A little update…wish it was better news

[Babybelle81]

Hi all

Thought I would update you all.

it’s been a week nearly since I posted about my pregnancy and being 43 with my partner who is older.
I wish this update was a happier post, but it isn’t. He is very unhappy with this situation, and has not spoken about it apart from to say he made it clear that he didn’t want any more children and that’s that.
I do not have any family here, nowhere to go, and am working full time. I love him very very much, he really is my world. We have been together for 5 years, known each other for six. I love him beyond words. I thought this would have settled in his mind a bit now and he maybe would have come round somewhat, but I literally have no one to talk to, and he will not discuss it. I do not want to be on my own without him. He is my whole world. I am dealing with all these symptoms, trying to hide them from everyone, and have no idea what to do.

Anyway, I hope you are all well. I know my last thread started off some arguments, but please know that I post in good faith, and I really would appreciate any advice or support at this what should be the happiest time in my life, is now the loneliest time.

Thank you x

Your relationship has no happy future, whatever decision you make, he is a dick head. I’m sorry you are going through this.

Keep the baby if you want it, you will be on your own anyway. The very best of luck to you x

I would also consider how you would feel if you terminated this pregnancy and he then ended it with you anyway at some point down the line. My own two cents on the matter is that you should have an early scan, establish if the initial signs suggest the pregnancy is going to be viable, and don’t jump to any immediate decisions. Single parenthood would be challenging but I would choose a baby over a man every time. Especially a man who isnt supporting you, and is putting the potential upset of his grown daughter ahead of you and the baby.

OP, I'm sorry for what you are going through. If you terminate, you won't forgive yourself and your relationship is tainted by this anyway. Please take care of yourself and know that your partner's reaction is not of someone who loves you truly. Ultimately, he made this baby, so should take responsibility and act as a grown up.

I was in a similar position, 20 years ago (although a less serious relationship and we were both in our 30s). I felt strongly that things with him were over whatever happened. He was pressuring me to get an abortion, I understood his reasoning but he took no account of my feelings about it so why should I prioritise his? We were both equally responsible, and ultimately 'my body my choice'.
Your relationship with your partner is going to be fundamentally changed whatever choice you make, so do what feels best for you because in the end you are all that you can rely on.
My daughter is now at uni, her father has never met her (about which she's pretty chilled) and I have no regrets.

You do what is best for you, he’s showing you deep down who he really is isn’t he…I couldn’t continue the relationship after the way he’s behaved anyway so do what you want to do. You said you were excited about having a child and this is probably your only chance to have that. Men are really not the be all and end all of the world, you absolutely can do this. Millions of women around the world bring children up on their own.

a friend of mine was in your shoes. She had the baby, the married and had another, but he had said get a termination. She decided she wanted to go ahead with or without him and he came round. Married 10 years. She is now retired and a very happy involved grandmother, he is off the scene. She has many childless friends who envy her, Only one happy to be child free.
I know your situation looks different, but you have to consider the long and short term.
I would lose respect for someone who puts himself first when times are difficult.
should have had this snip.Good luck op what ever you decide

I think your relationship is over either way.

This isolated from other mums because they are all younger bit is bollocks. I had a baby at 43 and there were lots of other mums at baby groups of a similar age!

I would agree with this.

He’s sounds very selfish. He’s not even being kind towards you in a clearly difficult time for you. Has he even asked you how you are and talked to you about this ? Sounds awful

Essentially your 60 yr old partner wanted unprotected sex with a younger woman his daughters age but refuses to take responsibility. I would lose all respect fpr him.

I feel so sad for you OP. This is the worst catch 22.
All because a man can’t also take responsibility. It takes two to make a baby. If he wants you to have an abortion he needs to hold you, commiserate with you and support you.
Whatever happens the landscape of your relationship is changed forever. If you are accepting not having a child then it need to be that you feel able to not resent him for it later. That will be hard. I am so sorry.
He sounds like an asshole right now and you love him more than he loves you. That’s painful. You need to do what’s best for you, which it sounds like having him (as apparently you have nothing else) but as a word of warning, if you build your world around another human you are setting yourself up to be let down and hurt. He’s proven he is not perfect and your world will be fragile now forever with him in it.

I think the key thing here is not to rush any decision while emotions are high.

It's not a good reaction on his part but I do always feel it's a bit more bolt from the blue for men. As a woman we do have a bit of the 'could I be, best check' slight mental adjustment.

