Why are woman made to feel guilty for desiring a particular gender?

[Milliegirl25]

My whole life I have wished for a daughter. I know it sounds crazy but since I was a little girl I've felt like I've known her. I've dreamt about her, wrote stories about her, spent years coming up with a beautiful, meaningful name, and once I decided on the name I would write it out over and over, I would paint it, draw it, type it. Just because I was so proud of it and couldn't wait until the day I could proudly give it to my future daughter. I am currently pregnant. Like a lot of woman I have been through a lot to get to this point. I suffer with a severe anxiety disorder that has effected me my whole life, not only mentally but it also causes a host of unexplained physical symptoms. Two years ago I had a miscarriage, following that I got pregnant again. I suffered with such severe anxiety during those first few weeks I couldn't function. Tried to access support but felt under pressure due to the limited amount of time I had to make a decision. In the end my partner and I decided to terminate. I have lived with guilt as a result of my decision everyday since and have never been able to forgive myself. I worked incredibly hard and put in a lot of time, effort and money to ensure my next pregnancy wouldn't be the same. I have been seeing a perinatal psychiatrist for over two years now to support my mental health for the next pregnancy, I take medication, I exercised daily, changed my diet, got all the prenatal testing done, read books, listened to podcasts and did everything in my power to support myself to ensure this pregnancy would be successful. We even started the IVF process as it took us over a year to concieve, but luckily just as we started, we concieved naturally. Anyway despite all the work and preparation I put into this pregnancy, one thing I didn't completely consider is the possibility of not having a daughter. I know it's 50/50 but my entire life I have felt the presence of my "daughter" and just felt in my heart that for once in my life things might actually fall into place, and I might finally get my lifelong dream.
Well that wasn't the case. Two days ago I got my NIPT results back and it said male. The way I have been feeling since this news has completely taken me off guard. I mean this pregnancy has not been easy mentally so far. I'm 12 weeks and have needed a lot of mental health support for my anxiety, and have been working incredibly hard to make it through each day. But when I got the news that I wouldn't be having a daughter the pain has been completely unbearable. I will not be able to have another chance, due to my anxiety disorder. So this means I will never have the daughter that I dreamed of my whole life. I thought to myself as long as the baby if healthy, I would cope, but am shocked at how I have reacted. I know I come across as ungrateful and that's what hurts. Woman sacrifice so much physically and mentally to have a child. But when they express their desires (in this case for a particular gender), they are made to feel selfish, ungrateful or that they shouldn't be a parent if they aren't happy with the gender they are given. Anything else in life (a home, something we save up for, a career etc) we work hard and as a result we desire a particular outcome and if we don't get it, it can be upsetting. This is similar but woman aren't supported if they are upset over not having their dream of a daughter/son fulfilled. There's so much judgement online in this situation.
I just feel so disconnected from this pregnancy now. I have had to work hard for a lot of things in my life (as we all do) but this pregnancy has been something I have worked for 24/7 for over two years, and at the end of it, I will never get my longed for daughter.
I cannot stop crying. I'm grieving for someone that never existed, and feeling like an absolute awful person for not just letting my dream go and being grateful for what I have.
Since I found out every minute has been unbearable. I don't know where to go from here. The thought of living my whole life without filling that empty space in my heart that's been waiting for a daughter since I was a little girl, is absolutely unbearable.

If you have read this far, thankyou. Please no negative judgement. I already feel like an awful person, I don't need anyone else to tell me. Thanks, for reading.

I’ve grown up with expectations from my mother about how I should behave, think, do etc and it’s massively ph**ked me up.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. My husband always desired a girl. He would describe her, what she looked like, her hair, her personality, what sort of things she would get up to and he named her. He always described her as a carbon copy of me which for some reason made me uncomfortable! We have two lovely boys and I believe that the exciting thing about having a baby is the unknown- there really is no way of knowing what your child will be like, what they will look like, what their passions will be etc. My husband seemed fixated on if we had a girl that they would look exactly like me, act like me and he created this little girl in his head. Even if you were having a girl, no child can live up to the image you have created in your head.

Could you write a letter to your imagined daughter letting her go with love in your heart? Light a candle and image meeting her and letting her go with love and light? 🕯️ Then open your heart up to your new adventures with your lovely baby boy Xxx

A child is coming into this so the time for being nice to the OP has long past.

They aren't made to feel guilty but fantasy children of any biological sex are just that - fantasies. No child is about what you want - its the opposite of healthy parenting.

I always imagined the baby I would have. In my head I had a little girl and for years i'd imagined my life with this child. Then when I was pregnant (I didn't find out what I was having) I visualised a dark haired little baby. Giving birth the first thing the midwife said as he was being born was he was blonde!

