Why are woman made to feel guilty for desiring a particular gender?

[Milliegirl25]

My whole life I have wished for a daughter. I know it sounds crazy but since I was a little girl I've felt like I've known her. I've dreamt about her, wrote stories about her, spent years coming up with a beautiful, meaningful name, and once I decided on the name I would write it out over and over, I would paint it, draw it, type it. Just because I was so proud of it and couldn't wait until the day I could proudly give it to my future daughter. I am currently pregnant. Like a lot of woman I have been through a lot to get to this point. I suffer with a severe anxiety disorder that has effected me my whole life, not only mentally but it also causes a host of unexplained physical symptoms. Two years ago I had a miscarriage, following that I got pregnant again. I suffered with such severe anxiety during those first few weeks I couldn't function. Tried to access support but felt under pressure due to the limited amount of time I had to make a decision. In the end my partner and I decided to terminate. I have lived with guilt as a result of my decision everyday since and have never been able to forgive myself. I worked incredibly hard and put in a lot of time, effort and money to ensure my next pregnancy wouldn't be the same. I have been seeing a perinatal psychiatrist for over two years now to support my mental health for the next pregnancy, I take medication, I exercised daily, changed my diet, got all the prenatal testing done, read books, listened to podcasts and did everything in my power to support myself to ensure this pregnancy would be successful. We even started the IVF process as it took us over a year to concieve, but luckily just as we started, we concieved naturally. Anyway despite all the work and preparation I put into this pregnancy, one thing I didn't completely consider is the possibility of not having a daughter. I know it's 50/50 but my entire life I have felt the presence of my "daughter" and just felt in my heart that for once in my life things might actually fall into place, and I might finally get my lifelong dream.
Well that wasn't the case. Two days ago I got my NIPT results back and it said male. The way I have been feeling since this news has completely taken me off guard. I mean this pregnancy has not been easy mentally so far. I'm 12 weeks and have needed a lot of mental health support for my anxiety, and have been working incredibly hard to make it through each day. But when I got the news that I wouldn't be having a daughter the pain has been completely unbearable. I will not be able to have another chance, due to my anxiety disorder. So this means I will never have the daughter that I dreamed of my whole life. I thought to myself as long as the baby if healthy, I would cope, but am shocked at how I have reacted. I know I come across as ungrateful and that's what hurts. Woman sacrifice so much physically and mentally to have a child. But when they express their desires (in this case for a particular gender), they are made to feel selfish, ungrateful or that they shouldn't be a parent if they aren't happy with the gender they are given. Anything else in life (a home, something we save up for, a career etc) we work hard and as a result we desire a particular outcome and if we don't get it, it can be upsetting. This is similar but woman aren't supported if they are upset over not having their dream of a daughter/son fulfilled. There's so much judgement online in this situation.
I just feel so disconnected from this pregnancy now. I have had to work hard for a lot of things in my life (as we all do) but this pregnancy has been something I have worked for 24/7 for over two years, and at the end of it, I will never get my longed for daughter.
I cannot stop crying. I'm grieving for someone that never existed, and feeling like an absolute awful person for not just letting my dream go and being grateful for what I have.
Since I found out every minute has been unbearable. I don't know where to go from here. The thought of living my whole life without filling that empty space in my heart that's been waiting for a daughter since I was a little girl, is absolutely unbearable.

If you have read this far, thankyou. Please no negative judgement. I already feel like an awful person, I don't need anyone else to tell me. Thanks, for reading.

I just want to mention what happened between my mum and her mum (my grandma).
My grandma always dreamed of having a daughter. She had this idea of what it would be like. She dreamed of this magical mother/daughter bond. The fact is that my mum (her only daughter after several sons) just found her very oppressive. My mum was nothing like her mother. She didn't want to hang out with her mum. She preferred her father, a quiet, unassuming man who just let her be herself. My mum always says "I wasn't the daughter she wanted me to be". It always seemed like a very sad situation for them both. The sad grandma whose daughter tried to avoid her and couldvt connect to her, and the daughter who felt she was never how she was supposed to be.

