Why are woman made to feel guilty for desiring a particular gender?

[Milliegirl25]

My whole life I have wished for a daughter. I know it sounds crazy but since I was a little girl I've felt like I've known her. I've dreamt about her, wrote stories about her, spent years coming up with a beautiful, meaningful name, and once I decided on the name I would write it out over and over, I would paint it, draw it, type it. Just because I was so proud of it and couldn't wait until the day I could proudly give it to my future daughter. I am currently pregnant. Like a lot of woman I have been through a lot to get to this point. I suffer with a severe anxiety disorder that has effected me my whole life, not only mentally but it also causes a host of unexplained physical symptoms. Two years ago I had a miscarriage, following that I got pregnant again. I suffered with such severe anxiety during those first few weeks I couldn't function. Tried to access support but felt under pressure due to the limited amount of time I had to make a decision. In the end my partner and I decided to terminate. I have lived with guilt as a result of my decision everyday since and have never been able to forgive myself. I worked incredibly hard and put in a lot of time, effort and money to ensure my next pregnancy wouldn't be the same. I have been seeing a perinatal psychiatrist for over two years now to support my mental health for the next pregnancy, I take medication, I exercised daily, changed my diet, got all the prenatal testing done, read books, listened to podcasts and did everything in my power to support myself to ensure this pregnancy would be successful. We even started the IVF process as it took us over a year to concieve, but luckily just as we started, we concieved naturally. Anyway despite all the work and preparation I put into this pregnancy, one thing I didn't completely consider is the possibility of not having a daughter. I know it's 50/50 but my entire life I have felt the presence of my "daughter" and just felt in my heart that for once in my life things might actually fall into place, and I might finally get my lifelong dream.
Well that wasn't the case. Two days ago I got my NIPT results back and it said male. The way I have been feeling since this news has completely taken me off guard. I mean this pregnancy has not been easy mentally so far. I'm 12 weeks and have needed a lot of mental health support for my anxiety, and have been working incredibly hard to make it through each day. But when I got the news that I wouldn't be having a daughter the pain has been completely unbearable. I will not be able to have another chance, due to my anxiety disorder. So this means I will never have the daughter that I dreamed of my whole life. I thought to myself as long as the baby if healthy, I would cope, but am shocked at how I have reacted. I know I come across as ungrateful and that's what hurts. Woman sacrifice so much physically and mentally to have a child. But when they express their desires (in this case for a particular gender), they are made to feel selfish, ungrateful or that they shouldn't be a parent if they aren't happy with the gender they are given. Anything else in life (a home, something we save up for, a career etc) we work hard and as a result we desire a particular outcome and if we don't get it, it can be upsetting. This is similar but woman aren't supported if they are upset over not having their dream of a daughter/son fulfilled. There's so much judgement online in this situation.
I just feel so disconnected from this pregnancy now. I have had to work hard for a lot of things in my life (as we all do) but this pregnancy has been something I have worked for 24/7 for over two years, and at the end of it, I will never get my longed for daughter.
I cannot stop crying. I'm grieving for someone that never existed, and feeling like an absolute awful person for not just letting my dream go and being grateful for what I have.
Since I found out every minute has been unbearable. I don't know where to go from here. The thought of living my whole life without filling that empty space in my heart that's been waiting for a daughter since I was a little girl, is absolutely unbearable.

If you have read this far, thankyou. Please no negative judgement. I already feel like an awful person, I don't need anyone else to tell me. Thanks, for reading.

Not only would I say this to her face, I'd say it to the bloke's face too.

All feelings need validation- I don’t know if you are someone who has “purposefully conceived” but if so , this (importance of validating feelings - even the unreasonable ones) would be a useful lesson for you to learn in pursuit of becoming a more responsible parent.

As for your judgements about who should and shouldn’t exercise their right to reproductive autonomy- giving those any kind of airing sounds pretty dangerous to me.

No I don't validate unreasonable or harmful feelings in my kids, thank you. I don't want insufferable brats.

I suggest reading up

https://myhealth.alberta.ca/Health/aftercareinformation/pages/conditions.aspx?hwid=acm0578#:~:text=Why%20is%20it%20important%3F,your%20child%20learn%20self%2Dcompassion.

Nah sounds like asking for a little nightmare. I won't be validating all emotions at all. Don't want a little snowflake who thinks that not getting their own way is abuse. I've seen how Trenelope and Sparkquin behave.

@SassK you are describing my 14 year old daughter there lol she is only on her 4th carpet though and her dressing table gets repainted every 6 months, it used to be slime that wrecked everything when she was younger and now it's make up and hair dye. I have never met anyone as messy as her lol

Why would you ‘validate’ an unreasonable feeling ? Surely that’s the best way to end up with an entitled child who goes on to be an insufferable adult ?

Not at all.
Feelings are often unreasonable! Especially small children’s feelings.

All feelings are valid - because they are what they are. Not much we can do about them except acknowledge them.

What’s important is to draw a distinction between feelings and behaviour.

Validating / acknowledging children’s feelings and then teaching them how to manage them and behave appropriately is how you raise an emotionally mature, secure and healthy child . Punishing children for their feelings , or denying/ ignoring them is both harmful and counter productive .

But surely there’s a difference between acknowledging and actually validating?

Validating means acknowledging, accepting and empathising without judgement, denial, criticism or punishment.
Once this is done it’s much easier to help the child with how to manage their feelings and move forward.

Also without blame..

