first anyway, and especially with second I quite enjoyed that quiet time overnight, just the two of us. By the time I was back on ward and DH had gone, my mobility had returned a fair bit and could get DDs out of the bedside cot okay. They try to get you on your feet and mobile very quickly, which I found really helpful as the only time I had any real pain was when I had been sedentary for too long and started to move again.

We had to stay in a few nights after being readmitted with DD1 and I found those nights much harder than the first one, but that was to do with sustained lack of sleep and issues with breastfeeding etc.

No. I had very traumatic deliveries which made me feel very vulnerable. That's why I didn't want other people's partners around me. I just wanted to be on my own and in peace.

I don't know how hospitals can refuse to let a partner stay, yet not have the staff to adequately support new mothers and babies. I had an emgency c-section under GA and then a massive hemorrhage a few hours afterwards. The hospital just put the baby in a plastic box on the other side of the room from me (totally out of reach when I was completely bed bound and couldn't walk at all) and left him there. If my then DH hadn't been allowed to stay, no one would have held, fed or changed the baby; or badgered the nurses for my morphine or got me anything to eat or drink. (New mothers were only offered toast and you had to be mobile enough to walk out of the ward to the corridoor to get it yourself. No one employed by the hospital brought you anything to eat or drink if you were stuck in bed.)

If it's possible, I would try transferring to a hospital that will allow your DH to stay with you.

@Topseyt123 well weren't you lucky to get the support from staff :). Not everyone else is, but as long as you were ok 🫠

@C152

Completely agree. I don't think that partners are a replacement for proper care however, but what else is supposed to happen?

Had a similar experience to you and was offered multiple times the wrong medication, no medication, someone else's medication. The only person keeping track of this was my husband - who else would have done that!

No way I’d have my baby in a hospital that a) required improvement or b) had this rule. Ask for a home birth certificate- safer than a poor hospital.

Thank you! That's what I'm hoping tbh just get through the night and hopefully can get discharged ASAP because I know I'll get looked after at home. It's just staffing I'm worried about, if I knew there would definitely be nurses on hand if I needed them I'd be fine, I just know too many friends who've not had good experiences with the NHS and I understand they're stretched and aftercare isn't a priority. Hopefully just a night or so - I'm not worried about showering etc just as long as I can walk around myself and pick baby up okay.

That sounds very reassuring! I'm honestly not expecting to be waited on just to know someone will come if I buzz and really need someone! Thank you for your reply 😊 great idea to make friends with nearby mums if I need to go to the loo etc!

When I was on the ward, everyone kept their curtains drawn. I used to have a wee whilst baby slept (left her in her little cot next to my bed). I'd shower before DP left the hospital in the evening.

I had my baby in July. DH went home around 6pm (DS born at 1pm) as we wanted our DD to have some normality- it was her last week at nursery before the summer holiday so he wanted to get up and take her to nursery on the Monday. It was absolutely fine, midwives did lots of rounds, one took DS and fed him for me so I could have a chunk of sleep, I took my iPad to watch some TV and the night went by quite quickly. The next morning I parked DS at the midwives station so I could nip down and get a coffee and a croissant from Costa at the hospital then DH returned around 9am after dropping DD at nursery. Went home around 1pm. All in all a pretty nice experience

It was grand. Partners do not stay here and thank goodness. I had a section and with my second, a big hemorrhage when I went to go to the toilet, but the staff were marvellous.

Honestly unlike many others I wish my husband had stayed both times. It is a vulnerable time and all I wanted was a familiar face during the long night. I also needed the physical and emotional support and the ward was understaffed and despite buzzing for a midwife for help they would take a very long time to come by and offer the support I needed. I would try and transfer if you're worried or try and get home ASAP.

I couldn’t have my partner stay overnight, and now pregnant again and won’t be able to again they have to leave at 8pm (or an hour after birth if after 8pm) they were rules brought in for covid and i think it’s beyond ridiculous. You have your own ‘room’ anyway (inside the curtain) Even if they have to sleep in a chair i don’t see how it’s a problem.
I found it absolutely barbaric to be honest, the amount of staff were so thin on the ground they just didn’t respond to the buzzers, which wouldn’t have been an issue if my partner was there to grab me a drink or help me hold my baby. I just think it would actually take the pressure off them.
The lack of support on most post natal wards is quite frankly disgusting and i think your so exhausted you do need that extra person there.

DH didn't stay after my first birth (c section) although he could have - we decided there was no point, he should get some sleep and nurses etc could help if needed. What a mistake! It was an absolute shit show on the post natal ward, no one to help lift the baby, nurses and midwives not answering call buttons for hours, no painkillers, lying in a pool of blood. Bit hard to advocate for yourself when you're two hours post op and can't move and no one is responding. The ward was full of screaming babies and mothers given the lack of support and I discharged myself the following morning. For my second birth DH will absolutely stay - and frankly after my previous experience I really don't care if it makes other women uncomfortable having men spend the night on the ward, I'll be doing what's best for me and my baby in light of the completely substandard maternity care in the UK.

The OP asked for people's experiences. Just because you don't like it that some of us didn't have husbands there never mind staying overnight (despite our difficult births) and coped just fine, doesn't mean we shouldn't have told the OP.

Thank you, I'm sorry about your experience though it's reassuring to hear you found it manageable still! And about pain relief too

Thank you and so sorry about your experience. Will add painkillers to my hospital bag!

Thank you - yeah I think this is the best plan! Obv I don't want to make anyone else uncomfortable but I'm very lucky to have a very supportive (and quiet and hygienic, from some of these comments!) DH who I know I can 100% rely on after birth so I'd feel less anxious knowing he was there or if I felt like I could rely on the staff in the ward. Mixed responses on here so far about that last point.

I'm just hoping I can get home ASAP or transfer unless I really need to stay in the hospital, then I'll just suck it up.

I've had good care at the hospital so far which has convinced me to give birth there, but the NHS is just on its knees. Even my last midwife appointment they couldn't give me my MatB1 form because they'd run out, couldn't do bloods because they'd run out of vials to put the blood in... I found out I was apparently supposed to be offered a whooping cough jab at 20 week scan, now 28 and no one mentioned it until now... They're doing their best but I'm just not confident in staffing.