It was a facetious, humourous comment about sexism.

Some more thoughts, OP, after rereading your post. It seems to me that all the work ('24/7') you've put in over the last two years has really been a manifestation and extension of your anxiety rather than management of it. I'm not sure what or how much you've been telling your psychiatrist, but I'm a little surprised he or she doesn't seem to have picked up on this. Two things leap out at me from this part of your post - a huge, overwhelming desire for control (of an endeavour that by its very nature is only controllable up to a point) and a sense that if you 'do everything right' you'll get what you want, almost as a reward. It's almost as if you feel someone hasn't delivered the daughter you ordered although you filled the form out perfectly, checked and double-checked. What also comes across is that your work seems to have been very focused on working towards 'a pregnancy' rather than actually holistically creating change for you, in your own life and responses to things. The thing is, OP, parenting is often the opposite of having everything under complete rigid control, and I think this is your first and perhaps harshest lesson in that. It's also, done properly, as far away as you can get from the kind of grandiose narcissism (don't take that wrongly, we all have elements of narcissism in us) that comes across in your sense of almost entitlement to a daughter for 'doing everything right'.

The only thing sexist is your sexist unfunny post. Leave the children out of it ffs.

I hoped the bizarre comment about boys needing pockets for the keys to the patriarchy was a joke- It's just plain silly.

At least in Western society.

In some places, it's definitely not good to be a woman.

OP your dream of a girl is pretty intense and unhealthy, I think most women at the point of being pregnant probably imagine having one or the other, some might even have a preference, but in the full knowledge it’s 50/50.
Please be aware that when the baby is born you may not immediately feel the ‘rush of love’ that some people describe, you’ll be tired and drained from giving birth.
It sounds like you need more support than you’re getting, please reach out to your mental health professionals and your partner, you'll need support once the baby is born.

Sorry to hear this OP. I am the mother of a daughter and it’s been nothing like I expected. Growing up I was close to my mum, but my daughter and I don’t have that same bond. She does have some MH issues which we continually deal with and whilst I love her, do wonder if I would I have enjoyed having two boys instead.
My point is, you never quite know what you’ll get anyway. Be happy your pregnant and let it go…

Your mental health doesn’t sound great OP 🥴

In normal circumstances people feel disgruntled with those who come on mumsnet and cry about having a boy because it’s the kind of thing you just can’t choose with natural conception and it’s not the foetuses fault. Every child deserves to be loved and adored regardless of their sex and as a mother of boys myself, I was always pretty prickly when people would sympathise or pity me.

My advice is continue with all the work you are doing with the professionals and allow time for the news to sink in. My eldest is a dream child so it’s not all doom and gloom!!

Gosh, you sound in agony OP, I’m so sorry. You feel how you feel, and you need to express that to someone who listens and doesn’t judge - a counsellor, I suppose. Who is judging you as a woman? The perinatal mental health team certainly shouldn’t, and I don’t. Sending love.

😂 it was a humorous comment about sexism based on reductive comments about boy and girl clothes for babies.

But yes, if you do want to get serious, little boys do hold the key to the patriarchy - we won't smash it without them.

IMo this not being a girl is nothing but positive. You weren’t meant to have a girl. Because no child should be subject to that level of expectation.

The truth is that if someone so desperately, and obsessively only wants one sex then they probably shouldn’t be having children, because A, there is only a 50% chance of having a child of that sex, and B, if they do have a child of that particular sex, then it is only ever going to be a disappointment.

A Child brought up to live up to that level of fantasy can never end well. This is the kind of child who is likely to rebel as a teenager, go NC as an adult, maybe even come out as trans to escape the pressure.

If you continue this pregnancy then you need to let go of the girl that never existed in the first place. Because to not do so is going to be unfair on your son.

If you terminate this pregnancy because it isn’t a girl and you can’t live with the disappointment, then I agree with PP, it would be best if you don’t have children, but that you do have therapy to come to terms with that.

