Why are woman made to feel guilty for desiring a particular gender?

[Milliegirl25]

My whole life I have wished for a daughter. I know it sounds crazy but since I was a little girl I've felt like I've known her. I've dreamt about her, wrote stories about her, spent years coming up with a beautiful, meaningful name, and once I decided on the name I would write it out over and over, I would paint it, draw it, type it. Just because I was so proud of it and couldn't wait until the day I could proudly give it to my future daughter. I am currently pregnant. Like a lot of woman I have been through a lot to get to this point. I suffer with a severe anxiety disorder that has effected me my whole life, not only mentally but it also causes a host of unexplained physical symptoms. Two years ago I had a miscarriage, following that I got pregnant again. I suffered with such severe anxiety during those first few weeks I couldn't function. Tried to access support but felt under pressure due to the limited amount of time I had to make a decision. In the end my partner and I decided to terminate. I have lived with guilt as a result of my decision everyday since and have never been able to forgive myself. I worked incredibly hard and put in a lot of time, effort and money to ensure my next pregnancy wouldn't be the same. I have been seeing a perinatal psychiatrist for over two years now to support my mental health for the next pregnancy, I take medication, I exercised daily, changed my diet, got all the prenatal testing done, read books, listened to podcasts and did everything in my power to support myself to ensure this pregnancy would be successful. We even started the IVF process as it took us over a year to concieve, but luckily just as we started, we concieved naturally. Anyway despite all the work and preparation I put into this pregnancy, one thing I didn't completely consider is the possibility of not having a daughter. I know it's 50/50 but my entire life I have felt the presence of my "daughter" and just felt in my heart that for once in my life things might actually fall into place, and I might finally get my lifelong dream.
Well that wasn't the case. Two days ago I got my NIPT results back and it said male. The way I have been feeling since this news has completely taken me off guard. I mean this pregnancy has not been easy mentally so far. I'm 12 weeks and have needed a lot of mental health support for my anxiety, and have been working incredibly hard to make it through each day. But when I got the news that I wouldn't be having a daughter the pain has been completely unbearable. I will not be able to have another chance, due to my anxiety disorder. So this means I will never have the daughter that I dreamed of my whole life. I thought to myself as long as the baby if healthy, I would cope, but am shocked at how I have reacted. I know I come across as ungrateful and that's what hurts. Woman sacrifice so much physically and mentally to have a child. But when they express their desires (in this case for a particular gender), they are made to feel selfish, ungrateful or that they shouldn't be a parent if they aren't happy with the gender they are given. Anything else in life (a home, something we save up for, a career etc) we work hard and as a result we desire a particular outcome and if we don't get it, it can be upsetting. This is similar but woman aren't supported if they are upset over not having their dream of a daughter/son fulfilled. There's so much judgement online in this situation.
I just feel so disconnected from this pregnancy now. I have had to work hard for a lot of things in my life (as we all do) but this pregnancy has been something I have worked for 24/7 for over two years, and at the end of it, I will never get my longed for daughter.
I cannot stop crying. I'm grieving for someone that never existed, and feeling like an absolute awful person for not just letting my dream go and being grateful for what I have.
Since I found out every minute has been unbearable. I don't know where to go from here. The thought of living my whole life without filling that empty space in my heart that's been waiting for a daughter since I was a little girl, is absolutely unbearable.

If you have read this far, thankyou. Please no negative judgement. I already feel like an awful person, I don't need anyone else to tell me. Thanks, for reading.

OP I'm really so sorry that you're feeling like this.
I honestly don't mean this flippantly but my gut tells me that when your little boy arrives you will fall in love with him and you'd never change him for the world. That's how I feel about my little boy, and honestly once they're here it's pretty hard not to feel like that!

This is quite sad to read. No one can predict how life might turn out. My son is 5. He's currently asleep next to me cuddled up. He has severe learning needs and almost everything I had prepared for he did the opposite. Speak to any parent with a child with needs and they are not doing all what they imagined they would. Speak to any parent with a child without needs and they'll also tell you the same. No one can predict. Children are hard work and you just get through it all with whatever is thrown at you.

As hard as it sounds like it is for you OP you need to find a way to stop spiraling with this. Does your husband know how bad you feel?

This. I think your extreme desires are driven by your mental health problems. You really need to keep up with the support you are being offered this reaction isn't normal. No child will meet your expectations. You may have another baby in the future...accept this baby for who he is. He will be completely different to what you expect..

