A little update…wish it was better news

[Babybelle81]

Hi all

Thought I would update you all.

it’s been a week nearly since I posted about my pregnancy and being 43 with my partner who is older.
I wish this update was a happier post, but it isn’t. He is very unhappy with this situation, and has not spoken about it apart from to say he made it clear that he didn’t want any more children and that’s that.
I do not have any family here, nowhere to go, and am working full time. I love him very very much, he really is my world. We have been together for 5 years, known each other for six. I love him beyond words. I thought this would have settled in his mind a bit now and he maybe would have come round somewhat, but I literally have no one to talk to, and he will not discuss it. I do not want to be on my own without him. He is my whole world. I am dealing with all these symptoms, trying to hide them from everyone, and have no idea what to do.

Anyway, I hope you are all well. I know my last thread started off some arguments, but please know that I post in good faith, and I really would appreciate any advice or support at this what should be the happiest time in my life, is now the loneliest time.

Thank you x

Oh bless you OP. I followed your original post and had hoped he'd be supportive.

Reading between the lines, it seems like deep down you really want this pregnancy. And at 43, this is realistically likely to be the last opportunity you get.

I can't offer much in the way of advice but in your position, I'd be keeping the pregnancy and preparing for single parenthood.

I hope you find some peace and clarity soon and that the pregnancy symptoms don't kick your ass x

Please don't blame yourself OP. It literally took two of you to make this baby and if he did not want to be become a Father he had to take steps to prevent that too.

I agree with PP that your relationship is unlikely to recover from this. You will be distressed after a termination and him relieved. I can't see a way to recover from that that will leave your relationship in the place it was before the pregnancy.

Take him out of the equation. Your decision is whether you want to be a single mother.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation OP. At a similar rock and a hard place situation I found this quote (from Dr Who, no less) helpful. Sometimes there are no good choices, but you still have to make a choice.

He sounds absolutely horrible.

No way would I choose him over the chance of motherhood, irrelevant of how hard it potentially might be.

Big hugs to you xxx

Well 2 things to say. My Dsis has just had her first baby by IVF at 45 she is the happiest I have ever seen her.

Based on what friends have gone through in the past, I have two observations

1. A woman will have a basic instinct either to stay pregnant or end a pregnancy, and her instinct should be supported and respected regardless of what other people think they themselves would do in her position. It's not about everyone else's (religious, political or other) opinions: it's about your instincts and feelings only.
2. If a couple disagrees about whether to continue with a pregnancy, regardless of whether you continue or not, the relationship is over. It is not a matter of choosing between the love of your life or a baby: you have already lost the love of your life. He's not the man you thought he was.
3. In my experience, people who ask for a lot of advice about whether they should proceed with a pregnancy want to proceed with that pregnancy. If they wanted not to proceed, they tend to make an appointment with a clinic without telling anyone.

Wishing you all the best whatever you decide to do, and wishing you all the strength and support you need

But he didn't.

so she has to deal with the present.

I don't think it's helpful to bang on about disabilities.
The OP will be able to access every possible test to determine how her baby is.
Ok they aren't 100% accurate, but let's take one step at a time.
Get to 12 weeks, scans, blood tests, 20 weeks, scan, more tests, take it one week at a time.
As others have said there is a high chance it may not be a viable pregnancy anyway.

Was her husband 60, with a 38 year old daughter, and insistent on not being a dad again?

But is she on her own or is her partner 60? It's not about OP being 43.

I am so sorry you are going through this but I am going to echo others and say that your relationship is over. He is trying to force you to have an abortion by his behaviour. No, he isn't dragging you down to the clinic by your hair but he is doing everything he can to get you to do so whilst still pretending to himself that he's being reasonable. There's a world of difference between agreeing not to have children in theory and actually terminating a baby that is (perhaps) your last chance. I'd be surprised if your relationship recovers from that.

