A little update…wish it was better news

[Babybelle81]

Hi all

Thought I would update you all.

it’s been a week nearly since I posted about my pregnancy and being 43 with my partner who is older.
I wish this update was a happier post, but it isn’t. He is very unhappy with this situation, and has not spoken about it apart from to say he made it clear that he didn’t want any more children and that’s that.
I do not have any family here, nowhere to go, and am working full time. I love him very very much, he really is my world. We have been together for 5 years, known each other for six. I love him beyond words. I thought this would have settled in his mind a bit now and he maybe would have come round somewhat, but I literally have no one to talk to, and he will not discuss it. I do not want to be on my own without him. He is my whole world. I am dealing with all these symptoms, trying to hide them from everyone, and have no idea what to do.

Anyway, I hope you are all well. I know my last thread started off some arguments, but please know that I post in good faith, and I really would appreciate any advice or support at this what should be the happiest time in my life, is now the loneliest time.

Thank you x

So glad to hear from you! I have followed your first thread (was shocked by some of the answers ... so judgmental and uncalled for) and was wondering what happened.

Nowhere in your update do you say that you're thinking about terminating, so I am guessing if you somehow came to that decision it would be out of the fear of losing your partner and not because you think it is the right solution.

I agree with everyone else. That relationship has taken a very serious hit already and if you terminated that pregnancy in a desperate try to save it, that would probably be the final nail in the coffin.

Your partner might be your whole world now, but if you decide to keep this pregnancy your baby will become your whole world. You can do it alone and there is always a way and a solution. Doing something as drastic as sacrificing your baby for a now very damaged relationship is not the solution, however.

Make a doctors appointment, see if this pregnancy is viable and then go from there.

I would say your relationship is over OP, if it were me I would have the baby or I would fear regretting it for the rest of my life. Plenty of decent men out there, he’s not one of them despite what you have thought.

This is such a tough situation to be in. Please don’t waste energy blaming yourself, it isn’t helpful and you were acting with the information you had. These things happen and what’s done is done.

I’d try to reframe ‘I can’t do this alone’ to ‘what would it look like to do it alone’. I’d get really practical about this. Research and arm yourself with facts to help make an informed choice:

• Finance: find out your maternity package from work is. Use the CMS calculator to see how much your partner would need to pay you for child support, look into whether you’re eligible for any other benefits.
• Housing: what are rental costs in your area? Could you get a mortgage? Could you move somewhere cheaper and still work?
• Childcare: availability and costs. What could a support package of nursery / childminders etc look like for you? What free hours would you be eligible for? https://www.childcarechoices.gov.uk/?utm_source=Search&utm_medium=keyword&utm_campaign=Childcare_Choices_2024&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAAowZrsn_sIH2LLt1fFR_awOqIRfAh&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIne3T9bzyiQMVkpJQBh2tmBM0EAAYASAAEgJG9PD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds 
• Work: Does your employer support flexible working? Or could you drop your hours and manage financially? Would you be prepared to deprioritise your careee for a couple of years? It sounds like you’re in a strong position to do this right now - you’ve got experience and positional power under your belt.
• Support network: if you don’t have a network around you, is there a network elsewhere - family / friends that you could look at relocating to? This could be in the future, if not immediately, or just while you’re on mat leave. If you have no support network elsewhere, explore what you could build in your local area - single mum’s group’s, childminders etc etc.

It’s tough but perfectly possible to hold down a career and be a single mum. You may find your career needs to drive forward at a slower pace for a few years, but you will find a balance that works for you and your child as your priorities shift.

It sounds like you’re feeling that it’s a choice between the baby and your partner. Given his absolute lack of support and incredibly selfish behaviour when you need him most, you might not be able to get past this as a couple, even if you do decide to terminate. You will need a lot of support if you don’t go ahead with the pregnancy and it doesn’t sound like he’d be able to give you this which you might also find to be unforgivable. Is he normally this selfish? It sounds like you’ve already given up a lot for him - could you forgive him if you had to give up your opportunity to be a mother aswell?

He might be the love of your life now, but your child will become the love of your life - with or without your partner in it.

I would really recommend counselling to talk this through with someone neutral and help you organise your thoughts.

I dont think he is being very fair to you. He already has his own children and it is very selfish of him to now consider you might want to have a child as well. I bet if he had no children, he would be happy to have one now. It seems very selfish. It takes two to tango. If you want the baby, I would just go ahead with the pregnancy, or you might regret it forever.

You are living through such a difficult time OP How unfair that this is the very time you also have to make a life-changing decision.

He is an equal in creating this pregnancy and whatever comes of it. Anger at you is not justified.

Remember that when he points out how clear he was about not wanting a baby.

It seems that he himself didn't take care that pregnancy could not happen (telling you of his feelings on this does not count as contraception).