I can understand your surprise and disappointment, but I also think you and your support network should have prepared yourselves for this eventuality. I really wanted boys and ended up with one of each, their personalities are so different and they are equally brilliant. As @MrsTerryPratchett put it “children are there so you can fill them up, never the other way around”, which is so beautiful. Perhaps you could focus on your son and being all you can be to him? I have always suffered with anxiety but held it in check when it came to my kids so I didn’t make them feel anxious or responsible for my feelings. And do you know what, being focussed on them makes all the other anxieties in life fade away, because they were all that mattered. It is a delight and a privilege.

Keep working on your anxiety because once your baby is born and you face your first crisis with him (and there will be one, they are their own little bundle of trying moments), the absolute last thing you will be thinking about is what’s between his legs.

I wish you peace and a healthy baby.

I just think it's an awful way to think, sorry. There is an innocent little baby, their feelings are more important than yours.

I truly, honestly think it is a good thing that you are having a boy OP. What you are describing is not healthy (and I think you know that). If you had a girl the pressure would be unbearable for you and for her to be “perfect”.

First of all, I’m sorry you’re feeling so rubbish at the moment. The problem is you have built up an idea in your head of what it is to have a girl - shopping trips, dressing her in “pretty” things, mother of the bride, dance groups, pink toys, a mini you. All of which are based on societal expectations and gender stereotypes. The reality would have almost certainly been very different. You are not wrong for feeling the way you do but you really need to unpick it and try train your brain to see it differently as you’re spiralling.

I hope you feel better soon x

It's not the same op, but what about a pet with this name you've chosen ie a female puppy or a kitten? After the baby is born of course.

I really wanted a daughter and had sons. I couldn’t have loved them more, i ( we) absolutely doted on them ( still do really) and are very close to them now they are grown up. I am pretty sure that once you hold your baby in your arms you won’t want to change them for the world. Good luck OP and best wishes.

@Milliegirl25 I can only imagine how neurotic and cruel your own mother must have been to have made you this way?

I hope your husband is a good man to help love and look after this innocent boy brought into this maelstrom of neuroses.

It's not fair on any child to carry such a massive burden.

Had you had a daughter, she would likely have been very different to the fantasy child that lives solely in your head.

Please don't consider a pet. It's not fair on any animal to be a child substitute.
A dog or cat is a puppy or kitten for a mere few weeks.

OP doesn't sound emotionally well enough to cope with the demands of an animal and a baby, especially not a dog.

If you particular about a specific gender then no matter the sex of the child you can just call it what you want.

Or did you mean you want a particular sex, and sex being a girl!!

Have you considered adopting instead?

I agree with @MrsTerryPratchett actually this is a complete blessing because your daughter could never have lived with such pressure and expectation from you.
Maybe you could see this as a sign from the universe that this is what’s meant to be. You cannot control everything in life; and now there is someone else’s life - you are in it, you will be a big part of it, and this journey will teach you so so much about life. You need to let go and enjoy the ride. Your boy will be wonderful. Let go of the film in your head, it’s time to rewrite the script. Congratulations xox

There are some horrible replies on the thread but this one stands out. OP has said clearly she’s having therapy and has acknowledged mental health issues. And yet you call her unhinged and an unfit mother. Either you haven’t understood her, or you’re very unkind.

I was a much wanted daughter and grand daughter. My paternal grandmother had wanted a girl but got three boys.

I am not the daughter / granddaughter they wanted.

It is hard growing up knowing you are a constant disappointment.

You will adore your little boy when you meet him.

This is about your mental not your situation. I think we all deep down had our perfect family in mind but in life you adapt and find joy in the unexpected. If you can't find that joy or can't cope without fixating on what you perceive to have lost then you need to find medical support.

I'm not sure how helpful it is to post on here. There'll be a load of people who wanted girls but now adore their boys. They won't necessarily have been anxious or depressed. Please get some help. Your hormones won't be helping either.