I has a boy first, then three girls. The thing I have learned is that the baby of your imagination is just that. The babies that arrive- even when they are the boy /girl imagined - are their own people. They aren't the person in your minds eye and they are real. They are hard work, they have their own thoughts and opinions pretty much straight away.

Your little boy is going to be wonderful. You will have fun choosing his name and he will take you on a path you haven't yet imagined - because he is real.

There is a huge taboo around this, because being a mother carries such huge responsibility to a child, and part of that is the unconditional love and acceptance of who they are. If you are severely disappointed in their sex, then you are not giving then that, and people are concerned for the impact on the baby.
I think the feeling is that anyone who has such strong feelings isn't best placed to be a mother to a child of that sex.
However, I think it doesn't need to be like that. Because your disappointment about not having a daughter can be separated from your experience of having a son if you can learn to see your son as an individual in his own right, rather than the reason you can't have a daughter iyswim. Because he isn't. You won't have a daughter because you can't have more children, nothing to do with you little boy.
So you need to mourn that as a seperate issue. I do think you need help with that because your longing is unusually intense. And at the risk of sounding like an amateur psychologist, is often rooted in unresolved issues from your own childhood and a desire to reparent yourself, which takes some unpicking.
Its certainly not as simple as you being ungrateful or undeserving of your boy and doesn't mean you will not be a good mum to him, but you do need to work through your daughter feelings.

@Milliegirl25 what you are feeling makes me suspect you are quite unwell. Please seek help from the professionals.

I am getting on a bit and my eldest is nearly 30 so things were a bit different when I had my children and whilst you could find out the sex, we didn't.

DS1 obviously was a boy but so we're the babies I lost at 17, 12 and 27 weeks. We thought we only did boys and I desperately wanted and needed a boy with every bone in my body when I was pregnant again. I was lucky and my next baby was born 51 weeks after losing DS2 but it was a dark time and there are parts of that year I don't remember.

We didn't know the sex, we expected a boy. After a very easy labour an 8.13lb baby arrived, bright pink and screaming with an Apgar score of 9+. That was the important bit. Instantly we fell in love immediately fuelled by the adrenaline of birth. I would not have coped if I'd known the sex in advance. Personally I think there's much to be said for waiting.

Finally, you made a play of the name op. Subconsciously we gave our dd a name that sounds very similar to that of DS2's but is not the feminine version. Having met other mothers who have lost a baby at or close to birth, it is not unusual.

Please get yourself as much help and suppprt as possible. It sounds as though you need specialist help and that the help you have had so far might not have been optimal.

I hope your partner is supportive, sensible and pragmatic.

Slight preference- fine. But I don’t think intense gender ‘disappointment’ should be normalised or validated in the way some people think it should.

I see it so much on the parenting/baby side of social media and Instagram. I always feel so sorry for the little boys when a mum has had son/s first, is really open about having awful ‘gender disappointment’ then goes on to have a girl. It is always so so obvious that the little girl is the favourite, no matter how much they insist that they love and treasure them all equally. It will be obvious to their sons as well.

Wow!!

Boys are such mummy's boys, loving and caring - I found boys much easier to raise than girl and we have such close relationships.

So much less to worry about with boys too.

I would suggest going and looking at baby clothes, and try and get in the boy mood.

But on a lighter note - in this day and age - it can be whatever it wants to be 😂

You aren't made to feel guilty. You do feel guilty, because you know how wrong it is.
It's 50/50, anyone who only wants one sex shouldn't have one at all.

@Milliegirl25 it's so hard for you with your previous experiences, but speaking as someone who also (like many) had a picture of motherhood from an early age (not gender of the child but what it would be like), it was a huge lesson for me when my son was born last year that a baby and a child will humble you and your preconceptions while lifting you up too, no matter what.

In that I mean it's rare that they behave as you imagined, that you do the things exactly as you imagined. Despite having a kitchen toy and baby dolls as well my son is obsessed with trucks and cars and to my surprise I find myself happy to see a huge truck trundling up the road so I can share my sons excitement as he squeals in his pram. An HGV I would have ignored once and now I'm here waving at them daily with my toddler. What makes then happy makes you happy, no matter how far it is from what you liked as a child or what you imagined you'd be doing.

Enjoy your child when they arrive and the joy that is watching a little unique personality unfurling before your eyes. Sometimes it feels like my son knows exactly who he is and we just facilitate it, but it's honestly magic to see!

Yes i can't imagine what professional said that this person is mentally fit to have a baby
.what on earth was her partner thinking?

I think it's a good think you're having a boy op.
What if the little girl wasn't the girl you've got your heart set on. The pressure to be who you want her to be, not who she is, simply wouldnt be fair on her. You have created a fantasy, but need to remember your baby is a human being, just like you are, with their own thoughts, feelings, wants.
A boy gives you the chance of a clean slate.
When my children were born, yes I had a preference, one of them wasn't it, but I loved them so so fiercely and it really really didn't matter.