Bless you. Gender disappointment is a real thing but take a deep breath and think about this…
”Things have changed humungously over the last few years alone when it comes to gender. There is no such thing as “a girl can do this but not a boy” or vice versa any more. Both genders have completely the same opportunities to be anything they want to be in life and that includes the opposite gender if they so choose.
There is a fantastic array of clothes for either sex and a multitude of activities to try that are not just for girls or just for boys.
Neither gender, and this is really important to take on board, is going to be guaranteed to either feel or behave as we may have traditionally thought they might do. Boys today are often fashion conscious and love mum chats, etc. Girls may be more interested and competitive in football than their brothers.
Try opening up to the possibilities. They are a little person with huge future possibilities first and foremost. In today’s world neither sex will, thankfully, be restricted by society’s expectations of who they will become. Enjoy and live your little man. He will certainly love you.

No validating means it's okay to feel that way. It isn't okay to have certain feelings and they should not be validated.

"Yes you do feel like you should have all the toys, Gravannah, but that is very selfish and for that reason, you'll have none of them until you can learn to share appropriately". Then you point out and praise children modelling good behaviours and ignore Gravannah until she begins to display some of them.

You've acknowledged that she feels that way, and told her categorically that it's an ugly, undesirable feeling that will cause her to be socially isolated. When she displays more social behaviours, she is rewarded.

You do not validate her for wanting to take all toys for herself. Her desire is harmful.

I have always believed that to validate someone's feelings meant that you were telling them they were correct or acceptable.

You've acknowledged that she feels that way, and told her categorically that it's an ugly, undesirable feeling

God no- really harmful to shame your child for having perfectly natural feelings.all that does is create self loathing/ low self worth/ repression.

Whenever I come across posts like this it makes me so sad. I have a wonderful little boy who is kind, caring, funny and bright, everything you can wish for in a child.

I know it's not what you wanted but the little boy you're carrying will light up your world. Wait until you first hold him

I think it is reasonable to draw the line between telling someone that that their feelings are real/valid, and telling them that it is OK to act on those feelings. We all have to learn that we can’t always have what we want, even if we really feel they want it.

I am worried about how @Milliegirl25 will react to her baby, when he’s born, if she doesn’t face up to her feelings of desperation/unhappiness about not having a girl. A previous poster on here has spoken of how hard it was, growing up knowing that her parent is disappointed in her sex, and if the OP carries on feeling the way she is feeling now, there is a very real danger that her son could grow up feeling unloved and unwanted. This child is innocent, and does not deserve this.

I think this is why people are challenging the OP about her feelings, and want her to see how wrong it would be to resent a child for being born the wrong sex. Maybe this is coming over as unkind or harsh, but it needs to be said - for the sake of this baby.

Haven't read full thread but from your op I do understand disappointment over the sex of your baby op, however I do feel it is a 50 50 chance and everyone is aware of that, and someone shouldn't become a parent if they don't want to parent a boy and will only want to have a girl or vice versa.

The fact you've wrote stories etc about this imaginary daughter shows you've built up a fantasy that doesnt exist. Even if you had a daughter they'd likely be nothing like what you have been imagining.

I work in mental health with a lot of people who experience real challenges with emotional regulation and one of the really common factors is parents who didn’t validate how their kids were feeling. So their kids grew up unable to recognise and deal with emotions, feeling ashamed of ‘unacceptable’ emotions, learning that the only way to have their emotions validated is to take extreme action or just not recognising it till it all just becomes too much.

It’s entirely possible to validate how someone is feeling without necessarily agreeing with them that they’re ‘right’. For example ‘I know that you’re angry that I won’t let you eat chocolate for breakfast, and I can see how frustrated you are. Take a bit of time out to calm down and we can talk about what happens next’. Far from being bratty, these kids grow up to be really emotionally intelligent and articulate.

Blaming, shaming, criticising, punishing someone for their feelings is never helpful.
The point is - what do we do with those feelings? How do we act on them?

Gender disappointment is a very common experience, that doesn’t mean the person isn’t going to love their child and be a wonderful parent. In fact, it’s entirely possible to separate the two feelings.
OP can grieve the idea of the girl she’ll never have and also be completely in love with her little boy when he comes, and feel like she wouldn’t change him for the world. In fact, this is what is overwhelmingly likely to happen.

This thread is toxic and ridiculous.

Exactly

I am not trying to blame, shame, criticise or punish @Milliegirl25, @Tandora - but having read her OP, I am worried because her feelings seem rather extreme. I hope you are right, and she will love her son, and that love will obliterate her current feelings - and I’m sure it is very rare that this doesn’t happen - but as a previous poster -@PhoenixFireBum24 - said, she was the child who grew up knowing she wasn’t the sex her parent had wanted, and that was a bad experience.

I am doing my best to express these concerns with kindness, and I have previously tried to reassure the OP that she will love her baby boy.

Why shouldn’t her feelings be validated? Posters were banging on upthread about validating childrens’ feelings even if they weren’t acceptable. Work through them and explain why they’re unacceptable was the message, was it not ? Why should someone with a mental health problem be any different ? For all we know the gender disappointment could be the focus of OP’s anxiety disorder and she may well overcome it with the right therapy. Who are any of us to decide whether someone will be a fit mother or not ?

This.

@Rosscameasdoody - I do agree that the OP's feelings should be validated - they are real and they are making her unhappy, so how could anyone deny they exist.

But I also think that it is important to encourage her to look at her feelings and try to change them, both for her own sake (because she is so unhappy now) and for the sake of her child. We can tell her that it is lovely being the mum of boys, and encourage her to believe that she will love her baby boy just as much as she would have loved a baby girl.

I do also think a part of that is trying to explain to her - gently and kindly - that her image of her perfect daughter is a fantasy, and that real life doesn't usually turn out like that. She has dreamt of a lovely, girly girl, but she could have had a dd who loved rugby, lego, cars and climbing trees, and refused to wear skirts. Her child will be an individual, not the image of their mum's dreams.

She needs to understand that her dream was just that - a dream, and that reality doesn't usually follow our dreams - but that reality usually is so much better than the dreams.