No it really isn't. The OP is not an awful person but it's got disaster stamped all over it when she gives birth. She has not said she has had proper therapy, seeing a psychiatrist to monitor your mental health is not the same as therapy.

I wanted a boy because I grew up with three brothers, two of whom are my best mates, a father who I adored, and a mother who was not feminine at all. Plus with brothers I always ended up doing some activity associated with masculinity (no playing with dolls etc). I was scared that I couldnt relate to any future daughter.

I had a daughter, and I shocked at how well I adapted to being a 'girl mum', love her to pieces!

You can't help how you feel but it is unusual to be so obsessed, op.

If you don't tell people (I mean in real life, you can say anything on here), nobody will criticise you. Some things are better kept to yourself. If you need to offload/vent, Mumsnet is safe because we're anonymous, So are the Samaritans.

When you have your baby, you will love him but you know that. Remember there are many people who long for years to have a baby, you're fortunate. That doesn't help you right now but in a few years you will realise it for yourself.

Good luck.

Desperate I enjoyed reading about your dc you make a good point it’s about the individual characters not the sex. Enjoy seeing friends sons grow up into lovely men they always seem to look like their mum and seeing my friends in masculine form blows my mind!

Such a sad read. Being a mother is about the child it shouldn’t be about you and your wants. I hope you are able to get to this place op

Do you honestly think that being that blunt on a post where someone is clearly very vulnerable is anything but cruel at this point? You've not even tried to be soft.

That's not to say I even disagree with what you or others are saying here, but there's a time and a place and that's in a gentle setting with mental health professionals that know how to navigate these conversations.

It's only been a couple of days to come to terms with what is a big shock for you, take plenty of time to process it and be kind to yourself.

Keep going with the therapy OP and tell your health team (midwives, doctors) how you are feeling.
This isn’t your average gender preference story as I suspect that this view of your future daughter is a coping mechanism, a way to manage your own anxiety by creating an alter ego who is confident and secure.
Do keep help and focus on yourself before the baby arrives. ♥️

This is why I'm firmly against knowing the sex of a baby before birth.

When you give birth and the midwife puts that tiny child into your arms, nature takes over and you couldn't care less whether it is male or female. You just want to know it is ok, healthy and safe.

And op, why do you think your mental health will preclude you having another child in the future? You may find once your lovely little boy arrives, your mental health will improve dramatically because you will be so focused on caring for such a vulnerable little life, that you will stop worrying about living up to all the fantasies you have created in your head about having a girl, and put your child first, which is what being a mum is really all about.

Love your little boy, get into the swing of being a mum, have a wonderful time, and in a few years when he's out of nappies you might want to try again.

I clicked YABU even though I understand and had a similar shock when I found out the gender, even though I didn’t think I had a preference. Often I think it’s the shock of fantasy becoming reality, regardless of the gender. It’s suddenly an ‘oh shit this is happening’ moment and the realisation one can’t control this process can be a shock, it’s a good lesson to learn ahead of having your baby; they are their own person, not an extension of your identity and not something you can project onto or control. There will be lots of moments like this in parenting.

I think it’s actually likely to be much healthier for you both that you didn’t have a daughter as hopefully you can now meet your baby where they’re at, without the weight of preconceptions and expectation you appeared to be placing on this imagined girl.

for what it’s worth, my son is a beautiful kid, so gentle, loving, creative, kind. Couldn’t be more proud of him and wouldn’t change him.

Given the whole post, this isn’t a gender / sex issue, it’s a mental health issue and I think you need to speak to a GP again to work out what’s going on to help you make sense of it and get different treatment if appropriate.

Edited because I’m a bellend who can’t read

Hello OP, I would try and address this in your mental health care. Your feelings are very strong here and there is a risk it will affect your child. I think there is "backlash" against it because that child is a person and you're basically saying you're only interested in it depending on what's between it's legs which it can't help.

Wanting a particular sex is quite common but your post goes beyond ‘normal’ feelings of preference. I think there is a broader, deeper mental health issue here that I am not qualified to comment on. Please continue to see a therapist.
FWIW I think when you hold that baby in your arms you will not care about the sex. Your heart will burst in an indescribable way that only a mother can understand.