I'm guessing that he didn't point out to you before sex that if a pregnancy resulted he would expect you to abort. (This might well have had a contraceptive effect - but not one he would have liked.)

As you decide what to do - keep in mind that all this cannot unhappen.
This pregancy is part of your life.
When life happens - you get to see people in their true colours.

Whatever you do next he will remain the man who treated you with selfish anger at the time when of all times you most needed understanding and support.
Some pretty poor excuses for men have done better than that.
I'm not sure how forgivable that is.

From here it really seems that he is not the great partner you imagined him to be. Will you come to think that in the future?

This.

Even if your relationship did survive this, there are no guarantees and relationships end all the time for all sorts of reasons. Do spend a moment thinking how you'd feel if you terminate purely to keep this relationship going and it ends in a couple of years anyway for different reasons.

This is a huge decision for you, personally, and really needs to be completely separate from him.

I tend to think that everyone, even in the most stable relationship, should only have a child if they're prepared for the possibility of being a single parent (because life happens - relationship breakdown, illness death etc.) It's no different for you. Make the decision based on whether or not you're prepared to be a single mother.

It is terrible reading your post. I did read the previous thread and could feel the anxious excitement and hope within it so it’s heartbreaking. The best advice I can give is to put the events leading up to this to one side. You are pregnant and your partner is not happy. He is of an age where this will be difficult for him and has previous children. You have no children and this opportunity was never something you thought would happen. If you terminate - the relationship may not survive. It may not come from you but his feelings of knowing he was part of that. So this decision really needs to be about you. You with a child could restrict your ability to create a comfortable life but you would have something amazing. You without a child would allow you more freedom to create a comfortable life although it still may not be the one you hope for

If he truly loved you he would not put you in such a position surely? Please do not throw it all away for someone who is showing his true colours now. What if you split up in 5 years time because you cannot get over how he has behaved now you are pregnant?
Frim your last thread, his daughter comes first, you second. Which is he showing you now in his behaviour.

He shouldn't bully you into getting an abortion. That's not fair.

You seemed so happy when you posted that last week. Is there an organisation for single mothers that you can talk to? There has to be support somewhere?

One choice is have a baby which I never thought I’d have, but then lose the love of my life

He is behaving terribly towards you. Even if you did decide not to keep the baby, is this a man who has your best interests at heart? He has sulked and stopped talking to you instead of trying to work out the best way forward together.

You need to think very carefully if you are willing to give up possibly your last chance at being a parent for a man who has so little regard for you.

If he thinks sulking will guilt you into a termination then he's being very selfish.

It's your decision.

If you choose to continue and have a healthy delivery he may well come round when he meets baby.

But he is responsible for his actions, whether in not making a permanent choice about his fertility, and in behaving so badly to you now.

I wish you well and I'm so sorry that he's being such a shit.

On your other thread you said that you were "resigned" to his wish of never having a child and described yourself as "happy" with that "choice". Being resigned to following someone else's wishes is not the same as making a choice you are happy with. Could it be that "resignation" is how you really felt about it and "happy" is what you told yourself and everyone else because otherwise it would be too miserable to contemplate?

One choice is have a baby which I never thought I’d have, but then lose the love of my life, or terminate and have to live with that all on my own forever.
It's more nuanced than that, though, isn't it? If you had a baby, you'd have a new love. If you terminate, you might lose the old love; your love for him might shrivel and die. His reaction now is not that of a team member in this relationship. Without wanting to demonise him, it's the reaction of someone who has always got what he wants and whose personal assistant is now not following instructions. That reaction alone is going to make ripples in the future.

How secure did you feel in his love before this happened? How secure in his love do you feel now?

Have you spoken to your mum? Do you have any old friends back where you grew up, that you could talk to?

This. You say this man is the love of your life but it is clear that you are not his. Quite honestly he is a manipulative piece of shit, giving you the silent treatment, trying to coerce you into doing what he wants. If he was so adamant he didn't want any more children he should have made bloody sure of it and got the snip. I hope you've told him this. This is on him just as much as you!

My husband didn't want any more children after the third one, but I know without a doubt if there had been an unexpected fourth pregnancy he would not have treated me like your partner is treating you, because he loves me and he would have supported me every step of the way in whatever decision I made.

On your previous thread it was clear you want this baby, so don't make a decision to terminate that you may regret for the rest of your life. You love your partner now, but I suspect your relationship wouldn't survive as deep down you would never forgive him for making you do this.

You say you have no one to talk to but there must be someone. Surely you have friends or someone at work who could provide a listening ear? Failing that seek out some counselling.

So sorry you're going through this.

Exactly, she will have a new love. A far more amazing love.

One choice is have a baby which I never thought I’d have, but then lose the love of my life

You've lost him anyway in a sense OP, because him emotionally blackmailing you into terminating a pregnancy you want to continue means the relationship will never be healthy again and is overwhelmingly likely to end as you will quite rightly resent him hugely for his disgusting behaviour.

