Why are woman made to feel guilty for desiring a particular gender?

[Milliegirl25]

My whole life I have wished for a daughter. I know it sounds crazy but since I was a little girl I've felt like I've known her. I've dreamt about her, wrote stories about her, spent years coming up with a beautiful, meaningful name, and once I decided on the name I would write it out over and over, I would paint it, draw it, type it. Just because I was so proud of it and couldn't wait until the day I could proudly give it to my future daughter. I am currently pregnant. Like a lot of woman I have been through a lot to get to this point. I suffer with a severe anxiety disorder that has effected me my whole life, not only mentally but it also causes a host of unexplained physical symptoms. Two years ago I had a miscarriage, following that I got pregnant again. I suffered with such severe anxiety during those first few weeks I couldn't function. Tried to access support but felt under pressure due to the limited amount of time I had to make a decision. In the end my partner and I decided to terminate. I have lived with guilt as a result of my decision everyday since and have never been able to forgive myself. I worked incredibly hard and put in a lot of time, effort and money to ensure my next pregnancy wouldn't be the same. I have been seeing a perinatal psychiatrist for over two years now to support my mental health for the next pregnancy, I take medication, I exercised daily, changed my diet, got all the prenatal testing done, read books, listened to podcasts and did everything in my power to support myself to ensure this pregnancy would be successful. We even started the IVF process as it took us over a year to concieve, but luckily just as we started, we concieved naturally. Anyway despite all the work and preparation I put into this pregnancy, one thing I didn't completely consider is the possibility of not having a daughter. I know it's 50/50 but my entire life I have felt the presence of my "daughter" and just felt in my heart that for once in my life things might actually fall into place, and I might finally get my lifelong dream.
Well that wasn't the case. Two days ago I got my NIPT results back and it said male. The way I have been feeling since this news has completely taken me off guard. I mean this pregnancy has not been easy mentally so far. I'm 12 weeks and have needed a lot of mental health support for my anxiety, and have been working incredibly hard to make it through each day. But when I got the news that I wouldn't be having a daughter the pain has been completely unbearable. I will not be able to have another chance, due to my anxiety disorder. So this means I will never have the daughter that I dreamed of my whole life. I thought to myself as long as the baby if healthy, I would cope, but am shocked at how I have reacted. I know I come across as ungrateful and that's what hurts. Woman sacrifice so much physically and mentally to have a child. But when they express their desires (in this case for a particular gender), they are made to feel selfish, ungrateful or that they shouldn't be a parent if they aren't happy with the gender they are given. Anything else in life (a home, something we save up for, a career etc) we work hard and as a result we desire a particular outcome and if we don't get it, it can be upsetting. This is similar but woman aren't supported if they are upset over not having their dream of a daughter/son fulfilled. There's so much judgement online in this situation.
I just feel so disconnected from this pregnancy now. I have had to work hard for a lot of things in my life (as we all do) but this pregnancy has been something I have worked for 24/7 for over two years, and at the end of it, I will never get my longed for daughter.
I cannot stop crying. I'm grieving for someone that never existed, and feeling like an absolute awful person for not just letting my dream go and being grateful for what I have.
Since I found out every minute has been unbearable. I don't know where to go from here. The thought of living my whole life without filling that empty space in my heart that's been waiting for a daughter since I was a little girl, is absolutely unbearable.

If you have read this far, thankyou. Please no negative judgement. I already feel like an awful person, I don't need anyone else to tell me. Thanks, for reading.

That isn't how your post came across. You aren't the same as OP as yours are practical concerns which you should have mentioned. Personally a boy and girl are better as sisters fight a lot in my experience. My boy wore a lot of his sisters clothes. He even plays with a doll. Not an issue.

This is why I'm firmly against knowing the sex of a baby before birth.

I disagree, for most it is practical to know and many don't want to wait either. The OP's case for not knowing is at the absolute end of the extreme..

@Milliegirl25 , you won't get any comfort from this post and its responses. You are in deep need of intensive therapy.

What stands out is the frenecity around all of this. Miscarriage, then termination, then IVF, only to conceive naturally anyway, and now emotions and thoughts that suggest your world has imploded - all because the child will be a boy.

There is so much to unpick in your OP, and my heart goes out to you as you clearly aren't well. But please talk to professionals as this isn't just about you anymore. An innocent baby will be totally dependent on you in a matter of months, and you will need to be well and ready to step up for motherhood.