I think it is good you are having a boy.

the idolised version in your head of having a girl was too big and no child could or should live up to that expectation.

every child born is unique and has their own personality. As a parent you guide them and of course how you love and raise them will shape them but intrinsically they are their own little character and will be what they are meant to be.

you need to love the child you deliver. He will not be the fantasy child that exists in your head but will be ‘John’ or ‘billy’ or ‘James’ . Get to know them - care for him - love and cherish him. He deserves that from you.

i would respectfully suggest you urgently seek counselling because of the level of distress this fantasy is causing you and also the likelihood of you getting pnd if you continue to not address it. I fear you are going to really struggle or reject this little boy if he is not meeting your expectations of your fantasy girl baby and that will be hugely damaging to both of you.

Don’t let this little boy grow up unloved or feeling he is second best / unwanted / not good enough / not meeting expectations.

invest in your child and your future happiness but urgently exploring this in therapy before he is born.

you are blessed to have this child - love him and cherish him - good luck with your little boy.

I don't think you're going to get what you need from this post OP. Contact your psychiatrist and be very open about how you're feeling. You're on the clock as you need to have worked through this by the time the baby comes.

Be kind to yourself OP, you’re clearly struggling with your mental health and have been thrown a curveball that you need to process. FWIW, I think this will be a blessing in disguise for you as you can now start from scratch with your relationship with your baby boy, without the weight of your expectations of a baby girl. And look up the lyrics to the Garth Brook song ‘Unanswered Prayers’, hopefully they’ll be relevant in future x

It's Sex, not Gender by the way 💐

Some of the responses on here are ridiculous. For as long as there is an expressed difference between boys and girls (which there will always be in my opinion) then it's natural that lots of parents will have a preference. It is an innate part of human nature in the same way we have a preference for what colour car we like, what fruit we prefer to eat or what breed of dog we would have. It mostly doesn't mean the alternative is a disaster or terrible but it is simply an acknowledgement of difference and matching those differences to our own preferences. Some of us will feel this more strongly than others and it does sound like you are particularly struggling to come to terms with not getting your preference OP, so it might be worth seeking out some professional help to talk through how your feeling and get to the bottom of your intense preference.

To all those saying boys and girls are individuals. Yes, of course they are but many of us have been around for long enough to understand that certain traits, hobbies and interests are overwhelmingly associated with one sex or the other. Biology and socialisation work together to create an extremely strong force that explains why dance classes are full of little girls and football matches are full of little boys. Boys will generally be more physically aggressive and play fight etc more whilst girls will generally be more likely to be mean to one another in a more psychological way.

To pretend these trends don't exist at a population level between the sexes is a weird form of gas lighting you only see on MN but it's the only way they can really deny parents (men and women) the opportunity to grieve what could have been. This is a healthy stage in moving on and bonding with the child you actually have that may well suprise you and be atypical for their sex.

@IVFmumoftwo the only thing wrong is that me and my husband have both discussed how nice and how easy it would be to have another girl, because we have already saved all our first's clothes and also because if we have another girl, when they're old enough they can share a room, whereas if we have a boy we will eventually have to move to give them both a bedroom. It'd just be easier for our life so we're preparing to have a boy because then we can start to think seriously (and soon) about moving (which we don't really want to do, we love our home but with children of different sexes we'd have to reconsider eventually) and I will have a good old sort through my first's toys and clothes to see what would work for a boy as well.

So the path for having a girl and having a boy looks very different for us in terms of practical arrangements. And id like to be prepared for that. It's different to OP's concerns but I think still valid. We don't have any of the concerns like "will I love the child, will I grieve the life I could have had" but we do have "will this house be right for us" and "should we look at donating all this stuff we have saved and investing in new things" 🤷‍♀️ one path is certainly easier and cheaper than the other!

Because this kid isn’t a do over of your own life, it’s a separate kid that shouldn’t have to live up to the weight of these crushing expectations

A daughter wouldn’t have been the child you pictured either. You would just have found out later.

@Bumpitybumper I agree with you on a population level. But it's not great for parents to have expectations rooted in regressive gender roles for their individual children, it makes it too hard for the boys who don't like football or the girls who don't like princesses.

And as they grow, those gendered expectations morph from football and princesses to leadership and unpaid caring.

Someone with such strong expectations and preferences as OP was unlikely to find any daughter lived up to the wishlist she had in her head, it's not healthy for any child to be competing with their parent's imagined perfect child.