This is a big thing. It's okay to not know the right way forward. You've only had a week. Just let things settle and see how you feel.

I'm sorry you feel so alone x

I havent read your previous thread OP, but if he's already had his family, and you haven't, I think he's a selfish arsehole to deny you this. dont think there is much love there. He clearly puts his needs and wants over yours.

A man worthy of your love would not treat you this way.
Keep your baby and make plans to raise them alone. You won’t regret it.
But I would hazard a guess that you will forever regret not keeping it, and giving up motherhood for a man who does not have your best interests at heart.
Your relationship is over either way.
It’s your time now, for you and your baby.
Good luck.

Aww OP. I was hoping for a happy ending for you!

As others have said - if you terminate on pressure from him then your relationship is done anyway.

Me and DH are similar ages but together a lot longer, 20+ years. We’ve never used protection because in the early years it would have been fine and now because we think there’s no chance. He had children young. We talk about how awful it would be if it happened now. I’m menopausal so sometimes talk about late periods and he says he’d be devastated now to have a baby. He’s a grandad and recently retired. I very seriously let him know that I could never terminate. He is crystal clear about this and says he would just have to accept that he has new and unexpected chapter of life he’d have to deal with.

For me it’s because it would be OUR child. I think I might consider terminating if it were a ONS or similar. Because the baby is half his, the love of my life, my soulmate, it just means so much more.
I hope he comes round OP x

OP sorry to read this update.
DId you move away from friends/family to be with your partner? Is there somewhere you can move back to for support if you wanted to go ahead with the pregnancy?
As someone who has terminated and also lost a pregnancy I would urge you to think very carefully before making a decision to terminate, particularly given your age.
Keep posting here for support.

So sorry @Babybelle81

I would follow my gut feeling on whether I wanted the baby and then go from there. Everything is difficult.

Have you had a scan? The decision may be taken out of your hands as unfortunately a positive test, particularly when older, is not always a guarantee.

His lack of support is showing you who he is......when the going gets tough, he gets going. He should still be supporting you in your choice despite what he wants. He isn't able to do that.

It's your body. Your baby and your decision but if I was in your situation I wouldn't be prepared to get rid of my only chance of a child, that lifetime of love and support to favour a man who can only think of himself and his own feelings. Either way whether I chose to keep the baby or not it would be the end of the relationship. You don't need a man like that.

I really feel for you in this situation - I was in a very similar place a few years ago, giving birth at 43 (having been told that I was going through menopause by my GP) with an older partner who was most definitely not keen to have children. I went ahead with the birth as I was aware of just what a miracle it actually was at my age. He was unsupportive throughout my pregnancy and has not been much of a father or partner - but despite that disappointment, I'm still so glad that I went ahead and had my baby boy who is now a teenager. My biggest regret is not actually doing it alone which in retrospect would have been much better for us all. Your child is what matters, OP. Please go with your heart - and all will be well.

Well please do not blame yourself - this is not an immaculate conception!

You say he is the love of your life - if you are of his, then he will put his big boy pants on and start thinking about how he can support you as a loving partner should - he should be thinking himself into your brain and asking himself how he can help to resolve this situation, not wandering around sulking like a primary school child. This is an adult problem that needs adult solutions.

It is your body and your decision. The hope is that another scenario might result - that you carry on with the pregnancy and he gradually comes round to accept it. But if that is not to be then you may have to go it alone. I am sorry that he has put you in this situation.

Oh OP, I did wonder what happened. I'm so cross he is putting the blame on you and that you are too as a result. You deserve so much better. You may think he is the love of your life now, but think about this: The way he behaves shows that his children are what he cares the most about, not you. His daughter's feelings over yours? If you have this baby, he or she will be the true love of your life.

If you have a termination that you don't want, then you'll have lost the love of your life as well, because you'll never forgive him for it.

If you want this baby, have the baby. Either he comes around to the idea or not.

I'm so sorry op. But I don't like that you say you only blame yourself. He is as responsible for bc as you, and in fact it's much easier for him to have a vasectomy than anything you could do.

You have Endo, you have a low probability pregnancy, but that happens. The fact he's angry and barely talking to you is concerning and doesn't speak well of him being a good partner. You should be more upset with him, he sounds selfish.

It's a very hard choice, but will you be very upset with him later when the dust settles if you terminate? Will he contribute financially, even if he's retired and might be able to get away without contributing?

I think you deserve better op, you sound like a great person. Do you have any savings?