What was post delivery like if your partner couldn't stay overnight in hospital?

[ridl14]

I'm in an area of the Midlands where my husband wouldn't be able to stay overnight post delivery. I've read up on the care in hospitals in my area and the birth centre where I had hoped to try and give birth - FTM so going for a hospital but it's an option to transfer to the birth centre for aftercare (which is rated Good as opposed to the hospitals, Requires Improvement).

I've also read both sides of people for and against partners being able to stay - I still feel so anxious about not having my husband there and the ward potentially being understaffed and not having help to get to the bathroom, with baby's first meconium nappy, being able to pick baby up if I have to have an emergency C section etc. From what I've read, my chosen hospital's care is good during delivery but can be lacking in terms of aftercare.

Would love to hear people's experiences! I'll definitely ask about transferring but don't know if that's even the best option for me and my newborn

I discharged myself when the woman next to me kept loudly complaining that my partner was in my bay (they're allowed to stay). I don't know where hers was.

The ward was very busy and there was no way the midwives could give me the assistance I needed. They didn't even have any students in the wards that week and they were feeling their absence massively. I went home.

I just went home after 12 hours. They said I couldn't, but I went anyway. I was ravenous and had nothing to eat, no way to get a bath, and the ward was really full. I only saw 3 nurses in 12 hours and they had no advice or help for me.

It was good going home. I ate a lot and had a good night's sleep. The next day the midwife from the GP surgery came and saw me, and the next day a care worker, and then I was on my own after that.

It's been total fucking disaster ever since tbh, but I'm glad I went home from the hospital because it would have been even worse if I hadn't.

First baby was in Covid times and partner had to leave after baby was born and only visit during 3 hours window a day. It was fine! I mainly dozed after my c section and got to know my baby.

second baby my husband again only visited a few hours a day as he was mainly looking after our DC1. It was fine!!

both times c sections but I found the midwives helpful so that’s all I needed

Honestly I found being alone after the birth fairly brutal. I had just had an emergency section, was still coming down from the drugs, obviously couldn't walk. Was wheeled into a shared room with my baby wheeled next to me, and just left to it. I had never cared for a baby in my life and couldn't believe anyone thought I was in acceptable condition to do so now. But visiting hours had already ended, so tough.

Your DH is better off being at home getting a good nights sleep and having the fridge full of easy meals etc.

Yes it does seem daunting but honestly it will be fine - vast majority of women don’t have DH with them overnight for good reasons as outlined in other posts .

No experience of c-section. The nurses took the babies on the odd occasion I was madly tired so I could try and sleep.

They also volunteered and showed me how to give the baby a bath. Couldn't fault them even when the ward was short staffed.

There was actually no need for external help while in hospital.

In my experience it's fine. The first nappy generally happens quite quickly while the midwife and/or your partner will still be there. During the actual overnight part there's nothing you'd really need partner for. Partners were allowed to stay (in a chair) in our hospital, but I sent him home anyway to get some proper sleep so he could be more useful to both of us! Babies a generally quite settled on their first night and there are staff around. Also, if you're low risk (which by the sound of it, you are) there's a chance they'll send you straight home without an overnight stay anyway! Best of luck with your delivery and enjoy those newborn snuggles 😊.

Totally fine! He went home both times in the evening and came back first thing in the morning with a big coffee for me.

At my hospital only in the individual rooms can women have someone overnight. I'm at risk of severe mental illness in the days after birth so in my birth plan with my consultant it was specified that I was to have an individual room so my partner could stay overnight.

I gave birth in 2020 so this wasn't an option. My partner was there 8am til 8pm then the staff we available overnight. I'm pregnant again but this time my partner won't be able to stay overnight even if allowed as he'll need to be with our daughter overnight. He'll will probably have to leave in time to pick her up from after-school club so will miss the evening too

My friend gave birth in a different city in 2020 and her partner was only allowed in 2h a day

I think these responses from women who think it's unnecessary to have your partner with you clearly had very privileged experiences and likely experienced a different NHS that those of us today experience. But of course we should COPE because you did (with a much greater resourced healthcare system).