Have you asked the father what he wanted to have? DH and I spoke about it when I was pregnant with DC1 (we didn't find out the sex because it didn't matter and the scans aren't 100%). He imagined the baby as a boy and I imagined the baby as a girl. Neither of us had a preference but I think it's easier to imagine a child in your own likeness. As long as you remember they are their own person.

You really need to get help now for your mental health problems. And the baby's father needs to be primed to look out for signs of PND and makes sure you have lots of support in the first few weeks. Is your Mum or MIL or sister or friend (or all of the above?) willing to come and stay to support you for some time? You've got time to dismantle the fantasy of a perfect daughter before your son arrives but I'd be worried you'll not cope with the bomb going off in your life that having a new baby is and I'd hate for you to experience severe PND.

@YouZirName
I think you need to be very careful. She's already told us that she's ended one pregnancy because of her mental health. What I'm saying is it's irresponsible of you to be bashing about here telling her she won't cope and shouldn't be having it.
Some women with no prior mh background will struggle immensely in early motherhood. Some women who have a history of bad mh will find that becoming a mother gives them all the purpose they've ever craved and they've never been happier. Youre not mad to assume she may struggle but you're hardly here being kind and helpful.
OP I personally have every faith that you'll find your way through this and you'll be a wonderful mother. Your dreams were one thing but your reality will be even better x

Good god mumsnet is awful

I feel great sympathy for you, but I agree with this. You had a fantasy daughter in your head. If you have a daughter, she won't be as you imagine and your relationship won't be as you imagine.
I have one of each, and neither is anything like I imagined. I love them both equally, but they're very different. DD is like her dad - adventurous, sporty, confident, loud messy. Now, as a teenager, she pushes me away.
DS is like me. Quiet, sensitive, thoughtful, humorous.
You imagine a certain bond with a daughter because she's female, because you share anatomy but the fact is you may share so much more with a son. Who knows? I understand and relate to my son on a very deep level because we're so alike.

The most likely outcome, if you did have a daughter, is that she would no nothing like what you had built in your head. She would have been under enormous pressure to fit whatever prototype you had spent so many years conjuring up. That would have caused her such dysfunction, this way is probably better honestly.

I disagree, for most it is practical to know

I would love to know what practical differences there are between having a boy or a girl beyond having to have quicker reactions when changing nappies when you have a boy. And I say that as someone who has children of both sexes. It's complete nonsense.

I think it’s an extremely good thing you aren’t having a girl. Kids come out who they are. Parents merely prune around the edges. They take the blueprint of the human they have been given and attempt to mould it to produce a successful person in society. But fundamentally, the blueprint is unchangeable. Kids comes out with their own personality and likes and dislikes and you have to roll with it. You have put this imaginary person on so much of a pedestal, I think you would have spent your daughters life being disappointed with the reality, which is very toxic.

I agree with other posters. You need intense therapy before your son comes into the world. Are you medicated?

Little boys need pockets in their vests so they can keep the keys of the patriarchy safe.

I don't think anyone should feel guilty for wanting one or the other.

However, I do think anyone with a strong preference is better advised not to find out during pregnancy. I think the disappointment is a lot easier to deal with when you're actually holding your baby. You will probably realise then that that baby is the best little person in the whole world, whether they're a boy or a girl.

I think gender scans are fine for most people but for a few (like OP) have created difficult situations, and I think in some ways it's a shame that the norm is now to find out whether you're having a boy or a girl.

OP, sex is only one small part of who a person is. If you had that clear a picture of your daughter and who she would be, and what it would be like having a daughter, then you probably would have been 'disappointed' in some way even with a girl. It's a huge pressure on a child to be what you expect, and you can't predict how they will be based just on their XX chromosomes! In some ways I think it's healthier you are having to deal with the reality now, rather than having a girl and projecting all your expectations on to her.

People aren't trying to make you feel guilty. You can't help your feelings. But the sex of your child isn't something you can choose, and children need us to love them whoever they are, so that's why people online will discourage talk if preferences too much. You can't choose so there is no point dwelling. It's not like a career goal you can influence and work towards!

OP, it sounds like you are going through a really rough time. Keep getting the help, and talk to your therapist about how you are feeling.

I question if anyone who really only wants one sex should really be bringing another life into this world.
A slight preference maybe, but not such strong feelings. Every baby is a unique person too, so the child may not turn out how you imagined, regardless of sex!