You may not have a ready built support network waiting and ready but there is help out there for single mothers and things like NCT groups are places where many people find life long friends as well as practical and emotional support.

Good luck with whatever you choose but you must make this decision for you, not because you have been bullied or scared into it.

Hardly. Took two of you to do it and if he wasn't prepared to take control of his fertility then that's on him.

I also found myself unexpectedly pregnant at 41. We already have 2 kids and my husband doesn't want third. I decided I cannot terminate and he is supportive and won't push me into anything. He is prepared for it and acts normally, not bad feelings. I don't think its going to go anywhere and have a scan in a few hours after I didn't see an embryo the last time. So it will resolve on its own most likely.
He has a loads of faults and drives me crazy sometimes. But he does the right thing when it matters.

Its a tough situation. Will you be able to be with him after he pushes you to an abortion? I am not sure I could.

Also to add, in your last thread you were excited about having the baby. You recognised this will be your last chance.

Use that energy, get angry on your baby's behalf. There's a tiny little life growing inside of you. You are his/her mum, their protector, you need to start putting them first above a sulky man baby.

Ironically they will probably turn out to be the love of your life in a lot more meaningful a way thay this selfish man.

Don’t terminate the pregnancy unless you’re absolutely certain that’s the best thing for YOU.

You may think he’s “the love of your life”, but you’re clearly not his!!

You’re only 43, so still young enough to do this on your own very successfully.

Is he aware it takes 2 to tango?
Tell him to man up and stop sulking.
Remind him in some cultures multiple children are the norm, expected and the men seem to survive!

The fact that he "won't talk about it" is a really bad sign. I think either he has to agree to talk to you, or a friend, or a councillor. He can't get away with just not talking about it, that's not on.
Would a pregnancy choices charity help?
I also feel concerned about how you might feel deciding not to have a baby because of someone else's wishes, not your own.

"He is my world" - mentioned more than once in your post, and it screams out as such a wrong attitude. That is your issue.
How have you got to 43, work full time, never had a DC prior to pay for, and seemingly have 'nothing' to show for it?
No man should be seen as your entire world, you have issues with dependency if that's the case. If he is your world, you have been the one to put him on a pedestal like that, you have passed all power onto him unnecessarily. I think you need therapy for that.
Is he really your world though? What was your life like before him? Do you have friends at least, if not family? If you had your own life going on before you met him, and its all disappeared since you've known him, that's him isolating you, controlling you, and making you be dependent on him.
I do not like the sound of this man, any well rounded, reasonable man would run a mile at being with someone so dependent on them, but I suspect this man relishes it, and that is not good.
Get counselling ASAP to find out why you have become so dependent on him, that is a problem within you, that you have the power to change. I can only think that he wants all your focus on him and does not want to share your affections with a baby.
He will get very jealous of his own child once born. Conversely, it could be the making of you as you will then have a worthwhile place for your affections, and your priorities will change.
I'd say make plans before baby comes, being on your own is not a hopeless outcome. Being co dependent with him as you are now, is far worse. He's done a number on you and got you believing that you can't do without him - it's BS he's feeding you.

I'm sorry, OP, but what a horrible prick he sounds.

Whatever his feelings, to act like this is, imo, very revealing.

I'm so very sorry.

So many of my friends are single mothers who started out parenthood in a relationship. If you become a parent, even if you are madly in love with someone who desperately wants children, you have to be prepared for single parenthood, because shit happens: relationships end and people die.

There is no perfect time for pregnancy or perfect relationship or immortal partner. So try to put that out of the equation. Either you want to continue with the pregnancy or you don't.

If you don't know what to do: toss a coin to decide.

If you are happy with the outcome, that's the right decision. If you are saying "best of three" or "I want to do it again" then that is not the right decision.

Why not toss a coin to make the decision and see how it makes you feel?

Alternatively, how would you feel if you got a text from your partner saying he had changed his mind and wanted to be a dad again? Would you feel delighted and relieved, or scared of going through with the pregnancy?