Hi @Milliegirl25, congrats on your pregnancy! The most important thing in pregnancy is to feel relaxed and free of stress, so I hope you have lots of support with your anxiety.

I understand a bit how you feel. I come from a very female family. I’m one of a long line of eldest daughters of eldest daughters and this was instilled in me when I was young, stuff passed down etc.

I have several DS’s. I adore them. I’m so proud of them. We’re all so close. It’s great being a boy mum. I can’t imagine having a daughter now. I fell in love with each of them the moment I met them. I feel so blessed. I have friends who haven’t had children when they wanted to. And a number of others who’ve struggled to have them and all had one boy. Sons are often very close to their mums, as daughters can be with their dads.

I can imagine why pregnancy can be anxiety-inducing, because it’s so beyond our control in a world where we’re used to being able to be in control and get what we want so much of the time, albeit with v hard work. But my adage is babies come when they want to and you just have to roll with it and embrace the wonder of nature. The daughter you’ve imagined and dreamed of might yet appear, as once you’ve had your son, your anxiety about pregnancy may reduce.

But, in a way, it might be nature’s way. Your desire and expectations for a daughter would be a lot for her to live up to. She might be nothing like you imagined or expected, may not suit the name you’ve always thought of and would likely feel under huge pressure to live up to your dream. That wouldn’t be great for her. You may never get on. So, maybe a son is for the best.

Not everyone falls in love with their baby at first sight. But most people do and I’m sure you will. It’s a wonderful visceral feeling. At risk of sounding patronising and stating the obvs, try to feel blessed you’re having a child, rather than disappointed at its gender. We now (thankfully) live in a world where gender expectations aren’t so rigid.

Finally, and getting a bit deep here, could it be the daughter you dreamed of is the person you wanted to be. Almost like an alter ego. Might be worth thinking about and exploring with a therapist.

Good luck with your pregnancy!

I have one each and to honest when it comes to grandchildren I’m hoping for boys. With girls I worry about them being raped/sexually assaulted, suffering domestic abuse/violence, having their career prospects ruined by having children, experiencing miscarriages and still birth, experiencing birth injuries, being left in financial ruin by cheating partner, always having to pick up the pieces after incompetent men, having useless men be promoted ahead of them then having to do their work, experiencing street harassment, being disbelieved by healthcare professionals and told they’re being hysterical/have mental health issues and many more issues that predominantly involve women. Men have a mostly cushy life.

One thing parenting has taught me is that it's not about you. It's all about them! Your children. There are a few occasions where you can put yourself first, but generally for the next 18 years at least, your child's wellbeing will be your primary focus. As a parent your focus shifts away from yourself and onto this child you've created. You're now very focused on your own wants and desires, but that will need to change. You've created a child, he didn't ask to to exist. As a mother, your job is to raise him, to love him, to nurture him, not to dwell on your own misguided disappointment.
Another thing I've learnt as a parent is that you never know what you're going to get!! It really is a complete gamble. I used to imagine that my children would be a certain way because of how me and DH are. They'd have particular personality traits because of us and we'd instil all our values into them. They're nothing like how I expected. Two children who had the same upbringing - one is supremely confident and could conquer the world. The other is scared of their own shadow.
You could have a child with a severe mental or physical disability and your parenting experience will be a million miles from what you imagined.
As a parent, you get what you're given, quite simply. Your job as a mum is to raise the child you actually have, not some mythical child of your dreams.

What an absolutely awful thing to write about a much wanted pregnancy.

and a mumsnet pile on will help? Will it somehow make her more stable? I somehow doubt it!

Cos it's sexism and egoism.
Your child is not a lifestyle accessory

HTH.

Exactly this. Sorry OP, but I don’t think you should be having a child.

I also think you should put a trigger warning on this post as it will be a hard read for women who have not been able to have a child at all.

I can't imagine the OP is still reading but, if you are, ypu weren't ever going to get the child who lived in your imagination, OP. Because that was an entirely fictional person.

What you're going to get is a real life person with their own thoughts, ideas, interests, likes, dislikes and personality. You will have years to get to know this person and the privilege of guiding them through life and enabling them.to become exactly the person they were supposed to be.

Not the person you imagined they would be.

And that would be the case were they male or female.

People want babies for all sorts of reasons. They aren't always good ones. We should aim for healthy parents who can give their children the chance of emotional stability. Being born to a woman who never wanted you because of your sex isn't that.

Just because some woman wanted a little girl to dress up, it doesnt mean that's a valid desire that has to be respected. I'm on the kid's side here.