Glad you've single handedly solved the nature vs nurture debate

It's not necessarily about having expectations that are rooted in regressive gender roles but just an acknowledgement of likely biological differences. We are all the product of evolution and men and women have had very different evolutionary pressures acting on us for a very very long time. This will inevitably lead to differences between the sexes which of course are exacerbated by socialisation that none of us can control as individuals. A degree of managing expectations is important regarding the most likely outcome if you are having a boy or girl whilst also being absolutely open to individual differences and fully accepting that your child may rebut the norm for their sex.

I don't think it's useful to pretend that boys and girls are the same at a population level because we have a problem with misogyny and traditionally female occupations and traits being under valued. We need to tackle those issues properly and really get to the root cause of the problem which can't be done if we shun biological reality.

I do agree with you though about it being unhealthy that OP was fixating on the daughter she believed that she would have.

I have children of both sexes and think that it's wise to know the sex. It can help you connect with the baby ahead of birth and if there is a preference then it can help you come to terms with any disappointment ahead of time.

People on here may insist that sex is only a small part of one's character but I fundamentally disagree. I am a woman and feel intensely that this is intrinsic to who I am. I wouldn't be who I am if I was a man. I see this in my children too where their sex forms a key part of their identity. This doesn't mean they conform to all the cliches and stereotypes but still their sex is at the core of who they are.

Well, I hope your sarcastic comment gave you a kick this early in the morning. It’s common knowledge kids have their own temperament. It’s also common knowledge that good parenting takes the individual child’s needs and preferences into consideration when producing a successful human. While most people are happy with this, if you have a set of idea of the exact person you are going to give birth to, you are likely going to be extremely disappointed.

This is such a huge amount to burden a child with. They are never, ever the person you dream of anyway (they are completely their own individual person) and sadly, most of us never quite live up to our own expectations as parents either. The whole thing is just a new experience - getting to know this new person and getting to know yourself and your partner as parents.

It will never be what you dream of, it’ll be something else entirely.

Why are people telling OP to have therapy when she’s already said she’s having therapy.

Of course it’s absolutely fine to have a preference and of course it’s ok to feel strongly about it - just because you want a boy or a girl doesn’t mean you don’t understand the importance of a child - it doesn’t mean that you love that child any less either, what an odd thing people always say.

When your son is here OP your feelings will
completely shift - pregnancy is a hard thing anyway, often it’s not like a movies where people are singing and connecting with their bumps, that doesn’t come until after.

It will all be fine when he’s here I can promise
you that. I know you’re grieving for a daughter you think you had (albeit in your mind) but now’s the time to be happy for this unconditional love your son will give you x

Oh OP I'm sorry for all you've been through. I reckon you'll fall in love with your baby as soon as he is born, and you'll do all the lovely things you dreamed of doing anyway.

This.

Poor child.

Can you get can counselling to talk this through.

Give yourself time to adjust.

DH and I both thought we wanted girls. We are both quiet, bookish people and thought we'd be better parents to girls. I was shocked to learn we were having boys. (Twins) Now, I can't imagine anything more lovely. I adored having boys and being their mother brought me into worlds I would probably never have explored.

In a way, you are lucky, because the girl you imagined was a fantasy and a child is a reality. Your boy can never live up to being this fantasy you created, so he will be allowed to be a person in his own right. Much healthier for both of you. Think of it as a fresh start. Choose a name with your partner. Then wait and see who he is and what he wants and needs from you. You can't force him into some pre-planned mould from your childhood imagination - and you will all be very thankful for that in the long run. You mature and strengthen emotionally when you have children anyway, so it's time to leave the fantasy behind and stay healthy and calm for your son.

Exactly this. I convinced myself I was having a girl and was completely thrown when I found out I was having a boy. I took a couple of days to process then started planning for my son. He is funny, smart, loving and so full of life and I can't imagine us having anyone but him. Your son will absolutely fill that space in your heart 10 times over.

Please speak to someone about how you're feeling. Wishing you all the best for the rest of your pregnancy.

Aw op I feel for you. You’re clearly struggling
perhaps you need to discuss your feelings with your specialist Maybe they have some ideas on how to help

second. Boys are great. I have two
also you sort of ‘grow’ with your child When he’s born and you see him and get to know him you’ll realise he was always ‘meant to be’

with no2 baby I’d have loved a girl and I did feel a bit sad it was another boy however once he arrived and I got to know him it was fine
he’s 15 now and the most amazing young man

you’re going to be fine