If you've got a job, you're already in a strong place. You're not someone who has nothing. You have money coming in. If its not enough , you could be entitled to benefits to tide you over. While having a support group would be nice, it is not essential. Your midwife will guide and assist you on getting the help you need. When you go to baby groups etc, you'll make mum friends. If your dp is not working with you on this, he has put the onus all on you, and perhaps doesn't love you as much as you love him. If you terminate I think you will resent him for the rest of your life, and you'll need to accept the relationship as it was has ended. If you dont want a baby, then i think this decision would have been much easier for you. The fact that you are in this predicament shows that part of you does still want a baby. Therefore, if I were you, I'd see this little foetus as throwing me a lifeline to motherhood, and I'd take it and run. Good luck in whatever you decide OP. I am so sorry that you are in this position.

I think these are the important Q’s to ask. If you didn’t keep the baby, would you be able to really carry on being with him?

If you did keep the baby - you would be able to do it alone (without him in any case.) You have a lot in your favour - job, experience, stability. You would be fine. Thrive even. So don’t be afraid of that.

it takes two people to make a baby. He is equally as responsible as you in this. If he chooses to not engage with you it tells you a lot about who he really is. I have to say he hasn’t come across well to me actually… if he didn’t want any more kids he shouldn’t have had sex then should he or he should have taken more precautions…

lots of luck to you @Babybelle81 . It’s entirely your choice xoxo

This is exactly what I was going to say too.

I know I am echoing other replies, but this is not your fault. A partnership is just that, there are two of you, you should be in this together. You didn’t actively seek to become pregnant, you are both responsible, and sulking and leaving you to deal with this on your own is just unforgivable. Maybe a day or even two to get his head around it, but by now he should at least be wanting to discuss it with you. You are not a silly 16 year old who should have possibly know better, you are an adult in a committed relationship.

Unfortunately, there is no magic wand to see into the future, I agree about seeking out some counselling for yourself to talk through ‘your’ options and thoughts. I think that choosing not to have children, and then actually terminating a pregnancy are very different things. It’s your body, your hormones, your choice over what you do.

You are pregnant, it might not be what you planned but that doesn’t mean that it can just be swept under the carpet and not mentioned again and you carry on like you were before.
Whatever you decide, you will feel differently from this moment on.

Sometimes things do happen for a reason. If you do go ahead with your pregnancy you will find a support network, you will find people that help you and maybe this is just your life taking an unexpected, but ultimately amazing turn. Or if you decide motherhood isn’t for you, it needs to be because you feel that way, not because someone is pressuring you.

No one should ever be made to feel ashamed for something like this by a supposedly loving partner.

I’m sorry OP, I remember your other thread.

As others have said, at this point your relationship is in crisis and may not survive either way. Could you stay with him if you terminated the pregnancy? He has shown his true colours now - I could never forgive the lack of support and anger.

I would seriously consider ending the relationship and going it alone if you want to keep the baby. Yes it will be hard, but there is always a way if it is what you truly want.

I’m so sorry OP. I don’t think I could be with someone who had that reaction to something so serious. And it’s absolutely not your fault at all. I also assumed I was menopausal and I also have endometriosis. I became pregnant a few months ago at the age of 47. I miscarried very early on, before we even really settled on what we wanted to do. But my DH was incredibly supportive as he should have been and as I would have expected him to be. If he had the same reaction as your other half it would make me look at him completely differently. I wish you all the very best and I hope things work out for you xx

My friend had her 3rd unplanned with a husband older by 9 years. Their daughter is now 18, a beautiful and intelligent young lady. Yes, there could be a age-related risk but it doesn't have to be. These days there are all sorts of families around and no one bats an eyelid.

I wish it had happened to me.

Can u just ask him to stand by you if he loves you?

Or was it that he wants an easy, convenient but not challenging relationship? He sounds a bit selfish to me ☹️