So your choices are actually:

Keep the baby and try to continue the relationship

Keep the baby and be a single parent

Terminate the pregnancy and very likely end up breaking up anyway

The final choice above would mean you have potentially lost realistically your last chance to have a baby, which is something you want to do.

Please don't terminate a wanted pregnancy because you think it will save the relationship.

His behaviour means the relationship is doomed, whether now or a little further down the line.

Just to gently remind you that you have a third choice, which is to continue the pregnancy , give birth and then place the child for adoption , if neither of you wish to bring up the child.

Im not saying it’s an easy choice or in any way suggesting it’s right for you. I’m just saying it exists as an option.

One choice is have a baby which I never thought I’d have, but then lose the love of my life

And OP don't forget that if you have the baby you never thought you'd have, you will have a new love of your life!

He sounds a terrible partner. He chose to have sex with you knowing the possibility of pregnancy. And now you’re pregnant and in turmoil and he’s refusing to talk to you for days as if it is all solely your fault. What a catch he is. Why would you want to be with someone so callous and uncaring?

Stop blaming yourself. Every time a man ejaculates inside a woman, he is consenting to the possible creation of new life. Every time. Now, against all odds, you're pregnant, and he's acting like everything is your fault. He doesn't get to do that.

OP, I know you think you love him and that he's your whole life, etc., but can you really love a man who thinks so little of you and the life growing inside you that he won't even speak to you? He has no respect for you, or your child, and where there is no respect there is no love. This man is not worthy of either of you.

Mourn the relationship you thought you had with him and move on. Either decision you make, your relationship with the petulant, irresponsible man-child is over, so make the decision YOU want.

I wonder if you know what real love is or if you’ve ever truly been loved and cared for.

Nobody that truly loved you would ever be so punitive and unrelenting and subborn or inconsiderate of how a mistake (that you’re both responsible for making) is impacting you.

You talk a lot about the impact on him, yet who is thinking about you ?

I don’t think the issue is this man. I think that if you were more financially secure and had secure accomodation and family then he wouldn’t be your world. I do not mean this offensively - I think you sound vulnerable in many ways.

Consider that if you leave him with the baby then as his defacto partner you will be entitled to a share of his wealth and property.

Is there any support you could call on ? Have you reached out to pregnancy support services ?

@Babybelle81

From what you said in your previous thread, his first reaction was how was he going to tell his grown up daughter who already has children of her own. It sounds from the way you described their relationship that when the chips are down, he would choose her, his child over you.

Maybe you need to think about choosing your child over him.

No man should be your 'world' No one. You're only going to resent him anyway now if you have an abortion. You'll be on your own later in life.

Get rid of him. Very immature and actually very cruel to not speak to you. Sounds controlling and hardly man of the year material. That said, i do understand and I respect his decision not to want any more children.

Have your baby and make your baby your world would be my advice.

Single parenthood is alright.

Especially if you have a good career. You have maternity leave, and you will only have the one, so no worrying in those early days if you get up in the night and sleep in the day.
Doing it yourself can be simpler - you do it your way, and you dont have the burning resentment of a partner not pulling their weight. If you earn well, you can get meal boxes delivered to make sure you are fed. You will meet other mums - its amazing how quickly a network builds up, even if you dont see one now. NCT or similar groups. Baby and toddler groups. Nursery mums, school mums, later hobby mums. You may not fit into all the mum niches, but you will find your tribe. Im ND and I still have mum friends from the earliest of days.

He’s being awful but some men are terrible at coping with big emotions. My friend found out she was naturally pregnant after 6 failed attempts at IVF. Her (very atheist) husband sprinted into a local church and lay on a pew crying when he found out. We all laugh about it now but he recently told me he couldn’t control his fears for months. What we all took as him being very odd was completely overwhelming for him. Would it be worth trying to find a counsellor? Even if the relationship is irreparable it will help co-parenting in the future if you explore these feelings together.

If he was that against more kids he should have had a vasectomy!

You seem to have given up everything to be with him. Your dreams of having your own child, support system, location etc. What has he changed or done for you? Where are his compromises? Sounds like you're more into him than him into you. Which is where another problem comes in.

You're pregnant. Damage is done. You're already arguing over it. Even if you terminate you'll be resentful and he will be resentful that you got pregnant in the first place. This is your only chance to have a baby, you know this. Way I see it there are 3 outcomes:

1. you have baby, he comes round to idea
2. you have baby and you raise alone
3. you terminate, you separate due to issues this pregnancy has bought up and he swans off with his kids, ultimately likely grandkids. The family that you always wanted but can't have and even if you were together would probably have been excluded from anyway given your old post. And you're living with any regrets from terminating.

Question is what would you prefer?