Much like another poster I received no help from staff with my son after a traumatic vaginal delivery, large PPH and transfusion. I couldn't get up from my bed alone to without blacking out. But I guess I just should have coped, I'll take that into consideration next time 😂

4 babies and never partner stayed, missed ds4 birth altogether he came so fast. It was fine, you don’t miss what you don’t have he couldn’t feed them, was always glad to get home to my own bed though.

In 2021 I was allowed my partner to stay over night for both nights after a CS

In my experience, mums without partners just disturbed the ward all night. The buzzer was constantly going with a few mums asking for help. Babies that weren't feeding or mums that needed help/ couldn't cope on their own. My lasting memory of the ward was how stressful it was with the buzzer going constantly and hearing the nurses asking the same questions again and again.

It was tough but it was fine.

There isn’t much space around your bed anyway, once DH went home it was actually a bit easier for space rather than trying to move around my bag, the cot, DH on a chair etc. Yes you’ll be sore and hobbling about but the baby cots are on wheels and you can have them right by your bed so all you need to do is lift baby out. You won’t sleep much, but you’ll spend a lot of time just staring at your baby!

I’d had an emergency section.

Make sure he has everything ready for you before he goes -nappies and wipes to hand, formula if using, water for you, your phone etc.

I had to go back into hospital a week later with infection and was put on a different ward, where partners could stay. Honestly it was hellish, there was no space, mens legs were stretched under the curtains into my section, 2 snored all night while their poor wives cared for newborns.

In all honesty whether your partner stays or not the couple of nights in hospital are pretty rubbish, you won’t sleep much and be desperate to get home. It all gets better when you’re in your own bed!!!

My husband didn’t stay for either of mine. I had and emergency CS and then an elective CS and was released from hospital after 12 hours each time. This wasn’t my choice so much as the system- as soon as you had been able to walk to the toilet and had been to the loo you were signed off as ready to go.

Just because you coped doesn’t mean everyone should have to. It isn’t a race to the bottom. My mum was my birth partner and could believe how shit the postnatal care was, completely different to her day.

Postnatal wards are hell on earth OP. Just try to discharge yourself as soon as possible, as long as baby is health. There is no “care” there.

Completely agree. Busy ward, midwife had 8 women to look after, maybe a couple of HTAs on the ward. Buzzers switched off. 30mins - 1 hr to come round and see you for things that needed doing. No toilets anywhere near for partners. I don’t think men should hang around either. But there needs to be a proper level of care and it’s not there.

I found it so tough!! I had the baby at 7pm, my husband left at 9pm. Visiting hours weren’t until 4pm the next day. I had been up for over 24hrs, no food, couldn’t feel my legs until 1am and the emergency button had slipped where I couldn’t reach it and I was right at the end of the ward!!

Everyone’s baby was silent, mine screamed when I tried to put them in the crib. I could barely function I was so tired, kept nodding off and trying to force myself awake. The thought of having to stay awake on my own for the next 19hrs was debilitating. I forced myself awake by reading on my phone (no lovely looking into my baby’s sleeping face and bonding), I felt so detached. If my husband could have stayed and oversaw me sleep safely whilst the baby was trying to feed (they were permanently attached), just for a few hours so I could have got some sleep it would have been amazing. I’m not sure if it was related but it took me ages to feel connected and breastfeeding was so problematic for me. I only started to bond once I’d stopped breastfeeding and finally felt I could enjoy my baby.

@Missingpotatocroquettes Yes, mine are teenagers now but I also spent the night alone and enjoyed bonding with my babies. DH could've stayed, but I told him to go home and get a good night's sleep, because I thought it would be better that one of us was well-rested. Plus, I wanted the baby to be safely driven home by an alert person, not an exhausted one!

I'd hemorrhaged with DD so did need help getting to the loo as I was weak, but I was able to get a nurse to help me. I was OK with DS so got there on my own.

I stayed overnight with DD1 and DH went home.

She was in her little plastic box next to my bed and I wheeled her with me to the loo.

I coped with the meconium nappy because she was mine and it was my job. Let's be honest - a first time dad wouldn't have been much help either - if I'd have needed help then the nurses who I could've called for would have been much more helpful.

It's rubbish being on a ward anyway. But would have been SO much worse if overnight there were men around.

We of course asked if any private rooms were available (ours had a couple you could pay for, first come, first serve, and dads could stay in those) but they were taken.

Absolutely fine and I’ve done it twice. Both of my labours were natural so I was able to get up and walk about thankfully but it was still agony with lots of visits to the toilet/showers.

Not everyone has family/partners and you just get on with it. The midwives are there for help if it’s needed but really you just start adapting. It’s amazing how quickly you adapt and start picking it up. It’s not as scary as we think it’s going to be

Felt sorry for DH as we'd spent a blissful couple of hours holding and admiring DD post-c-section, in our own little bubble in the recovery room (no-one else came in after me) and then when it was time for us to be wheeled into the postnatal ward and DH had to say goodbye at the door, couldn't even come to the bed with me and help with my bags (I couldn't walk due to catheter and c-section recovery). He looked so sad to be leaving alone without us. I always wonder what he must have been thinking when he got home.

To be honest it wasn't great - my buzzer wouldn't work and I couldn't get out of bed to get my crying baby, although I knew she wanted feeding. I tried everything but no-one heard me - tried asking someone else in the ward who did press her buzzer, but then she spoke to the midwife who came about her own issues and didn't say anything about me. I had to shout her myself before she left again to pass my baby over and check my buzzer. I didn't put my baby back until morning after that - just stayed awake looking at her.

I still wouldn't have wanted other partners in the ward overnight - it was crazy hot and stuffy even in January, and when other visitors arrived the next day it was unbearable and I discharged myself around 24 hours post section.

Men weren't allowed to stay when mine were born.

I think that post natal wards at night are the one place men should not be roaming around. In fact, I would go further and say that unless there is a specific reason - men should only be allowed at visiting time along with everyone else.

Having to hide yourself away behind closed curtains because you don't want some random man seeing your breasts and goodness knows whatever else is plain wrong.

I feel so sad for new mums today who are missing out what for me was a wonderful few days spent getting to know my babies, meeting other mums and talking about shared experiences. It was good to talk. I was pretty traumatised after my first and being with other women who had had been through the same was good for me. Surely that cannot happen if everyone is isolated in their own little cubicle.

Midwives and support staff were always available - and nannies in the nursery who would care for your baby while you slept or had a shower. I remember before letting you home you even had to give your baby a bath and dress them in front of the midwife.

I cannot imagine the hell of having no one around to help. It is no surprise that women need their men with them. What the hell has happened?

I agree. I think you can absolutely argue that men shouldn't be allowed to stay, I basically agree with that. But it can be argued without the tone of "get a grip and stop being so precious".

The woman I talked about upthread was in absolutely no fit state to care for herself, let alone a baby. Which the midwives knew as they told her partner not to leave her alone if she was holding the baby, and then they sent him home and were too busy to answer the button. Anyone saying "I had my babies 50 years ago and didn't need any of this nonsense" probably had better staffed wards and weren't left covered in their own vomit and unable to pick up/feed/change their crying baby.

@KoalaCalledKevin I don’t think anyone is saying that tbh, we’re just sharing that we were able to cope, not that it was necessarily easy. I did faint in the loo after having DD and was found when someone else went in. Apparently I was gripping onto the disabled rail for dear life as I must’ve realized that I was losing consciousness.

It probably would’ve been better for my DH to stay, especially after DD’s difficult birth, but we decided against it. As I said upthread, I wanted one of us to be well-rested!

I could have had my partner stay after having my baby recently but he'd have had to sleep in a chair. I sent him home to get a good night's sleep as my labour was several days long and we were both exhausted. I found it fine being in overnight by myself even though I had a catheter in so was carrying the bag around with me ... It was good having feeding consultant there to help get baby latched and I was able to check I'd put him down right for safe sleeping. I didn't get much sleep as people were checking on both me and baby but it would not have helped if my partner also had a night of interrupted sleep. As it was he came back about 9 am and we spent the day staring lovingly at the baby before we got out the evening 😅 it's never the best being in hospital overnight but I didn't mind being on my own for it!